Coping with tough times

[Mike03]

I'm just curious: Many people here at DU have suffered through very difficult times; times of self-loathing, self-doubt, self-destruction, or just regular coping with the normal dowturns of life or ordinary struggle of all kinds. Someone close to me has cancer, and my sisters are addicted to opiates. I really have no one to depend on right now.

What is a good way of coping with these times, when you seem to be in a downward spiral? I need to remain strong for my family, but I find myself not living up to my expectations right now, and I need to do better.

Should I just give it some time? Are there some kind of resources that might be helpful?

Any advice would be very helpful. Thanks in advance.

[Akoto]

1. Well, I'm no expert, but ...

I am in pain every day of my life. Sometimes, it's barely present. Other times, it's really bad. It wears at me, breaks me down emotionally. There are days where I need to cry, and that's fine. We all have our moments of depression and bottling them up certainly doesn't help.

It helps me to remember that, while I have had some desperately bad times, they have always given way to better ones. There's always hope for the future. Giving up certainly isn't an option, and deciding that I'm doomed gets me nowhere. Consciously trying to keep a positive mindset helps me.

If you have the means, seeing a therapist (psychotherapist, psychiatrist, etc) may be of great benefit for you. It was for me. Going to one doesn't mean that you're nuts or any other such nonsense. They really can help you to clear your head. If you think you might have depression, they can diagnose and help with that, too.

I learned that worrying certainly made my condition, and my mental state, a lot worse. I've begun to practice stretching and am also doing Tai Chi. Taking time for myself to simply relax and focus inward has done me a lot of good.

In the end, your expectations may have to bend for your own sake. You can only take on so much at a time, particularly before you've dealt with the other things burdening you. Live in the moment and try to not concern yourself too much with the future. You're what's important today, and you'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

[Mike03]

7. Thank you. Your post means a lot. Yoga has helped me a lot, but I just sometimes

feel like giving up. But I know I shouldn't.

[Akoto]

8. Oh man, I have those days a lot.

There are days when I get a bad flareup of my condition. That really throws me down. I've thought things like I have no future, my life is over, I should just end it.

I never really mean it, though. The next day comes along, and it's usually not as bad as I thought it'd be. The nightmare has always ended up being worse than the reality of it.

In a way, I'm grateful that this has happened to me, because it has really changed my mindset on life. I've started taking time to appreciate myself and the small things.

[lost-in-nj]

2. HI

I have found that taking care of ME is beneficial....

then I can start to think clear....

and 2 things I did to help me focus

therapy and walking/exercise clears your mind and gives you energy.....

both

letting everything out to some one who listens.......
is so very therapeutic....

hope you can find an outlet....


:hug:



lost

[Xipe Totec]

3. Do not surrender

Do not surrender even when defeated,
and do not be a slave even in bondage,
trembling with fear advance bravely,
and attack with fury, though badly wounded.

Be as stubborn as a rusting nail,
that refuses to yield though old and ruined,
and do not envy the peacock's plumage,
that drops in fear at the first noise.

Be as a god that never cries,
or as a devil that never prays,
or as the oak whose mighty canopy,
needs of water but does not beg it.

Even when it rolls to the dust,
let your head scowl and bite,
and scream for vengeance.

- Pedro Palacios Almafuerte
Argentinian poet 1854-1917

Believe it or not, this is my mother's favorite poem.
She is my guiding light.
God bless her and keep her.

[LeftyFingerPop]

4. Mike...

1) Don't expect to be superman. When times get tough, mere "survival" becomes the name of the game, rather than "bettering" yourself. There will be plenty of time to better yourself once the crises pass.

2) Take one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Don't bite off more than you can chew, and don't think it is your job to solve every problem around you.

3) Sometimes, just offering your support is the kindest thing you can do. However, don't support others by sacrificing your own mental health.

4) Take care of yourself physically as well as emotionally. Eat well, and get your sleep.

5) Do not view your support of those who need you as a burden, but rather, let it flood you with feelings of accomplishment.

