Rant--on the kind of family shit that

[hyphenate]

should never exist but does.

My mom is 79--she just turned it about two weeks ago. She hasn't been in the best of health for awhile now, and about two months ago she fell and broke her hip and her shoulder.

My sister takes care of her and my brother Wayne, who is handicapped from an auto accident 30 years ago. He has the mentality of about a 10 year old, and while he can do most normal stuff for himself (like eating and bathroom), he is incapable of walking, cooking, and having any sense to do anything else.

They live in Pasadena, California, and I'm back here on the East coast again, so it's not like I can do anything about things since I'm now 3000 miles away.

Some might know that I've ranted about my sister before--she is an alcoholic, and while she does have some dry periods, they don't last for long. And she is spending all the money that comes into the house for booze, and leaving my mom and brother alone more and more. When she's drinking, she has these two "boyfriends" who are just the scum of the earth--one has abused my sister, and the other is another alcoholic and drug addict as well. She doesn't have enough self esteem to get away from these guys, and she jokes about going back to them again and again.

But I have been getting angrier and angrier about her leaving my mom and brother alone, especially since it was one of her "absences" that Mom fell and broke her bones. When she goes out, she takes the ringer off the phone, which makes me worry more and more. And so when I called last Friday and couldn't get hold of them, once again I worried. When my sister finally answered the phone (about 7 that night, my time), I could tell she was (as usual) loaded. When I asked about why the phone had been off, she flippantly told me she had "gone fishing" all day. I yelled at her and she hung up on me.

So I decided that her trying to blackmail me into allowing this shit to continue was not going to happen. I called the Sheriff's department and asked them to check up on things, because of everything that has been going on. Well, my sister called back, sobbing. I believe it scared her. And I hoped, really hoped, it scared her enough to sober up and stay straight. She has some warrants out on her, and is afraid of going back into the justice system, but her drinking gives her the usual liquid courage to keep going out and getting drunk, and abusing the law and herself in the bargain.

So I became the scapegoat when the situation blew up--and I don't really care. I told my mom that I would do it again, and will, if she doesn't call me at least once a day to let me know everything is all right. She is afraid that she and Wayne would be left alone if Debby is hauled off to jail, and the thought of her going to an assisted living facility scares her to death. Seeing as she and I worked in a nursing home many years ago, the thought of being in a home is the worst possible. She would give up entirely and die within months if it happened.

So I know I did the right thing, but it cost me a lot in the end. Debby is not going to straighten up, and my mom and brother are going to have to continue being treated like shit. And now I have to rely on my mom calling me, which is not a sure thing. It sucks. But we don't have much choice in the matter. I wish we did.

[RiffRandell]

1. Wow. I am so sorry,

Have you tried all social services available? I don't mean to ask stupid questions, but they sound like they qualify for disability and perhaps some type of home health aid. Keep me posted---I know it must be so hard living so far away and have such shitty people to rely on.

[hyphenate]

5. Thanks

See my answer below--there are already too many cracks, and my mom just helps make that many more. It's her fierce desire to appear capable, even if it's all on the surface. Believe me--I've got the ulcer to prove it (cured now, but it's been there for a LONG time!)

[LeftyMom]

2. Can you move out there or move them toward you?

It sounds like your sister can't be trusted to care for herself, let alone anybody else.

[hyphenate]

4. Been there

already--I lived in L.A. for 15 years--don't ever want to do it again. I've asked Mom to come up here, and she won't. She's got this singularly strong streak of stubbornness that is unmatched.

I know my sister can't be trusted, but I know with most (?) alcoholics that they have to hit rock bottom before they will admit to having a problem. Even then, the desire to drink obscures everything else, and some will never be able to stay sober. It runs in the family--I am only glad my two nieces don't drink, though my nephew is another matter--he is, at 14, his mother's son, and that worries me. I believe he suffers through some "fetal alcohol syndrome" as he has a great deal of trouble in school, and was living with one of his half-sisters (my youngest niece) for awhile, until he began failing all his classes, and now has requested to move back with his mother--something I think will only exacerbate his problems.

My older niece has some powers of attorney, but she doesn't give a shit, either: she hates her mother, and will screw my mother (her grandmother) if it means it will screw my sister, but she is currently too busy with her new husband and home to take any time out to check on my mom. In a way this is good, but in another way it's bad--there aren't too many people around that can do much of anything else.

There is a social worker, so that helps, and they are on the radar, but my mom just tells them everything is all right and peachy, and many social workers don't pay enough attention to see anything other than what they hope to see. My mom does it with her doctor, too, but he's a quack and doesn't pay much attention, anyhow. (I do have some stories to back that up, but lacking time, I'm not going into details here.)

