mother in law hell.....

[malta blue]

I know I have posted this before but it is REALLY starting to wear on me...

It's all about Mr MB's mom. She is coming for xmas and every year I go to NYC on either xmas eve or xmas (depending when I have Little MB) to see my dad and family. So this year we go xmas eve and then on xmas Little MB goes to her dad's house.

So....his fruit-loop mom says that for xmas dinner, she does not want me to invite my stepdad (um excuse me, who died and left you the authority to dictate who I can invite to MY FUCKING HOUSE?).

And now she says that her "anxiety" prohibits her from taking the car trip to NYC to see my family - so Mr MB has decided to stay home with her and send me and Little MB alone to nyc. Now, first of all - she cannot dictate who comes to my house for dinner, and secondly, if you are a guest, you do what the host tells you - take a fucking valium, get in the back seat and shut the fuck up!!!!

:rant:

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Wow. She really is something.

Sounds a lot like my MIL, very controlling, manipulative.

I feel for you, because it's a tough spot to be in. Mr. MB is going to get the message at some point, though, that his mom is being a royal PITA. He really should go with you to NYC. Leave the nutbag home with the remote and some cheez doodles.

[malta blue]

2. I told stepdad everything....

his answer:
"this is a deliberate attempt by X (MIL) to make Mr MB choose between you and her, and if he chooses her, I am going to give you the name of a good divorce lawyer"

My stepdad is a lawyer himself and found in his days of divorce law that any time the husband chose mom over spouse, it inevitably led to a split.

:mad:

[Midlodemocrat]

5. Sadly, I think he's right.

My MIL was awful, just awful. She deliberately did things with the kids I didn't want her to do. Like give them Jacks when they were toddlers. :eyes:

And, she would feed them off her plate. :puke: She gave TM a piece of crab once and the child had a terrible allergic reaction. Mr. Midlo finally told her she was forbidden to ever, ever give the kids anything to eat again.

I was always a nervous wreck when they were here. They just were too cavalier with the kids and it made me crazy. I didn't vent about it too much to Mr. M because he was at work and couldn't do anything when it was happening.

His sister is also a real piece of work. Very, screwed up family.

[malta blue]

6. Unfortunately I did not get to interview his mom

nor his sister prior to our marriage due to geographical limitations.

The sister is a nutjob too...but what gets me is that Mr MB is soooo forgiving and gentle with his mom when she is the one who snuck out in the middle of the night and left him and his sister with his dad when they were in 4th and 2nd grade! I love the fact that he is forgiving, but since she became a fundie, she thinks that she can just "take back" the damage she did to them. Mr MB has handled it way better than the sister, but still, he has mommy issues....

WOW - did you know that TM was allergic to seafood before the crab incident? That is crazy!!!

[ScreamingMeemie]

7. He isn't right.

My mother in law is a needy person. I saw this and understood it and knew that, at the end of the day, MrG was coming home to me. It took a couple of years of arguments for me to calm down and just accept that it was what it was...and that it made him happy. The Friday night before he died he told me he was sorry. For the times he chose her over us. No regrets. That is what it is all about. I, of course, hate her now for doing that to my baby...but there's nothing I can do about that.

[malta blue]

8. Thanks for the perspective MrsG.

:hug:

It's nice to see you here - I think of you often.

[WolverineDG]

31. Smart man

I'm a lawyer & I agree with him.

A gift suggestion for you to give MIL: big girl panties. It's obvious she's never worn any.

dg

[malta blue]

34. Maybe Mr MB should get some

big boy undies too...

:spray:


edit: typo

[sasquatch]

16. Matcom wants me to figure out how you'd be as a MIL

When do you want me to come over?
:P

[Midlodemocrat]

19. I will actually be a fabulous one.

My own mom was a fantastic MIL. Never interfered, not once. Her daughters in law adored her.

[sasquatch]

20. Well I'll see about that

I'll be over next week to install a camera.

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. Too goddamned bad for her if she doesn't want you to invite someone.

Tell her to stay in the fuckin' bedroom - or just not come at all - while your stepdad is there if that's much of a fuckin' issue for her.

