Our daughter-in-law has been diagnosed with a malignancy in her breast.

[Radio_Lady]

More tests needed on Monday to see how it has spread. She found the lump in her breast herself.

We're thousands of miles away. I really don't know what to do -- we have never even met this woman.

Maybe someone has some suggestions?

[Pale Blue Dot]

1. I'm sorry to hear that.

:hug:

[judaspriestess]

2. hopefully it was detected early enough

my heart breaks for any person to go through this.

[redqueen]

3. Yikes... I hope they caught it early...

or that it's not the 'bad' kind of malignant.

I don't know if there's a 'good' kind, but my mom gets those things and they never seem to get to the point of being dangerous... only need to be removed. I hope it's not as bad as it sounds...

[BarenakedLady]

4. I'm sorry to hear

I hope she is ok.

[Breeze54]

5. Send her flowers and kind, supportive words.

Hopefully it will be nothing but cystitis. (sp?)

[Maestro]

6. I'm sorry to hear this.

The best thing to do would be to get informed if you want to help her. Here is a good resource.

http://cms.komen.org/komen/AboutBreastCancer/Resources/EducationalMaterialsPrograms/FactsforLifebyTopic/index.htm?ssSourceNodeId=99&ssSourceSiteId=Komen

[Radio_Lady]

16. Thanks for that link. I've donated to the Susan Komen organization in the past.

I'll try to send them something in her honor.

[ThomCat]

7. I hope they caught it in time.

:(

Even if you don't know her very well, I hope you can offer some emotional and moral support through this. She is almost certainly a wreck about this.

:hug:

[QMPMom]

8. I'm so sorry to hear this.

A good first step would be to stop calling her "this woman".

I have been married for 22 years to the same man and certain family members of his still address mail to "Georg and Wife". They do not use my name, like I am replaceable.

[Radio_Lady]

13. Sorry about that. I don't want to use her first name and didn't know what else to say.

This is my stepson's wife. I dashed off that message in a hurry. No one in the family has been told about this.

Just to underscore your point, my grandmother used to call her daughter-in-law "Hey, you." No first name and no title.

They are both dead now but it still is a sore point when I remember it.

I am nobody's daughter-in-law now. All my "mothers" whom I cared about and called "Mother" or "Nana" are gone.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

9. Best wishes for a Full and Speedy Recovery.

Keep us posted. :hug:

[lost-in-nj]

10. hugs radio lady

and positive vibes and prayers to her and your family.....

:hug:

lost

[pitohui]

11. i'm sorry to hear that

since you have not yet met her, and most people don't need the stress of a lot of new people in their lives when they're seriously ill, i'd take the cues from my son about what you should do

it *might* be better to show concern from a distance such as email, shipping little needed helpful things, etc. and let her take the lead in deciding if she wants to meet you at this time (will admit there are times when i've been seriously ill that i didn't even inform my own parents, much less the in-laws, but i know i'm extreme in this -- still, if she isn't up to meeting you now, be aware that's one way some people react and it isn't personal)

very much urge you to talk to your son about what her wishes are

really a difficult situation, for sure

even more difficult if the reason you have not met is an estrangement, and for that situation i'm not sure i'd know what to do or suggest

my thoughts are with you all

on a positive note, a friend of mine was dx'd with breast cancer in her early 30s and has been in remission for over 10 years and has even had a child since lumpectomy/chemo (and now the kid is turning out to be super smart and super together!) -- there are happy endings possible these days, it's amazing what they can do and the science has only continued to advance since the early 90s

flowers are fine but if you can find a little more about her from your son then it might be possible to send books, DVDs, heck, suduko puzzles for her to use while she's resting up, a trade paperback might be easier to hold than a hardback after surgery (my mom mentioned this, and i've noticed it myself when i'm fatigued from illness) -- DON'T send inspirational books, they kind of offended me when i was ill, it was kind of like implying i caused my illness by thinking teh bad thoughts -- send the kind of fiction she likes or a puzzle or something about nature, don't send stuff about "chicken soup for cancer patients," maybe it's just me, but to me, that would send me thru the ceiling :-) (you probably wouldn't do this anyway, but i've met people who do and have so i'm just saying for benefit of lurkers)

[Richardo]

12. Your son must be beside himself.

I'm sure he could use all the support he can get from his parents. :hug:

[Radio_Lady]

14. Thanks, Richardo. My husband just put in another call to them this evening, but no one is home.

Thanks for your message.

[Haole Girl]

15. Don't have any advice...

..but I will give you and your family hugs... :hug: :hug: :hug:

[midlife_mo_Jo]

17. I'm sorry about your daughter-in-law's breast cancer

I'm undergoing radiation treatment right now for breast cancer, so I know how scary the diagnosis can be.

Maybe you could point your daughter-in-law to www.breastcancer.org. There's a lot of information on that site, and the message board (Community Knowledge Exchange) is wonderful. The women there are very helpful and empathetic. It really helps to talk to other women who are undergoing the same challenges.

[Radio_Lady]

18. Midlife_mo_Jo, I really appreciate your sending this link along.

To you, and to our daughter-in-law, I wish you both the very best outcome.

[midlife_mo_Jo]

24. Thank you.

My cancer was caught early, so I'm doing very well physically and emotionally.

My very best wishes to your daughter in law.

