Twas The Night Before Christmas

[Parche]

'Twas a country quite listless, for in the White House
All the shredders were shredding, fed by the dry souse.
The Department of Justice did not have a care,
Full knowing that Congress would never go there.

The Cabinet was smirking, with zero street cred,
While visions of pardons danced in their pinheads.
And Bush in his flight suit with Dick spewing his crap,
Called up party faithful to cheerlead their pack.

When from the front lawn there arose such a clatter -
'Twas an army of citizens (as if they would matter).
Junior and Cheney were up in a flash,
And to the back exit they carried the trash.

Trucks took the confetti away to a dump
And Junior was giggling, like a lame frat-boy chump.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
The Statue of Liberty, and for all to hear,

She roared at the duo that they made her sick.
The scoundrels, they trembled (especially Dick).
And, with a bald eagle, she hurled out the blame,
At appointees and annointees, she called them by name.

"Out, Dubya! Out, Cheney! Out, Rice and Mukasey!
Out all the enablers, both crooked and lazy.
You've ruined a nation, with your greed and gall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

Junior was frightened. He squealed like a sow.
Cheney retreated. "Feets don't fail me now."
So into the White House, they ran and they hid.
They both called their lawyers. What facts could they rig?

And then, in a twinkling, they saw in the hall
A figure approaching, both regal and tall.
He had a white beard, wore a star spangled hat.
He sneered at the duo. "Your uncle is back."

He was dressed like a flag, from his head to his feet,
But the flag was all tarnished from lies and deceit.
He stared at the culprits. "Do you know who I am?"
They both nodded dumbly. It was Uncle Sam.

"To the words of the law, you have turned a deaf ear.
You've squandered your power. You've made people fear
For their lives and their families. You've tortured the facts.
You've never been leaders, just political hacks."

Uncle Sam bristled, rolled paper in hand.
"It's the Constitution! The law of the land!
This land isn't your land. This land isn't mine.
It belongs to the people and you've run out of time.

"They'll no longer listen to vows learned by rote.
In next year's election, they'll turn out and vote.
They'll fix up this nation. They'll bring freedom back.
We'll no longer torture. We'll get out of Iraq."

Old Dick tried to argue, but as the Veep rose
Sam launched a haymaker upside Cheney's nose.
Bush began spinning, and whined like a girl
As Sam opened the window and spoke to the world.

"Trust in your Uncle, Lady Liberty, too.
We'll be back here in '08, after this wrecking crew."
And the people all cheered as Sam called through the night.
"Don't give up on freedom. Don't give up the fight."
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/node/11631
:patriot: :hi:

[soleft]

1. Here's my mafia version

It was the hit before Christmas, and all through the olive presses
Not a wise guy was stirring cause they’d all gone to the mattresses

The Napolitano Brothers were hung from the meat hooks with care
In the hopes that the protection money from Local 247’d be there

The children were nestled, their heads filled with wishes
Cause nobody’s ever told them Santa sleeps with the fishes

So my wife was asleep, in my bedroom, where my children play
As I was closing the drapes, had to duck from gun spray

Outside the house I heard such a splatter
Nothing’s worse on than lawn than Sicilian brain matter

I reached for the phone, tried to call up Tom Hagan
Who’d do this tonight? Must be a pagan

Bazzini, Tessio, maybe Clemenza
Then heard a car engine, sounded like a Mercedes Benza

I looked down the drive - thought no way that’s a rental
9 guys pulling up in a Green Continental

I smelled garlic, and basil, and fresh Provolone
I knew in a moment it must be Capone

They got out of the car, Capone took his time
He started saying their names, and it’s amazing they rhyme

Yo Tony, Yo Sonny, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Michael, Ay Fredo, Ay Paulie, Ay Guido

He said, when you walk in the snow, don’t yous leave any track-es
Now get the f*#k outta here, Go file my taxes


A few seconds later I heard the doorbell
I was still really confused, I thought he’d died in his cell

