I feel ugly right now. That's a new one.

[amitten]

Post-date. NOT a good feeling. Men usually find me very attractive...what's up?

I've had about ten dates with a really great guy who treats me like gold, and like he genuinely likes me. He loves to kiss me a lot...and that seems to be about it. I can't seem to get him really sufficiently worked up sexually. He's not really very touchy-feely with me, either. Maybe I'm not his "type".

During our on/off requisite 30 min. makeout session tonight, he actually pulled back at one point and said we should stop and SAVE IT FOR LATER. :wtf:

Strangely, he seems to want to keep seeing me and keeps setting up subsequent dates.

I'm sad and my ego is bruised... :cry:

[SPKrazy]

1. i suspect it has nothing to do with you

but there is something that holds him back

he wouldn't be there if he weren't interested

:hug: :hug:

no more ego bruise, put some ice on it and forget about it

seriously, he's got some issue about it that is about him, not you

:shrug:

[amitten]

2. I wish I could feel that way.

I'm used to having no problem in this arena. I feel very hurt right now.

[Wapsie B]

3. There is nothing wrong with you.

I would say he's got issues about not having sex until marriage, or at least until engagement. How have his other relationships gone? Is there a pattern of any kind?

[amitten]

5. I have no idea. I don't think it's a no sex till marriage thing.

He's very liberal-minded and not religious.

He has never talked about his previous relationships. In fact, he never talks with me about anything of a personal or emotional nature. It's been very hard getting to know him.

[Wapsie B]

7. Not talking about personal or emotional things would be a red flag to me.

If it's an actual relationship he's gotta share things like that.

[amitten]

9. Well, I've never brought anything like that up with him. I just

don't feel comfortable enough yet.

So, he doesn't really know anything personal about me either. He hasn't asked, so I'm just going with the flow so to speak. Especially since I always hear advice that men will get "scared" off by too much talk too soon.

[Wapsie B]

15. Without knowing him we're all just guessing.

But I wonder if it might not be something like Connym suggested, or performance anxiety, or something related to his being able to have sex.

[amitten]

24. Yeah, I've thought that too. I wish I could go into more detail but

I'm afraid this thread would get locked. Basically, my concerns have been:

1. He doesn't seem anxious to get undressed, or to undress me
2. When I have been in a state of (somewhat) undress, he doesn't seem very aroused by it (most men want to give your bod the once-over). In fact, it's almost like he avoids looking at it.
3. He never wants me to pleasure him...he just tries to pleasure me "down below" with hands only, and usually while dressed
4. He keeps telling me he doesn't want to rush
5. His physical "excitement" comes and goes
6. He never seems to want to touch me under my shirt (granted, they're small, but still!)

But he keeps making dates with me and treating me like a princess.

I am feeling so low. For real.

[Whoa_Nelly]

46. You have options

stop dating him.

Whatever his agenda is as to the "why" of the whole relationship so far, it's apparent you are dissatisfied.

Use your options, and start dating others.

You are not the problem, dearheart.

Sure, it's great to be treated like you're worth a Brazillion Bucks. Have been there...one guy turned out to be into "ownership" and "Power Over"...became very verbally and emotionally abusive...the treating me well part was part of his agenda for having control over the relationship, and then (so he thought) over me.

Anyway...
If you are dissatisfied, then move on. We can't figure everybody out, can't learn everyone's personal agenda, and we don't have to do so. All we really need to know during the dating phase is our own agenda. And, if two people have mutuality in getting to know each other, then things may actually move forward into something worthwhile and serious.

Things don't sound very mutual from your side. So, rather than worrying or feeling bad about yourself, know that this is not the guy to keep seeing, and recognize that it's not you, and that you ARE still a beautiful person inside and out. :hug:

[amitten]

77. Thanks...what a nice post.

I'm not ready to give up on him yet. I think the good treatment he gives is a true sign of his positive feelings for me.

But the sexual stuff is an issue. I'll continue for a few more weeks and see what develops, trying to find an explanation along the way.

If all else fails, yes, I will move on.

