I finally did it...told hubby he had a drinking problem and better fix it or I was gone

[greenbriar]

to my suprise, he said he had been thinking so as well


he thinks the worst is past (admitting the issue) I think the worst is coming

[REP]

1. I'm feeling hopeful for you

Admitting there is a problem is a big step. Not the only one, but an important one. If he thinks it's a problem, he may also think he needs to fix it. Best wishes for you all.

[Madrone]

2. Good for you!

That took a lot of courage - and I'm really glad you did it. It was the best thing for YOU - and the rest of the family as well. Even your husband. Whatever happens, being enabled isn't good for him either. *hugs* Be proud of yourself - I am!

[MichiganVote]

3. The best may come if you guys can get help and stick with it

[crimsonblue]

4. the worst is behind you.

The road ahead will not be easy, but airing the dirty laundry only helps matters. It is good that you both are on the same wave length. I don't know much about your situation, but alcoholism is a disease, and can be physically addicting. While that is not an excuse, it can help you both understand it better. I hope he gets on the road to recovery quite well, and you both live happily ever after. :)

Also, having a family member who's had alcohol problems, the mere admission of trouble is a huge step, and while it may be the last thing you want to do, comfort and encouragement is what's needed. Hope he gets the help that is needed. :)

[greenbriar]

5. I told him to call AA he doesn't want to because he doesn't want his work to know

I don't know what steps to take next


he is going to call our pastor...a really awesome pastor ...


I just don't know what to do now

I made him pour out his bottle in the kitchen sink

[MichiganVote]

6. AA does not report its members to employers. Next step? Go to Al-Anon yourself.

[crimsonblue]

7. Or better yet, go with him...

It may not be something you want to do... i know I wouldn't. And I bet it seems like you are giving and giving only to receive very little, but needs you now.. more than AA or a pastor. He needs to have his closest ones there helping and encouraging him, reminding him that he can change.. People can change. Tell him that everyday.. People can change.. Much of life is about redemption and forgiveness. I hope you don't think I'm coming down hard on you, and I know that I would feel like my partner was being completely selfish... It's true. He is being selfish, but the man you love is in there, you just have to help him peel away the layers that have contaminated his soul. I hope this is helpful. :hug:
:

[NMDemDist2]

10. he's fooling himself if he thinks they don't know already

seriously

good luck

:hug:

[Kajsa]

19. I second that, AZ Dem.- Greenbriar, they KNOW,

it's hard not to---

AA doesn't report anyone- remember the second word
is Anonymous.

I wish you,your husband and your family the best--

Admitting he has a problem is a HUGE step!

:hug:

[Westegg]

58. Yep! In fact, he might be the LAST to know...

...Good for you. You did the right thing. Stay strong.

[GreenPartyVoter]

44. What about all his secret stash bottles? Did he give them all up?

[greenbriar]

45. I haven't found any

I don't know

[GreenPartyVoter]

46. You probably won't. And he needs to give them up on his own, otherwise it means nothing.

[OhioChick]

8. I wish the both of you well....

and hope the worst is behind you.

[crim son]

9. If a person is thoughtful and considers his/her loved ones,

then admitting the problem is truly the first step toward a cure. I don't know what your circumstances are but I know I drank when I was miserable and would have kept on drinking were it not for people who love me, telling me I had a problem. I wish you and your husband the very best of luck and personal fortitude. :hug:

[proud2BlibKansan]

11. Been there

DH has been sober for 20 years now.

I was an AlAnon leader for years. I can't recommend it highly enough.

PM me if I can do anything to help.

[greenbriar]

21. thanks

I may need it

[raccoon]

57. Second what proud2Blib said.

Al Anon has helped me a lot.

[dorktv]

12. My mom did the same thing to my dad 30 years ago.

He is still sober to this day. And he had ME as a kid.

Your husband can do it.

[Callalily]

13. This is a great first step

on the road to recovery, for your husband as well as you.

I'm sure his pastor will encourage him to seek professional help. And don't forget to take care of yourself too.

