Last night the guy I've been seeing for 9 months

[blue cat]

told me that he never felt it when we met, and that he thought that some feelings would grow but they never did. Any words of wisdom?

[LeftyFingerPop]

1. What are your feelings? n/t

[DarkTirade]

2. My only question is...

what the hell took him so long to come out in the open about it? :\

I'm sorry, but that's just kinda WTF. I did that once, where I tried to give it a chance when I wasn't feeling it. It took me less than a month to realize it just wasn't going to happen, and we ended up being very good friends afterwards. And the only reason it took me that long was because I worked the night shift so we only got to hang out every now and then.

[blue cat]

10. it was probably

the sex.

[DarkTirade]

17. Ah. That explains it.

So there was at least some kind of attraction, just not a real relationship type attraction. Go figure. :\

I'd apologize on behalf of my gender... except that I don't want to admit any kind of kinship with a guy like that.

[blue cat]

3. devastated

at least he was honest. Wish I would have clues in sooner.

[LeftyFingerPop]

8. It is a terrible thing to be told...

and I am sorry. Yes, he was "honest", but perhaps he should have been honest a little sooner. I have no words of wisdom, except to remind you that this sort of thing happens often, and you should resist any temptation to blame yourself for his feelings. Best of luck to you.

[jpgray]

4. Lack of trust/communication skills on his part, methinks. But I don't know your situation

Either way, probably time to move on?

[blue cat]

5. yes, time to move on

but i feel horrible about it. silly question...but do you think that in the future he might change his mind?

[pitohui]

7. who cares if he does change his mind in future?

this dude is not a keeper, that's for sure

if the chemistry ain't there, you can't fake it, and you already know that this guy is a great liar who can pretend to fake it for months on end

run, blue cat, run, you deserve so much better than a known and admitted deceiver

[LibraLiz1973]

26. Who gives a shit if he changes his mind?

Don't adopt a victim mentality.
He's a jerk who should REALLY have said this to you way before now.
In all likelihood he is counting on you sticking around trying to
make things ok so that he has a "back up". He purposely made you feel like shit.
What kind of man does that?


R U N

[blue cat]

45. my sister loved your response

sounds like the advise she has been giving me all along. she says that my self esteem is too low so that is why i took that shit for so long - the not wanting to commit.

[LibraLiz1973]

46. Your sister is 100% right

I'm telling you- he does NOT deserve you!!

[pitohui]

6. "gee, thanks for sharing"

i understand if the guy wants to break up, sometimes something isn't meant to be, what i don't understand is why he has to trash you so unnecessarily in this process

be glad it's over, you're better off in the long run, dude sounds like a real ass

and for you people out there who feel a need to "explain" why you're dumping someone, what's wrong with just shutting the fuck up? even the corny "it isn't you, it's me" is better than telling someone that the more they get to know them, the more they don't feel anything for them -- ick!!!

there is no need for an "exit interview" in relationships, just make up a kind little white lie and move on if it ain't working for you

[blue cat]

9. i demanded an explanation

he said he wanted to date other people, i asked him why.

[raccoon]

12. I'm guessing he found some other woman he feels more chemistry for.

I don't mean to offend you or hurt your feelings, but that's just my guess.

Sorry this happened to you. Dump this dude and don't look back.

[hisownpetard]

41. I agree. I think he was hanging around until he found some other possibility. Otherwise,

why would he break up with you, just before the holidays? What a rotten thing to do.

Good riddance. He hasn't been honest because it didn't suit his purpose.

Better to cut your losses and move on. Just tell yourself that, next year at this time, you'll be with someone who
appreciates you for who you are - and believe it. It'll happen!

[pitohui]

13. well he could have still phrased it a LOT more tactfully

he had to know you would be hurt by this "explanation"

there are other fish in the sea, i say cut communications with this guy for a time until your own feelings are better settled

[LibraLiz1973]

27. a real man would have found a way to NOT say shit that hurt your

feelings

[Flaxbee]

34. yes - absolutely

anyone with any kindness in their hearts, or sense in their heads, would have phrased it differently. Asshole made it sound like it was your fault, that you were deficient in some way. If he'd been a gentleman, he'd have said something, anything else. A person can be honest without being so explicit, and it sounds to me like he was trying to be a bit of a shit about it, too.

[raccoon]

52. What you said made me think of this jerk I was seeing ages ago.

About the time we broke up, he said, "I never did feel really comfortable around you."

