Parenting a teenager has got to be one of the hardest things on the planet

[Shine]

:banghead:

I know they're wired to be rebellious and not have good judgment at this age, but geez....

He's only 14 and sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall. Incredibly frustrating. :grr:

It's hard enough now, what the hell are the next four years gonna bring?? :scared:

Sigh....

[Cabcere]

1. As the sister of a sixteen-year-old boy,

I'll be sending good vibes your way. :scared: :hug: My brother was OK at 14, but around 15 1/2 he started getting a bit out of hand (although my parents and I think a lot of that has to do with his girlfriend, who is not a good influence x(). He's still a great kid, but sometimes...yeah. x( :hug: :hi: :pals: Peace, and best of luck!

[AnneD]

2. It is....

but this too shall pass:hug:

[Bicoastal]

3. Just leave me alone...

....I'm so miserable and you have no idea what it's LIKE!


<Boom boom boom boom boom. SLAM.>

[triguy46]

4. Raised 2 kids. Now having to "parent" our elderly parents...

My mom has alzheimer's and a slowly terminal bone marrow dysfunction,doesn't have long, she's only partly in this dimension.

Wife's parents, 79 and 80, are just wacko.

Is this harder than teens? Probably and apples and oranges comparison. Each is hard in their own way.

[Cabcere]

12. Oh, triguy, I'm really sorry to hear that about your mom.

:( My grandmother died last month after a ten-year struggle with Alzheimer's - it's a horrible disease, and I feel for you and your family having to deal with it. :hug: Peace.

[Maestro]

5. I feel for you Shine.

While my kids aren't that age yet, I deal with 10-12 year olds on a regular basis, every day. In fact, just today I was at the intermediate school that has a bunch of my former students. It was fun seeing them and most were just like I remembered them, nice, sweet, just bigger. A few though I just wanted to say, "Boy, get your act together!" "Connect two brain cells together and develop some common sense!" It is the age though. Their poor hormones and bodies just can't deal with life at times.

[redqueen]

37. Aw

I bet you're a great teacher. :)

[Maestro]

54. Thanks Redqueen.

When they are in trouble, I try to make it clear that I am upset with their decision making and their actions, but I still like the person. It is all about developing relationships with these kids. If you come at them confrontationally all the time you will lose them first thing. That is not to say, they can not see my disappointment, but they know I have not given up on them. Unfortunately, some just go too far at times, and the hammer falls.

[Inchworm]

6. Be strong

It ain't easy

:hug:

[hippywife]

7. All my best wishes to you, my friend!

I knew there were very good reasons I chose not to reproduce! Many hugs out your way! :hug:

I do know that if he's your child, he come out just fine when all is said and done.

[tigereye]

8. I always tell people it's like playing poker, while remembering to laugh!

pm me if you want, anytime. :hug:


This book is really cool - It's called "Get out of my life, and then can you drive me and Cheryl to the Mall"

One of the best books about this that I've seen. Actually I think that 12-14 age is harder, seems like they mature a bit as they get beyond that.

A woman I am acquainted with is a neurological researcher, and her kids always use the excuse, "we aren't fully myelinated," i.e. that their neurological connections aren't fully formed, I think. Research about teenage brains is kind of a hot thing, now.


Hang in there, kiddo.

[redqueen]

38. Hahaha... "we aren't fully myelinated"

that's a great line. :D

[tigereye]

53. well, when your mom is a neuropsych researcher .... you have the witty

teen comments!

I thought it was hilarious.


:hi:

[Dr. Strange]

9. I'm hoping my kids will instantaneously jump from ten-year-olds to adults.

Skip the teen years and the puberty and all.

[KitchenWitch]

11. You are not going to be THAT lucky.

Sorry...

[Cabcere]

16. If you could find a way to make that happen

I bet you'd be richer than Bill Gates overnight. ;) :hi: (And I'm not even a parent - just a former teen and sister to a current one!) :crazy:

[yourout]

10. I think staying married for 25 years is harder.

Were at 23 and don't know if we will make 25.

[Cabcere]

15. Best of luck to you.

:hug: My parents had their 25th anniversary this past July, and I know it hasn't been easy for them, but they've made it through and are still going pretty strong. I hope everything works out for you and your spouse! :hi: :pals:

[Ptah]

13. Hang in there, mom.

He will break on through to the other side.


:grouphug:

[SeattleGirl]

14. I know what you mean, Shine.

My daughter was more than a little trying at times when she was a teenager, but thank The Maker, she turned out okay.

[evlbstrd]

17. It is.

And I won't go into what I just had to do with my eighteen year old son.

