ok , question for people whose current spouse is not their first love..

[UndertheOcean]

Do you ever get over the first love , it seems impossible , like a big hole in your heart that will stay there forever , a feeling of very painful regret that things didn't work out.

[fizzgig]

1. i'm not married

but there is still a hole in my heart left by my first love

we were so young and it had disaster written all over it, but i still miss him

[Donk Yore]

2. Serious answer

I had a dream about my first love, who became my first spouse, just last night.

We had a discussion that ended with us holding each others faces and saying kind words to each other, and hoping we had a good life after our time.

It was powerful enough to wake me up, and for me to remember it.

Love happens. First love is memorable because it starts the road towards all the other amazing experiences in life.

[SPKrazy]

3. there is someone like that for me

a hole that has stayed there for nearly 30 years... a regret that I hadn't done and said some things that probably added to the failure of that relationship.

She and I are friends today. I still pine for her though in a strange way. Not a lovesick way, just a very fond way.

It took a while to get to where it didn't tear me up totally.

[Boudica the Lyoness]

4. My first love looked for me

and he found me 35 years after we broke up. We never got over each other. You bond for life at a certain age. Trouble is many people are too young and silly to know what they have until it's too late. It's the saddest thing. It's even sadder when you find your first love again and you realize you've been living your life without your other half.

[femmocrat]

27. That is so romantic!

I often wonder if he still thinks about me, too. We were just too young back then and eventually married other people.

[Heidi]

5. Why does it have to be a big hole? Couldn't first love as easily be seen

as the place in life where we began to learn to love and be loved? My first love didn't work out at we both in the beginning hoped it would work out, but time has demonstrated that it worked out just as it should have. So, we went forward to continue learning how to love and be loved. It can take a lifetime, and that's okay with me. :)

[alphafemale]

6. I still think about him every now and again. But I cetainly don't regret it not "working out."

It was a fun time in my life, but I was a kid.

I got ready to grow up he didn't.

Last someone mentioned something to me about him was several years ago. He was in his 30's and still living in his mom's basement. So no I don't regret not pursuing a life with him.

I do remember him fondly though.

We met to bid adieu after I became engaged to my first husband.

We talked for hours at a place we used to frequent.

Afterward we embraced and kissed before going to our separate vehicles to go on with our lives.

At the exact moment we stopped our embrace it began to snow.

No kidding.

And I've never laid eyes on him again.

[murielm99]

7. I lost my first love at 27.

He died of cancer.

I remarried, and have been married for 29 years.

I've often asked myself if we would still be together. I don't know.

Maybe that is not what you are asking. But people go on with their lives because they have to do that. No matter why it ended, we should learn from the previous relationship and improve the next one.

[Callalily]

8. First loves seem to be

far more nostalgic then they deserve. Far too much emphasis is put on them. First loves should be treated as a nice, warm fuzzy place to remember, nothing more and nothing less.

[Orsino]

9. The next love is the cure...

...or has been for me. I don't regret earlier loves, even the one that was so bad for me, as they all led me to here. No other love has come close to the joy I have now.

So, without forgetting anything but the worst of the pain, I have "gotten over" the past.

[caty]

10. My first love

was killed in a car accident when we were in college. I think of him now and then. I wonder what he would have gone on to do with his life.

I don't believe that there is just one true love in our lives. There are many people in this world we could have that feeling of "soul mates" with. It's just a matter of finding one of them and making a go of it.

[SarahB]

11. My first love wasn't even my first husband.

I think my former husband was almost a reaction to the the hurt my first love caused- I was actively trying to avoid someone like him. My current husband has many of the same qualities as my first love did (without some of his lousy qualities). I don't regret anything. I learned from all the experiences and I truly feel like I'm with the person now I was meant to be with. It just took awhile to get there.

[timtom]

12. Yes.

And the second and third....etc.

[BOSSHOG]

13. I didn't

I've been happily married for 34 years but my first love is still an incredibly wonderful memory for me and I haven't seen her in 39 years. I'm very happy now and truly love my wife but Lord was that a great first love.

