Need advice - how do I stop exchanging gifts with this woman?

[Phillycat]

I've been friends with C for maybe 6 or 7 years now. We were much, much closer in the past. She's always been TOO lavish with gifts - the first year we exchanged birthday gifts, she gave me a Coach wallet - ??? She's all about labels and material status in her own life and she foists that on other people too.

We've lived several states away for years now, and our friendship has waned. She was the only person who I invited who did not attend my wedding (she had a pretty lame excuse, too). But she sent the Barefoot Contessa cookbook and a $100 gift card to Williams Sonoma!

In the past, I've given her gifts that were the nicest I could afford, because she always gives me such nice things. But at this point, I honestly don't even care that much about the friendship and I certainly don't want to exchange gifts anymore. She sent me a cashmere sweater (!) for my birthday in October. I sent her a hand made paper journal and Godiva chocolates for her birthday in November. A clear dialing down, yes? I was hoping against hope that she wouldn't send us anything for Christmas. Saturday, a box full of stuff from Williams Sonoma arrived. DAMMIT. Probably $100 worth of stuff.

What do I do? Is it possible for us to send a nice thank-you card and just not send her ANYTHING in return? In the past, I've asked her not to send things (using the old "I can't afford to buy gifts this year" excuse) and she's sent stuff ANYWAY, and told me she was really hurt by what I had said. But not sending anything would get the point across, wouldn't it?

It's not the money. We have the money. It's that this person is not important in our lives and I don't want to buy more needless consumer crap and contribute to our fucked-up economy for someone who isn't important to me. And it can't be anything normal - it's got to be Pottery Barn or Ann Taylor or some LABEL.

What do I do?

[hippywife]

1. Maybe

a $25 gift card to WalMart? Just kidding. Maybe a card explaining, once again, as nicely as possbile that you really wish to stop the gift exchange. No excuses like not being able to afford it but an honest, up-front, "Hey, I appreciate the thoughtfulness but I need this to stop." I was going to say sentiments but at this point in the story, I'm not really sure who she sees as benefiting more from this. From your story, she seems to have this emotional need she fulfills in this way.

Or maybe you could donate the stuff she sent to a local charity who feeds the homeless and send her a card telling her how badly they needed it and how thrilled they were to receive her gift.

I dunno. Good luck! :hi:

[MissMillie]

2. donate to a charity in her name

that's what I'd do.

[1gobluedem]

4. I was going to say the same thing

Do that a few times and the presents will stop coming.

[NewJeffCT]

3. how about this?

Just tell her that this year, you are only exchanging gifts with your family? you can cite a lack of time/too busy and rushed or just personal reasons.

[undeterred]

5. Just tell her and stop.

Thats a lot of money to spend on someone who isn't family. You have to be willing to let her have hurt feelings and not feel bad about it. Not your problem.

[Phillycat]

6. UPDATE: I made a decision!

Thank you for all your prompt and thoughtful advice. Thanks especially to hippywife and MissMillie - as soon as you both mentioned charities, it clicked in my head. I just made a $50 donation to Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society in her name and sent her an ecard to let her know. :) As someone below said, that's a lot of money to spend on someone who isn't family - but I don't mind spending it on the doggies. :D

Thanks, all! You're very wise!!

:hi:

[zanne]

11. Good for you, Janesez!

You solved your problem and helped neglected animals in the process--way to go!:yourock:

[Phillycat]

17. That's the shelter from which we fostered Molly the dog recently.

So I know they do good work! :D :hug:

[zanne]

19. Do you mean Molly with the pancake on her head? nt

[marzipanni]

21. I'm S-A-lly, not M-O-lly

but if any other fashionable dog wishes to be avant garde and wear a pancake, more power to them!
And, as a compatriot former rescue/foster dog, I salute giving gifts of animal welfare to those of the human persuasion.

[zanne]

33. I showed the picture to my greatnieces....

(They're two and four). They thought it was the most hilarious thing they'd ever seen.

[hippywife]

12. That was quick! LOL

That idea was probably already floating around in your subconscious anyway and talking it out loud made it come to the forefront.

Glad to have helped, anyway. :hi:

[grace0418]

20. That's EXACTLY what I was going to suggest. Good on ya! It's the best

solution to this problem. You get your point across (hopefully), she'll look like a horrible bitch if she gets offended (not that you really care), and some animals in need get something much more useful than a designer wallet. YAY!

