ok.... Friends with benefits

[lost-in-nj]

anyone have one???
what does it mean in the long run??
If you had one.... are you still friends...
tell me your stories



if you want to.....


if there can be such a thing...


THANKS


lost

[Solon]

1. It really depends on who your friend is that you are sharing benefits with...

sometimes emotions get involved, and a full blown relationship develops, or a breakup follows. The worst case scenario is jealously if one of you or the other gets in a relationship with someone else, and you are knocked back down to friends without benefits. Seems more complicated than its worth.

[lost-in-nj]

5. Complications

thats what I am wondering about....

I really don't want to lose a friend


thanks

lost

[Solon]

17. Yeah, I think it depends on the maturity level of both of you and how good of friends you are...

though, to be honest, I found the whole "friends with benefits" thing to be somewhat unsatisfying. Oh, the sex can be good, and you care about each other, but there's usually something lacking. For myself, if I'm that hard up for some satisfaction, so to speak, I'd do it myself, and not worry about entanglements. Excepting, of course, getting into an actual relationship.

Its really simple when both of you are single and "free", but can get really complicated if either of you end up trying to get with someone else as more than friends.

[Generic Brad]

2. I want one

Where can I get one?

[lost-in-nj]

7. don't know.....

I'll tell you when I figure it out......



lost

[fizzgig]

3. it wasn't so much a friends with benefits thing

as much as a we just...uhhh....yea...every time we got together.

it was great while it lasted, but we've lost touch

[Fire Walk With Me]

4. You said "lost touch".

[fizzgig]

8. heh heh heh

:rofl:

[lost-in-nj]

9. sorry you lost touch

:hug:

thanks



lost

[fizzgig]

15. so it goes

not that i need it anymore ;)

:hug:

[Danger Mouse]

32. we got it all, baby...love AND fun

;)

[DarkTirade]

6. Tried it a couple times.

Wasn't bad, but wasn't what I wanted. I probably wouldn't say no if I happened upon something like that again, but I wouldn't seek it out either.

[lost-in-nj]

11. Thanks hon

just checking out my options......
really, no one in the wings....
just not sure if it is possible.....

lost

:hug:

[DarkTirade]

16. Wait... so you're saying you're single right now?

:P

I keed, I keed.

Seriously though, as long as you're willing and able to not get emotionally involved with anyone you're physically intimate with it's fine. If you're like me and you want/expect the emotional attachment, then it just doesn't work all that well.

[mainegreen]

10. Just make sure your 'friends with benefits' isn't a 'roomates with benefits' as well.

Baaaaad news.

Trust me.

[DarkTirade]

13. I was there when my roommates made that mistake...

it got REALLY awkward around the apartment for a while.

And I was rather oblivious, so I didn't know why for the first month or two.

[fizzgig]

14. oh yeah

it's even worse if the roommate is an ex

i learned that one the very horrible way

[Danger Mouse]

33. ...

:hug:

[lost-in-nj]

23. no roomate

no real candidate for FWB
just



fishing

:)



lost

[Phillycat]

60. A-motherfucking-MEN.

[NMDemDist2]

12. back in the day.....

I've had a few.

usually old boyfriends who were still friends (after a few years of being broke up)

it usually worked out just fine :shrug:

I never started out as friends and 'added' benefits, it was always an ex who fit the bill

:hi:

[Guava Jelly]

18. I have friends with benefits..

The benefits are:An ear when I need one.
Honesty when I need honesty.
And a friend when I most need a friend.
A friend is by default a benefit.
:hi:

[lost-in-nj]

24. you .... how come I knew you would be the voice of reason

I have TRUE friends like that....

thanks


:hug:

loat

[DarkTirade]

30. I need more of those... :)

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

19. For me its something I am ashamed I did.

And its the reason that I have been depressed. Its something that I wish I could erase from my life and mind. I feel ashamed because I know my mother raised me better than that. I finally woke up and realized that no matter,I was still alone. And the more I felt alone, I felt cold. I realized that non of my boyfriends were boyfriends or in love with me - I was just an overpriced friend with benefits. I finally learned the error of my ways and I won't ever do it again.

[Solon]

20. ...

I know that feeling.

:hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

22. Its not a good feeling to feel.

I feel like running away and just starting over ... I feel bad.

[Solon]

26. I can understand that feeling, all too well...

the shame, the feeling of being...used, can be overwhelming.
:hug:

[SPKrazy]

21. Its not something that I can do

I can be a friend

and I can be a friend and a lover

I can't be a friend who has sex

my heart doesn't work that way

:hi:

[lost-in-nj]

25. i hear you

understand....
sorry


lost


:hug:

[AlCzervik]

27. i don't think i could, for me i wouldn't sleep with someone unless i loved them

and if i loved them that way i couldn't just be friends with them., it wouldn't be enough.

[supernova]

28. Feel the same way

as you, chimps.

:pals:

Sex is too intense an experience for me to share it with anyone on a casual basis. I want someone who will appreciate that about me.

[SPKrazy]

29. I've come to believe

that is the truth for me too

it is too intense an experience to just have casually for me

I want more than that with a lover

I want to be loved and to love...