[yourout]

18. When my oldest was 14 he finished 8th grade with 3 Fs and was a

140lb 5ft pain in the ass. He grew 10 inches in the next year and a half and was an honor student most of the way through high school. He is now finishing he second year in a liberal arts college we he has been Deans list and the first Academic All-American boy in school history. He is Captain of the baseball team and is looking at becoming a Teacher in a couple of years.

At 14 I thought he would never graduate.

[Duer 157099]

19. That's the most encouraging thing I've read in a LONG time!

Thanks! Just had a parent/teacher meeting with my 13-year old's teachers, and he's exactly in that same boat. 4 D/Fs on the most recent report card, and his teachers all admit that he's above average intelligence, just not motivated/interested.

Does it really just suddenly kick in??? Oh, what a dream.

Everyone advises me to just let it go, let him "get it" by himself, but how do you do that? How do you stand by and watch and let them fail? arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

[flygal]

25. Please don't take that advice....

Don't let him go. I was that kid in Jr. High. I was on the verge of failing and my mom was too busy with her mid-life crisis bar hopping to help me out. I don't know how I got by, but it still wasn't a fond memory.

My niece has been in summer school for the past 5 years and this year as a jr. she might pass everything. She's hanging around better kids but I think her involvement in extra activities is helping. Hopefully he will find something that motivates him - with me it was drama club. Having something to look forward to at school made the other stuff seem less of a drag. Good luck and just let him know you care and always will.

[yourout]

29. I think the answer is different for each kid.

For my oldest(now 22) his progression through puberty was the big thing. Going from a short chunky 5ft to a lean 6ft did wonders for his self esteem. But I would also add that my wife and I stayed very interested in what he was doing and I spent a great deal of time with him in sports and outdoor related activitys. College football games, hunting.....anything he had an interest in we tryed to cultivate.

Our middle son(now 20) went through a simlar experience in 8th grade. He fell in love with music and drama in high school. Academically he struggled some in high school mostly due to ADD. Very bright just not very motivated other than music. He is at the same liberal arts college as the older son were he is in the band and choir and a member of a traveling vocal jazz group.

Our youngest(now 16) also had grade issues in 8th grade but was Honor roll last quarter with a 3.8 gpa. He is the most athletic of the bunch and will be a three sport athlete this year. I try to spend as much time with him as I can and like the other two I prod him to try things he is interested in. He is very computer savy and I come from an IT background so I taught him some simple Visual Basic programming and now he is taking classes in Visual Basic and HTML. He is talking about being an engineer after high school.

So my advice would be STAY INVOLVED, find something they are interested in and spend time together. Go to movies together, go shopping together, try to encourage without preaching.

[Shine]

39. You're absolutely right on about staying involved

I am lucky b/c MrShine is in a mens' group he's been a part of for over 18 yrs, meeting weekly, if you can believe that. They're all about supporting each other in being the best men they can be. They take yearly ski and camping trips together that our son has been a part of for years, too.

In fact, they did a whole Rite of Passage Ceremony for ShineBoy this past summer that was truly profound for him personally, and for all the men (20 of them!) who participated.

The bottom line is, ShineBoy receives a LOT of emotional, physical, mental and spiritual support from myself and certainly his father and all his older brother/uncle-like figures on the men's group. He is an incredibly fortunate young man, who is being shown how to be a man of Integrity, Peace and Responsibility by all these wonderful men.

Not every boy gets that sort of opportunity, and yet, we're STILL dealing with these challenges.

I know it's all "normal" and on some level, this is providing ME with learning opportunities, as well.

Parenthood is a journey, isn't it? :hug:

[yourout]

42. I have to say I am very happy to have the puberty years behind.

I truly belive the hardest years for boys are 7th, 8th, and 9th grade. If you survive them the swings start to level out.

There will still be challenges ahead but at least for us it got alot better as High School went on.

Another thing my kids and all the kids I coached over the years got was the "No Regrets" lecture which was basically try anything and everything you have any interest in be it sports, music, shop, or the school newspaper. If you ask people 10 years after high school if they regretted going out for a sport even though they maybe did not play alot almost none of them would say yes. Ask that same group if the regretted not trying something in high school and I bet greater than 75% would say yes.

[Shine]

47. Thanks for your input on this thread, yourout

:thumbsup:

I like the idea of the "no regrets" lecture. ShineBoy has never been very sports-oriented, instead more drawn to the arts. He's into performing magic, acting and drumming.

I'll be interested to see what he gets into in high school. Time will tell.

:hi:

[yourout]

49. Kind of out of the blue my youngest has become a decent Juggler.

He wants to get some lessons for more advanced juggling.

He sounds alot like my middle one. Music and drama got him through high school. He is the free spirit of the bunch.