[EstimatedProphet]

14. I got over them all

It was easy because they were scumbuckets.

[Xipe Totec]

15. Compass

Compass of my life,

love that was never meant to be.

Dark beacon defined by absence,

lightning rod of powerless rage.

Guide of my life,

and focus of frustrated fury.

Absence that defines me,

background that marks,

a place I never was.

[crim son]

16. Yes.

It took me about ten years to completely recover from my first real love, but recover I did. I can think of him now, twenty-one years later, without the slightest twinge.

[Xipe Totec]

17. 36 years for me now,

and still not over it.

[crim son]

19. I'm sorry about that, Xipe Totec.

I remember when I found I could remember his face and feel no pain, and it was a miracle. I don't know what would happen if I were to see him again, but he lives in Oslo so there's little chance of that. :pals:

[Xipe Totec]

20. Perhaps I'll see her again, in another life

when we are both cats.

:hi:

[BOSSHOG]

23. Relating here My Friend

39 years for me and I love her just as much and lo and behold I got an email from her yesterday.

[Xipe Totec]

56. When they speak to you of love....

When they speak to you of love, and hopes for the future
and they offer you the sun and a sky to go with it
if you remember me, don't say a word
because you will feel what true love was.

And if they want to know about your past
you will have to say a lie
tell them you come from a strange world
that you don't know how to cry
that you don't know of love
and that you have never loved.

Because wherever I go
I will speak of your love
as a golden dream
and forgetting all rancor
I will never admit your goodbye was my downfall

And if they want to know, about my past
I will have to say another lie
I will tell them I come from a strange world
that I don't know pain
that I triumphed in love
and that I have never cried.

- Jose Alfredo Jimenez



http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x5901417

[Zoigal]

53. Know exactly how you feel, Xipe Totec z

[terrya]

18. Yes, I got over all of my past loves.

When you have perfection right now, it's very easy to get over past loves.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

21. Yes. You do get over them.

But some people don't. It took me FOREVER to get over mine. But I'm married to a beautiful man now who loves me for no other reason than he wants to and it's completely unconditional. I'm in awe of it everyday.
There is someone though, who was my second love, who I had an even harder time getting over. But I did it. Although there will always be a small part of me that will always love him. He was a decent guy, and I think he could have loved me but he wouldn't allow himself to. I would have married him.
But I have no regrets when it comes to marrying my husband. He is my very best friend.
Duckie

[Boudica the Lyoness]

22. You think your over them

but then out of the blue their back in your life after 35+ years and you talk to them all the memories of the time you first fell in love come back and it's very powerful.

I hardly thought of my first love for decades then one day he found me. It would have been better if I couldn't get along with him now and he turned out to be a right wing jerk. But we discovered we were a perfect match and that is when it got really sad. At age 16 in a pub in a tiny English village I stumbled into my soul mate. And I thought I was supposed to search the world for him.

[lost-in-nj]

24. I married my first "real" love almost 31 years ago

and just got back from signing the divorce papers to file... :(

The high school boyfriends were not love....
just high school boyfriends...
Don't really think about them..


lost

[distantearlywarning]

25. I have had 3 real "loves" in my life.

#1 - I am still in touch with him in a very distant acquaintance sort of way. He married a very good friend of mine and aspects of their relationship caused a falling out between me and both of them. I have come to realize over time that I was obsessed with parts of him, but not all parts of him, so it probably wouldn't have worked out for us in the long run anyway.

#2 - I am not in touch with him, but we travel in the same circles, so I hear about him occasionally. I still carry a torch for him and think about him more often than I should. I think it is likely that he doesn't think about me at all. However, he would probably be the #1 and only person in the whole world who could potentially be a threat to my marriage, despite the fact that I am very monogamous by nature. So it's probably just as well that we aren't in contact anymore.

#3 - I married #3, who is also the one I was and am most in love with. We are more well-suited for one another than I would be with #1 or #2. #3 knows about #1 but doesn't care about that relationship. He also knows about #2, and is aware of at least some of my continuing feelings for #2 and is a bit uncomfortable about that. Our solution is to simply not discuss it or act on that situation in any way. It's worked out so far.