:hug:

[skygazer]

11. Great post

:thumbsup:

[LeftyFingerPop]

14. Thanks skygazer...

:)

[seemunkee]

5. Talk therapy, anti-depressants, exercise.

Some things work better than others in different situations. I never thought I would take antidepressants but after my cancer and then being laid off I found it beneficial. It helped me through and now I'm off and feeling better.
When I was in high school and my dad was dying I went rock climbing. Having to concentrate on the Now of climbing was like meditation.
Hard to say what will work for you, you might already but need some reinforcement.

[ThomCat]

6. I find that no matter how bad the pain gets

I'm always better when I'm around people. Being social gives me something to concentrate on other than the pain.

And being around people is a natural cure for being depressed.

[DarkTirade]

9. That was one of my big problems for a while

an inability to be around people all that much. Which not only caused a little bit of depression, but also exacerbated it once it was there.

[ThomCat]

12. I get like that.

Sometimes the best I can do is just be there, quietly in the background somewhere. Basically alone, but with other people nearby. It's better than being alone someplace all alone. :(

[laylah]

10. You can be there for them;

HOWEVER, as selfish as it may sound, Mike, you need to take care of yourself. I am SO sorry for the cancer in your loved one...been there, done that. You may need to "postpone" and that is only if in your heart of hearts you want to do that. It is amazing how things always turn out the way they are supposed to. Decisions in your situation are never easy. Take your time, you will figure it out! :hug:

[Redstone]

13. 1) You've already understood the most important component, by saying:

"I need to remain strong for my family."

2) Given that, you've probably realized that, like many others of us, you don't get to have the luxury of having a choice. You gotta get up in the morning and pull up your socks and go to work.

It's that elemental, not pretty or attractive though it may be.

I've been there, as so many others have been. Nobody to depend on, as you say. Nobody but yourself. But there are people who depend on you, and abdicating that responsibility would be punking out.

And I know you're not going to punk out on us, or on those people.

Because you can't, and you know it. The harder the winds of misfortune buffet you, the more you'll lean into those winds, clap a hand onto your hat, and keep moving.

You will.

Redstone

[Quakerfriend]

17. Yes, very well said Redstone. Keep moving, MIke!

You are stronger than you know!!

And, please remember that we are always here for you, dear. The folks @ DU will help you through.

When I struggled to take care of my mom years ago and also deal with my own cancer while taking care of my little boys, I wish I had known about DU!

That was almost ten years ago. And, it seems like a whole different world now. You will survive and things will get better!

We are here for you, please don't forget to lean on us. :hug:

A famous saying by Carl Jung that helped me quite a bit went something like this: "When you hit a brick wall plant a seed. Then when a tree grows from that seed you can climb the tree and, then you will be able to see over the wall."

[Redstone]

19. I don't use the word "wow" very frequently, but I'll do so now.

What a great post, QF.

Redstone

[Haole Girl]

15. I'm not really good at advice giving...

But I will say this anyway:

Please try to find your inner strength, stay positive, and take good care of your body.

The mental health will more than likely follow.

Now, if I could only follow my own advice!!!

:hug:

[littlebit]

16. Last year

My partner went in for gallbladder surgery and ended up in the ICU for 2 months. During that time what helped me was just taking time for myself. I would try to set aside a time everyday to go for a walk or something like that. It helped to remove me from the stressful situation and relax a little.

[SPKrazy]

18. Center yourself, find your spiritual center

whatever means possible

exercise

meditation

introspection without rumination

talking to others (therapy or a good friend who isn't afraid to tell the truth)

avoiding mind and mood altering substances except in moderation

finding support groups focused on the problem at hand, ie cancer support groups can be invaluable for family members coping with a family member's illness.

many others

no one is perfect and we all fall short of perfection by a long shot.

Strength for your family, sometimes modeling the fact that tears, anguish, anger, etc. are all part of coping, which is true strength is not bad.

:hi:

peace~

[undeterred]

20. Well sometimes I think life is hardest

for those of us that don't have addictions. Its unhealthy to drink and use drugs to numb the pain. I can't believe how many people recommend that, knowing how hard it is to kick once you've started.

