In honor of April Fool's day, let's have a spicy, saucy, and downright dirty joke thread!

[TheMightyFavog]

Wht do you cal a bind deer?

No-eye deer

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Still no-eye deer.

What do you call a sterile blind deer with no legs?

Still no fucking eye deer.


Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information
concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."


Three men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Ferarri.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a Prius and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Ferarri crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying, you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".




Little Johnny was going to his father's house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his father's house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This goddam thing is so fucking heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh he's in my Wagon, is he?"

The priest replies "Yes Johnny, God is in your Wagon."

Little Johnny says "Well tell the fucker to get the hell out and start pulling"


One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his unit hanging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."



A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[TheMightyFavog]

1. Another joke!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKIN' THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The Teacher fainted.

[underpants]

12. The Teacher calls on Little Johnny for show and tell

Johnny walks up to the chalkboard and puts a dot

.

The teacher looks at it, looks at Johnny, and asks "What is it?"

Johnny says "It is a period"

"What's the big deal with that?" the teacher asks

"I don't know" says Little Johnny "but my sister is missing two of them and my dad is going fucking apeshit"


___

alternate ending

"I don't know" says Little Johnny "but my sister is missing two of them and my dad is going fucking apeshit and the guy next door joined the Army"

[jakefrep]

2. A young priest is about to give his first homily....

...and he asks an older priest for advice on how to calm his nerves. The older priest suggested he fill his water pitcher with martinis. The young priest did so, and after some liquid courage, gave the homily.

After Mass, the young priest asked the older priest for a critique of his homily.

The older priest said: "You did very well, but I am compelled to point out your mistakes:

- There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

- There are 12 Apostles, not 10.

- It's called a Crucifix, not the "big T on the wall"

- Don't refer to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit as "Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook"

- Don't refer to Jesus and His apostles as "J.C. and the Boys"

- Next week, there is a Taffy Pull at St. Peter's, not a Peter pull at St. Taffy's

- And please, NEVER, EVER, refer to the Blessed Virgin Mary as "Mary With The Cherry""

[nomorenomore08]

8. I remember that one! But you forgot one of 'em:

"When Jacob was knocked off his donkey by a rock, we do not say he was stoned off his ass."

[IzaSparrow]

3. A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder...

The frog and rabbi, in unison, greet the bartender, "Hey, Mac!"

The bartender in amazement, "Where'd you get one of those!?"

The frog says, "Oh, him. Got'em in Brooklyn. They got thousands of 'em down there!"

[SCantiGOP]

4. one more

In his first month in office, Bill and Hillary are flying to an event with the Reagans, the Carters and the Nixons. Pilot comes on the speaker: "Mayday, mayday, we have a fire in the engine compartment. This plane is going to crash in 5 minutes, 10 minutes at the most. There's nothing more I can do here, so I'm bailing out. Hate to tell you, but there are only 4 parachutes for the 8 of you, so you'll have to decide - quickly - who gets them."
Nancy Reagan jumps out of her seat: "Everyone knows that we were the most popular, the most successful and the most beloved administration in US history. I hope you all agree that Ronnie and I should get two of those parachutes."
Jimmy Carter says, "Now wait a minute. I always prefer to look at the moral and ethical implications of a situation. I propose that the men stand back and let the four women have the parachutes."
Without looking up, Richard Nixon snarls, "Oh, fuck all the women."
Bill Clinton responds, "But do you think we have time?"

[TheMightyFavog]

5. Why does laura always get on top?

Because * can only fuck up.

[AllegroRondo]

6. a travelling salesman knocks on a door

a young boy about 7 years old answers, smoking a cigar and drinking a beer.

the salesman says "are your parents home?"

the boy says "what the fuck do you think?"

[DarkTirade]

15. That is bloody brilliant.

And one of the few jokes in existance that I haven't already seen on the internet somewhere. :P

[underpants]

7. Why was the cookie sad?

because he felt crumby

[Hardrada]

9. Why does the Rover Kwai?

Because they throw in onions upstream!

[nomorenomore08]

10. Bill Clinton and Jerry Falwell wind up sitting next to each other on a plane.

The flight attendant comes by and asks Clinton what he wants to drink. Clinton says, "I'll have a vodka martini."

She comes back a minute later with his drink, then asks Falwell. Falwell gets all indignant, and in his best preacher voice says, "Ma'am, I would sooner be violated by a pack of brazen hussies than have liquor touch these lips!"

Clinton hands his drink back and says, "I didn't know we had a choice."

[shaniqua6392]

11. Here is a good blonde joke for those who love to fish!!

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"

[Redstone]

13. Ah, little Johnny, the pottymouth. What a great kid. One day in school, the teacher asked

the kids to use the word "beautiful" in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Teacher, teacher, I can use it TWICE in one sentence, and the sentence is only three words long!"

The teacher, though she knew better, said "OK, tell us."

Little Johnny said "My father said it when my sister came home last night and told him she's pregnant. He said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful.'"

Redstone

[PleadTheFirst]

14. A ten year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog behind him on a string.

He walks up to the Madam and says, "I wanna get a girl."

The Madam, aghast, says "I'm sorry son, but you're much too young!"

The kid digs into his pocket and pulls out a roll of 50s and hands it to the Madam. "Okay," she says, "I think we can find you a date."

"Wait a second, lady..." says the kid. "The girl needs to have an active outbreak of herpies."

Shocked, the Madam replies "I'm very sorry, young man, but all of my girls are clean!"

In response, the kid digs into his other pocket and pulls out another roll of 50s.

"One dirty girl coming right up!" smiles the Madam.

Well, the kid goes upstairs and does what he paid for, taking as long as it takes for a ten year old to do it. Afterward, he walks back downstairs ... still dragging his dead frog behind him on the string.

He thanks the Madam, and starts to leave when she stops him. "Son, I have to ask ... why did you insist on a working girl with herpies?"

"Well, it's like this," says the kid. "When I get home my babysitter is gonna be there. I'm gonna bang my babysitter and she will get he herpies.

"Then when my mommy and daddy get home, my daddy will drive the babysitter home and my daddy will do the babysitter in his car and my daddy will get the herpies.

"When my daddy and mommy go to sleep my daddy will have sex with my mommy, and mommy will get the herpies.

"At eight o'clock tomorrow morning, my daddy leaves for work.

"At nine o'clock, the mailman gets to my house.

"And he's the BASTARD that killed my frog!"


:evilgrin:

[billyskank]

16. I already posted my saucy joke at the weekend.

It got locked.