How do you know if someone "likes" you?

[mzteris]

I know. I know. You'd think someone my age - (married more than once) would know these things . . . but nooooooooooooooooooo......... I'm still f'ing clueless.

I don't think he does. I mean I'm pretty sure he's way younger than I am and all anyway. And I don't really WANT him to "like like" me, you know?

I mean, heck. I enjoyed talking to this person a LOT until someone said, "I think he liiiiiikes you. giggle giggle." Then I could hardly string two words together anymore!

Well - okay PART of me wants someone to "like like" me - just to know I'm still likeable! you know? BUT -

I'm really not ready to "get back out there". I'm not sure if I ever will be, you know? In the meantime I'd just like some friends to hang out with but if I'm going to freeze up everytime I even think someone might be "interested" - that's going to be hard to do.

[mainegreen]

1. They show up at your door in undies with a can of whipped cream?

[ElsewheresDaughter]

2. ROFLMAO!!!

[Gormy Cuss]

5. You die hard romantic, you.

:rofl:

[mainegreen]

8. Don't I know it. My wife got a real Don Juan.

Or perhaps a Dwayne Juan.

[mzteris]

14. um - does that really constitute "LIKE"?

or plain ol' lust?

:evilgrin:

[mainegreen]

16. Well, it's likely lust.

:P

[BarenakedLady]

3. Pass him a note during lunch

Do you "like like" me?

Check one

____YES

____NO

[mzteris]

15. hahaha - funny how much it

feels kinda like that!

:rofl:

[DarkTirade]

4. If you find yourself making mad, passionate monkey sex with that person...

he probably likes you.

Other than that, I'm usually pretty clueless too. Luckily for me there aren't many guys out there like me, so the people who find guys like me attractive tend to come right out and go for it.

[mzteris]

17. I dunno 'bout that

back in the day - well, lets just say you don't necessarily HAVE to 'like' someone to - etc . . .

So what is about you that makes you different?

[DarkTirade]

46. Mostly the fact that I'm a guy with hair that goes down almost to my waist.

And my brain generally just seems to work in slightly different ways than most people. According to the Meyers Briggs personality test, I belong to one of the personality types that makes up less than 1% of the population. :P I'm not in much demand, but there's an even lower supply of my kind from what I can tell.

Seriously though, I'm a long-haired musician type on the surface, and that's usually enough to get someone's attention if they like that kind of thing. Not that many like that type... but there aren't that many guys that fit that type anymore, so even though I'm only reasonably attractive(at least as far as I can tell from other people's reactions... I personally think I'm gorgeous, but I'm a bit of a narcissist. :) ), I'm still at the top part of the curve for most guys with long hair.

[Fire Walk With Me]

47. INFJ?

"According to the Meyers Briggs personality test, I belong to one of the personality types that makes up less than 1% of the population. :P"

[DarkTirade]

48. Huh. Now that I'm looking it up I'm getting different numbers all the way from

less than 1% to 5%... probably varies depnding on the test. But no, INTP for me. :)

[Fire Walk With Me]

49. So I've already mentioned what I am...

Sound like you have fun strutting your stuff harmlessly. To enjoy!

The human dynamics are sooo difficult. The Europeans seem to have moved past the "do they like me" point into a more artistic manner of interaction.

DT, you bring up what I've always said. The most attractive thing about someone is when they like themselves and have fun being themselves, and don't have a problem sharing themselves with those who interest them, at different levels, and can have fun at any level. Someone who is comfortable and present provides open space for others to show up.

[DarkTirade]

50. Hey, if somebody doesn't like me, then they're not gonna like me.

No sense pretending to be something else. I'd much rather be liked by the kind of people who would... y'know, like me. :)

[Fire Walk With Me]

54. That's the spirit.

And mzteris, I hope that things go well!

[mzteris]

52. I like long hair on a guy.

My older son just recently cut his well-below his shoulders hair. :cry: Assimilation, doncha know. He went back to public school. Well, that and as a ballet dancer the hair was getting in the way a bit.


My neighbor back in NC belongs to band where ALL the guys have nearly waist length hair. It was pretty cool.