He said through the door, Don, I just want to talk
You won’t end up on the floor all outlined in chalk

So I opened the door and let him into my home
Godfather, he said, I’ve just come from Rome

I’ve got all these toys, I’m here to spread hope
I may get to heaven if I can impress the Pope

He was dressed in a charcoal gray pinstripe suit
silk scarf ‘round his neck, six inch shiv in his boot

He seemed nervous so I poured him a shot glass of whiskey
He kissed my hand, both my cheeks, I said, look don’t get frisky

He said Don, I was thinking of moving some blow
This time of year he’s so busy, how’s the Pope gonna know

He took out a glock nine and pointed it at me
I thought that would look nice under my tree

I figured he was hungry, he was so roly poly
I said, hey, Al, Leave the gun, you can take the cannoli

And listen my friend, this business of drugs is no good
Hookers and gambling, think about it you should

And don’t think cause you’re dead, that Al, you can’t lose
Your mother in Palermo could wear cement shoes

He got really quiet, started scratching his scar
I said, Listen to your Don, and we walked to his car

I could give you a job, just pick a Casino
We got places in Vegas, Carson City and Reno

He got in his car, told his driver to go
I went inside cause it was 20 freakin’ below

But I heard him exclaim as he accepted my offer
Merry Xmas to you, and uh…where the f#@k’s Jimmy Hoffa?

[AnneD]

2. Les Bontemp Rollez The Cajun Version.....

Cajun Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas an' all t'ru de house,
Dey don't a ting pass Not even a mouse.
De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo',
An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'.

De Mama in de fireplace done roas' up de ham,
Sit up de gumbo an' make de bake yam.
Den out on de by-you dey got such a clatter,
Make soun' like old Boudreau done fall off his ladder.

I run like a rabbit to got to de do',
Trip over de dorg an' fall on de flo'.
As I look out de do'in de light o' de moon,
I t'ink, "Mahn, you crazy or got ol' too soon."

Cux dere on de by-you w'en I stretch ma'neck stiff,
Dere's eight alligator a pullin' de skiff.
An' a little fat drover wit' a long pole-ing stick,
I know r'at away got to be ole St.Nick.

Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de' gator dey came
He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name:
"Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an' Alcee'!
Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an'Renee'!

To de top o' de porch to de top o' de wall,
Make crawl, alligator, an' be sho' you don' fall."
Like Tante Flo's cat t'ru de treetop he fly,
W'en de big ole houn' dorg come a run hisse's by.

Like dat up de porch dem ole 'gator clim!
Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'.
Den on top de porch roof it soun' like de hail,
W'en all dem big gator, done sot down dey tail.

Den down de chimney I yell wit' a bam,
An' St.Nicklus fall an' sit on de yam.
"Sacre!" he axclaim, "Ma pant got a hole
I done sot ma'se'f on dem red hot coal."

He got on his foots an' jump like de cat
Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT!
He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot,
An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot.

A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back,
He look like a burglar an' dass fo' a fack.
His eyes how dey shine his dimple, how merry!
Maybe he been drink de wine from de blackberry.

His cheek was like a rose his nose a cherry,
On secon' t'ought maybe he lap up de sherry.
Wit' snow-white chin whisker an' quiverin' belly,
He shook w'en he laugh like de stromberry jelly!

But a wink in his eye an' a shook o' his head,
Make my confi-dence dat I don't got to be scared.
He don' do no talkin' gone strit to hi work,
Put a playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk.

He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head,
Cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said:
"Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame,
Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came."

So he run out de do' an, he clim' to de roof,
He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof.
He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip,
De' gator move down, An don' make one slip.

An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go,
"Merry Christmas to all 'til I saw you some mo'!"


http://www.creativeyouthideas.com/blog/humor/cajun_night_before_christmas_1.html

[AnneD]

3. Here's a bunch Moore.....

http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/historical/a/twas_the_night.htm