ETA - One more thing: If she has treatment options, the decision making can be overwhelming. Unless she has a very fast growing, aggressive cancer, it might help to remind your son that taking a week to mull over her treatment options is fine. If she needs to drug herself with Xanax to slow down, do it! Most cancers have been there for several years when discovered. I decided that I wouldn't have any surgery until after my youngest kids started school in the fall, which gave me two weeks to think about it. I went from thinking I would have a masectomy and reconstruction to deciding on a lumpectomy. I am SO GLAD I took those two weeks. I also know a woman who took some time and she went from thinking she'd have a lumpectomy to choosing a masectomy. Your daughter in law is the one who has to live with her decision, so she shouldn't feel like she was forced into a decision one way or the other if she does actually have choices.

[FuzzySlippers]

22. Hi midlife_mo_Jo.

I finished radiation treatment in August. I'd just like to offer you a :hug:.

[midlife_mo_Jo]

23. Thanks, Fuzzy

I just finished treatment fifteen, and so far, so good! My skin is doing better than my oncology team expected, so that is good news, right? :)

How are you doing?

My best wishes to you!

[FuzzySlippers]

26. I'm doing very well, thanks!

That's great news about your skin! I didn't have nearly as bad a skin reaction as I feared, either. Unfortunately, some women do have a bad time of it. I don't know what you're doing for skin care, but I was told to use aloe gel at least 2 times a day. A couple weeks before the end of treatment, I started getting pretty red and itchy, so I asked for an Rx cream, and it allowed me to finish treatment in relative comfort. I hope you're not getting too fatigued. The good news is that it passes quickly once treatment is over.

[JohnnyLib2]

19. All best wishes to her.

As the husband of a breast cancer survivor (22 years!), I'd say to stay very calm and supportive and to be as educated on each step of the treatment as you can. The decisions and disruption,stress, emotions for the couple can be overwhelming any given time. A calming voice on the phone can be very soothing. (to husbands, too......)

[Radio_Lady]

20. Very important advice, Johnny. I'll remember it. Thanks.

[midlife_mo_Jo]

25. Excellent advice.

It's always good to read good stories like your wife's, Johnny.

[Chovexani]

21. Oh no, I'm so sorry

Good mojo to your daughter-in-law. Your family is in my prayers. :hug:

[itsrobert]

27. Maybe it's time to meet her?

That might help her mental state at least.

[Radio_Lady]

28. Well, I'm treading on eggshells on that one. This is my stepson's second wife.

We haven't had a very good relationship with my stepson for many years, but he and my husband have been talking via email and telephone since last July, which is a good thing.

Also, we had a very positive visit with our grandson in August. Looks as if he will go to film school in New York City, which I certainly feel is a good decision. As a matter of fact, this November -- just before Thanksgiving -- marks 45 years since I moved from Miami to NYC "to find my place in the world of radio and TV"!

We're scheduled to go to Boston next May. Airline tickets and hotel reservations are in place. This would be a rare opportunity to see both of them, but only if they are willing. The last email blast from my stepson this summer made me very angry and I'm still trying to get over it.

[Radio_Lady]

29. Please understand that I am NOT opposed to meeting her!

We were not invited to their wedding, and have had no opportunity to meet her yet!

[Mz Pip]

37. Hopefully it was caught early

and she will have a full recovery.

I guess the only thing you can do is offer your support and take your cues from them. Sometimes a crisis like this will draw a family together. That's not always the case but I hope it will be for your family.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[applegrove]

30. So sorry. Sending your family good vibes.

[Radio_Lady]

31. UPDATE: My stepson's divorced wife is helping his current wife with doctor visits.

Hey, they all get along and his first wife is a real doll, never remarried -- also, she's in the medical field.

All three of them are (or were) raising our grandson, now almost 19 years old.

[applegrove]

40. That is heart-warming.

[Radio_Lady]

32. Once again, to all you women who are not having regular mammograms -- get them NOW!

[dropkickpa]

38. And self-exams!!!

Many young women do NOT do this very simple thing, and, as your DIL shows, it can be an invaluable tool for early detection! http://cms.komen.org/komen/AboutBreastCancer/EarlyDetectionScreening/BreastSelf-Exam/index.htm?ssSourceNodeId=313&ssSourceSiteId=Komen/

[BlueIris]

33. Good God. All best to you and your family.

[Indi Guy]

34. What's her age?

Very often, younger people have a better chance of beating cancer.

[donheld]

35. I'm so very sorry

:hug:

[I Have A Dream]

36. I have no suggestions, but I'm sending good vibes her way.

:(

[Tuesday Afternoon]

39. Sending moral support and healing vibes via the tubes.

[FloridaJudy]

41. Just ask

If you're on speaking terms with your step-son, call, write or e-mail and ask how you can help. This has always been my motto: if you don't know what to do, just ask. It's rarely let me down.

I wouldn't go visiting unless invited. When I was recovering from major surgery, I loved having my friends around - mostly because they're nurses and know just how to provide comfort measures - but meeting strangers was a trial. I'm slow to open up even when feeling 100%. Entertaining my husbands colleagues was a strain: I think all of us were relieved when they left after making brief visits and dropping off the flowers/candy I was too nauseated to appreciate.

In the meantime, here's a hug. :hug:

It's difficult to know what the prognosis is at a distance. My grandmother and mother survived breast cancer for decades before dying of something else, and my sister is still globe-trotting twenty years out. But it killed my best friend less than four months after she found a lump (and six months after a clean mammogram). I'll certainly keep my fingers crossed for everyone involved.