[raccoon]

59. Boy, it's good to read these posts and know I'm not the only one.

Sometimes I get that impression. :shrug:

[Danger Mouse]

31. well...true intimacy only comes with love.

you can fuck around, but it doesn't really mean anything.
when you have sex with someone you truly love and desire, it's like nothing else.
it's the only kind of relationship to have.

[alarimer]

34. It seems to be all I can get

No one wants to be in a relationship with me, apparently. So I'll sometimes settle for this.

[Wapsie B]

35. Yes I do.

It's not something for everybody for sure. I don't quite understand the guilt feelings that some people have, but I realize they do. It wasn't meant to be something where you ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after with someone. To me it means that you share a sexual and a friend connection with another person. You care about each other personally and short of having a romantic connection with them or another person you share physical pleasure as well. To some that is abhorrent. To others it is a way of having that physical closeness with another without going to that next level of falling in love with another. That's not to say that romantic feelings can't develop out of this. In the long run unless there are feelings of love coming about the sex part of the relationship ends when one person falls in love with another.

[CreekDog]

36. I think a job and benefits is even better

would never give that up. :hi:

[Deja Q]

42. Correct. And the job usually won't cheat on you or give you an illness...

Mind you, who knows what management does, the stress kills some people, and it's often said managers fuck their people over so maybe there is no difference...

[CreekDog]

43. Oh as in work? Yeah that too...

:evilgrin:

[leeroysphitz]

37. I had one years ago. Of course I'm now married to her so I guess...

There's no such thing as a free lunch. :)

[Mojambo]

38. Tried it once. It's not for me. n/t

[w8liftinglady]

39. I live with one

financially,it's a great idea.We have our Intimacy from time to time...but it is largely a financial decision.

[Lil Missy]

40. Nope. It's love or nothing with me. n/t

[Deja Q]

41. There can not.

One person or the other develops feelings at some point. Heartbreak is inevitable. If one has more "benefited friends" than the other, more could be going on than just heartbreak.

One I used to have called back some 5 years later. I did not return the call. For a myriad of reasons, but the only past I like to live in is the music from 1980, while creating upper class-worthy art of today. :)

Life may have been much different today... still, things are said to happen for a reason.

Plus, the fortune cookie told me not to give up - good things will be happening soon. So I'm still alive! :7

[crim son]

44. No. If the friendship comes first, the "benefits" make it strange.

If the benefits come first, and friendship follows it's likely you've got a real relationship in the making. I don't believe it works.

[Kat45]

45. I had one, off and on for close to three years.

He's 15 years younger than me. We were more acquaintances than friends. Each of us was looking for a life partner but we weren't the right person for each other--he was looking for someone to marry and have a family with, which was something I was too old for, not that I'd ever wanted that anyway. So hooking up took care of our physical needs. We were safe: neither of us had any other fwbs.

We'd get together maybe once a week, or every couple of weeks. The reason I describe it as off and on, though it was mostly on, is that if either of us met somebody who we were interested in and started seeing them, our thang went on hiatus. Then if that ended, we'd hook up again. It was close to three years, but then I met someone who I'm still seeing so I had to end it. (Though when I broke up with him for a while last year, my fwb and I started hooking up again.) When we run into each other, we chat and catch up a bit.

[He loved Big Brother]

46. People sometimes confuse

FWB with F**k-buddies.

This is just the way I've come to see it- I think f-buddies are people you get together with just for f***ing and no other reason, whereas friends with benefits are people you are friends with, but just happen to f**k as well. A way I tell the difference is, interaction with your f.w.b. is pretty static. If one of you developed a monogamous relationship, or simply stopped fu**ing, you would continue to hang out with the person who was your friend with benefits, keep your clothes on, and interact with normally as you do with any other friend, with the opposite being true for f-buddies- sleeping with them is the sole purpose of knowing them, so if one of you becomes monogamous with someone else, or you simply stopped f-ing, you'd never see one another. You'd just make them disappear- *poof!*- in front of your very eyes, up in a little puff of smoke that smelled of latex condoms and icky fruit-flavored lube and buttsweat. ;-)

I am glad the days of both are over for me. I am still single, but I am no longer interested in doing it for its own sake. It seems lacking, because I can't be as freaky as I want to be unless I am in a completely trusting and long-term relationship with the person. Above the kind of trust and love that comes with friendship. Friends with benefits just make me question why the friendship hasn't evolved to a relationship if the sex is so great and we get along well enough to be friends.

Lordisa, I can't wait to be out of my 20s.

[Inchworm]

47. I have none

other than just their company.

I wish... I do have a lot of things I'd only say to a friend. It would be cool.

:hi:

Edit: my naivety didn't figure "fuck buddy" into the question. I don't want that.

[Fox Mulder]

48. I want one...

[Connonym]

49. I have had and we no longer have benefits but are still good friends

I think it's essential that both parties genuinely like one another and nobody is being taken advantage of, i.e., both parties care more about the friendship than the benefits and both parties know exactly what the limitations are. I can see where it could end up being a very painful situation if there wasn't excellent communication.