[femmocrat]

26. Guess not, since I still dream about him....

I wouldn't describe it as a "big hole" though... more like a little arrhythmia every now and then.

[MsKandice01]

28. I'm honestly not absolutely sure who were first love was...

I had some that I thought were loves but looking back, now that I know what real love is, it wasn't really love at all. More like infatuation. The person who I truly see as my real first love I still talk to now and then. And no, I'm still not completely over him yet...12 years later. I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling that he's the person I should be with, even though circumstances keep that from happening.

[coffeenap]

29. Someone very close to me is in the first stages of her first love-

it is bringing back fond memories. I have been happily together with my husband for 26 years, most of them married, and have no regrets. I would like to talk to Mark again, though, since our relationship happened at exactly the same age as the person I mentioned. Ah, first love.

[Coyote_Bandit]

30. He had

issues. I was warned of them before we became involved - and I initially chose to ignore the warning signs. It was a mistake of youth and passion. Guy had a master's degree in clinical psych and was a master manipulator - in an indirect passive aggressive manner. It ended painfully for me because I realized I had invested so much in a relationship that was doomed from the outset. I still remember him fondly - but I would avoid acknowledging him if I were to encounter him (something that is not likely). Thankfully we never married. I'm told that he is now on marriage number six - seven if you count the woman he divorced and later remarried only to divorce a second time.

No regret here that things didn't work out. That may have been one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Definitely. Over. Him.

[Throd]

31. I got over it and so should you.

Is it good to have a "hole in your heart" for somebody who isn't coming back? Regrets are one thing, but anything beyond that will taint any future relationships you may have. I know I wouldn't want to be involved with a woman who was secretly pining for the one that got away. I still think fondly of some of the women in my past, but that was then, my wife is now and deserves my full affection.

Looking back at your first love might blind you to your true love.

[Throd]

32. I got over it and so should you.

Is it good to have a "hole in your heart" for somebody who isn't coming back? Regrets are one thing, but anything beyond that will taint any future relationships you may have. I know I wouldn't want to be involved with a woman who was secretly pining for the one that got away. I still think fondly of some of the women in my past, but that was then, my wife is now and deserves my full affection.

Looking back at your first love might blind you to your true love.

[Throd]

33. I got over it and so should you.

Is it good to have a "hole in your heart" for somebody who isn't coming back? Regrets are one thing, but anything beyond that will taint any future relationships you may have. I know I wouldn't want to be involved with a woman who was secretly pining for the one that got away. I still think fondly of some of the women in my past, but that was then, my wife is now and deserves my full affection.

Looking back at your first love might blind you to your true love.

[Throd]

34. I got over it and so should you.

Is it good to have a "hole in your heart" for somebody who isn't coming back? Regrets are one thing, but anything beyond that will taint any future relationships you may have. I know I wouldn't want to be involved with a woman who was secretly pining for the one that got away. I still think fondly of some of the women in my past, but that was then, my wife is now and deserves my full affection.

Looking back at your first love might blind you to your true love.

[1gobluedem]

35. I think Christine Lavin says it well

The Kind of Love You Never Recover From
© 1990 Christine Lavin

I know a couple
She sits in a rocking chair working puzzles
He watches TV upstairs
She has a secret she has never let out
A man she thinks he never knew about.
She hasn't seen him in 30 years
The mention of his name doesn't brings on tears
If you ask her "Are there any regrets?"
She'll tell you "No"
But she never forgets.

It was The Kind of Love You Never Recover From
Even though she found another one to take his place
She never will escape the truth
At times like this
When the moon is bright
When the air is foggy like it is tonight
She'll think about what might have been
If she had just held on to him.

I know a man who has done it all
He sailed the oceans
Climbed the mountains of Nepal
He lives high up on the Avenue
With a beautiful wife
Lovely children too.
But there's a woman he still dreams about
Certian thing's he's learned to live without
If you ask him "Are there any regrets?"
He'll tell you "No"
But he never forgets.