[Mutley]

34. Awesome!

:thumbsup:

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. Maybe she isn't looking for a quid pro quo - which seems to be apparent.

Perhaps she just likes giving gifts.

And yes, of course you can send her nothing in return - there is absolutely no contract, implied or otherwise, that if one receives a gift from someone one must then give them a gift.

If the person genuinely enjoys giving gifts, then she'll continue to send you gifts whether you send her anything or not. If she's quid pro quo-ing, then she'll get pissy and stop sending gifts and you're better off without her.

[Phillycat]

10. See above - we'll see if she continues to send gifts after I donated to a charity

in her name. I suspect she won't. We shall see! Thanks for your thoughts.

[Arkansas Granny]

14. Your answer is much the same as I would say. Some people

just enjoy giving gifts, whether they get anything in return or not. In this case I think a donation to charity in her name is a wonderful idea.

[Gormy Cuss]

18. Spot on, Rabrrrrrr.

The only response necessary is an expression of thanks, not a gift of equal value or status.

[DS1]

8. send back pictures of you and relatives heaving and wretching while

opening her presents

:evilgrin:

[Phillycat]

9. Shut it, you.

*stern* :D

[CreekDog]

28. Oh c'mon, even *I* could have thought of that one!

But she's looking for useful advice.

:spray:

[Hugin]

13. Two words: Fruit Cake.

:D

Upon reading the various replies, I agree a charity donation is the best solution. :thumbsup:

[Dr. Strange]

15. Prag!

Is it just me, or have you not posted in a long while?

Still no luck finding a new name?

[Hugin]

16. I've been over in LBN...

Watching the economy slide down the tubes.

But! Great news! Excluding Energy and Food costs chocolate rations are Up! Up! Up!

No, no luck on a name tho... I figure I'll ride this one out until 15,000 and switch.

Thanks for asking. :)

[CreekDog]

29. Tomatoes are fruit. Tomato fruit cake?

:think:

[tigereye]

22. that's interesting -

I was just wondering if I should bake a nut bread for some old dear friends who live close by, but we rarely see anymore.


your issue is much more complicated... looks like you came up with some good solutions!

[Phillycat]

23. See, if it was a nut bread...

I make most of my gifts for people - knitting, mostly. I thoroughly enjoy making gifts, and don't begrudge the time and expense involved. I am just finishing a hat and scarf set for my best friend, made with gorgeous mohair that I got in England for a fraction of what it was worth (yarn store going out of business - woo!)

But this friend I spoke of in the OP would turn her nose up at a handmade gift. She's really quite materialistic - a trait I don't admire in people.

I say make the nutbread. :) A gift made with love will never go unappreciated.

[Fire Walk With Me]

24. Sounds like she sets her self-worth via expenditure. She'd probably take it very personally

if you asked her to cease and desist.

I want to be noticed too, but at least I'm working on it. She is holding you hostage in this dynamic via her extravagance.

Ask her to tone it down to your level of giving or to stop. It's not fair to you, and she should be willing to be fair to you. Gift-giving can easily be vampiric and frought with expectation. I hope that this is not the case here and that she's willing to be flexible. If not, no loss.

[Phillycat]

25. Thanks for your thoughts...

See post #6 for what I decided to do. Your suggestion is much more honest and braver, but I didn't feel up to it. I have a feeling what I did do will get the desired response anyway.

And yes, what you said about her setting her self-worth via expenditure is absolutely correct. Her house is decorated like a showplace - she'd be ready for "Better Homes and Gardens" to show up any second. And she did that before she turned 30! More power to her if that's what makes her happy, but we have different priorities, that's for sure. :shrug:

[Fire Walk With Me]

30. That sounds like the best solution!

Edit: And you have to have compassion for someone who hasn't yet figured out how to be "in" with others. That's a hard road...

[Magrittes Pipe]

26. Step 1: cut a hole in the box.

:D

[Phillycat]

27. If I knew how to put my vagina in a box, do you think

I'd be wasting time here talking to you?

:D

[Magrittes Pipe]

31. Yeah, well.

;)

[Inchworm]

32. hehe

:rofl:

[tekisui]

35. Send her a box of poo-poo.

She'll get the hint.:)