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Edited on Mon Mar-03-08 03:45 PM by skater314159
I am sorry that you and your family are experiencing this fuct-ness. Healing and forgiving vibes to all of you. I understand your need to vent... feel free to do so - keeping all this inside will only make you upset or ill.
Some initial thoughts on this:
- Spend time with your niece whenever you can. She needs your love and support most of anyone in this situation - she is a kid, and it sounds like her home-life is rather rocky. Kids need affirmation, love and acceptance... and she mightn't be getting that from her mother (sounds like step-dad/married-to-bio-mom could though). Be a female role model for her. Even if it's just on holidays - it WILL make a difference.
- Affirm your niece's identity, personhood, and express regularly that you are glad she is here. Too often, children are punished, labeled, and put down because of the actions of their parents. As a child born of an affair, she might become a scape-goat or object of ridicule. This can be particularly hard on kids, who all too easily take the blame for things that just aren't their fault. Whenever you talk to her - whether in person, on the phone, via email - whatever - let her know she is loved and that she is a very special person.
- Support your parents. It's hard for them to see the daughter they raised acting this way. Not getting to spend time with their grand-daughter is also sad and stressful for them. It sounds like your parents are very aware of their age and mortality - this also likely adds to their stress... they understand what this sort of behaviour by your sister could mean, and they also understand that they don't have all the time in the world. They want to spend what time they have being happy with family. Be there for them during this difficult time.
- Forgive yourself. You are pissed at your sister... which is understandable. She hasn't been acting in a way that is loving or respectful to her family, she doesn't really show love or respect to her own child, she has upset you and your parents, and to top it all, she doesn't even acknowledge or take responsiblity for her behaviours. Feeling this way doesn't make you a bad person. Experience the emotions, and then let them go. If you try to tell yourself what you should be thinking or feeling, it will only take longer for you to heal and move on - which you must do before you can forgive.
- Try to understand your sister's side of things. This won't be easy... you don't have to excuse, condone or approve of her actions, but try to see where she is coming from. This way, you can at least try to asses where things might be headed in her future... also you might be able to commuicate more effectively with your sister if you can understand where she is coming from.
A book that I think might be helpful for you, your BIL, and your parents is the book Emotional Blackmail: when the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you by Susan Forward. ISBN: 978-0-06-092897-1
Peace and Be Well! skater pi
PS - As I said, feel free to vent at any time! :loveya:
EDIT: fixed tags and stuff
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