[Shine]

50. It must be interesting have 3 of the same gender

you really get to see how different they all are.

I have one of each and trust me, they are completely different animals...and for obvious reasons! :D

I think it's vital that teenagers, regardless of gender, have an activity in which they can shine in. It's hugely important to their self-esteem, doncha think?

[yourout]

51. With out a doubt............teenagers need something to be pround of.

Another thing I have learned is teens don't respond well to embarrasment.

Several of the team I coached end up playing in divisions they could not compete very well in an got beaten rather badly. It did not bother me and I tryed to make sure they still enjoyed the experience but many left the sport after that and after asking them why they did not keep playing most of them said "I quit cause I sucked at it". Since then I made sure I tryed to put kids in situations were they could succeed. You don't have to win necessarily....just don't get embarassed. I find it's far better for boys to play in "B" leagues and be able to compete than to get embarassed on "A" teams.

[Shine]

52. Yesterday when ShineBoy and I were having our big blow out...

he totally freaked out at the possibility of my calling a Parent/Teacher conference with his Science teacher about his current grade. As far as he is concerned, that is THE worst possible consequence because it's completely embarrassing to him.

We're giving him two weeks to get his grade back up and if he doesn't, then we'll do the conference for sure.

Yup, the embarrassment card is a big one to play.

Sometimes he acts as if my sheer existence is embarrassing enough. :eyes: We will tease each other about how our goals in life revolve around providing embarrassment to the other. It's a two-way street, trust me. :D

[Duer 157099]

57. Hahah, we truly are in similar situations

He balked at coming to the parent/teacher conferece, but he did it anyway.

In the past I've used the "maybe I need to get more involved at your school... you know, volunteer... hang out during lunch time..." BOY did that get his attention!

Not that he actually changed anything, because I think he knew that I wouldn't actually carry it out.

But maybe that *would* do the trick?

[Shine]

60. Yup, it sounds like we're in the same boat, dotcosm

being seen on campus with a parent is considered a fate worse than death at this age. :eyes:

:hi: Hang in there, yourself.

[Shine]

36. I struggle with that same dilemma, of wondering what to do

We've had the conversations about "responsibility" and "accountability for one's actions" and "time management", etc, etc, etc...til we're blue in the face, but he just doesn't seem to get it. Indeed, he has the audacity to be indignant with us that we're so upset he's doing so poorly in school, when we ALL know he can do sooo much better. :wtf:

For this latest drama, we've taken away his cell phone and all his computer privileges for the rest of the week, plus he's grounded. He's complained about it, but on the whole is accepting the deal, which is good, I suppose.

I feel there's GOT to be some sort of consequence for his actions (or in this case, LACK thereof), but the challenge of doing that is then, in his mind, it becomes about being "punished" and having to please his parents, rather than him truly understanding that the reason he's in this position in the first place is because of HIS actions. In other words, he need to comprehend that this is about HIM, not us.

We've tried to make the distinction between "punishment" and "consequence", but he doesn't get that, either. Sigh.

I don't know when this shit "kicks in" as you put it, but I do know I will NOT stand by and watch him go downhill, academically or otherwise, without a fight.

:hi:

[Duer 157099]

59. Again, same deal here

I basically took away EVERYTHING (cell phone, playstation, freedom to hangout with friends when he wants) and he has to EARN each and every instance of any of those things. I don't know if this is the right strategy, but I have no other options. I've tried putting monetary tags on things, and that got out of hand quickly, where he'd "charge" for every frickin little thing he did around the house, would show me only his "good" grades and just omit showing the poor ones, etc, so I realized that message was getting distorted. Besides, he doesn't really value money yet, although the very early stages of thinking about saving for a car is creeping into his consciousness.

[Shine]

61. as GWB would put it: "it's hard work!"

:rofl:

We regularly get emailed progress reports from his teachers, which is good for keeping on track of his grades. Some teachers are better at giving them more regularly than others, but on the whole, they make themselves pretty available, via email, anytime, so I can easily track how he's doing.

Plus, at the beginning of a new quarter, their grades tend to be more fluid b/c they haven't done much yet. Meaning if he blows something, it shows up in a BIG way. Eventually and hopefully it evens out and gets higher as the days and weeks roll on.

[Shine]

34. Wow, I'm really glad to read that post, yourout.

ShineBoy has been completely blowing it in school lately. He's a smart kid, but he's a procrastinator and can be incredibly lazy, too.

Shit, that sounds like ME! :rofl:

Sigh.

Anyway, great to hear your happy story about your son. Congrats. :toast: You done good and so has he.

