Possibly the world's worst pun joke?

[Godhumor]

These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[Danger Mouse]

1. Alerted. Enjoy your stay on DU, troll.

Your granite pizza should be arriving soon.

[Godhumor]

4. But...the friars!

Come on! Friars!

[Danger Mouse]

6. Your hatred of friars and large men named Hugh is duly noted.

(I love that joke, btw, one of my favorites...sadly, I'm an awful pun fanatic)

[Godhumor]

7. Well, I like camping

It's in tents.

[Danger Mouse]

8. If you spell it's the wrong way, you're averting a great apostrophe.

[KamaAina]

2. Nice post, Hitler!

:P

[Godhumor]

3. Whoo! I've made it!

Off to Olive Garden to celebrate!

[Hugin]

5. Your sigline is much funnier...

:7

[Godhumor]

11. I enjoy it, too

The image makes me laugh every time.

[Tektonik]

9. brazilian

[tigereye]

10. very nice

i love Shaggy Dog stories and bad, evil puns.


I'm terrible at telling them or I would.

[sarge43]

12. I believe I can top that

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were great friends even though Larry was an upstanding, righteous, law abiding lobster and Sam was a bad clam. One day both are killed in a horrible accident; naturally Larry goes to heaven and Sam to hell. Upon arriving in heaven and after getting suited up, Larry is told by St Peter that because he was such a good lobster, he could for one day have anything he wanted. Larry thinks about it and answers that he misses his friend Sam and would like to see him again. "Whatever", says Pete and next thing Larry knows he's in hell standing outside of Sam Clam's Disco. The two spend the day together, then Larry goes back to heaven. At the gate Pete says, "Larry, didn't you forget something?" Larry goes, "Oh my gosh, I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco."

In 1263 the English village of Hocking-on-Tedium was swept out to sea by a rare but powerful tidal wave. There were survivors stranded in the water. The local lord commanded the fishing fleet to head out to sea and try netting the serfs. Same lord who had his herald announce at every hanging "Serf's up."

[BrotherBuzz]

32. World's worst pun

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Black and says, "Miss Black, I'd like to get a $100,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $100,000 and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

[pokerfan]

13. Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a ...


















































super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[Drum]

14. Two peanuts were walking down a street...

one was a salted.


Well, they say that brevity is the soul of wit.... :shrug:

[bigwillq]

15. I just laughed.

I've heard this one before but I don't know, I just laughed out loud at it. :rofl:

[graywarrior]

16. Is that your idea of Godhumor?

Then burn in hell, heathen!

:rofl:

[grannylib]

17. It was the ritual in a particular band of people, when a new chief

was about to be enthroned, for the man to sleep alone in a ceremonial hut the night before the official recognition of his being named chief. The man slept on the ground, to indicate he would remain humble. The ornate carved throne was always in a loft area above the sleeping man, so his spirit would rise as he slept and inhabit the throne, preparing it to receive him as chief during the next day's ceremony. Unfortunately, one year, the tribal elders had been negligent in their upkeep of the ceremonial grass hut, and the heavy seating piece crashed through the loft during the night and crushed the soon-to-be chief.

People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[Fox Mulder]

18. Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It was driving down the road when it suddenly turned into a field.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

[Richardo]

23. I spent all night on a hill wondering where the sun went after it set...

...finally it dawned on me.

[Puzzle]

25. Reminds me of the time the termite walked into a bar and asked

"Where's the bar tender?"

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

19. Excellent! Here's one:

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was about to perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for twenty minutes of so. During a rehearsal they decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when one of them leader said, "Hey, we've got twenty minutes, let's run across the street to the bar for a few!" And off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the players wondered whether they should get back.

But the ringleader replied that there was no need to worry. He explained that just before the performance started, he tied string around each page of the conductor's score so he'd have to untie each page to turn it. This would cause just enough of a delay in starting the last movement that the bass players could have another round.

So another round they had, and finally - sloshed and staggering - all but two of them, who were too intoxicated to walk, made their way back across the street to the concert hall to finish the performance.

As they took their places on the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's worried expression.

"Why do you suppose he looks so tense?" one of the bass players whispered to another

"You'd be tense, too," the other responded. "It's the bottom of the ninth, two men are out, the score is tied and the basses are loaded."





Baddaboom.

Thanks, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip the waitress.