As to MrB staying at home with her, I suppose that's really his call - though it is something that the two of you should negotiate, without his mother's input. But if he sees his mom more than once a year, there's no reason that he shouldn't go with you, and leave the psychotic bitch behind.

Scary, if he chooses her over you.

[malta blue]

4. I am not going to give in on the stepdad thing, that is for

sure because she really has no authority to invite or uninvite people to my home.

As for the NYC thing, it is Mr MB's call, but I will be very disappointed if he gives into this manipulative crap.

:hi:

[MrScorpio]

9. I really feel sorry about all the MIL issues

My late MIL was a saint, God bless her soul.

[malta blue]

11. Thanks MrScorpio.

I don't think Mr MB has any problems with my mom, it is just his mom that throws the monkeywrench in....
:hi:

[AlCzervik]

10. Wow is she always that needy?

sounds like it's all about her.

[malta blue]

12. Don't know....

She lives in Atlanta.

Mr MB lived in California before we got married and I lived in NY - it was a long distance thing for 3 years.

I met her the day before our wedding.

You know how they say kids are good judges of people? Little MB did not want to be near her at all, but LOVED Mr MB's stepmom. Interesting....

MIL was really frosted that Little MB hung out with the stepmom, but I think Little MB knew exactly was she was doing.

[AlCzervik]

13. children know, my daughter is a good one for that.

imo she sounds really needy and full of drama, i have sil that thrives on drama, in fact she's not happy unless she's miserable. I feel for you.
:hug:

i also live far away from her---it wasn't **the** reason but it was a nice benefit.

[Sweet Freedom]

14. Why don't you call her up

and tell her you're sooooo sorry about her anxiety and that she can't make the visit. You feel really bad. And you feel soooooooooo terrible that your SO and child will miss out on the entire family being together, so you've decided that all of you -- stepdad included -- are going to spend Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with her at her house.

Then see how she likes having guests dictate what happens in her home.

[malta blue]

15. Nice one...

but you would have to pay me millions to go that crazy fundy's house....

[Sequoia]

17. Here's a song for you"

Mother-in-Law
Ernie K-Doe

Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
The worst person I know
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
She worries me so
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
If she leave us alone
We would have a happy home
Sent from down below
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
Sin should be her name
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
To me they are about the same
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
Everytime I open my mouth
Then she tries to put me out
How could she stoop so low
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
I come home with my pay
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
She ask me what I made
Mother-in-law, mother-in-law
She thinks her advice is a constitution
If she would leave that should be the solution
And don't come back no more
My mother-in-law, mother-in-law.


Too bad she lives in Atlana because they are running out of water so hopefully she won't decide to move out. She left her children and now thinks she can just waltz back in because she's a fundie now! Oh, they are the worst, the worst. These "awful sinners" who "find Jesus" turn out to worse than your born into the fundie system from what I've experienced. How long was she gone from her children? I feel for you. I never knew my in-laws but my SO said if they had met me they might've liked him better. Good luck. Tell you husband it's NYC for Christmas so I hope he goes with you. Let her stay home while you're gone and stew in her obvious hatred. Good luck.

[malta blue]

18. ...

:rofl:

Thanks

[malta blue]

21. *** I can't believe it! He is going to give in to her! ***

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

He just told me that he is going to stay home with her on Christmas Eve. He is going to sit back and let me work from 4am to noon, and then drive 3.5 hours each way to NYC to ensure that my Little MB sees her grandpa for the holidays.

He feels that the resentment between me and his mom will be greater if he chooses to let her stay home alone. He is NOT very bright....

:nuke::nuke::nuke::nuke::nuke::nuke:

[Midlodemocrat]

22. He's in a bad spot.

I feel for you. I went through similar times with Mr. M.

:hug:

[malta blue]

23. I can always count on you Midlo for a hug

when it comes to this.

Thanks so much :hug:

I really am at a loss as to what to do. He does not see that she is manipulating the situation. She has "anxiety" about being in a car - why then, pray tell, was she planning a driving trip with his sister fron Atlanta to MA before she and the sister had a falling out. Seems to me that her "anxiety" is caused by her desire to be a spoiled brat. Mr MB always tells me that I am too self-sacrificing for Little MB...I tell him that is what being the mommy is all about - making sacrifices to make sure your baby is happy and safe. Seems to me that she is not living up to those standards at all.