[Dorian Gray]

41. Maybe

he feels that if you aren't comfortable enough yet to share those details of your emotional life, you aren't ready yet for sex? Some people like to take things slowly and wait. (It's not MY hard and fast rule, but it's not always a bad idea to wait for sex.)

[Shakespeare]

4. Have you tried ASKING him how he feels about physical involvement?

Don't tear yourself up wondering or assuming--just ask him what's going on, what he wants, etc.

[amitten]

6. I did once...

He said that he wants to "take things slow" because he really likes me, and doesn't often find someone he likes so much.

:shrug:

I don't know if that's even a genuine possibility for a man after two whole months...but I've just taken him at his word so far.

[Connonym]

8. A thought

Unfortunately, I know this one from personal experience. It's possible he has herpes or something and is scared as hell to tell you.

[amitten]

10. That has occured to me.

But I'm not sure it accounts for his lack of arousal.

At one point, I was kissing his neck and he basically recoiled. Not in a ticklish way. :cry:

I am seriously hurt. Most guys would have been all over me in this situation.

[Droopy]

12. Lay it on the line

Just say, "I want to boink dammit. What's the fucking hold up?!"

[amitten]

14. Well, I don't really want to quite yet.

But we haven't even gotten halfway there. He's told me he wants to take it slow because he really likes me.

[Arugula Latte]

11. In the olden days, I would have guessed that he's gay.

But, today, why would a liberal guy go through the charade?

Strange, indeed.

Are you sure you want to keep seeing someone who seems so guarded? :shrug:

[amitten]

13. This is also a concern....

He's very pro-gay rights and has talked on many occasions about gay-related stuff with me, kinda out of nowhere.

But he's a liberal, in a liberal city, and I would think he wouldn't bother with me if he didn't like women...I guess...?

[Arugula Latte]

16. Hmm. Possibly he can't quite admit to himself that he's gay.

Just a possibility ... Maybe he's trying to convince himself that he's straight. It is much easier to be straight in this society, and maybe his family has issues, etc.

[Droopy]

18. He may be a self deluded gay man

Or he could just be very sensitive. I don't know. I'm very much pro-gay rights, but I would not hesitate when with a woman. Sexuality is such a gray area sometimes. There's no telling what could be going through the guy's mind. Have a serious coversation with him about it. Tell him your concerns.

[amitten]

21. I just can't, not yet. It doesn't feel right.

I did ask him a few dates ago something along the lines of, "don't you find me attractive?"

He said he finds me desirable. Also, he does do alot to try to please me "down there" so to speak, but only with his hands and with clothes on. Just...strange.

[SmokingJacket]

54. I was in the same situation once.

He used to talk about being the only straight guy in Act-Up (the AIDS activism group). I was like, Err, okay.

Sex with him was very... weird. Relationship didn't last long, but we stayed friends.

Years later, I mentioned dating him to a lesbian friend of mine, who knew him them. She was highly amused. "YOU dated HIM?"

Even liberal guys sometimes take a while to come to terms with their true selves, I think.

[Nicole]

17. Maybe he's unable

to get worked up sexually because of a physical condition?

That could explain his not being touchy-feely. He knows it could lead you down a road he can't travel on.

[UndertheOcean]

19. Maybe he has erectile dysfunction, but he still likes you

and is afraid of your reaction when you find out.

[amitten]

20. I've thought of that.

His erections (what I can feel of them) seem to come and go.

He doesn't get erect nearly as quickly/easily as most guys I've known, at any rate.

[UndertheOcean]

23. Bingo , thats it !

Thats probably it ... be open about it .

Either tell him gently you would like to see other people, or encourage him if you really care about him by saying that he does not have to perform everytime so he can take it easy with you and gain some confidence.

[amitten]

26. But what if it's just because he doesn't really find me attractive?

Couldn't that also cause this problem?

[UndertheOcean]

28. Believe me , if he doesn't find you attractive, you wouldn't have seen his face after the first date

He keeps coming back because he likes you.

[amitten]

30. I want so much to believe that.

And I know he does like me, at least as a person. He takes me to all the nicest places and spares no expense. He opens every door for me and pulls out my chair. He treats me like a lady and always makes more dates with me.