[Canuckistanian]

20. Nice post, Friar Tuck n/t

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

21. Ooh, ooh, I have another one!

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

[yellowdogintexas]

22. all right get ready folks:

An American businessman was in Japan to negotiate some important contracts. During his first big important meeting he had this uncontrollable need to pass gas. Hoping no one would know who it was, he let go..the gas released with the loud exclamation HONDA!!!. This was terribly embarrassing to the man so he went to an American doctor who gave him some medicine.

Next day he is in another meeting different group of people. Has another gas attack. Same thing happens: HONDA!!! Now he is really perplexed. So he decides to see a Japanese physician in case it was due to the change in food.

So he gets to the doctor, and the physician is this small, elderly Japanese man to whom he explained the embarrassing problem and sure enough he had another attack right there for the doctor, and you guessed it, HONDA!!!!!

The doctor says to the American "So sorry, please to open mouth". So he does and the Japanese doctor looks around in there, picks up a pair of pliers and yanks a tooth out of the man's jaw. The businessman was totally dumfounded .."Why did you pull my tooth? And what does that have to do with my problem?"

To which the doctor replied, "It was infected"

Everyone knows of course that















Abscess make the fart go HONDA

[HamstersFromHell]

24. Two Eskimos...

sitting in a kayak were chilly, so lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

But wait, there's more!


Although the head of a giant bio-technology corporation loved his work dearly, he regretted not having more time to spend with his family. So, he went to the chief research scientist and asked him to come up with a solution. "That's quite simple, sir. All you need is a clone of yourself to handle the business details and you'll have plenty of time at home." The executive thought that was great and so the scientist took some cells from the inside of his mouth and began the cloning process.

Six months later, the clone was ready and the CEO was anxious to meet his double, but the scientist cautioned him, "Sir, I must tell you that the cloning and accelerated growth procedures we use aren't completely perfected yet." "Your clone is exact in every detail except that it has an unfortunate tendency toward foul language." The executive didn't blink an eye and left for home to enjoy family life as his clone took over the office. It wasn't long before trouble broke out. Longtime employees were quitting and suing for sexual harassment. The double's foul mouth had offended and lost many major clients and his vulgar tongue was proving to be a disaster to the business.

Knowing that he had to do something and fast, the CEO called his double and asked for a meeting at the restaurant atop company headquarters. The two met and over lunch their argument became more and more heated. The swear words literally poured out of the genetically-engineered garbage mouth. He must have run through about every filthy word in the book when the original CEO, completely fed up, hauled off and belted him. The force knocked the double through a plate glass window and he plummeted 30 stories to the sidewalk below.

Within minutes the police arrived and took the CEO into custody and the executive demanded to know the charge.

"That should be obvious, sir," the cop said. "You're being arrested for making an obscene clone fall."

[Deja Q]

26. Try saying that when drunk!

:beer:




:toast:

:rofl:

[FloridaJudy]

27. Shortly before Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Retired from basketball, scientists working for the Lakers took some of his DNA and created an embryo. Using the latest technology, they managed to create an exact duplicate of Abdul-Jabbar as a young man. Sadly, though, they were unable to transfer his athletic skills to the duplicate.

Hoping that some day a method would be discovered to transfer those skills, they had the duplicate cryogenically preserved...

































Thus making the first iced Kareem clone.

[ashling]

28. I reject you premise - to pun is fun, there is no bad pud

A witch doctor in deepest darkest Africa was brewing up a potion in his cauldron one day and talking to the skull that he used for incations. The skull was really depressed. It really hated being a witch doctor's skull and wished it could be anything else, so itwas asking the witch doctor iit could be turned into a grape. Well, the witch doctor was very fond of the skull and was reluctant to part with his friend, bet he said " ok, you have always been a good skull and i am going to grant your wish". So he brewed up a special brew and incanted some special cants, a POOF! the skull disappeared.

At the exact same moment, a huge luscious, juicy grape appeared on a grapevine which was growing nearby along a long trail. Suddenly, the ground started to rumble and the vine started to shake. There was a low rumble which grew louder and louder and the gound shook tremoundously and the grape vine shokk and shook and the grape, the biggest juiciest most luscious grape on the vine fell off ont a bed a soft bed of grape leaves. Suddenly a herd of elephants came running down the trail, because, after all, it was an elephant trail and the biggest meanest elephant of them allsquished the grape!!!!

Moral: Quit while you're a head.