[Dystopian]

3. You did do the right thing...

the best possible thing, and I can imagine how difficult it was. Assisted living facilities can be really nice....while still maintaining the same level of independence. You all need peace of mind...
This is a difficult situation...I really feel for you.:hug:

peace~

[hyphenate]

6. Thanks

My niece wanted to do that, but the cost was just so high it was unthinkable--over $3000 a month, which is basically my mom and brother's complete income a month. (A lot more than what I'm getting!) And this was supposed to be a "friend" of my niece's--I'd hate to see what a "non-friend" would be charging.

[hyphenate]

7. Guys

I'm going to leave until morning, but I appreciate any and all comments anyone leaves--it's just that I'm finally getting a more managable internal clock again (no more falling asleep at 4 in the morning!) and need to sleep. Looking forward to hearing from you.

[prolesunited]

8. The situation sounds screwed up indeed

But you can't manage it from 3,000 miles away.

We always have choices. Sometimes they are very, very hard.

[Haole Girl]

9. Sending hugs...

Hope your sister can get the help it sounds like she so desperately needs.

In my experiences in life, a person cannot change until they want to change. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[applegrove]

10. That sounds terrible. Sending your family good vibes for a healthier resolution.

[hyphenate]

16. Thanks--

I don't think much good will come out of this--it hasn't happened yet, and a lot of this is not entirely new. I wish it would. But human nature being what it is, I can't honestly think this time is any different.

[ThomCat]

11. That sounds incredibly painful.

:cry:

I feel bad for all of you.

I can understand never wanting to go into assisted living. I have a disabiliy that is costing me my ability to function, and my biggest fear is having to go into a nursing home or assisted living facility. :(

The alcohol problem and the "boyfriends" are two huge problems that there just aren't solutions for.

I don't know what you can do, but I think you did the right thing by calling the sheriff.

:hug:

[hyphenate]

18. Thanks as well

When my mom and I worked in the nursing homes, it was always difficult to see some of the patients needing so much care. I know I'm in my own situation where I, too, dread losing my own independence. Thankfully, I have a friend who does make life a bit easier to tolerate by running little errands for me--it means I am spending more time keeping my wits about me instead of become exhausted all the time.

[zanne]

12. I was once the lone caregiver for my mother....

I don't care if your sister set an orphanage on fire on Christmas Eve, she still has the compassion and courage it takes to care for people other than herself. Living far away is another thing. When my mother got sick, three of my siblings suddenly decided to move out of state; then they would say "I really wish I lived close by so I could help...." I didn't buy it for a minute. You should be grateful for your sister instead of trying to put her down. She doesn't deserve it. And it really makes you sound like a bitch.

[hyphenate]

15. I guess I assume too much....

And I apologize for that assumption. I've posted details of my life and where my own health comes in many times, but mostly in the Chronic Health Conditions. I've also posted here in the Lounge about some other background and history, but it's been awhile.

I moved back to New England because of health reasons myself. I came back nearly five years ago, and my mother's health was better at that time. My sister wasn't taking care of my mom or brother at that time--my adoptive brother was. He himself died a year and a half ago, which was during one of those times when the more abusive of my sister's boyfriends was threatening her--it proved to be one of those serendipitous situations where my sister had someplace to go when it happened, and so she moved in with my mom.

As I mentioned above, my sister has had a lot of trouble with substance abuse. She has been in jail for periods of time, including one time, about fifteen years ago when she was also living with my mom, when she had an ankle monitor and was on house arrest. It's happened time and time again, and the pattern never changes. She stays with mom, goes off the wagon, goes back into one of her benders, gets arrested and locked up. The worst part is she doesn't seem to care. And when she gets paroled or released on probation, they make her go to Narcotics Anonymous instead of sending her to a shrink who would likely help her more than NA or AA. She has also stolen money from my mom on several occasions, most recently four months ago. She is spending my mom's income daily now, without hiding it from her, which is a bit brazen to me.

I have asked my mom to come back here many times. In addition, they are collecting the in-home care income as well in California--income that they wouldn't be getting living back here. When I was living out there, I had tremendous health problems and was shut out of the health care system. Considering that I have had heart disease as well as a host of other conditions, it was ill-advised to stay in a place where I couldn't afford medical care. Returning to Massachusetts has changed that. I would once again be in untenable circumstances if I returned to L.A.