Also when we end our dates, he always hugs me a lot like he doesn't want the date to end.

[Dorian Gray]

42. He does sound sweet....

and I tend to think that men in general wouldn't waste their time with a woman they didn't find attractive. It's natural to feel insecure about these things, but I don't think that the problem, no matter what it is, is a reflection on you.

[Heidi]

22. Maybe he just doesn't feel that you know one another well enough yet.

There are plenty of people who don't want physical intimacy until a certain level of emotional intimacy has been established. Nothing wrong with that. I'm guessing there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, or with him. You're just not "there" yet.

He has never talked about his previous relationships. In fact, he never talks with me about anything of a personal or emotional nature. It's been very hard getting to know him.

[amitten]

25. I hope that's it Heidi. I've been so confused for so long.

I've never felt unattractive before. I haven't dated in a long time, and am insecure about it in the first place. And now this keeps happening, and my self-esteem keeps sinking.

[Heidi]

27. Even if he does find you unattractive, he's _just_ one guy.

You've been a human bean long enough to know how that other human beans are an extremely unreliable gauge of whether we're attractive or not. I mean, Paris Hilton has a huge following, if that tells you anything. :hug: :hug:

[amitten]

29. Yeah, I guess so. I guess I wouldn't feel so conflicted if he

wasn't so sweet to me.

He just waits on me hand and foot, and takes me to the nicest places and spares no expense. I've never been treated so well...like he treasures me.

I don't know why a guy would act in such a way if not attracted. Hence my confusion.

Thank you for the hug, I need it. :hug:

[Heidi]

31. I hope you can find a way to stop focusing on this one aspect of

your developing relationship with this guy, and just enjoy all that is good about it, sweetie. It sounds like there's _plenty_ good about it. And there are plenty more hugs where that one came from. :hug: :hug:

[amitten]

32. I will try...I have been trying.

I am very self-protective. I always look out for "warning" signs in relationships...things that might prove to be evidence of something wrong. I feel like if I can guard against things early on, I won't get so badly hurt.

I've been trying to not just ignore something that might be a big red flag, I guess. But maybe I should give it more time.

It's so nice to be treated so well all the time...:hug:

[Heidi]

33. I can only tell you this:

I would say your chances of being badly hurt in this relationship will be in line with your level of expectation. If you can put aside the expectation of physical intimacy, put aside the expectation of him validating your attractiveness, and just enjoy the man's company, then you will have made a friend -- and even if the relationship never progresses to physical intimacy, you'll have a friend and not an "ex." Just enjoy being treated well. Everyone deserves that, and I'm glad for you. :hug: :hug:

[amitten]

34. Thank you so much.

Your advice is always very wise, and very appreciated. :pals:

[Flaxbee]

35. yup, what Heidi says -- she's a wise one

and I will also suggest that while it is great that you are sexually confident, don't look to another person to validate that. Could set you up for a WHOLE WORLD of hurt later on, in different circumstances, and it's just not worth it - like Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Who knows what is up with this guy? Just enjoy his company for what it's worth.

[amitten]

36. Guess so.

I guess I will just see what happens. In the meantime, of course, I'm sad we haven't gotten closer (both emotionally and physically) by now.

I don't even know if he sees anyone else (though I doubt it). And he has never asked me about that, either.

[Dorian Gray]

43. Good advice Heidi.

[gmoney]

38. Believe it or not, here's the red flag...

"He just waits on me hand and foot, and takes me to the nicest places and spares no expense. I've never been treated so well...like he treasures me."

Check your PM.

[JVS]

37. Maybe he is resisting temptation

[amitten]

39. Yeah...but why? He's not a religious guy.

Although he does seem to have a thing about self-control (concerning diet/sweets, etc).

[Dorian Gray]

40. Perhaps

he thinks he's being respectful? Maybe it's a good thing?

[zabet]

44. 2 cents...