I feel bad for him - he really does not see it at all.
:shrug:

[Midlodemocrat]

24. I'll tell you what is going to happen if your path goes like mine.

Mr. was always pissed off, silently, but still pissed off that I did so much volunteering at the schools and that our house always was the one that the kids gravitated to.

It was something I always wanted. I *wanted* to be that Kool-Aid mom handing out the ice pops, etc. and I just wouldn't listen to him when he started in about how the house needed to be kept up more than the kids needed to have friends over, blah, blah, blah.

Then his mom died and his sister started writing us hate mail. Apparently, his mother, in spite of telling us how 'everything had to be even' had given the house, worth approximately $600,000 solely to his sister. Nothing to him. Nothing to his three children, her only grandchildren.

Now, lest that seem greedy on our part, fast forward five years. My mom and dad are gone and we learn that his sister is physically and mentally abusing her father who lives in HIS HOUSE with her. We get him to come 'visit' and then talk him into living here. Turns out that my MIL manipulated that poor man just as badly, so it was pretty easy to forgive him.

And, when he died, SIL got the accounts that she had forced him to turn over to her, the house, and we got the funeral bill.

BUT, and this is huge. Mr. M realizes what a shithead he was in regards to me and his mom and has apologized for it, profusely. In some ways, it has made our marriage stronger.

[malta blue]

25. Hopefully we won't have to go through what you

did, but I hope that he does realize that he is being a schmuck.

That is horrible what your SIL did to her dad - people can really be terrible to those that love them can't they... I am glad you were able to help him in the end.

Mr MB has said over and over that he realizes she is being selfish, but he feels that he has to give in. I just don't get it, and it is causing me undue stress which I surely do not need. I had a small heart attack earlier this year, and I am trying so hard to eliminate unnecessary stresses from my life. I don't understand this woman....Would it be really horrible of me to just take off and spend the week she is at my house somewhere else? That way she can have all the "mommy time" that she feels she is missing....

[China_cat]

26. I think you might have a better chance of making a point

by doing just that. And when he wonders why, you sweetly smile and say, "but dear, you obviously needed this time with your mother without any distractions. It was my gift to you".

You, of course, take the credit card and live it up for that week.

[malta blue]

27. Yes...that beachfront in Dominican Republic is calling

my name right about now....

He can spend the holiday with his mom. I'll go visit mine - she lives on the beach :evilgrin:

[Rabrrrrrr]

28. "He realizes she's being selfish, but he feels he has to give in" - he's done.

That's precisely why she is the way she is - people cave into her fetid, verminous demands.

I don't know, but it seems that your hubby needs to grow up and cut the umbilical cord already, and differentiate himself from that termagant fishwife. I can't imagine what it's like being married into that relationship. Eeek.

[malta blue]

29. I feel slightly bruised and broken right now....

I don't really know what to do. He just does not see it the way I do. And BTW - termagant fishwife... :spray: thanks


Eeek is right Rabrrrrrr.

edit:typo

[WolverineDG]

30. What a piece of work

passive-aggressive much? Sounds like someone needs to read up on what the true meaning of Christmas is. I bet she'll be shocked to find it's not "Demand that everything be done MY way."

:hug: MB. Lordy, you're gonna need 'em.

dg

[malta blue]

35. Thanks...

and did I mention - she is an "evangelical" :wow:

[noamnety]

32. um ... the last part isn't right.

"if you are a guest, you do what the host tells you - take a fucking valium, get in the back seat and shut the fuck up!!!!"

I don't think Ms. Manners would advise that as a hostess attitude.

You're right that it's your deal to invite whoever you want to your house, I wouldn't negotiate that. He's invited, she's invited, so can opt to visit on that day or not. But if she really doesn't want to go somewhere - even if she's staying with you - why try to bully her into it? That's not right. She knows better than you if that's going to make her so uncomfortable that it makes her miserable.