[billyskank]

50. You're talking about health insurance here, right?

Free gym membership? Life insurance? No? :shrug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

51. Been there, done that...

;) Can't say much more than that.

[taterguy]

52. Well you could say more . . .

But I suspect that you won't

[NewWaveChick1981]

53. Your suspicions are correct, Mr. Holmes...

:hi: And that would be SHERLOCK Holmes, not some other Mr. Holmes...:P :rofl:

[taterguy]

54. There's another Mr. Holmes?

I had no idea

At least you didn't accuse me of being Columbo.

[NewWaveChick1981]

55. Or some other private dick...

:P :rofl: :hi: Nah, I'd never accuse you of being Columbo.

[taterguy]

56. You're not gonna accuse me of being Frank Cannon are you?

And why did it take me so long to notice that so many private dicks have such phallic names?

[Rosemary2205]

57. I've spent 30 yrs in a friends with benefits situation.

Our benefits do not include sex though, and I realize that's what you are talking about.

My husband was just born without any sex drive at all. He is truly asexual. Incredible friend though. Incredible. As for me, I was 25, had never been on a date. I have my own brand of beauty but most men aren't willing to get past my ugly body to find it. (no, I'm really not hatin' on myself, nature was simply drunk the day it made me- and that's OK)

Anyhoo - we got married so our respective christian families didn't have a cow because we were shacked up. For the first 5 or 10 years, both of us always told the other that if someone came along it was OK to ask for a divorce. Somewhere around the 10 year mark we realized sex is so incredibly meaningless compared to what we have - if we had to choose one or the other we'd take our platonic friendship.

My husband, my lifelong friend, has brain damage from our car accident and will never be "him" again. He is incapable of emotion now and only continues to stay here out of habit and necessity. Our benefit is that with such deep lifelong friendship comes a whole other level of commitment.

Oh sure, it would have been nice to have it all. But my guess is that is probably more rare in marriages than we think, and I'd take this all over in a heartbeat (minus the car accident).

[GaYellowDawg]

58. Couldn't have one.

I don't think I'm wired to have sex without emotions getting involved. It's emotional intimacy that I'd like. Give me someone whom I can have fun and laughter with, talk to, and be physically affectionate with - hugs and casual kisses, and the promise of something more when we're ready. But that's certainly not friends with benefits.

[Beer Snob-50]

61. what kind of benefits do they have?

health insurance, 401k, share...

[Deep13]

62. Shit, why didn't we have that 20 years ago?!

:-(

[MissMillie]

63. the only experience I have w/ this

is that the friend either forgot what his role was as a friend, or figured that this role had merely changed to just the "benefits" thing.

I no longer speak to this person.

As they say..... w/ friend like that who needs enemies?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

64. i had several. i am still friends w. most of them.

[unpossibles]

65. I have had them a few times

and while there are aspects that are nice, I prefer a real relationship. The problem I've found is usually one of the two wants a relationship and is "settling" for something else, so it seldom works out for long. On the other hand, I am still friends with people, but then I am friends with most of my exes too, so no surprise.

Communication is very important here.

[rbnyc]

66. I've had many...

...relationships like this in my teens and twenties. I am still friends with a few. Those who I'm no longer in touch with...nothing bad happened, just normal drifting apart.

I think, for young, responsible people who practice safe sex, "friends with benefits" relationships are great. As long as all parties are honest about their feelings and expectations, there's really nothing to be had but fun. The only thing to watch out for (besides pregnancy and disease) is if one person is really hoping the arrangement will evolve into something "more." Then you really have to draw the line clearly and avoid all hanky panky.

The reason I include "young" in my list of prerequisites is that I think, in general, at a certain age a person may want to opt in to a monogamous, committed relationship with someone who shares your goals, if things like having a family, owning a home and planning for retirement are important to a person, one is likely to find that these are more easily accomplished within a partnership that is not complicated by sex outside the relationship.

My husband is a bit jealous of one of my old friends with benefits buddies. He thinks that we, over time, really fell in love and didn't know how to make the transition in our relationship, and just never talked about it until it was too late. It's actually true, but I would never act on it, unless I wanted to leave my husband, which I don't...so I have distanced myself from this friend.

Otherwise, my husband usually assumes that if I've known a person for more than 15 years, I've had sex with that person, man or woman, and he has no problem with that. I don't have any regrets either. I've said many times, I'm glad I enjoyed myself when I was young and hot! :evilgrin:

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

67. They Can Be Wonderful Things. There Just Has To Be Mutual Understanding, Mutual Respect,

mutual strength, and OPEN COMMUNICATION.

If done maturely through two adults, it can be quite a rewarding thing. I've been involved in such scenarios many times and it's always worked out fine. As long as you truly enjoy each others personalities and company, and can feel physical desire for each other as well, then it can be quite fun. After all, what's more fun then messin around, ya know? But you just have to always make sure the lines are clear and that each partner remains on the same page. If it gets to a point when one partner wants more, then if it's mutual that's great. But if it's not, then the physical aspect should cease immediately, lest one risk being hurt.

But overall, they can be the best kind of physical relationships!