Since he keeps coming back, I would
say his 'issue' is not with you. It
is more than likely personal conflict
or physical problems. He may just be
guarded in the physical sense, maybe
the physical act 'seals the deal' for
him and maybe he has been dumped before
after the physical part and therefore,
very hesitant and conflicted about 'sealing
the deal' until it is a sure thing. He may
like you SO much that the thought of it being
over after stepping into the physical stage
of the relationship may terrify him.
The only way you will ever know for sure
is to be open and honest about your feelings.
Ask him about his. TALK TO HIM, don't sit
around and tear yourself apart speculating.

[amitten]

49. Yes, I thought of this too.

I think it's possible he has had some emotional trauma in the past. Or, he is conflicted about his sexuality. But again, the confusing part is that he keeps coming back to me, in such sweet way all the time.

[MissMillie]

45. I would find that refreshing

a man who wants to wait a while.... I asked Santa for one.

[MorningGlow]

47. Another possibility...

This one happened to me--the guy had a real problem with women who were (in his estimation) "too aggressive". As in, women who were comfortable with sex at ALL. He actually preferred his women reluctant, with him in the persuading/begging role. (From what I could gather, his previous girlfriend had been abused or something and had to be gently persuaded to have sex, which apparently he just loved.)

In every other way, this guy was fantastic--kind, funny, sensitive, thoughtful. Even so, we didn't last too long.

Could that be an option with this guy of yours?

[amitten]

50. Thanks for your response.

No, he seems to like that I enjoy my sexuality. But, if I get too assertive, he does seem to turn off a little.

But it's not extreme at all. I just really more get the feeling that he doesn't find me super attractive physically (body, not face). He told me once that he thinks I'm "very beautifl". But that was a long time ago.

[MorningGlow]

55. That's what I thought too

I thought he liked me just the way I was. It took a couple of months before he was more open about not liking it when I was "aggressive".

In any case, I agree with the other posts on this thread--it is NOT you, so don't worry about your attractiveness. It's still there--ya still got it--it's just his problem if he can't appreciate it enough to find you irresistible! :P

Another thought...is he hung up on someone else--an ex? That's a long shot, but it could be affecting his...enthusiasm. And again, it would be no reflection on you at all.

[amitten]

56. I don't know anything about an ex.

In fact, we have never discussed past loves. He has never even asked if I see other men or not...and has never offered such information about himself (though I think I'm the only one).

[MorningGlow]

62. Hmmm...

My advice: More talking, at least for now. Definitely find out more about this guy--what makes him tick. You'll get your answers! Good luck! :hi: :hug:

[LanternWaste]

48. He may actually be one of the last...

He may actually be one of the last thirty or so remaining Gentlemen in the world.

It's been years since I've made any advances on my dates-- these days, I usually take my cue from the girl-- but since I'm not good at picking up cues, it's usually later rather than sooner before we begin to explore the more... amorous side of our dates.

My last date got pretty frustrated with me as you are with yours. She actually came out and asked me if I thought she was sexy and if so, why hadn't I done anything (needless to say, that particular cue I did pick on).

[billyskank]

51. Relationships are not worth the inevitable pain.

[hippywife]

90. Hang in there, sweetie.

Don't be so glum about the future. You're very cute and seem very sweet and sensitive. Someone's gonna scoop you up and sweep you off your feet one of these days. :hug:

[crim son]

52. I dated a guy like that for a while. I finally broke up with him because

I felt so odd about his limited interest. What's funny is that he tried to get back together a couple weeks later... apparently he liked me. He's now happily married with four kids so I never did figure out what was going on with us.

[Fire Walk With Me]

53. Work on not internalizing others' attitudes.

You deserve someone who can be as free with you as you are with them. Have compassion, but you don't have to solve this man's hangups.

:hug:

[Inchworm]

57. Maybe he respects you

could be a number of things. It is easy to take guesses. Depending on your mood, caffine level, and horniness the guesses will differ.

If sex is important to you, bring it up. He may tell you .. "I umm dint.. wanna move.. too fast." Then you will giggle and have swinging from the ceiling fan cowboy sex tat blows your mind.