There are messageboards that are geared for emotional support, and there are groups for that if you feel like getting out. But just opening up a little here on DU can be a big help too.

:hug:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

21. There are support groups for many different situations.

My sister died when I was 35. I always looked up to her and followed her around. We loved one another dearly.

She had cancer that was an incurable kind.

It destroyed me; it destroyed our parents. I became an only child at 35.

The group that helped me was The Compassionate Friends.

It is a support group for parents who have lost a child for any reason, accident, illness, violence.

They also had a sibling group, for children from 6 or 8 up to where I was -- middle age.

Both the parents' group and the sibling group helped me accept my sister's death.

One person speaks at a time in the circle. Listening to other people talk about the person they lost is helpful, and talking about the person you lost is helpful too.

They had a fridge magnet that had a lot of wisdom: "It is better to speak ill of the dead than not to speak of them at all."

I learned that that was true.

Good luck, and find out what you can do to replenish yourself and nourish yourself.

[Juche]

22. Various things

I screw up and fall behind alot but I try to do several things to stay on top

Be proactive about brain health so your brain can handle the extra stress. Make sure you aren't deficient in any omega 3s, minerals (magnesium, zinc, selenium), B vitamins, amino acid precursors (5-htp, DLPA) or anything else the brain needs to function properly.

Look at the positive and don't ignore it. A marriage counselorwho is able to predict divorce rates by 94% says that having a 5:1 positive/negative ratio in interactions is necessary to avoid a breakdown in a relationship or at work. I assume one's relationship with onesself and with life in general probably follows the same trend. This doesn't mean ignoring serious problems, just agknowledging that even though we don't notice it, about 80% of our lives are going right. I am not going to starve, I will make good friends in the future who I haven't met yet, I will see interesting shows on TV, I will find new topics that interest me, etc.

http://www.childcarexchange.com/eed/issue.php?id=1046

Talk to anyone who can validate what you are going through by realizing how painful or hard it is. This alone is important.

Be clear about what is wrong and what needs to be done to fix it. Make sure you know what you want to happen, and always look for new ways to achieve it. Always look up new ways to deal with emotional turmoil, or help someone with cancer, or deal with stress.

And make sure you aren't in denial about things. Trying to pretend things are something they aren't always presents itself in some other form like anxiety or depression. So make sure you aren't hiding from yourself.

Have your sisters looked into anything like methadone, ibogaine or orthomolecular treatments to help with their addiction? Isn't alot of heroin addiction due to trying to avoid psychological pain rather than physical addiction?

http://leda.lycaeum.org/?ID=8609

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&id=xRPodOqTVs4C&dq=charles+gant+addiction&printsec=frontcover&source=web&ots=TUwjVzbqRG&sig=ga8TU9PnbN9EkEXX2ogW-XEGJ6w#PPP11,M1

[FloridaJudy]

23. Take up an art or a craft

I find there's nothing like creating something with my own hands to get me out of a funk. For me it's almost a Zen thing, becoming one with the materials, seeing how they work together - or don't - and putting my best efforts into the process. And when you're done, you'll have something unique - something that nobody else has ever made or ever will. It doesn't have to be complicated, and almost anything will do: woodworking, weaving, quilting, jewelry-making, pottery, painting, poetry, stained glass, even scrap-booking. My local junior college has lots of extension courses for adults who want to learn a new skill, and it gets you out of the house at least.

Right now, I'm thinking of taking up the cello. I don't ever expect to get really good at it - I'm 61 years old, and have never been musically gifted - but I think it would be interesting, and practicing might teach me some needed discipline. And cellos sound really, really cool!

[City of Mills]

24. If at all possible, walk

It's what I do. I can't sit still when the anxiety hits. You build up endurance quicker than you can imagine. When you're pent up you need to expend the energy or it eats you from the inside out. Plus, I find walking helps to pull me out of my environment and allows me to get a different perspective. It alleviates the 'fight-or-flight' response that often accompanies the feeling of losing hope and control.

I recently had a breakdown and my family, fortunately, was there for support. But now I need to be the strong one for a loved one. Even though I feel too weak, I'm needed and I need to be the strong one. So I walk. It works for me.