Thank goodness for once I was able to think on my feet, and I said, "That is YOUR problem, not mine." The asshole backed down when he saw I wasn't going to buy into that crap.

[NewJeffCT]

11. Sorry to hear about that

My advice might be to start dating again ASAP - even if it's just for coffee/tea or a casual lunch.

I've often found just meeting new people helps me deal with these sorts of situations, as I need to concentrate on the new person instead of dwelling on what just happened with somebody else.

[Whoa_Nelly]

14. Sounds like he may be being dishonest with you

After nine months to come out and say that would sure throw up a red flag for me. I would wonder if he were saying that out of convenience so he he can be with someone else.

Did you ever have a clue that things were like this with him? Have there been any red flags of warning, or alarm bells going off with you in regard to this guy?

Am sorry you are having to go through something as inane (on his part) like this. That has got to sting.

Best advice: Ditch him now, and start working through your feelings about him without him.
Better to move along and get over the sting and/or any emotional upheaval for yourself without including him in it.

He's already shown his colors as a jerk by taking nine months to be honest (or to callously just ditch you), so including him in sorting this out is not worth any input you think he may have.
Even if you have questions for him about it all, he already answered them all in one fell swoop.

Hang in there. Damn this sucks :hug:

[blue cat]

15. sure i had clues

he didn't want to commit, but i thought he would in time.

[Whoa_Nelly]

16. Then you've learned something valuable for yourself

It takes time and practice to recognize red flags.
And, since you had clues he didn't want to commit, you may now be able to recognize that when/if it happens again in a relationship for you.

Know this: No matter what we hope to change or have happen over time in a relationship usually won't change or ever happen.
By being honest with yourself and recognizing that, it can keep you from getting involved to the point of a painful break up that was months or years in the making.

Many :hug: :hug: :hug: for you, blue cat.
Have been there and can sympathize with what you're going through. :hug:

[blue cat]

18. thanks

you don't realize how good it feels to have you all here for me when i need it the most.

[LibraLiz1973]

28. Learn a lesson from this then

YOU can NEVER change SOMEONE ELSE!!
No one can.

If it's right, it's right.
You would never have to wait and accept less
if it was the right relationship.


Move on and move up! Consider yourself lucky at this point
for getting away before it was years of this bullshit.

[blue cat]

19. i think he liked having me around

until he found someone else.

[Whoa_Nelly]

20. Then he was disingenuous to begin with

:(

[redqueen]

21. My only advice would be: learn from this.

I'm guessing you had a feeling this might have been the case a while back. Am I right?

If I am, then next time, listen to your intuition, and don't waste your time.

If I'm wrong, ignore me. :P

[blue cat]

22. no, my intuition was out to lunch

i was delusional that it would work out.

[redqueen]

23. Well don't beat yourself up over it...

hopefully this experience will give you more insight next time.

Good luck... :pals:

[LibraLiz1973]

30. I think almost everyone has been there

Now you have a chance to move on.
Do it and don't look back- you wont regret it!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

24. dont see him again. dont waste your time which is far more valuable than anyone elses time nt

[sazemisery]

25. There is someone better out there just waiting..

and neither of you know it yet.

[blue cat]

29. thanks

you made me tear up.

[ThomCat]

31. I don't understand why people have relationships they don't

really feel good about. What's the point? :(

If he didn't think there was a spark there it would have been nice to be honest about it. A friendship could have developed that might have been far more meaningful.

I'm sorry. You deserve better. I hope you can find someone more honest who feels more and adores you. :)

[datasuspect]

32. say "bye bye"

the next thing he will tell you is that he is seeing someone else. he is trying to assuage his own guilt in this setup.

[zingaro]

35. Yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking.

In that order too. The "adios, dude" thing AND the other person/guilt thing. Precursory wound salving, right, to ease "the pain" later?

[datasuspect]

38. 10 roger on that

he ain't that smooth

[Phillycat]

33. Try getting that after three years.

Just after you get back from a trip to Europe together. Everything fine, not so much as an argument, three years into the relationship, he just comes over one day and says he can't do it.

It nearly broke me the fuck in half.

However, here's your consolation. When I was engaged to my now-husband, that fuckhead from before emailed me and said he made the "biggest mistake of his life" and would I take him back? I had the pleasure of telling him, very politely, to never, ever contact me again.

Don't make the mistake of getting back together with him. You will regret it, I promise.

