A question of morality, forgiveness and thanks

[Locut0s]

So I've admitted to my parents that I've been stealing their home made wine for a while now. Of course they were not happy about that and were angry at me. However they were more worried about me drinking too much than anything else. I promised them that I would repay them for it and replace the wine I took. I could have bought the wine myself instead of taking it I was more lazy than anything else. This is not an issue of under-age drinking since I am 25, yes I know move out and get your own place. Anyway as a present to my mother, it's her wine, I decided to make her 3 batches of wine, that's about 100 bottles (I've taken 20 bottles at most). I told her I was planning on making her the wine and she was OK with that. Anyway today I presented her the list of what I bought and the dates when they will be ready, all paid for 100%. Her reaction was one of anger and disappointment that I had spent so much money, about $390. She never said thanks, in fact she has never said thanks for the idea at all.

One thing that has been a running theme throughout my mothers life has been her inability to be comfortable with spending ANY money. She can't spend any money on her self without feeling guilty and me and my father are berated day and night for spending too much, despite the fact that we live a comfortable middle class lifestyle and are not in any serious financial troubles. Although as a backlash to her harshness my father does spend too much money on toys for himself. I can remember many other instances where me or my father have bought her something as a gift and she has not said one word of thanks until MUCH latter, only shown anger and disapproval at the expense. My mother grew up in a family that was actually quite wealthy in Malaysia but her parents were so stingy that they lived like peasants, I mean literally like peasants. That has forever warped her emotional life when it comes to issues of finance.

I'm more than a bit conflicted here should I feel remorseful and guilty for having stolen the wine and not expect any thanks at all for the wine I bought? Should I feel hurt for not having been given any thanks for the gift? Thing is my mother never really made a huge deal about me taking the wine in the first place, I said I was sorry and she accepted that and we moved on for the most part.

[swag]

1. Gee. I'm not a therapist or counselor or anything,

but I'd just try to write the whole thing off emotionally and move on.

Good idea about getting your own place, too.

[Fire Walk With Me]

2. You're trying to repay them, as you'd promised. Just do so with the new wine and let it be.

Sounds like any method of reimbursement would have provoked the same response.

You can't change people, but you can give them the room to change.

[Locut0s]

3. Yes I know that's the right thing to do, and it's what I will do I'm just....

blowing off some emotional steam. My relationship with my parents can be a love hate one at times.

[zabet]

4. 2 cents...

from here on out, spend
the money on wine for you
and leave hers alone.
Moving out, if possible
financially, might make
your relationship with
your parents better.

[skygazer]

5. My take on this

First of all, you know you shouldn't have taken their wine to begin with, you fessed up and you made a deal to repay that. All of that is good - whether you should still feel remorseful or guilty is kind of a moot point now. It's done, you're doing what you can to rectify it, there's no need to continue to beat yourself up.

Next question - expecting thanks for the wine you bought. Well, frankly, I wouldn't really expect thanks for it and I certainly wouldn't feel hurt not to get any. You bought it not as a gift but to repay a debt incurred when you pilfered their wine. The most I would expect is a satisfaction that you did the right thing.

As for your mother's irritation about what you spent, I would accept that as simply being the way your mother is. We all have our issues and that's hers.

And I do agree that the best thing for relationships with parents is not living with them. :hi:

[Locut0s]

7. Yes you are right and I know it. However the wine I purchased...

is also significantly more than what I took, by more than 3 times. My idea was not only to make up for what I took but to also make it a genuine gift. Guess I should have chose something else. It's not the most personal thing anyway. As for moving out my mother is of the traditional Chinese bent on that. I'm sure she would be stressed out to no end if I left. Course for myself it's probably the best thing in the long run. Financially I can't really afford that though. I'm on a $13/hr job and I'm saving money to go back to university.

[liberaltrucker]

6. Your Mom grew up in Malaysia

From the replies, I see advice based on US culture.

You Mom is reacting based on the culture she grew
up in. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems you're
caught in a conflict of cultures.

The American in me says "Move on and live your life".
The human in me is as confused as you.

Belated welcome to DU!

:hi:

[Locut0s]

8. Thank you very much!

Yes I of course love my mother as she loves me. She is often not an easy person to love though. Perhaps if both my parents were Chinese I would not be in as much emotional conflict as I so often am. Oh well C'est la vie. I would still not trade my mixed cultural upbringing though for all the gold in China ;)

[KitchenWitch]

9. My take on this...

I would be worried about your character if you did not feel any remorse for stealing the wine.

I also think, that though you may have only stolen 20 bottles worth of wine, the fact that you bought the makings of 100 bottles may not "feel" like a gift to your mom, instead it may feel more like restitution for her. In that case, she may not feel like she owes you any gratitude.

As for the other gifts for your mom...and the judgment about money spent, etc. Only you know what you can afford, and you have no control over how your mom reacts to the gifts. Nor can you control your dad's behavior.

Just my $0.02

[Redstone]

10. Since you asked, I'll answer with an honest opinion:

I don't knwo you, and don't remember seeing any of your posts before, so based solely on this post, I get a STRONG feeling that you have issues not only with yourself but also with your relationship with your parents, that run MUCH deeper than this "wine issue."

I'm not giving medical advice, because we're not supposed to do that here and I respect the rules. But if I were allowed to give such advice it would be to run, not walk, to the nearest competent therapist.

I'd bet $100 that, deep down inside, you KNOW it's not just the bottles of wine.

Redstone

[Locut0s]

11. lol. Yeah I certainly have other issues but all and all my family life is loving and stable when...

compared to many others. I do have my own emotional problems that no doubt stem from my family and I'm on medication for anxiety and depression. I have been to one therapist who unfortunately was no good, all he did was medicate me and I slept for 2 weeks straight. Seeing another is something I have thought about off and on but like I said things are not nearly as bad as they could be or as I see in many other families.