What's the best way to say no?

[Courtesy Flush]

My wife's niece called and left a message on our machine today. She and her husband want to come to our house for the local festival. We love this neice to death, and she's one of my favorite people, but she's a very poor decision maker.

Problem is -- we don't want her husband in our house. They are approaching their second anniversary. For their first anniversary, he gave her the gift of an emergency room visit with severe bruising, black eyes, and she looked like she'd been strangled, as the whites of her eyes were blackened. Needless to say, we don't care for the lad. We haven't seen him since then, as neice knows not to bring him to family functions. I think she figures we're a soft touch, and we'll be the first to forgive him. She's wrong about that. Trust me.

We've had long talks with her about domestic violence, and she knows the marriage isn't working, but just won't end it. He's mooching off her, and doesn't hold a steady job. She just can't make decisions in her best interest.

It's not our place to tell her what to do with her life, but we decide who is welcome in our home, and it ain't him.

Any suggestions on how to tell her this in a way that might sink in?

[MrCoffee]

1. the hell with tact...the asshole isn't allowed in the house. tell her exactly that

you love her, you'd love to see her, but that rat bastard isn't allowed in your front door.


then go beat the shit out of him for a change. and i'm a non-violent sort of guy. but that needs to happen. give me a call, we'll posse up.

[Courtesy Flush]

3. Who said anything about tact?

I don't care if I'm tactful. But I really wish I had the words to convince her she needs to leave this jerk.

This guy has a few arrests under his belt. I can forgive that. People make mistakes. But he hasn't learned any lessons from his. and continues to plow ahead. He married our niece in a bar. The girl was 21 years old and getting married in a bar. I'm sorry, but I just can't see how that equates to respect for your bride. You have your fifth wedding in a bar. Not your first.

All that we overlooked, but the violence is completely non-negotiable.

I've been married 24 years. Before we got married, I told my wife that if I ever raised a hand to her, she should not give me a second chance, because I wouldn't deserve it. Several years later she recalled that conversation and amended it. She said that if I ever hit her she would kick my ass -- then leave me. And she'd be right to do so.

If you can't respect the person you're married to, you have no foundation.

[Bucky]

2. Straight forward is the best way here. Denial has to be shattered sometimes

The ideal way to tell her this is to wait until they're both on the line and tell them both, "I'm sorry but you can't stay here because we don't like the way your husband beats you up." It's important that not only she know, but that he knows too, that his abuse is an issue with the whole family.

[Raejeanowl]

10. Agreed

Only I might make it slightly stronger. You don't like it because he does it and she allows it, but as far as the peace and sanctity of your HOME goes, you won't TOLERATE it.

[Lautremont]

4. "Nuv-nuv."

Repeat ad infinitum, or until they get the message.

[trof]

5. "You know we'd be glad to see you, but John is not welcome in our home.

And I think you know why."

[Adsos Letter]

6. What trof said...but I would replace "glad" with "love"...

[trof]

7. "love" Is good.

[applegrove]

8. Tell her the asshole isn't allowed in the house.

[redqueen]

9. I'd just put it to her straight.

Something like, "Honey, you know we love you and we'd love to see you and have you stay with us. But you also know how we feel about your abusive husband, so if he's included, then the answer is no. We can't watch you continue to allow him to treat you that way... we love you too much to see that, it hurts to watch."

Probably cheesy, but I'm cheesy, so... :shrug:

Good luck... I know how difficult it can be extricating oneself from that kind of situation, so... *sigh*

[irish.lambchop]

11. Have them both in your home

then take that poor excuse for a man for a walk - tell him the view from behind the woodshed is awesome - take it from there.

[Fire Walk With Me]

12. A fresh trout across the face works wonders.

Grasp by the tail, if you haven't done this before.

[Tyler Durden]

13. Domestic violence calls in this state get executed no matter what.

Personally? I'd let them come, serve him some drinks, let him throw a punch,

THEN CALL THE COPS AND HAVE HIM ARRESTED AND THROWN IN JAIL.