You have to be a pretty self-confident type of guy to walk around with it these days, I think.

As for the "brain works slightly different" - I can definitely relate to that. So can my son - he really looks at the world from a slightly different angle. I think that's great. Who wants to be a sheeple anyway, ya know?



oh - and you DO you know - that your statement is completely WORTHLESS . . . . . . . . . . .
WITHOUT PICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:hi:

[DarkTirade]

66. I posted a couple in a recent picture thread

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x7048030">here, and I've been working in a warehouse for the last couple years so I've lost a little weight and gained a little muscle since then. If only I could lose that ever-so-stubborn extra little ring around the middle... I've also got an actual goatee now (albeit still fairly thin.) instead of just random face scraggle going on. :P

[triguy46]

6. I have no idea. I've been married for 31 years and have no recollection...

of mating rituals.

[mzteris]

18. I've been married

this time - for almost 15 years and dated him for two years before that . . .

so I don't remember either! yikes!

[xchrom]

7. ask him out to dinner.

you should be able to tell by the time that's over.

i should think.

the guys i go out with just ask each other out to -- oh never mind.

[mzteris]

20. no no no -

I don't WANT to "date" or anything.

I just want to go back to feeling comfortable just talking to a FRIEND! Does that make sense?

As soon as I heard that he might 'like me' - *I* started getting all uptight!

[rockymountaindem]

9. If you find out let me know

I think I've only figured it out a couple of times when the situation was so glaringly obvious it was awkward. I'd like to detect it before it advances to that stage in the future, assuming it happens again.

[mzteris]

21. awkward as hell.

Sometimes I think I'm just delusional or something. If it wasn't so sad, it'd probably be funny!

[Ivan Sputnik]

10. If his pupils dilate

when he's looking at you, that's a sure sign that he likes you ("like-likes" you).

[mzteris]

22. hmmmmmmmm -

but then I'd have to get really really close, wouldn't I?

(I think I'm hyperventilating here. . . )

[achtung_circus]

11. What level

of social interaction are you at? What is your contact context?

Is this someone you work with? Someone you met randomly, friend of a friend, or what?

I am an outrageous flirt yet know when I've crossed the line from flirting to yeah, I want more, so these are serious context questions.

[mzteris]

25. we go to the same place

fairly regularly. (Not a bar or anything.) He's always encouraging me to attend more activities more often. But then again, that would be a normal thing to do anyway, right? He's pretty out going and gregarious - and kind of outrageous sometimes.

Maybe he just feels sorry for me or something and wants to encourage me to get out more. (Lord knows I need to get out more, eh? As evidenced by this thread. lol)

[Lisa]

12. hey, you can't be the one who's "clueless" when someone hits on you ...

That's MY job!

I was discussing this kind of situation with a male colleague a few days ago, and seeking his advice. (In my case, trying to decide if the guy in question "like likes" me is rather difficult because we've been communicating via e-mail, and the cues are harder to pick up than if were face to face. Both of us are approaching 40, so we grew up before the advent of the series-of-tubes. And it wasn't an online dating thing, which at least would give me some context.)

So my male buddy gave me the following points:

1) NOBODY is ever "ready to get back out there". (He's just getting over a divorce AND a bad rebound relationship, and I'm still recovering from a pretty confusing romance of my own, several years ago.) Just relax and see what happens.

2) You're a grownup who's already had some relationship experience. Unless the other person is just barely legal in terms of age, both of you should have an idea whether you are comfortable or not, and will act accordingly. Things won't get really serious unless the two of you want it to happen.

3) More on the age thing -- "way younger" isn't as much of a problem these days. It might be an issue if what both of you want is radically different ("not ready to settle down" vs. "ready to settle down"), but from what I've seen, if you want something longterm, it's more important that you agree on things like whether or not you want a family, and financial stuff. And that you like each other, of course. If you're worried about what other people might say if you are dating a guy who is 5, 10, or 20 years younger -- it's none of their business. (I recently caught myself speculating about whether a guy I met who happens to be 6 months younger than me might turn me down on those grounds, and then I started laughing, because if the age difference were in his favour, nobody would bat an eyelid. Talk about a double standard! I concluded that if he did, it would be his loss. And if I turned down a perfectly good date just because he happened to be younger -- I would deserve to be setting around feeling bummed out because I didn't have anyone to go out with.)