:hug:

[lizerdbits]

14. My former boss's mother did the same thing to her husband

while standing at the front door with the kids and a suitcase. He opted for change and they had a much better family life. I don't know if he did AA or what. Maybe he's been thinking about it and didn't know how to ask for help. I'm glad your words were well received. I hope he is able to change. :hug:

[Orsino]

15. That sounds like a remarkably easy admission.

For many people, that is the hardest part, and a positive attitude is great, but it may be a mistake for him to think that the future will be easier. If the two of you can stay focused on the problem, success is likely. Best wishes!

[Blue_In_AK]

16. Hang tough, Greenbriar

It may work and it may not. I was married to an alcoholic/addict for 17 years and he knew and admitted he had a problem from the beginning. He got clean and fell off the wagon more times than I can count, the last time after five years of sobriety. That was it for me. Even when he was sober he still had his "issues." Love and understanding and "standing by your man" works with some, but not with all.

I wish you the best.

[zanne]

17. That is a HUGE step...

For hubby and for you. If you love this guy and want to stay married to him, he'll need your support and encouragement. I'm not saying that I think it'll be a smooth ride from here on in; it's going to be rough. But it's been done!

[ThomCat]

18. I hope, one way or the other, your life improves from here.

Whether you move, he moves, or somehow you stay together, somehow I hope your life improves a lot. :hug:

[applegrove]

20. The definition of alcoholism I like the best is: drinking causes serious problems

in your life but you continue to drink. That's it. Plain and simple.

[bhikkhu]

30. That's very good and simple...

I drink, but have no family history of alcoholism, and put a few rules down for myself: never before the kids go to bed - about 9:30, and never after 11:00. I take vitamins before bed, which is hard to do if you have had too much, and then I wake up every morning in a good mood and get the kids up, fed, and off to school before going to work myself.

Someone told me that if you have to concoct rules to limit your drinking, you are probably an alcoholic. But so far things go well, and no problems.

If I were to quit I might look at this program: http://www.rational.org/ , as the religious side of Al-anon would never work for me.

[applegrove]

31. You sound perfectly sober in the rules you have set out for yourself.

[TrogL]

56. There is no religious side to AA

At best there is a spiritual side but you get to pick what form that spirituality, if any, takes.

For some people their "Higher Power" is the group itself and it works for them.

[Westegg]

60. Alcoholic: Someone whose life gets better...

...when he/she stops drinking.

[lost-in-nj]

22. I hope

it gets better for you.....

:hug:

that took a lot o guts...

good for you!



lost

[mike_c]

23. go to al-anon....

Don't try to control your husband's drinking-- that simply won't be a long term solution and will likely make matters worse for both of you. It's good that HE understands he has a problem, as others have noted here.

I went through many of the same things you're dealing with. I threatened to leave (and ultimately did), poured innumerable bottles down the drain, searched for the hidden alcohol stashes (some were very creative), drank with her, refused to drink with her, yelled, screamed, and fought, cried and begged, and generally screwed things up even further. The point I'm trying to make is that if you can't live with your husband's alcoholism then you BOTH likely need help, and if either of you deny it you'll only end up crashing in the end. Go to al-anon and stick with it long enough to see through the coffee klatch social group atmosphere that often dominates meetings. Read some of the al-anon literature and again, work through the 12-step jingoism and quasi-religious nonsense to the core of the matter: you cannot make things better if your natural response is part of the problem (and nine times out of ten it is, no matter how good our intentions are). You both need support, and to some extent you can both support one another, but you're probably both a bit angry with one another's behavior and that will be your undoing if you let it.

[greenbriar]

24. what can Al-Anon do for me?

and yes I am pissed a him, and he seems mad at me and I didn't do anyhting


there is no reason for him to be mad at me AT ALL

[mike_c]

25. I'm REALLY reluctant to interject myself into this situation...

...but I guess I did when I made my first response, so I'll follow it up.

