Oh, alcohol!

[helderheid]

My husband sent me this. Enjoy!

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of
yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The
perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even
around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us
when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity.
Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for
a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let
alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big
Italian
meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped
off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese
fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far
this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I
need
to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer
this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely
unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body
mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get
the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility
is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that
if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the
kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover
should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and
would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been
the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much
laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what
to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will
look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour)
on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items
below that I think may be of some interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Agressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.