:hi:

[Duer 157099]

20. Sounds like we are in the same boat my friend

It's certainly the most difficult challenge I've faced in my life so far.

The hardest part is having to feel like the "enemy" when nothing could be further from the truth.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

21. There's only one thing harder...

...being the teen. Couldn't pay me to go back to those days.
Just keep remembering the parental credo you learned when he was born: Expect nothing and be ready for anything...You won't be disappointed. :hug::hug:

[Zookeeper]

22. I'm with you!

Mine are 17, 15 and 13. I am suddenly very, very nostalgic for their early childhood days and, as far as the 17 year old is concerned, I am looking forward to him moving on and out in the next couple of years.

Teen-aged brain is the pits.

:hug:

[China_cat]

23. Want a scary thought?

In 2 years he's going to be demanding to be allowed to drive.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

24. Chaos.

:evilgrin:

Sorry you're having trouble. Unfortunately for parents, their wishes are sort of the last things on our minds right now. It really is odd in that I seemed to just wake up one morning incredibly aggravated with my mother, for no reason at all, and that feeling has been a frequent one ever since. The novelty of being annoyed starts to wear off after a while, though; what comes in its place is a sudden fear (masked by apathy) once college is visibly around the corner.

[Perry Logan]

26. I barely made it through adolescence myself. I never thought I could help somoene else through it.

[seemunkee]

27. And when the nest is empty you'll miss them

Can't wait for my daughter to come home on winter break. We don't get to see our son much and after 3 days here he's ready to head back to beantown.

[Shine]

40. Hi seemunkee!

:hug: :hi:
I know they'll both be gone before we know it. As it is, it's hard to believe they're 11 and 14 already. Time really does seem to be speeding up.

It reminds me of that Cat Steven's song, "Cat in the Cradle"....

[seemunkee]

28. dupe

I think that was my first double post

[PRETZEL]

30. My step son just turned 14 a couple of weeks ago,

I'll take anyone's 14 y/o over this kid.

[SarahB]

31. Tell me when your almost 16 year old daughter...

is dating a boy getting his pilot's license... and she wants to fly in a damned plane with her boyfriend. I'm all for good goals (he's the first one that has some sense and maturity), but she's still my baby. :scared:

[Tyler Durden]

32. Just thank God he is not a she.

Girls are so much harder. 2 of each; I know of what I speak.

[Shine]

41. I've got a girl who is 11....so it's just a matter of time

:scared:


:hi:

[Tyler Durden]

46. "I can't say much for your chances...but you have my sympathies."

Ashe, Science Officer, Commercial Towing Vessel NOSTROMO

[Shine]

48. Greeaat.

can't wait. ;) yeah, all those hormones are a bitch.

They've done studies on the teenage brain and basically proven that they "go crazy" during those years, what with all the various bio-chemical, hormonal changes they are going through.

I swear, you couldn't PAY me enough to be a teenager again! However, I get to re-live those years again, through my kids. :scared:

[skygazer]

33. Take lots of deep breaths

And try to remember what it was like to be that age. They're just a big walking hormone with no idea what's going on.

These are the years when it dawns on you what your parents went through. And you end up randomly telling them how sorry you are. :rofl:

:hug:

[Arkansas Granny]

35. Hang in there and don't sweat the small stuff. Pick the battles that

are really important and realize that eventually they all grow up. One of these days you'll be able to look at other parents who are going through the same thing and think to yourself "I'm so glad my kids are grown".

:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

43. only in developed countries. in under developed and developing countries

adolescence is not the same phenomenon as it is in developed countries.

apparanly we are allowed adolescence so that we stay in school longer and this is the price parents have to pay.


i am super excited i remembered that from school.

[Midlodemocrat]

44. It gets better.

Early teen years are the worst, but by the time he gets ready to go to college, he will actually have morphed into a reasonable human being.

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

45. 4 years? dream on! try 14 years

until he's actually matured enough to start making good decisions

:hug:

[truedelphi]

56. It does take a while. I loved the movie Parenthood

For all the different types of parents and kids it protrayed.

The worst "kid" was the mid twenty something with the gambling problem.

[Marrah_G]

55. I have 3..... 14, 15 and 17

yes, I am now insane.

3 of them vs just me.

:crazy:

[porphyrian]

58. You've obviously never tried to give birth to Voltron as a male. -n/t

[PeaceNikki]

62. I often ponder selling mine into slave labor.

I teeter between that and a medically induced coma for the next 7-10 years. Me or him? Meh... either will do.

[DarkTirade]

63. As a former teenager, I'd like to apologize to all parents of teenagers out there.

And all parents who once had teenagers. (Especially the parents of teenagers that I dated when I was a teenager. :evilgrin: )