You just never know guessing. I bet you are as beautiful as ever. Soo.. are the kisses juicy sweet? :evilgrin:

:hug:

[amitten]

58. Yes, the kisses are very very nice.

He is a great, sensual kisser and put those moves on me by our second date. He even let his hand "slip" down, accidentally you know, toward the butt...I thought, oh yeah he digs me...

Little did I know what strangeness was in store... :cry:

[Inchworm]

59. Maybe he is not into "casual" sex

Give him time if you feel sparks. I mean if that is what you want to do. You can always just put that lure of a body back on the market. It all depends on what ya wanna do. You do not have to settle either way.

I'm just learning this stuff. I do watch people though. We are a weird species :D

:hug:

[AlCzervik]

60. 10 dates is how long a span, a month, 2 months?

if he wasn't into you than i doubt he's ask you out again but he has so maybe he wants to get to know you better, maybe you're the one you know?

[amitten]

63. Almost 2 months.

He does claim that he likes me a lot, and that he rarely finds a woman he likes so much...

:shrug:

So why cut the makeout sessions short...? Hell, I'm used to having guys that "like" me try just about everything they can...although that can be sort of bad, too.

[AlCzervik]

66. ok well i haven't been on the dating scene in a very long time but i remember

having boyfriends that were all hands and some that weren't but when i met the man i ended up marrying things went slow, and with him everything was different. I say see what happens and don't take his wanting to wait as some kind of sign that aren't attractive to him.

[amitten]

69. Thank you.

I just hope I'm not being stupid, waiting for a guy that maybe isn't really into me.

But he treats me soooo well!

[Bucky]

61. One possibility no one has mentioned so far...

It could be he's an alien observing our species. Perhaps our primative ways are stirring up emotions in him that the people of his planet had long ago convinced themselves they'd outgrown. I watch a lot of movies and I can tell you this sort of problem is a lot more common than you'd think.

You should totally report him to Homeland Security.



(PS, on the off-chance that my brilliant deduction is wrong, it just sounds like the guy has some impediment he's not telling you about. Tough as it is, there comes a certain point in a mature relationship where, if you don't tell the other person what's up, you're choosing to deceive them. I think you should seriously manage your expectations until he's mensch enough to tell you what the deal is.)

[amitten]

64. ALIENS! OMG!111!!!1 Why didn't I see it SOONER!?!?

Very funny!

But yeah, I'm playing the waiting game until this guy verbalizes more. He's too sweet and likeable and attractive for me to just write him off.

[redqueen]

65. That's bizarre... he wants to keep going out with you, but you feel ugly?

That doesn't make any sense to me.

If he was fucking you but not calling or wanting to take you out, I'd think you'd be right to be upset.

But this? This just sounds nice. I'd enjoy the slow build up and not take his more relaxed approach as an insult.

:shrug:

[amitten]

68. I guess so.

But it is disheartening during physical contact to have a guy seem, well, less than impressed.

Especially since most guys think I'm a pretty hot ticket (that's not ego, just the truth).

With this guy, it really feels like he's just not compelled to go very far with me. But it's hard to tell...he's very uncommunicative while we're intimate. And he doesn't seem to be "into" looking at my body at all...just my face (btw I am in very good physical condition).

I guess in general you're right...it is nice to be treated so well without sexual pressure. But I guess it's hard for me to tell if he's "going slow" or "never going", y'know?

Thanks for your input...you're sweet.

[redqueen]

71. Well from what you've said upthread...

he does get excited, so I don't think there's any reason for you to think he's not impressed. He's just holding back for whatever reason. Whatever his reason is, I hope you two can work things out. I'm feeling soooooooooo frickin lonely right now, and to me, what you have sounds wonderful. To know that he's not just wanting sex, I mean.

Good luck. :hug:

[amitten]

73. Well, knowing you, you won't be lonely for long!

I've seen your pictures and you're very pretty. Also, you're funny and smart and few guys can resisit that combo!

:hi:

I was lonely for many years before I met this guy. You will surely not have to wait that long! :hug:

[Snarkturian Clone]

67. I was like that with my wife when we first started dating.

Some people just move a lot slower than others when it comes to such things. It's possible that he's really digging making out with you right now and does not want to move on until the making out is not enough for him.