If I appear like a critic who doesn't appreciate my sister taking care of my mom and brother, the fact is, my sister, when sober, has a big heart. But when she is drinking, she is nasty, flippant, and dangerous to herself and everyone else. I had hopes that living with mom this time around would help her straighten her life out, but it hasn't--and now she is leaving my mom and brother alone for hours on end, without anyone there to watch them. It is one thing to take a day or two off a week, but to make it daily is another thing. And the fact is, both my mom and brother are often in bed by 8 in the evening, and aren't up until 8 or 9 the next day. Before the fall, my mom was capable of getting up and going to bed on her own--since then, she needs help transitioning. My brother only requires help with meals for the most part--the rest of his day is spent watching comedies on TV. My mom needs help preparing her insulin shots and reading the glucometer results, but other than that, her only need is getting meals. My sister buys a lot of TV dinners--besides the amount of sodium that's in them, there is little preparation in them.

Returning to Massachusetts took a great toll on me. I lost my best friend only four months after I returned, lost one of my furkids along the trip cross-country, and have suffered many other losses since. I now have peripheral neuropathy, am on a very limiting amount of disability income, can barely walk and have lost most of my own independence. If I gave the impression that I'm somehow "enjoying" myself away from the crux of the "action" I hope I have clarified that to a degree. Emotionally, I have been in a clinical depression for nearly the whole of my time back home, and have no capacity to do anything about my own situation, nevermind the situation 3000 miles away. To simply hear my mom's voice at least once a day is something I look forward to, and when I don't, it hurts a great deal. My mom and I have been not only close, but we have traveled a great deal together and I've always thought of her as my first best friend. I hate that she isn't getting the care she deserves, and for that alone, I can't help but to be worried.

[Bennyboy]

20. Sorry, I did not know the background.....

I interjected my situation into your troubles. Sorry for that.

I really have no answers for you though. Do you think that no matter what your Mom and Bro are better off with your is as their caregiver? Seems to me this is a lot of her problem.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

21. Sorry, I didn't know your situation either

:hug:

[zanne]

23. I hope that yuou and your mother can live together.

I'm also very sick with heart disease and muscular dystrophy, but somehow, having two sick people in the house was alot better than having just one sick person in the house. I had my good days, when taking care of myself and my mom wasn't bad at all. There were bad days, of course, but we muddled through. I shold have thought before I condemned you. It was pure emotion speaking and I'm sorry.

[Bennyboy]

13. I am going to play devil's advocate here....

And am thinking that your sis is WAY over her head. As someone with parents in their 80's, any contact makes me want to run right to drink. People that age drive me crazy and she is taking care of someone that you describe as an invalid also.

I am curious, does she get paid for this? In my parents case, I do not and they don't want to go to the state or county (CA) to get on the paid care roll. This is something she should do.

And she should have regular hours, no more than eight in a row with at least two days off per week. IT IS A JOB and not a good one at that.

And you should be contributing to the $$$ to afford someone else to come in and help when your sister is off.

I recently told my parents to either get me on the roll or forget about it. they told me to go to hell, so fuck them. I am not their slave. And to think that i would do what I consider the most horrible job in the world and do it for nothing is just ludicrous. No wonder she (and I) drink whenever we get the chance. YOU try that for a while.

BTW, I have 3 siblings that do not have any contact at all with my parents. They too feel free to critcize me over my habits. FUCK THEM.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

14. I'm going to have to agree at least partly with zanne and Bennyboy

Caring for not one but TWO disabled people full time is an incredible burden. Her behavior may be a cry for help. Put yourself in her shoes: Would you like to spend 24/7 being an on-demand private duty nurse--unpaid?

If you're going to "backseat drive" from across the country, you need to be chipping in for some respite care or come back to Pasadena for a short time and offer to take over so that your sister can get some time off.

[democracyindanger]

17. The Holidays have officially begun at DU

:party:

[Redstone]

19. My opinion? You're in a shitty situation which, I'm afraid, you will NOT be able

to make any better.

We can, each and all of us, only do what we can do. I'm sure it's small consolation to you to hear that even if you "try harder" it's not going to help, but there it is.

I do hope you can get to a point, within yourself, of accepting that perhaps your best is just not enough to remediate a genuinely awful situation, and that you should NOT beat yourself up over that fact.

You've tried. You've done the best you could. Sometimes that's not enough...but if it isn't enough, that's not YOUR fault, is it?

Try to be at peace with yourself as much as you can. It is genuinely NOT your fault that your family's part of the world has worked out to be in a way that you can't control or fix.

Redstone

[Indi Guy]

22. Just in time for the Holidays...

;)