Oh, and something else.

You said that you "enjoyed talking to this person a LOT". Well, it's been months since anything like that happened to me -- you should revel in how much fun you had, girl! If you got run over by a bus tomorrow (heaven forbid), would your last thought be, "gee, I wish I hadn't hung out with that guy and chatted with him?" I bet not. I bet you would be thinking, "I wish I'd told him I really liked him."

You are talking to the Queen of Freezing Up. If I had a dollar for every time I wish I'd told people how much I liked their company -- friends, or potential dates -- I'd have a Lear jet parked outside right now.

When you said that when you started thinking about whether he had a thing for you, "Then I could hardly string two words together anymore" -- do you mean, that you find the guy annoying and you were upset to think that he might have a crush on you? From what you said earlier, I don't suspect that's the case. If you're going all giggly and excited at the prospect, that suggests to me that you do like him and are interested in him, even if you don't want to come out and admit it.

So ask him, already!

What's the worst thing that could happen? If he's honest, he'd say that he really liked talking with you, but only wanted to be friends. (And "only" friends does not mean "absolutely no, never". Friends are very important -- I'm almost 40 years old and it's taken me most of my life to learn that. It's way better than "I never liked you and was only pretending to be friendly because I thought I could get something out of it". Trust me -- WAY better.)


Good luck, mzteris. Just take it slow, and enjoy making friends -- whether or not it leads to the "like-like" thing. I'm pullin' for you!

Why not ask him out for dinner. Or if that sounds too serious, coffee or a walk -- or some other common interest. I assume that you've talked long enough with him to find out if he likes movies, art exhibits, monster truck pulls, or whatever. Okay, and if he does the whipped cream thing, or wants to make mad passionate love to you, you'd have a pretty good idea what's on his mind -- yes?

I've heard that the kids today even come out and say specifically on their webpages whether they like-like or just like a certain person -- and whether they are still available. But I'm old-school.


p.s. want to know what I'm doing next week? I was having dinner with friends a while back, and they'd invited a bunch of other people. Among them was a 90-year-old man named "Joseph". Later, my friends told me that "Joseph" had really enjoyed talking to me, and wanted to get to know me. I know that there's not any kind of romantic interest there ... his wife has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home. He is lonely and really wants someone to talk to, who knows about WWII and stuff, and doesn't think old people are boring. My friends are going to introduce me to "Joseph". At first I didn't want to, because he's not been well lately, and I figured I was setting myself up for being devastated if he dies.

And then I thought, "You selfish brat. You're worried about how YOU might feel? How about Joseph? He's afraid of dying alone, and you don't care about what he's going through, after he was brave enough to say that he liked you. And you're always going on about how great it is to have friends, and how much you depend on them?"

So I'm going. And I don't care if people laugh at me, and make "Anna Nicole" jokes, and point out that there's a 50-year age difference. Friends are friends, right?

[mzteris]

30. thank you!

Your post really helped. (I enjoyed reading it, too!)

It gets - er - complicated I suppose - for someone with my history. Not to get too detailed, but - the " It's way better than "I never liked you and was only pretending to be friendly because I thought I could get something out of it"." part of what you said - well, lets just say I can really really relate to that.

But I've also had the very embarassing experience of being forward enough (many years ago) and being very gently turned down. Gaaaaaaaah - I never ever want to go through THAT again, either! :blush:

My soon to be ex is 5 years younger than I am, but I've really started "feeling old" lately. And this guy - well, I'm a terrible judge of age - but he's at least 5 years years, but probably more like 10 years younger. Maybe. I dunno. (Did I mention I have aspie tendencies, folks?)


Thank you again for such a thoughtful response. Maybe I will just ask him to go have a coffee or something. Maybe. In a week or two. Or three. At least I'll think about doing it. Who knows? Maybe I'll even get up the courage to actually do it!