[amitten]

70. Really? That's reassuring.

How long did you wait until getting into the heavier stuff? Just curious...

[Snarkturian Clone]

72. Probably about 6 or 8 months.

But you have to realize that it took about 3 months for us to get to the make out stage- and that after we knew each other for about 14 months. I think we were both trying to stretch out the beginning of the relationship for as long as we could.

Your man probably likes you a whole lot and wants to enjoy the beginnings of the relationship (the best part) instead of just sticking you and calling it a day.

[amitten]

74. Wow...that's impressive. And ideal, actually.

I wish I could wrap my head around the fact that maybe he just really likes me a lot, like he says, and isn't secretly impotent or gay or ashamed or something.

[NNadir]

104. Me too.

I knew my wife for more than two years before I kissed her. That wasn't necessarily my idea but we were very definitely good friends before we were lovers.

I lived with her for about three weeks before we "did it."

After we'd been married for years, my wife told me that there was one time early in our friendship that she really wanted to sleep with me, but that she was really glad that she didn't suggest it, because we had time to build our relationship into what it became. She felt - and I have to agree - that our relationship would have become too casual and that we wouldn't have come to treasure each other as we do.

I was, on some level, impatient to become her lover, but I was also afraid to push it too far, too fast, because there were a lot of reasons - some having to do with her and not with me - to be tentative. Frankly though, the years of seduction are some of my happiest memories. I was over thirty when I married, and I'd slept with lots of women, but I never had a lover quite like my wife. I suspect that some of that, as much as anything, had to do with timing.

In love, timing matters.

[amitten]

111. Thanks for your post.

It's not so much the time passed that worries me...it's more the lack of apparent arousal (sporadic and never, apparently, very overwhelming). :shrug:

[MilesColtrane]

75. Have you considered the possibility that he is a virgin?

Also, some adult victims of child abuse have a very hard time with physical intimacy. (and emotional intimacy, for that matter)
He could have been abused.

If you really like him, don't rush him. Get him to talk about his childhood, and family. Be sympathetic and patient.

Good luck.

[amitten]

76. Actually, that is very unlikely. However, the abuse thing has

crossed my mind quite a few times.

The two "gut" instincts I get the most are 1) he's confused about sexual identity and 2) he has suffered some trauma somewhere along the way.

Interesting you bring that up. Hopefully, someday we'll be close enough to actually talk about such things...

[hisownpetard]

78. What strikes me, after reading all your posts, is how focused you seem to be on the superficial.

You mention numerous times that you're usually thought of as attractive, but you feel
unattractive, and don't know if he's attracted to you although he continues to want to see you, etc.

You mention that he treats you well and spares no expense.

You never once mention how YOU feel about HIM. Do you like him/love him? Is he a good person?
Do you have the same values? In fact, you say that you've never really discussed anything personal
with him at all. So (after 10 dates), what do you know about each other?

Do you see this situation as a challenge, since you're apparently disappointed that you can't get this guy worked up
enough to go further, sexually? Is it more about giving your ego a boost - or do you care about him on
any level at all?

I think you should consider these questions and answer them honestly, to yourself, before you continue to see him.
He may be seriously in like or love with you. And you wouldn't want to hurt the guy, if that's the case. Right?

[amitten]

79. I do like him very much. And we have had a few "values"

discussions, and see eye to eye on most politics and more or less on religion.

I don't see this as a challenge. He seems to be a good person but he never gets into any "personal" conversations with me...maybe he's not that interested in my inner world. Or maybe he's afraid that if either of us know too much too soon, it will cut the relationship short.

All I know is that I've never had a man react to me in this manner...so I am confused. If I didn't like him so well and want things to work, none of this would even matter.

[hippywife]

86. Well, what do you guys talk about?

And do you have fun when you are out together and not alone in an intimate situation?

[amitten]

87. Just mostly superficial stuff.

Unfortunately. I don't get the feeling he's really wanting more yet...maybe that's why the physical stuff is so slow.

[hippywife]

88. Do you know anyone else who knows him?

Is there a possibility that he's either married or separated? If he's either, maybe he's working on reconciliation in the other relationship and doesn't feel he's cheating if he doesn't sleep with someone else? I dunno.