Greenbrier, I spent ten years with a raging alcoholic. I can't begin to tell you how many bad things happened to she and I both because of her alcohol dependence. It sucked. It utterly destroyed her personality. We separated almost five years ago and divorced in 2004. I'm only telling you this to establish my credentials as a spouse screwed over by alcohol abuse.

I was just as desparate and angry as you seem to be, and for many of the same reasons, I presume. I certainly reacted very much as you appear to be reacting, given my limited perspective through this forum. If you're angry and feel betrayed, that's perfectly normal. Shit, it's certainly what I felt.

The problem is that it's completely counter-productive. THAT'S what I learned at al-anon. Virtually every strategy I tried to solve my SO's problems was bone-headed wrong, even though they felt perfectly natural and justified. Especially trying to control her drinking-- that only made things much worse.

I didn't go to al-anon until after we were separated and I was utterly resolved to divorce-- and she was in VERY bad shape. There simply wasn't any turning back at that point. I continued my involvment with al-anon partly to recover from the experience myself, but also to learn more about it. As I said, the main thing I learned was that most of my natural responses-- the same responses that are natural and justified for you now-- were part of the problem rather than the solution.

I'm NOT criticizing you for doing what most of us would do in your shoes-- and as I said, I responded similarly too. Hell, anyone would. That's why I think al-anon is so important for folks like you who haven't yet reached the point of no return. If you seriously want to continue to live with your husband, even while he continues to struggle with his own alcoholism, you will need better tools than the ones that come naturally, like anger and resentment. As justified as those might be, they will not help either of you. That's part of what I learned at al-anon.

I wish you the best. Peace.

[erinlough]

36. Sage advice, thank you for sharing.

My al anon involvement didn't save my first marriage to an alcoholic, but it has made me a better partner to my second husband. He had a drinking problem that didn't impact on my life, late at night and no outward signs of drunkenness, however I was getting pretty scared for his health. He has been alcohol free for two months now and he is amazed at how much alcohol controlled his life.

I never said anything to him except that I was worried about his high blood pressure and other problems. I said I would be there for him if he ever did decide to quit. And I waited and hoped he would decide to make changes. I NEVER would have handled things that way were it not for Al Anon. I thank my higher power for the program.

[uppityperson]

41. I went to alanon for me, to figure out how to deal with myself since what I was doing wasn't working

for any of us. I kept going to figure out how to say goodbye to someone I loved but couldn't be with as it wasn't healthy for either of us. I then went to figure out how to live with myself, how to learn for myself how to deal with myself and others, so I could not get tied up in it all again.

It helped. I learned ways to be, what was my part in the relationships I got into, and how to keep them healthier for all.

It can be a very difficult situation, what you are in. Best wishes to you for peace and healthiness.

[Scout]

65. i found al anon to be full of crap, when i went....

a bunch of pitiful women, who HAD to stay with their raging alcoholic husbands for whatever reason. husband at the time used it as ANOTHER excuse to "blame me" for his drinking.

getting away from him was the best thing i ever did ... until i met and married husband 2.

you should TRY al anon, and it may very well be what you are looking for. it wasn't in my case, and i just wanted to make sure you had another opinion.

[mitchum]

26. Good...a word of advice, though...

you may have to deliver more than one "final" ultimatum.
Sincerly, good luck to you and your husband.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

27. Congratulations for doing that.

I used to go to Al-Anon, because my father was a dry drunk. He had stopped drinking but had not changed his behavior a whole lot or gone to AA.

I had to stop going to Al-Anon. You know why?

Because everybody there lived on cigarettes and coffee, and I can't handle cigarette smoke. It makes me quite ill.

[Ilsa]

28. Hang in there girl. Come here and yell at me if you need to vent,

okay? I can take it.

[bhikkhu]

29. Take a look at "Rational Recovery" as an AA alternative

Particularly if the religious or co-dependent aspects of AA don't work for him

http://www.rational.org/

NPR did a piece on them last year that sounded excellent, and they seem to be seeing very good results.