I wouldn't make such a big thing out of Christmas eve that you make this into a huge family fight. You'll have plenty of other nights to spend with your husband, it's not like it's really that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. Be glad he isn't in Iraq like a whole lot of other husbands, you know?

[malta blue]

36. well considering that his decision to not come

now requires me to work from 4am to noon, and then do the 3.5-4 hour drive each way alone with a child, I don't think that I am making it a big deal. It's not like he didn't know that would be the situation....he just "forgot" to mention that part to her before she bought the plane ticket....

I am used to doing it alone now anyway - it's like being a single mom all over again....

And yes I know that it could be much worse...thanks for that reminder.
:hi:

[noamnety]

41. I did the single mom thing myself for quite some time

and my ex moved 8 hours away, so I did a lot of those long drives, just me and a child. They were long and kind of boring at times, but I think I'd have rather done them just with my daughter than with a MIL in the car with us whose company I didn't especially enjoy.

I also know that as an adult, I wouldn't want to spend Christmas eve sitting in the backseat of a car for 8 hours to see someone I don't really know or care about, and struggle through meaningless small talk with them (a thing I hate) during the time I'm there. I would probably feel caged up and restless and miserable, and it wouldn't surprise me if I had a raging headache by the end of it, so I can understand her saying No, that's not something I'm going to do. It's reasonable not to want to spend a full day, especially a holiday, in the backseat of a car.

More than most people, I hate small talk, I hate being coerced into going to social situations that I firmly don't want to be in. So emotionally, I can put myself in her shoes without a lot of effort. My parents are more like you, their attitude is that I need to STFU and do what they order me to do when I'm visiting them (and I'm in my 40's here).

If my mom were visiting, and she wasn't going to my in-laws for Christmas Eve, to be honest, if it weren't for pressure from the spouse, I'd rather stay home and have dinner with her than have it with my in-laws, and if you add in 8 hours in the car, I'd REALLY rather have dinner with her. Your husband may feel the same way - it might not be that he's being pressured or manipulated, he might just be doing what he wants to do, given the two options. That doesn't mean he's picking her over you, it sounds more like he's picking his parents over your parents - and you're picking your parents over his, and that's fairly normal.

My family all lives too far away to drive to for a day, but my inlaws are closer - 1-3 hours drive, depending on who hosts Christmas. His family always wants to get together both on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and I don't see the point. It's too much gas to be wasting, too much time in the car, and on day 2 I don't have anything new to tell them that I didn't already tell them on Day 1. I hate it. I finally got around that by booking us to play gigs on Christmas Eve. A few times the husband and I played music for a local Christmas Eve mass, a few years my daughter and I got booked in a different ensemble to play mass at a different local church, so the husband could have dinner with his folks, but my kid and I had an excuse not to be there. After a few years of that, the family got used to the idea of us just not going on both days, which was a huge relief.

I bet if you and his mother took personality tests, you'd find that she's more introverted and independent, and you're more of a social extrovert. One personality is not better or worse than the other, they just are what they are.

"Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion."

http://www.arcanegazebo.net/2005/11/the_introversionextroversion_i.html

[malta blue]

44. I will look into your suggestions.

But she also knew this was part of the package, and I don't believe she actually suffers from this "anxiety". She has admitted to being jealous of the time we get to spend with my family and needing to have "mommy time" with her son. Well guess what - she is going to get it because I am leaving town with my kid and dogs for her ENTIRE visit. She can stuff it as far as I am concerned. She is no longer welcome in my home.

[Rhiannon12866]

48. Yup, she knew what she was getting when she accepted the invitation.

She's just messing with your head and being a controlling bitch if she decides to try and change your plans now. You have plans with your husband and child. She's fortunate to have been invited at all, given her behavior. She's using the only ball that she has in her court, your husband, who isn't being very smart if he gives in to her. He only has to see his mother on the rare occasion, but will be spending the rest of his life with you... He needs a wake up call...:evilgrin:

BTW, is there a chance that she's allergic to dogs, or has a phobia about them? Dogs can come in very handy in situations like this just by being themselves...;)

[malta blue]

49. Hi friend...

you are right, she is just forcing him to make a choice and silly man is choosing to stay home with her...and I am taking my dogs with me to NYC too - she is soooo looking forward to seeing her "grand-dogs" HA - over my dead body is that little rat terrier giving her any kisses...