If this isn't the case, then maybe you could just have an honest talk without bringing the sexual aspect into it yet or how that makes you feel. Maybe try telling him that you enjoy being with him but you feel like you aren't getting to know each other very well since conversation very rarely goes very much below the surface. Or probably an easier way to see what's on his mind is to maybe bring up a relationship issue a friend, relative, or co-worker is experiencing in casual conversation and see what his opinions are, if he expresses any.

[hisownpetard]

92. self-delete/dupe

[hisownpetard]

93. Well, since you've already gone on 10 dates with him and you still like him, how about

saying something to him like, "So, what things are you passionate about?"
That could take you into all sorts of interesting conversations and could reveal a lot
about what his dreams and interests are, without feeling like an interrogation on your part.

Think that might work, to get the ball rolling?

In any event, I'm sure he finds you attractive or he wouldn't still be interested in seeing you.
Sounds like maybe he just has some sort of hang-up which you won't learn about until you bring
the conversation around to more meaningful levels.:hi:


Edit:typo

[Manifestor_of_Light]

80. It's not your problem, amitten.

I've known a guy or two who just didn't get that excited, that were allegedly straight.
I thought they were strange. There's being afraid of a new relationship, and there's stuff that has nothing to do with you.


A friend of mine who has been a divorce and family lawyer for many years says that when she sees a man who does not have a strong sex drive, she figures they are possibly gay or bi. Something strange is up. But that's just her opinion.


Whatever it is, it's not YOUR problem. You're still attractive.

[amitten]

83. He does have a "drive". It's just on-again-off-again and he

doesn't seem to want to go too far, even after a couple of months.

I am hoping against hope he's not gay...that's the one thing I could never change or "work on" with him...

[NMDemDist2]

81. I dated a guy like that once

and I'm not saying this situation is the same but it turned out the guy was addicted to porn and reality didn't live up to his fantasy/porn life. He had learned a certain 'style' solo and it just didn't transfer in reality.

again, not saying this is the same, but did want to share my experience. It was extremely disconcerting.

However if he's above 40 years old, I'd think it was more an ED issue.

[amitten]

85. Eww...sorry about that one!

It could be a possiblity. This guy is online a lot...

Well, porn-y is something I'm not (not blonde, small boobs...) :P

[ThomCat]

82. Please don't judge yourself based on his actions.

He almost certainly has reasons for pulling back, but it's probably not you. It is probalby his own insecurities.

:hug:

[amitten]

84. I hope so.

He did indicate on one of our dates that he feels he's not that great looking.

But he is to me!

[Phillycat]

89. You're getting a vibe, and they are rarely wrong...

I appreciate the people on this thread who are saying maybe the guy is just shy, a romantic, etc etc. But you have a vibe that something is wrong, and in my experience, those sorts of vibes are almost never wrong.

(I dated a gay guy for a year many years ago. It was awful.)

[amitten]

91. Nooo..........

:cry:

[Sadie4629]

94. OK, this is important

It is possible that he has a personality disorder--either avoidant or schizoid. Do a google search. The schizoid P.D. is a total loner. The avoidant just doesn't want to do anything outside of his comfort zone. In either case, it is not a happy situation.

I spent years wondering what was wrong with ME before a counselor diagnosed my husband. If your new friend has a P.D., my advice is to RUN as fast and as far as you can.

[amitten]

100. Thankfully, these problems don't seem to be the case.

But thanks for the input.

[GirlinContempt]

101. Diagnosing someone with a personality disorder via google

doesn't sound like the best idea somehow

[amitten]

106. Sans Google, I know him well enough to know he doesn't have

a personality disorder.

We've been in many different social situations, and he interacts completely normally. He has a wide circle of friends and a normal social life...

And the only thing strange about him is this "You are a princess and I adore your company but I don't want to get very physical" stuff.