It was The Kind of Love You Never Recover From
Even though he found another one to take her place
He never will escape the truth
At times like this
When the moon is bright
When the air is foggy like it is tonight
He'll think about what might have been
If had not let her
Slip away from him.

I read about a woman who said
She never regretted
Anything she's ever done
Such arrogant words always seem to be spoken by those
Who then die young.

So here am I
Looking at you
Oh tell me
What are we gonna do?
Am I destined to be your regret
Are you that one I will never forget?
Years from now will we curse the day
You let me let you walk away
Isn't this too dear a price to pay
For the freedom
Of going seperate ways?

This is The Kind of Love You Never Recover From
Don't tell me that I'm gonna find another one to take your place
I never will escape the truth
At times like this
When the moon is bright
When the air is foggy like it is tonight
I'll think how sweet life could be
If you would stay with me
Oh stay with me
This is The Kind of Love You Never Recover From
Don't tell me that I'm gonna find another one to take your place
And try to face the truth
Let me hold you close tonight
The fog has lifted
And the moon is so bright
Think how sweet life could be
If you would stay with me
Oh stay with me
This is The Kind of Love You Never Recover From.
This is The Kind of Love You Never Recover From.

[Boudica the Lyoness]

36. Thanks for posting that

That is really lovely.

[GirlinContempt]

37. I would never marry someone if I felt like that about anyone else.

[redqueen]

47. Yup. (nt)

[LeftyMom]

38. Yes. In a way the violence was a gift- I don't miss him at all.

No backward glances, no might-have-beens, no wistful sighing over old pictures.

And it only took me two months to regain the ability to eat solid food, once I was released from the hospital.

[davsand]

39. I'm glad I had sense enough not to marry the asshole.

He put me upside a wall one night because he didn't like my friends. He stalked me for over a year after I booted his ass out. Twenty five years later they are still in my life, and he is long gone.

Just because they were a first love doesn't make them the right one.



Laura

[Beer Snob-50]

40. Still think of my first love though it was almost 30 years ago

My Mother for some unknown reason, sent me in the mail a box recently with a few items this girl has given me that were still in her house.

I don't know why I think of her still, she reminds me of Jackie from That 70's Show. Same attitude. she runs a dance studio in the area where I work now.

[redqueen]

41. You can not get over anything if you romanticize it enough. (nt)

[Fredda Weinberg]

42. True love never dies. Unfortunately, people do. But no regrets n/t

[Throd]

43. I got over it and so should you.

Is it good to have a "hole in your heart" for somebody who isn't coming back? Regrets are one thing, but anything beyond that will taint any future relationships you may have. I know I wouldn't want to be involved with a woman who was secretly pining for the one that got away. I still think fondly of some of the women in my past, but that was then, my wife is now and deserves my full affection.

Looking back at your first love might blind you to your true love.

[Throd]

45. Wow, why did my reply appear multiple times?

[Gormy Cuss]

54. You've been caught in the repeat bug vortex.

Either that or you're being redundant again.

:-)

[PRETZEL]

44. Reminisce about it every so often,

but that's about it. I do wonder what happened to her. But that's about it. I know I could very easily pass her on the street and not ever know the difference.

Thirty some odd years is a long time ago.

[Ariana Celeste]

46. i won't

i don't have a huge hole and fortunately it wasn't a bad break up, we just lived too far from each other and had our own lives. but i now live in the same city he used to live in, and i have to ride the bus that goes past his old house sometimes. and everytime even though i know he doesnt live there i look out the window for him anyways. he randomly pops into my head a lot. theres a song that makes me think of laying in bed with him every time i hear it, because we'd play that album together and he'd sing that song to me.
i found him on myspace a few days ago. my sister and i were talking and we thought of him and looked him up and he had created a profile just a couple weeks ago! i sent him a request, it will be interesting to see how he is doing.

[skygazer]

48. I think of my first love often and fondly

But there's no hole in my heart, or regret. We had a wonderful thing for nearly 3 years, we were both very young and needed to grow up and experience more of life before we settled down with anyone. I think I would likely have far more regrets had we married at that point.