[Lisa]

44. hence my cunning "coffee or a walk" plan, mzteris!

If it's something that innocuous, he can't accuse you of being out to vamp him without looking paranoid. (The only guy who has EVER called me on that kind of invitation DID turn out to have mental health issues, by the way. So I probably saved myself a lot of trouble.)

And if he really is interested in making friends with you (or something beyond that), a guy would see a casual invitation as a golden opportunity. I actually did the "let's go out to a movie" thing with someone at work, who turned me down several times (and because it was "only" a movie, I didn't feel like I was being totally rejected). Then he suddenly started saying yes. (I found out later that he did have a girlfriend but they broke up around the time that he changed his mind ... interesting coincidence!)

I am probably the worst person to give romantic advice, because I've had maybe 3 boyfriends in my whole life, and only one of them was what one might call "serious". So I know what you mean about being ultra-cautious, and about not wanting to be disappointed by rejection.

Re: "terrible judge of age" -- well, once one gets past age 20, the years kind of compress, so eventually even a 10-year difference will seem like a high-school sophomore dating a senior. I know plenty of people a decade older than me who have the same outlook as I do (and in the case of guys, they can be even more kidlike!). And I've also met people in their 20s and 30s who behave like they're in their late 40s. Depends a lot on the individual person, I think.

Please don't worry about "feeling old". I think this is perfectly normal ... when you stop getting older, technically you're dead. I'm not going to give some hackneyed motivational pep talk about "you're only as old as you feel" -- or tell you to get Botox or something. But I think that if someone likes talking to you and doesn't seem to care if you're older than they are, that's a really good sign.

Too bad your new guy isn't elderly! Old men seem to want to confide in me, for some reason.

[RedCappedBandit]

13. Sure as hell beats me..

[davsand]

19. If you have to pry his tongue out of your mouth to go to the potty I think he likes you.

I dunno--maybe I've been married for too long, but it seems to me that would be a pretty strong indicator of his interest...


Anyhow, now that I'm done being a smartass, I will say that I think the biggest mistake I made in the dating world was that I was too worried about dating and not worried enough about having FUN. I'd get all stressed out and then act all strange--and it was the kiss of death. Nobody wants to date a nutjob--ya know?

I had WAY more fun with the men I thought were "off limits" or not a possibility, and that is just wrong. I would suggest that you treat him (and consider him) a guy pal up to the point that you DO have to pry him off you long enough to go to the ladies room--THEN you can worry if he is in LOVE with you or only playing...

:)


Laura

[mzteris]

34. I think I really do just want a "guy pal"

I don't know if I'm afraid he wants to be just that - or more than that.

hmmmm.........

[ThomCat]

23. You're an awesome person.

I hope you can just play it by ear and enjoy his company.

He may not know whether or not he Likes you. He may not want to presure of deciding that right away. But I'm sure he'd still like your company.
:hi:

[mzteris]

35. Thank you!!

:blush:

I don't really want the pressure, either, TC! Thanks for saying that though, just "liking my company" would be just fine with me! (I think.)

[JTG of the PRB]

24. I wouldn't know. As far as I'm aware, nobody has ever "liked" me.

But I think you're neat!

[mzteris]

36. aren't you a sweetie.

:*

edit darn smilies- I can never remember them right!

[Sugar Smack]

26. I've got a crush on a guy at work.

He makes me feel beautiful. He has a great sense of humor and I had the wrong first impression of him. He's about 15 years older than me and I sense he's lonely.

But he did a couple of double-takes today. I was wearing my new lipstick, inspired by him. I think you just know.

[mzteris]

37. I wish I "just knew" -

BTW - you ARE beautiful! Lipstick or no . . .

I hope it all works out for you! :hug:

[Sugar Smack]

40. OOH! You are SWEET!

I'd almost forgotten how much!!!!!:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[RetroLounge]

63. Yes, I like you...

Oh, wait, you didn't ask?

:blush:

RL

[XemaSab]

27. It's the curse of the hot guy

I can have a totally intellegent conversation with a guy... unless I like them. :banghead:

[mzteris]

38. that's it - maybe I just get too warm

and my brain stops working?