[GirlinContempt]

124. Yeah

I hear ya. Mine was more a general point, it's probably a bad idea to diagnose ANYTHING via google ;)

[WritingIsMyReligion]

95. I can understand his behavior.

Some people go slowly, I would say. I would probably be one of those people. Enjoy the making out for sure--you do have a hand to take it all the way if necessary. Just keep an eye out for behavior that turns from cautious to sketchy.

[amitten]

96. Thanks....

I'm not sure what you mean by sketchy, but I'll be on guard! :-)

[madeline_con]

97. Could he be old fashioned?

:shrug:

[amitten]

98. Yes, he is pretty "old-fashioned" when it comes to the dating

routine.

But I'm not sure it explains his apparent lack of attraction at times.

[madeline_con]

99. Maybe once bitten, twice shy? Wants to take it slow. n/t

[GirlinContempt]

102. Well, I've learned something in this thread.

If I date a guy and he doesn't want to stick it in, he's probably a virginal avoidant schizoid herpes ridden closet homosexual with a history of sexual abuse and a porn addiction.

[ghostsofgiants]

103. And you didn't even need to use Google to figure it out!

[amitten]

105. Yeah.

Not so much, but...

After two months, it kinda makes me feel maybe he just doesn't feel that attracted.

[gmoney]

107. you forgot bisexual alien gentleman... (eom)

[amitten]

108. Thanks for your attention to detail....

:rofl:

[GirlinContempt]

120. My bad!

[JVS]

109. unless you're just ugly

;-)

[amitten]

110. Not the problem.

And no, I don't have a pic.

But I do have a good body and a nice face. Or so I've always been told.

[Inchworm]

112. You forgot he may respect you

or not be into casual sex.

:hi:

[JVS]

115. not into casual sex?

NO WAY!!!!111!111!
obviously his penis has been damaged by the alien abduction

[GirlinContempt]

121. Not possible

;)

[Midlodemocrat]

113. .

:rofl:

[GirlinContempt]

122. Oh yeah, I left out erectile dysfunction

;)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

116. pure brilliance.

[GirlinContempt]

123. The internet has much to teach you

:D

[LeftyFingerPop]

114. Believe it or not...

there are some men who don't feel the need to penetrate a woman as soon as he feels she will "let him".

Sex is a very individual thing...even for MEN.

Some people like it soon, some people like to wait a bit. Either way is understandable and fine with me.

Maybe you should take him at his word when he says he wants to take things slow. There's nothing wrong with that, just as there is nothing wrong with "taking things fast" if you both desire.

To be honest, I think it is kind of strange that you need to elicit responses from a message board of people who can only guess what may be "wrong" with the guy.

Since you asked, I will tell you my opinion. Sit him down, look him in the eye, and tell him your concern. If you like him, respect his answer. If you think he is being untruthful, then the whole thing was not worth worrying about in the first place.

[Ptah]

117. Perhaps he has diabetes, and his blood pressure is not adequate

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

118. Memo to all women:

You may think sex is the end-all, be-all in terms of your value and attractiveness, but that is simply NOT TRUE.

Getting laid does NOT mean you are attractive. Some guys will have sex with anything that moves.

Conversely, not getting laid does NOT mean you are unattractive. Simply put, sex =/= attractiveness. In fact, sex has no correlation to value of any kind.

Quite the opposite - this guy is making an actual investment in you. He is obviously NOT in your relationship just for sex, but rather because he values you as a person. If not having sex with you makes you feel ugly, then I'm guessing you have some serious body image issues and should probably seek counseling.

[amitten]

125. Please read post #16 upthread.

And there's more where that came from...that I won't go into unless you PM me.

At any rate, in my 20+ years of dating, this guy behaves VERY differently than anyone else I've encountered. I'm not talking about the waiting for sex...I'm talking about physical response to me. There is a certain norm for most men (almost without exception...sorry, but it's true) as far as how they act physically to certain stimulus from a woman.

For instance, most men don't recoil if you kiss their neck (yes, he did that last time). And no, he wasn't being ticklish.

So I have good reason for my worries, based on many years of previous make-out experience with both flings AND serious men who were in love with me.

[porphyrian]

119. Don't bathe or brush your hair for a month.

Then get cleaned up and see how good you look.