[ashling]

33. Ah, and there's more:

Alfred and George were two Olde meidevil English Lord's in Olde meidevil Englande and, being Olde Meidevil Lords In Olde Meidevil Englande they were always fighting and raiding each other's Olde Meidevil Castles. Well, they both had the same size Olde Meidevil Castles and the same number of Jolly Olde Meidevil Knights and about the same number of Olde Meidevil Serfs, so , as you can see, things were more or less meidequal, and they were alway's getting their astrologer wizardes (for that's what they called astological wizards back in ye olde day)

Thinges had been quiet since George had repelled Alfred's last merrye olde attacke. Now it was Geore's turne to attacke, and he wanted to make it ye olde humdinger! So he asked his wizarde come up with the perfect plan. "first," he said send to India for an Indian fighting elepahante (for that's what they called elephants back in ye olde day) So George sent to India and got an Indian fighting elephante with a guy riding on the elephante's back with a long pole with a hooke on the end to controlle the elephante. "What is he for?" asked Georga. "He is the engineer that controlles the elephante."

"now sent to the Blacke Foreste and get the biggest trees that can be got." "That is not very good ye olde grammar," said George. But he wanted to win, so he did it. Then his wizarde had him build a giant rack, just like the one in the dungeone, only bigger and on wheels. When they got the whole thinge done they got their knightes and teir serfs with their sefboards and headed out to Alfred's Castle.

Meanwhile, Alfred was getting very nervous because things had been so quiet. He was standing on the battlements waiting and watching when he hearde a low rumble and saw duste on ye olde horizone. He had a lookout in the tallest towere look out (becase that's what lookouts did back in ye olde day) "What is it?," yelled Alfred. The lookout yelled back:

"It's a Rambling Rack, from George's Attacke, and an elephante engineer!"

[Kutjara]

29. Wow! That takes me back. I haven't heard that joke...

...since I was about 8 years old. I didn't laugh at it then, either. ;)

Actually, it may only be the second or third worst pun joke, after the ones that have the punchlines:

"He was arrested for transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises."

and,

"Oh no," complained the tiger, "not finch and chimps for dinner again!?!"

I'll leave it to you to fill in the rest of these jokes. It just isn't worth the effort.

[Kutjara]

30. A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

[nemo137]

31. So, this monkey decides he's sick of eating with his hands

and he makes a tool, with pointy prongs, to eat with, and calls it his four-point-tool. One day, it disappears. The monkey goes all over the forest looking for his four point tool. He asks the parrot, "did you eat my four-point-tool?" And the parrot says no. So he asks the python. "Did you eat my four-point-tool?" The python says no. So he asks the jaguar, "did you eat my four-point-tool?"

"Of course," says the jaguar, "I'm a four-point-tool-eater jaguar."

[TreasonousBastard]

34. An American went for a walkabout in the outback, and...

was horribly attacked by the legendary Drop Bear. Rushed to Mercy Hospital in Adelaide, he was in terrible shape but was treated with the only known antidote to Drop Bear venom-- a dreadful tea made from koala hair steeped in ocean water and drunk with hair and all in it.

Complaining about the nastiness of it all, he asked if maybe the hair and other bits could be filtered out.

"Oh no," said the nurse. "The koala tea of Mercy is not strained.

[yellowdogintexas]

35. One day a school bus driver was scheduled to substitute drive the Special Bus

Now the special bus, in order to make the kids feel a little more important had been painted up with Big Bird, Bert and Ernie, Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch and Kermit The Frog.

His first stop was to pick up Patricia who was quite fat, who boarded the bus with another kid named Patricia, also quite overweight. They proceeded to sit down together in the bus.

The second stop was to pick up Ross who was really a Special Needs kid, smart but apparantly not a good learner. Ross goes to back of bus.

Third stop: Larry. Larry is a card shark. Larry gets on the bus and sits down across from Ross.

larry starts a card game with Ross and the two Patricias. Pretty soon all hell breaks loose, and the driver stops the bus to find out what is happening. The Patricias start whining: "Larry's Cheating, Larry's cheating" So the Bus driver makes Larry sit alone, Ross sits behind him and the two Patricas go back to where they were.

Ross, being the bored kid that he is, hauls out a pocket knife and starts shaving away at this bunion on his foot which totally grosses out the other kids and all hell breaks loose again, which unnerves the driver so much he runs a stop sign.


And of course a patrolman was right there, and he pulls over the bus and asks the Driver "How on earth could you run a stop sign when you are driving a School Bus with children on board?"

To which the driver, now in tears replied:
















Well, you would run the stop sign too if you were driving..................Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Larry's Cheating/picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus.

God I love these things.