I suppose its different for different people and different circumstances but I feel like my life moved in the directions it was supposed to.

[Jimbo S]

49. I hardly think of her.

It lasted nine months, and haven't seen her since it ended. That was 20 years ago.

[Jimbo S]

50. delete

[Jimbo S]

51. delete

[A-Long-Little-Doggie]

52. I married my first love

and had 2 sons with him. So I get to see him WAY too often! And the more I see him the more thankful I am that I am no longer with him...

[Ellen Forradalom]

55. I love my first love again.

and he loves his first love again too.

I think we do a disservice to the young when we deny that their love may be real.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

57. umm if you feel like that about someone, you are not over it

and i wouldnt want to be your current love

[TrogL]

58. NO, and I don't want to talk about it

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

59. Not a 'first' love but THE love

We met on the set of a school play in 1996. We were both in our very early 20s, young and naive. We clicked instantly, we dated and then he broke it off in 1997, afraid that I was just seeking a green card. Yet, we kept in touch, even as we lived our lives. We met again a fateful day in 2001. I remember wanting him to ask me to stay and leave my life behind; I would have done it. But he didn't ask; and so our lives went on.

We communicated once in a while, our life paths forging in different directions. I had moved to New York City by then. And then, 2006 came. I returned to North Carolina and, by March 2007, I gained the courage to write him again.

To my surprise, he answered and, through our conversations, we each learned that we'd been thinking about one another at least weekly since the break-up; we each learned how stupid we were to let this chance slip by. It turns out that by then our life paths had both been joined again; we were both in similar personal circumstances.

We took a plunge into the unknown; in the process, we discovered we belong together and we have been living happily together for the past four months. He is my best friend, my companion, my lover and, more importantly, the love of my life. How many people can say they have had a second chance at love? Not many. I am glad to be one of the few.

[DarkTirade]

60. Nope.

I've had two that I would consider to be 'loves' before... and in both have changed so much over the years as to no longer really be the person I fell in love with. And I'm sure I've changed too.

One of them I wouldn't mind giving it another try, but I'd imagine any relationship we had now would be more just having sex and hanging out than being head-over-heels in love with each other. :P

And I'm not saying I got over them easily... it took years. The first one dumped me (for good reason, I'm not bitter. That's the one I still talk to on a regular basis and wouldn't mind giving another try. We were high school sweethearts that didn't last when we went to two different colleges.) back in 2000 or 2001. The second was a bit more of a roller-coaster ride, breakups and getting back together and talk of marriage and all that... we didn't have our final breakup until... crap. I can't even remember if it was a little more than a year, or a little more than 2 years ago. October-ish. That's all I remember. And I got over her pretty damn quickly, because that was a mutual breakup. That, and I'd broken up with her before and wasted time pining away for her then. :P So I really didn't need to repeat it.

[NC_Nurse]

61. Yes, you do.

Time heals. If there are recurring issues in your relationships it may require some personal work like therapy...

[Lydia Leftcoast]

62. Yes, I did, but read this story...

I met him again two years after we'd gone our separate ways, and I realized that I didn't like him anymore. For one thing, I realized that he had mental problems that I didn't want to deal with.

Now my mother...

She met the love of her life in the late 1940s, but he dumped her for unknown reasons.

Kind of on the rebound (I think), she met and married my dad, lucky for me and my brothers. However, it was clear that she never forgot E, the man from the 1940s.

Meanwhile, E married someone else.

My father died in 1988.

Then in 1992, my mom and E crossed paths again, when they were both 71 years old. By this time, E's wife had died. It took them approximately a week to get engaged.

They had twelve good years together, acting like lovebirds the whole time. Unfortunately, E has Alzheimer's, and now we'll never know why he dumped my mom in the 1940s. However, as far gone as his mind is, his face still lights up when he sees her.

[Omphaloskepsis]

63. I kinda feel that way..

It has been 13 years and I would say that I still love her. But she is married and has a kid. I'm not stupid and I know nothing could ever happen between us again. It also makes it easier knowing that I completely fucked up our relationship. I was the reason it didn't work out.