Dear Doctoral Committee,

[Writer]

My name is Writer, and I want to study Mass Communication at your university. I always enjoyed watching television growing up. Like, The Cosby Show was a cool program and I thought Alex Keaton was the coolest character on Family Ties. When I was at Dartmouth, I liked to stay home from partying and watch Friends. The Ross and Rachel getting together episode was really cool.

A lot of my friends talk about news and that, like, they're not covering the issues and that Katie Couric is messing up what Tom Brokaw (or whoever) did before her. I think news is good and I like to read it on the internet in between TMZ and Perez Hilton. The war in Iraq is really, really bad and I hope it ends soon. If we could only tell everyone to leave each other alone and stay in their own countries I think the world would be a better place. George Bush is an okay president, but he never seems to talk a lot about anything I really care about, so what's up with that?

Oh, so I really would like to study my doctorate at your university, because I want to use the skills I learn to make the world a better place. That's what they taught me at Dartmouth and Oxford, but my mom said that I really should do this because I would become a better thinker. I mean, I went to Dartmouth and Oxford, so I think I should fit in pretty well there.

So that's all, and please consider me for your program.

Okay?

Signed,

~Writer~

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. I would, like, so totally take you on as my student

You could totally do a dissertation on how Friends changed a generation! That would be so awesome. Probably the awesomest dissertation ever at Oxford and/or Dartmouth, wherever I teach, because it would help those other TV writers that have like shows and so forth that they write for and such, to know how to write a show that would affect another generation watching that show in a positive kind of way, like Friends totally did (and OMG is David Schwimmer hot, right?!), right? U R so my student, now. Mass Communications - represent!! YO! LOL!

[Writer]

2. U R Awesome!

I am so psyched about doing my doctorate with you! Give me your phone number so I can text you some stuff I've been thinking about, okay?

BTW, is this a lot of work?

~Writer~

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. OMG! UR ROXORZ! I'm at the theater right now watching some dumb movie

with the film class, but I'll totally text you when it's done! It's like about this citizen guy, Cain or Kane or something. Totally lame. Not like Family Ties at all! No one famous is in it, either, and it's totally in black and white! HOW LAME?!?! ROWS BUTT?! LAME!! LOL!!!! It'll be gr8 having a student who understands what good is! ROXORZ!!! LOL!

[Writer]

11. Kane? My dog's name is Kane!

OMG - that is so cool! I am so coming to your school. Especially now that no name no slogan totally dissed me. Gotta go. L8r, k?

~Writer~

[Guava Jelly]

3. ...

:rofl: you nut..

[Writer]

4. OMG - WHAT??!???

Did I do something weird or something? I am so going to get in.

[Guava Jelly]

6. I would bet my yacht on it after this letter.

Wait..I don't own a yacht.:crazy:

[no name no slogan]

5. Dear Writer,

Thank you for your interest in our esteemed, world-renowned program. At this time, we have no need for educated, conscientious scholars who have no use for trumpeting the party line of those in power.

We would recommend you tune out the truth, and go back to watching COPS, the greatest product of the modern television era.

Once again, thank you for your interest in our program.

[Writer]

8. Oh noes, I didn't get in!

I've been living at home for the last ten years and my mom said that this is the only way I can go somewhere else.

Now I don't know what to do.

But COPS is a cool show. I can do that.

~Writer~

[Kutjara]

7. You don't need a doctorate.

You already possess all the communications skills you'll ever need for a career at the highest levels of broadcast journalism.

[Writer]

10. Broadcast journalism?

Is that when a person gets on the camera and talks to other people? I thought I was getting a degree in TV watching or something like that.

OMG I am soooo confused.

~Writer~

[Kutjara]

12. Don't worry, it's the same thing.

When you watch TV, don't you sometimes make comments on what's happening? Well, that's all the "reporters" on the other side are doing, too. They just say whatever comes into their heads between thoughts of what hair gel to try next and whether wearing a flak jacket makes their ass look big.

[Writer]

13. Oh well don't they have to stay good-looking?

You know, so they can get ratings?

(OMG - I think I now know the topic of my dissertation!)

~Writer~

[Kutjara]

14. Of course! That's the most important thing.

As long as a journalist is attractive, wears a nice suit and has enormous hair, he or she will possess that all-important quality: credibility. Who the hell wants to watch some scruffy, disheveled troll in khaki and no makeup talking about boring stuff from a dirty "war zone," when they can get the same news read to them by a person wearing Armani? I mean, really. There's just no comparison.

[FloridaJudy]

15. I personally believe

that US Americans are unable to so, because some people out there don't have that, and our education like such as, like every where should help us build up our future....

Everything I ever needed to know I learned on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

[Writer]

16. OMG, I am so not like her.

My parents made sure I went to good schools because it looks good on my resume. I don't know about her, but I bet she goes to a state school.

[FloridaJudy]

17. Hey! I went to two "State Schools"

UC Berkeley and the University of Florida. Okay, so UF does offer Golf Course Management as a major, but they take only the top 5% of graduating HS seniors. At the time I attended "state schools" were unbelievably inexpensive: it was possible to work your way through college and get scholarships so that you could graduate mostly debt-free. Unfortunately, that's no longer the case.

I thought your OP was parodying the kind of mentality Miss Wherever so eloquently demonstrates - I'm sure she has a great shot at working for Faux News. Even when I'm with intelligent people, there are days when I want to scream if I hear another "ya know".