:rofl:

[XemaSab]

45. All your blood is going to your... um...

:hide:

[flvegan]

28. I can't believe you aren't taking my hints.

Jeebus, what do I have to do?????

[mzteris]

39. got any vegan whipped cream?

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Deja Q]

29. When they brush up against you and then gfeign it has nothing to do with lookinfg for spare change

:rofl:

[mzteris]

41. but I don't have any pockets!

I'm not sure that excuse would work.

[Chimpy McCokespoon]

31. I am always doubtful...

up until the point they are fallating me.

[Kali]

32. back in second grade it was if they threw rocks at you

you could easily tell the boys that liked you by the rock throwing
after that - say about 7th grade they would send their friends over to ask, then in the 70's "what is your sign?"....after that???? :shrug:

[mzteris]

42. yeah - rock throwing and

'hey baby, what's your sign' - I remember. But now when you're an "oldie" like me?? :(

[Deja Q]

33. It's not about the eyes dilating.

If it was, it's more proof of things.

What things?

Omelets, probably.

Why is the TV turned on? Oh, the player wants me to select another episode of Mayde. I love that show, Mayde.

[mzteris]

43. you sound like me

when I'm trying to carry on a conversation!!

[Indi Guy]

51. Just be yourself -- fear is for pretenders...

[mzteris]

53. you'd think I'd know who I was

by now . . . but to be honest, I'm not really sure anymore.

I've spent the last 15 years "just being a MOM" and not much more.

I was never all that confident in who *I* was before anyway. So being a "mom" was easy because it had very clearly defined roles and rules. When I was young and single - well - there were fairly clearly definied "roles", too, I guess. and I managed to - adapt.

But who am I? Really?

:shrug:

I'm not sure I know.

Fear. Yeah. Pretending? Maybe. I don't know.

I WASN'T in this state before the silly girl told me she thought "he liked" me. THAT's really what/who I want to get back to, though. Which I think was the point of my whole post. Why am I suddenly AFRAID of being "me"?

Part of it now is, the whole time I'm talking there's this other little part of my brain continually talking and analyzing everything - input/output - which inteferes with just acting normally. I want to turn *that* off, I just don't know how.

[0007]

55. Elpaso ..... I think you're thinking too hard

[KitchenWitch]

56. You sound like your in need of what my friends and I call a "clean up hitter"

(using baseball parlance).

A clean up hitter is the person you have your first sexual encounter with after a breakup. In a lot of cases, it is a one-time deal.

The purpose of a clean up hitter is to break the sexual tension for you, so you can think more clearly.

:)

[mzteris]

57. omg -

:rofl:

Evidently, I haven't thought clearly in a really really REALLY long time!

[KitchenWitch]

59. ...

:hug:

It will be okay!

[Wapsie B]

58. Join the club.

I've gotta be hit upside the head with a 2 x 4 before I'll figure it out.

[dembotoz]

60. good luck with that

hard for the guy too
not only do i not know the rules, i can not even find the damn rule book
don't sell yourself short and take care of your own house. I am told that things will fall into place, although i don't know if i really believe that.

[mzteris]

62. "can't find the damn rule book"

:rofl:

ain't that just the truth!

And if I do find it, it'll probably be written in Klingon or Ancient Sanskrit or something else completely incomprehensible to me!

[dembotoz]

67. can't be klingon

or star trek conventions would be the number 1 place to meet the opposite sex
and trekies would be the hottest folks around


live long and prosper

[LeftyMom]

61. I had a harder time getting somebody (cough) to notice my interest

Men don't generally do subtlety well, once I figured that out my life got much easier.

[RetroLounge]

64. If he invites you to his bookstore and reads you poetry?

It's a good sign...

:hi:

RL

[mzteris]

65. Is that an invite???

[RetroLounge]

68. of course...

:hug:

RL

[Starbucks Anarchist]

69. I'm a guy, so I have no idea.

:rofl:

[janx]

70. I understand your situation very well!

It's much like my own. Only I think mine's even worse... ;-)