I am just a bitter human today.

:pals:

[noamnety]

57. Well, I didn't really give any suggestions.

I was pretty lacking in constructive advice. :D

I'm more just trying to put forth the other perspective here. I've spent pretty much every holiday for the last decade, every Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving ... all of it with my inlaws, and they don't feel like my family. I've just sort of written off that I will ever really enjoy a holiday again. I live for the other days, and that's fine. I think it's my lot in life, and I've hit a point of acceptance with it, but sometimes it makes me sad.

How's your husband feel about spending both days with your family? Does he look forward to it, or is he doing it like me, out of a sense of obligation to you?

[malta blue]

59. He thoroughly enjoys being with my family...

at least that is what he has always said.

We have been married two years and this is the first time she has visited us.

We usually spend one day local and one day in NYC because my daughter only gets to see my family only 2 or 3 times a year, since I have to split holidays with her dad and stuff like that.

So, the main problem I have is that she knew this was the plan, and she has concocted a number of positions to take to eliminate any of my family from the holiday since she will be here. She has said she is jealous of the time we spend with my family - but guess what - THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM and I am having a really hard time reconciling the fact that my kid has to go without seeing her grandfather because some crackpot wants - in her own words - "a private Christmas" with her son. She can have it - I won't be there at all.

[NC_Nurse]

33. She sounds like a jerk.

I think I'd be glad not to be spending the day with her. :)
In fact, I think I might be glad to spend the entire time of her visit elsewhere.
But that's just me. ;-)

[malta blue]

37. I am starting to lean in that direction, but I am not

really sure I could arrange that...

[NC_Nurse]

38. Maybe next year your husband could visit her.

By himself.
Just a thought....
Seriously, it seems like you either need to decide to accept her the way she is, or find something better to do.
No use being around her if your going to feel resentful. Why ruin your holiday?
Sometimes bowing out for one year will change a dynamic...it has in our family.

[malta blue]

39. Thank you for your

perspective on it. It may have to be so, and that is okay too. I don't like it but I know it has been done and that there are many people who do spend their holidays like this.

[NC_Nurse]

40. Make sure you're good to yourself.

:hug:

That's what really matters. Mine and my husbands families are dysfunctional as hell.
Somehow we balance it. At first, he had a hard time standing up for himself - esp. with his mom.
He got over it.
I had to stay away from my folks at times. We now get along well.
Take care of yourself. You won't regret it. :pals:

[malta blue]

45. Thank you...

:pals:

I will be taking my kid and dogs and letting her have all the freaking "mommy" time she needs - also I will be blocking Faux news and any religious channels on my tvs just to piss her off while I am gone.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

42. "Malta"? Isn't that an island with a history sorta like Sicily?

You probably know some guys who know some guys...

Not suggesting anything, just saying that sometimes accidents can befall anybody, even mothers-in-law.

Happy Holidays!



:evilgrin:

:hi:

[malta blue]

43. LOL

I do know some guys who know some guys...
:rofl:

[Rhiannon12866]

47. Yikes! Have you been watching "The Sopranos?" LOL.

:rofl:

I have been looking for "some guys" like that for years, for much the same reason as MB, but we live in a pretty small town...:shrug:

[malta blue]

51. pssst

I know some guys...

:rofl:

[Rhiannon12866]

53. Please! Send them my way...

I always hoped that Joe could come up with somebody, given his background, but I guess that they were another generation...:shrug:

[Rhiannon12866]

46. Oh, Jesus, I thought that you had this semi-solved...

And that Mr. MB agreed to back you up, especially regarding inviting your stepdad to dinner. It's your house and, I agree, you have the right to invite anyone that you want. Actually, I'd say the more people there, the better, and I'm saying this from experience... :eyes:

As for your trip to NYC, that's just over-the-top, Mr. MB abandoning both of you on Christmas Eve. On the other hand, I would hesitate to leave her alone in my house. Mr. MB needs to put his foot down and tell her that the plans have been made and that this is what you've decided. You can't let this woman ruin your Christmas, my friend, nor create a rift with you and Mr. MB, which sounds like what's happening.:-(

Does she have any other children? Oh, right, the daughter who's written her off. You'd think she'd be afraid of the same thing happening with her son, but please don't ask me to explain sons and mothers. I have my own issues.:shrug:

I'm sorry that this has come back to bite you, my friend. I'd remind Mr. MB (and old lady MB) that the plans have been made and that his mother needs to participate or she's on her own...x(

[malta blue]

50. I am making arrangements to take Little MB to NYC

for 4 of the 7 days she will be here.