[zingaro]

36. My words of wisdom are these:

There will be a day when you look back on this event and think: "WHEW!" Maybe not next week or even next month, but the day WILL come.

Until then, be good to yourself, OK?

[Highway61]

37. I am so sorry

Been there, in fact I bet most of us here have been there. Get busy! Put this behind you asap. The sooner you get back on track the quicker you will heal. Don't let this damage your self esteem. I promise you this...the day I moved forward and started caring about MYSELF is the period of time I found the right guy. Never expected it and never saw it coming. Learn from this...if it isn't there it isn't there but when it is...you BOTH will feel it. Good luck sweetie :hug:

[PeaceNikki]

39. I highly recommend this book. It's funny and encouraging and honest

http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/068987474X

A friend recommended it to me after I let a guy play games with me for a long time. It's a nice, quick little read as well as a great chance for self-evaluation. You deserve a guy that is "into you".

:hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

40. Be kind and gentle with yourself...

He probably went along with it because he enjoyed being loved. It's hard to blame a person for that; and you're right...he at least had the guts to tell you. It would've been nice if he'd thought about it sooner, though. You deserve someone who will love you back; and when you find him, you will feel relieved that this fellow broke things off.

Take the time to do things you've always wanted to do. Travel. Take in a show. Meet up with old friends, and make some new ones. It's a time for change and growth; and you need to surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive of you.

Maybe go on a retreat, and spend some quality time with your soul.

I'm so sorry for the hurt that you feel now. :hug::hug::hug:

[Taverner]

42. Ahhh the "It's not you it's me" defense

Wisdom? You're better off without someone who resorts to canned breakup lines.

[Bucky]

43. GoddessOfGuinness took all the good advice. But everyone's been there.

Well, everyone but Brad Pitt, that is. That said, I know it sucks with a capital X. Just come to know it's his loss.

[blue cat]

44. don't know what is wrong with me

but i was feeling terribly heartbroken this am.
i got a mean streak and called him and told him not to worry too much about me because i had been dating other people more than i let him know while we were dating since he wouldn't commit (very true). it made me feel a lot better, like he didn't get the best of me.

[LibraLiz1973]

47. It may not be that you are heartbroken

It is far more likely that your ego is bruised.
You are getting emotional, wondering what could be WRONG with you that he would do this.
And wondering why you aren't good enough.
All that negative self dialog is what fucks everything up.

Forgive yourself for putting up with his shit
and move on.

Instead of looking at it as a negative look at it as a positive. Instead of it going on for years,
it only went on for months.

Don't be a glutton for punishment- DO NOT CALL HIM.
Calling him and telling him not to worry only let him know how upset you are.
IF he was worried about how YOU feel, he would have said something ALOT more gentlemanly when he said it was over.


The choice is yours. Move on and be happy, or, obsess over what was not a good relationship
that was going nowhere. That process could take months out of your life and there is not reason for that.

You can't change the way he feels about you and the truth is, you shouldn't want to.
The guy for you will love you WITHOUT you having to pray for him to do so.


Erase his phone numbers & email address from your life and move on.

In a few months you will look back at this and be beyond relieved that you did.

[RetroLounge]

48. So you were dishonest with him too?

Ah. Never mind...

RL

[blue cat]

55. no

i wasn't dishonest. i didn't tell him how much i went out though. i read the book "dating without drama" and it says to con't to date others if you not in a committed relationship. I went out with some dates from match.com, where i met this guy.

[RetroLounge]

56. If he wasn't aware and you didn't tell him

then you were being dishonest.

It's called Lying by omission.

And you wonder why it didn't work :eyes:

RL

[Shakespeare]

53. So you were both dishonest with each other?

Ah, there's a recipe for relationship success.

[SPKrazy]

49. sounds like neither of you really were "feeling it"

or something

you were dating lots of people

he wasn't feeling it

better to find out now than realize that you stuck something out for 18 years when you didn't "feel it" and thought things would "grow"

[applegrove]

50. They say you have to kiss a dozen frogs to find a prince. Seriously - the more

relationships you have - the closer you are to knowing who the right person for you is. Better to find out now than later.

[Blue-Jay]

51. Say a fond "farewell".

That's really all you can do.

Sorry that it didn't work out, but at least he came clean about his feelings. (He probably should have confided in you sooner, though.)

[Connonym]

54. I'm sorry

I've been there and it hurts. :hug: Just remember that the lack was in him and not you and if he couldn't be what you want/need then even though it hurts at least he didn't drag it out even longer.