[greenbriar]

33. interesting

have saved it

[GreenPartyVoter]

43. Here is different one, SMART

http://www.smartrecovery.org/

My brother, though, has managed for 11 years with AA/NA despite not really being into the spiritual aspect of it.

[SPKrazy]

51. AA is not religious...

it is a spiritual program and suggests that the person believe that there might be a power greater than them somewhere in the universe (even the AA group itself) that can help them stay sober.

:shrug:

Whatever works for someone is what I think though, although I've never thought much of the RR "movement", if it is helping people then more power to it!

Codependent is really a non-term that has been overused and lost it's original meaning.

The idea that alcoholism is a family system's disease is a better model for me.

Just as the drinking affects everyone around the drinker, their recovery does as well and sometimes the system fights change.

thanks and not meant to bash your link, just a correction to the notion of AA being "religious" because there is no affiliation with a particular religion, etc.

[Haole Girl]

32. Wishing you well..

please take the advice of the people, here, who've been through it.

:hug:

[SammyWinstonJack]

34. Bet your husband is happy that you are discussing his personal addiction in a public forum on the

internets, among strangers he isn't even aware of. :shrug:

[greenbriar]

35. just peachy thanks

as I have no one to talk with up close and personal

[shaniqua6392]

37. You come and talk here any time you need to vent.

You will need the support and there are many knowledgeable people here on DU with so many different life experiences. You and your hubby will be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep talking to him and loving him and praying. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

39. It's no different than talking at an Al-Anon meeting. Both are anonymous.

I commend you on your courage, and for speaking up for yourself.

:hi:

[Haole Girl]

47. I don't have any problem with greenbriar sharing her problems with the Lounge...

I do have a problem with judgmental responses. Also, the Lounge should never be used as a substitute for professional help.

Oh, and one more thing: It is naïve to believe what is shared on DU is anonymous.

That's all I want to say on this subject.

[SPKrazy]

50. Alcoholism is a family affair and doesn't affect anyone in a vacuum

she is sharing HER experience in her confrontation of a problem that she is dealing with.

That is not like her talking about her husband's nose picking problem in the bathroom where no one watches him.

Instead she is discussing a problem that affects everyone in her family and sends ripples outward in all directions.

She has every right to post here.

:shrug:

[IronLionZion]

62. It's not like she's giving out names or anything specific

It could be anyone. People do get help for all sorts of things on internet forums. This very site has helped people through unthinkable situations.

[GreenPartyVoter]

38. *hugs* Good for you taking that first step.

[greenbriar]

40. really it has been a long time coming

I guess it took him almost fucking up my career to realize I could no longer be meek about it.



Last night we were supposed to chaparone the 8th grade dance at my school.

He had training all day and was home about 3 pm. I got home from school 3:30 and took a shower got dressed up for the dance, he took a shower and got dressed. We went for a quick meal of chinese food then on the way to school he threw up. I thought he was sick but no he announced he was actually fucked up.

Not knowing what to do, I drove us to the school and he sat in the car while I chaparoned for about an hour. when the head principal asked why hubby was in the car, I lied and told her he didn't feel well.

Then it hit me... if he got stupid and came in or did anything, I would be in trouble. I made excuses and left and on the way home... BOOMMMMMMMMMMm

[GreenPartyVoter]

42. Yeah. Hitting bottom, as they say. I am pulling for ya and hope things can be worked out for

you all. *hugs*

[fed_up_mother]

48. Good luck.

If he's a well functioning alcoholic (meaning it's not interfering with work), he can go on like this for years. That doesn't mean he won't make you and everyone else in your family miserable, unfortunately.

My unsolicited advice would be to join al-aon.

Whether you stay or split up, al-anon will be a wonderful source of comfort for you, but my personal view is that too many ex-spouses hang around al-anon for years and years and use it as their own crutch.

Argue away, but I know women who are still in al-anon over ten years after divorcing their spouses.

At some point - shit - move on!

[astral]

49. years and years?

Um -- people go to AA for 'years and years' after they have had their last drink; Al-Anon is a support group as well as a 12-step program that can be a way of life just as AA can be a way of life for the alcoholic who wants to keep sobriety.

"Move on" to what? And for what reason? Something people like to do on a regular basis, like watch TV, play online, go to a bar and have a drink, meet with friends just to chat and talk -- why is attending a meeting something that should not become 'habitual?'

I took a peak at the Smart Recovery website, and that's all fine and dandy -- there are many paths to recovery. What I would ask is, what programs or methods have the best reputation as working for the alcoholic?

Each person must make their own first choices and take their own first steps. AA does not require a person to be perfect at staying sober; nor do they require that a person 'get religion.' They don't take attendance, nor do they send the "AA police" out to get you if you fall by the wayside. (Well,they **might** do that, but, just don't count on it!)

[SPKrazy]

53. I think that this is a very good point

there are many paths to recovery and hanging around alanon is in fact not uncommon nor is it a bad thing (unless it totally eclipses a person's life forever and they don't restore balance to it) because it gives support, they are there for the newcomer because someone was there for them.

You can't keep what you have freely received unless you continue to give it away either I believe. I think that there are people who become over indulged with 12 step programs and that can be an unhealthy thing at some point, but for an alcoholic who does it people may bemoan it, however if they are not drinking, it sure is a giant leap in the direction of restoring balance to their life. I think the same is true in any 12 step recovery program of which Alanon is. Recovery from ______ (I think "codependency" is too broad a term to understand its meaning anymore) that occurs within the context of a relationship with an alcoholic is a process of personal change and growth. Having worked in the mental health field for 20 years, I can't tell you how many people go on repeating the same patterns over and over again. Even marrying one alcoholic after another. I've heard the term used their "picker is broken" as I know many who have told me that they could take a room full of men and be drawn to the alcoholics amongst the group. Fixing the inside and finding happiness from there is what 12 step recovery is all about. Only then can people really have better relationships with others and even sometimes get out of the "rut" of being drawn to bad relationships over and over.

Okay off my soap box, I'm sure there are many who disagree and that is fine with me. I know where I stand and what I think for the most part on this issue.

Thanks for posting what you posted!

[fed_up_mother]

54. I meant that the non-alcoholic ex partner should move on at some point

Al-anon can be a wonderful help, but I have a couple of friends who are still doing their victim thing in al-anon years and years after divorcing their alcoholic spouses. Somehow, I just don't see that as a good thing. Sure, being married to an alcoholic adversely affected their lives, but take charge of your own life at some point.

I wasn't talking about the alcoholic moving on out of AA. If it helps him/her stay sober, he should stay as long as he is getting benefit from it.

[latebloomer]

61. I don't think Al-Anon encourages being a victim

In fact, it encourages you to embrace your own life regardless of what the alcoholic does. The people I've known who stayed with it well past the time the relationship ended used the program to deal with life and enrich themselves, as well as helping newer members. The 12-step principles can be used to deal with life in general, not just addiction.

[Connonym]

52. ...

Congratulations on taking a big step :hug: I hope that you see changes in your relationship.

[greenbriar]

55. I hope so

it has been rough

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

59. I wish my wife (now ex) had said that to me

or at least I like to think so. :shrug:

[electron_blue]

63. In my experience the worst isn't saying "fix it or I'm gone", it's actually carrying

through with the "or I'm gone" part.

I hope you saying this to him is enough to turn him around. Keep in mind that you may have to prove you mean it before any real change occurs.

Good for you for saying it, though! How empowering, eh?

[greenbriar]

64. yea, I know

and that scares me

[electron_blue]

67. Hang in there. Once you realize what is the best for both of you,

the easier it will get.

[Scout]

66. been there, done that

he'd go into treatment, and come out and be all wonderful ... then the lying and the drinking would start again.

i hope you are fully prepared to leave ... and you may have to stay gone. as soon as they get you back, you start feeling confident and secure, and then he starts again.