She can bite my ass - and he can suck on a big one too!

I will be home very late on xmas eve, hopefully she will have consumed too much and be asleep. I will open gifts with my daughter on xmas day, deliver her to her daddy and then plan for a very PAGAN and downright unreligious xmas dinner with her, Mr MB and my stepdad.

:nuke:

[Rhiannon12866]

52. I've been thinking about your situation and had a little fantasy...

(I often had those while dealing with my mother and her evil spawn...):grr:

I know that your plans are made, but, if it was me, I'd want to be surrounded with as many kindred spirits as possible, for support. I'd invite my entire family to be there, cooking and reminiscing and having a hell of a time. She can't take on all of you at once...;)

As for the dinner, I'd make it as religious as possible. Too bad that little MB won't be there, since you could light the last candle of your Advent wreath, have her open the final door on her Advent calendar, and pass around Communion wafers. We used to do that and I'm not sure where my mother got the wafers, but they are a Polish tradition. You break off a piece and make a nice wish for the New Year...:D

If you'd like, I could drop by, and bring both crazy little Jack and gigantic Charlie... They're both extremely friendly...:rofl:

[malta blue]

54. There are just too many people downstate to bring up here

which is why we go there....

But you know what, I like the idea of you stopping by with Jack and Charlie :pals:

I know she does not like "immigrants" so she is trying to avoid my dominican/puertorican family too. I wish I could import every dominican I could to upstate NY for the night.

She sucks rocks!

[Rhiannon12866]

55. Jesus, then she wouldn't like me, either...

My mother was born here, but Polish is her first language. I used to know enough to get by...:shrug:

Are you fluent in Spanish? My Puerto Rican friend was, loved to hear her on the phone with her family. It would drive her crazy if she couldn't understand what you were all saying. As I said, it's just my little fantasy. I used to have a lot of those when dealing with my family. The only one who made holidays bearable was my Nana, my father's mother. Everybody was on their best behavior in front of her...:D

But I meant what I said about making your holiday religious, since that's what Christmas is, a religious holiday. I'd say grace and observe as many traditions as possible...:evilgrin:

As for Jack and Charlie, they love car rides, and meeting new people. Charlie still thinks he's a lapdog...:rofl:

[malta blue]

56. I was born here, my mom was born here

but before that we are from the islands....and everyone speaks spanish fluently - even Little MB is getting in on it.

Maybe I should go uber-fundy on her and reject christmas gifts too....that ought to show her since we just received the box she sent with all the gifts wrapped and ready to go.

Oh - and yes, you are sooooo invited to xmas dinner with the dogs and SO - I'll try a learn a couple of "choice" words in Polish :rofl:

[Rhiannon12866]

58. Well, same with me and my mother, but my Babci (grandmother) mostly spoke Polish...

My mother still does, when she gets the opportunity...:shrug:

It is very cool that little MB is learning another language. I regret that I missed the opportunity to become fluent, but my Dad, despite being pretty accepting of everybody else, didn't approve and didn't get on that well with my Babci. One story that I heard was that he helped her become a citizen, and then she cast her first vote for LBJ... Oops!:evilgrin:

She could be somewhat suffocating, as is my mother, but Babci was also a very nice person who had been through a lot. She would make negative comments about other nationalities, at least those who were on the other side during WWII, but she never seemed to have trouble with anybody, in person...:shrug:

As for "choice" words in Polish, that's what I am probably best at, LOL. I remember polite things, words referring to food because of my Babci, and swearing, because of my mother. Just taking a ride with her in the car would teach you all you needed to know...:rofl: