How do you mark the day your loved ones died?

[YellowRubberDuckie]

I know this sounds like a really weird question, but I want to start doing something special every year on the anniversary of my sister and nephew's deaths. December 19th, 2000, my sister, who was 8 months pregnant at the time, was killed in a car accident. It was violent and fiery, and my life has not been the same since. I never got to meet the little guy who used to kick at my hand when I'd talk to my sister's belly. I'd laugh, and he'd start rolling around. He was going to be my best friend, second only to my sister. But it never happened. TJ never made it into the world, and Bobbi, my sister, never got to be the incredible mother I knew she would have been.
How would you mark this day this year? I want to do something special, but I'm not really sure what, and you guys always have really good ideas. Thanks in advance.
Duckie

[TZ]

1. My family follows Jewish tradition...

We light a yarzheit (sp?) candle in memory on the day of death. I think that lighting a candle is a nice tradition myself....Its easy but meaningful, IMO....

[porphyrian]

2. I don't.

Instead, I remember them during my life - how much they would have loved this or hated that or what they would've said. Their death was only a single moment of who they were, and certainly nothing to celebrate (not that you were suggesting celebration).

[YellowRubberDuckie]

4. I do remember them...EVERY DAY...

But something special, I guess to mark that I haven't forgotten...
Duckie

[porphyrian]

6. I guess I just don't need that.

At my last friend's funeral, for example, I spent the whole time thinking about what a load of crap she would've thought the whole thing was and how she probably would've had a Budweiser open if she had had to watch it. That thought itself was more special than the entire ceremony because it was personal, true and because she was kind of an attention hog, but in a cute way. And I still remember that memory, which makes me think about her again, and that's about as special as she would expect (though she'd likely demand more).

What I think I'm saying is that the memory is itself the ceremony for me.

[SPKrazy]

3. I'd do something that either she would have liked

or you both would have liked

or something in memoriam for her...

:hug: :hug:

sorry YRD

honor her memory as you think it would make her smile.

[Whoa_Nelly]

5. Start a scrapbook

and each year, (and maybe other family holidays and celebrations), photos, or quips, or remembrances by others who also miss her and little TJ.
Maybe start this on this anniversary, and invite family and friends over for an open house, or just a get-together, and ask them, if they want to, bring something to add to the album, or ask them to write in it.

Sort of a book of remembrances for those who will never forget her and her little one.
Grief is always shared, no matter how alone we seem in the moment of it. :hug:





Other ideas found here at this site:
http://dying.about.com/od/rememberingthedead/ht/remembering.htm

[Swede]

7. Heartbreaking story Y.

I'm gonna appreciate my nephews and nieces a little more. Maybe write something to your nephew,a poem or letter?

[Blue Diadem]

8. Duckie,

:hug: I'm so sorry about Bobbi and TJ.

Since it's so close to Christmas, and if you celebrate Christmas, maybe you could choose either some place to donate in their name or find an angel tree and pick a name to buy a gift for in their memory.

I've been thinking about doing that in my Sister's memory. She died the day after her 39th birthday, Dec. 15th, 1992. She had Downs and was like a 2 yr old. She loved "toy" and "Merry Chrifma" and "Happy booday". I couldn't step foot in a toy store after she died, it took having my first grandchild before I could do that again.

[CBHagman]

9. I'm so sorry.

First of all, I was so saddened to hear what you'd been through, and I can empathize with wanting to do something special to acknowledge your sister and nephew. There are times when I'm in some special place and/or at a special event, and I imagine someone I'd like to be there as well. In a sense, they are there.

The suggestion about doing something your sister would have liked is a good one. Or if you feel comfortable with it, you could do something for a children's hospital (or any other group you feel is doing good work).

You could also play a piece of music, and/or get together with someone who remembers your sister.

I hope you find something that suits you best.

[DainBramaged]

10. Start a charitable fund or trust in their names

Work and I mean WORK to build it, and when the time is right, no matter how small you think the amount is, give of the fund to someone deserving of it's reward. Could be a hero, a special child. Someone who shares your similar pain. Help another to help you keep the memories alive.



Treat it as a living being and their memories will live forever. Let EVERYONE remember with you what wonderful people they are, not were.


God speed go with you.

DB

[LibertyLover]

11. It's a bit silly, but I eat some ice cream

My mom loved ice cream. So every February 13th, I have ice cream. She loved ice creams with nuts, so I try to have some pecan or raspberry, another favorite. I miss her. She never got to meet her only grandchild. Although it has been almost 8 years, I still miss her. I am truly sorry to hear about your sister and nephew. I hope that some of the suggestions here may help.

[zingaro]

12. Seriously

I think if I wanted a lasting memory, I'd plant something.

And in this case, it'd probably be something flowering and lovely, like a rose bush.

I like the idea of a charity but I don't know if your life circumstances allow that. The story is so heartbreaking, btw. :hug: But I really like a formal marking of the date.

[Lil Missy]

13. I have a memorial on my living room wall, so I can grieve on my own time.

And frankly, I hate going to his grave. It just makes me feel sick to be standing over dead bones, and I prefer to remember times when he was alive.

And I am so sorry for your loss too.:hug:

[puerco-bellies]

14. In the Southwest many celebrate Dia De Los Muetos.

It has it's origins in Indian traditions. On November 31, we set up a little alter (small table top) and place pictures of those we wish to visit with.
In front of the pictures we light candles, burn sage to keep unwanted guests away, and burn sweetgrass to call the ones you love. Place items that our loved ones liked in life so that they can enjoy the smell of their favorite beverage, or food, what ever. Think of them in a good way, and you get to spend a little time with the spirit of the person you love, and that day they can be with you before returning to the other side.

It is hard to lose those you love, but love, and the beings that you love can never truly die. They are in another place. Somewhere we all go to in the end.

[grace0418]

15. Odd you should post this, because the 13th is the anniversary of my dad's death.

Odder still (and sad, I suppose) that I didn't even remember that until my mom mentioned it on the phone yesterday. So I guess I wasn't really planning on marking it, to be honest, but I imagine I'll think of him at some point in the day. It seems like the longer my mom refuses to let go (it's been 8 years now) and the more often she declares how perfect a husband and father he was (he wasn't, not even close), the less interested I am in indulging that fantasy.

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister though. I haven't had to live through that pain yet. Although I am the youngest of eleven so I know that day is probably not too far off. :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

16. I think it's beautiful that you want to honor their memory...

What about making an annual pilgrimage to the children's ward of the local hospital, to read stories or play games with the kids?

:hug::hug::hug:
Wish I could give you real ones...

[sandnsea]

17. I volunteered on Mother's Day

to help kids at the homeless shelter make gifts for their mothers, in honor of the mother I never got to make gifts for. She died when I was 1. I did it several times and it really did help heal. I know now the best way to honor a lost loved one is to live every day to its fullest, the way they would have wanted.

[Breeze54]

18. I don't.

[Perseid]

19. In twelve minutes

it would have been my brother's birthday had he lived. He didn't. I hope you can find some marker or reason for celebration. I can't yet.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

20. I light candles and have an altar with their pictures on them.

I light a candle for yahrzeit, and look at their picture. And remember the good stuff.

My big sister died of brain cancer in 1990. She was a beautiful young woman. I don't think I'll go to hell because I have been through hell on earth, which was watching her go downhill and die. It destroyed my parents and me. My parents are gone now.

I went to Compassionate Friends. It is for people who have lost a child, thru any reason, but they also have a sibling group. The sibling group ranged in age from little kids to me in my 40s.

It helped me to be in either group, with the parents or the siblings. Some people wore buttons with their child's picture on it. Talking about the person you lost in a group, without being judged, was more healing to me than anything else I could do.

Compassionate Friends had a fridge magnet that I thought was useful, "It is better to speak ill of the dead than not to speak of them at all."

I'm the older generation now, and I have lost so many relatives & friends that the only close relative left is my one child. My sister did not have any children.

Now as far as your sister and your unborn nephew, I don't know what you can do. That is horrendous.


But I hope you can find something to do to help you heal.

:hug: :grouphug:

[MagsDem]

21. I'd pick something she loved doing

.....And share doing it with other loved ones that knew her. I'd also donate some money in her and her son's name to an appropriate charity so that their names would live on for all the good they would have done in the world had they lived. The pain never really goes entirely away, does it? And holidays can be so difficult when they are minus the people we love. My thoughts are with you.

[xchrom]

22. i lost my partner -- oh many years now -- i find it

difficult to think about -- he was jewish so i do a candle.

peace be with in remembering your sister.

[Highway61]

23. First and foremost I am so sorry

I lost my daughter 2 days before Thanksgiving a few years ago. The holidays suck for me. I throw flowers in the area of the ocean in Maine where I scattered her ashes.
It's her birthday that I remember more. I burned a CD of her very favorite music and play it as well as light a candle in a garden I planted for her. I write a note of my deepest thoughts and tie it to a balloon and let it sail off to the sky. (not ecologically cool, but it helps).

[1gobluedem]

24. I dedicate a song

A very close childhood friend was kidnapped and presumably murdered 17 years ago. On the anniversary of her disappearance, May 24, I always ask one of our music hosts to play a jazz version of "Just A Closer Walk With Thee" for her (I work at a radio station).

If your public radio station does day sponsorships you might consider that. We have a lot of listeners who honor their loved ones who have died with a day sponsor message.