Things I Learned While Watching Star Trek

[MrScorpio]

- Never, ever let Jim Kirk near a computer... He'll fuck it up just by talking to it.

- A simple bowl of Vulcan Plomeek Soup is very aerodynamic

- Wearing a red tunic puts your career advancement in severe jeopardy

- In space, nobody does the dishes

- Edith Keeler must die


What did you learn?

[Swede]

1. Every time you really,really need some gadget to work,it won't.

:shrug:

[hunter]

74. That's not Star Trek, that's real life.

The one time I really, really needed my car, it caught on fire.

[Oeditpus Rex]

2. Just because one is an excellent starship commander

does not necessarily mean one is a good taxi driver.

Also, the odds of getting a royal fizzbin are astronomical.

[Aristus]

3. I learned...

...that if you reverse the polarity of the plasma conduits, you can extend a tendril of the plasma into the heart of the gaseous anomaly. This will increase negative-radon flux activity by a factor of 500% which will...destroy the anomaly! It...it's crazy, Captain, but it just might work!

B-)

[kedrys]

4. Things I learned while watching Enterprise

- DON'T HELP the aliens. They'll kidnap you, knock you up, carve gouges into your planet or sell you into slavery.

- You have to ride through the turbulence at warp 4.9 to get to warp 5.0. No time to hit the brakes.

- You don't get to actually see the face of the guy who cooks all your food.

- The transporter is really grumpy. Take your chances.

- Cheese-induced dog farts in space smell just as bad as the earth-based ones.

That's about it for now. :P

[Richardo]

5. Warp drive was apparently subcontracted to the Yugo Corporation

"Captain, we dinna hae no powerrrrrr!!"
"What again?"

[kedrys]

6. "But Captain, if we beam down there, it's certain death!"

"It is? OK, let's go!!"

:P

[SeattleGirl]

7. Things I learned from Star Trek:

~You can be assimilated by the Borg, but fight your way back.

~Holograph characters can take over control of the ship, if you're not careful.

~Your matter could get caught in the transporter beam, and you could be stuck in there for years until someone figures out how to re-energize you.

~The Universal Translator rocks! You can speak to any and all species with that thing!

~He's dead, Jim.

[Yavin4]

8. People Speak Perfect English on Every Planet In The Galaxy

Every where they land, every alien race, peferct King's English. Truly remarkable.

[SeattleGirl]

9. See my post above. They can do that because of the Universal Translator.

It's in my book about Star Trek: TNG.

[GreenPartyVoter]

58. Yes,. but the reality is there should be a pause for translation after every statement uttered

but artistic license threw that out the window. :)

[LynneSin]

77. And they all breathe Oxygen

go figure

[Lars39]

10. Stay away from the holodeck!

:scared:

[Swede]

17. The holoshed is on the fritz again?

"Damn, the last time that happened I got slapped with three paternity suits."

[Lars39]

46. lol

:D

[Lars39]

47. lol

:D

[MrScorpio]

11. More Stuff

- Mini-skirts will make a huge comeback in the 23rd Century.

- No need to label any of your blinking buttons. Push any one of them and it'll do exactly what you want it to do.

- In space, all beautiful women have a warm, soft glow surrounding them. Like in Penthouse magazine.

More, people. More!

[philosophie_en_rose]

12. - Resistance isn't that futile.

- The engines are sick to death and they're not going to take it anymore.

- In the future, French people have British accents.

- Violence and sexual harassment are only okay in a Holodeck.

- Ferengi + Borg = Republican

- Somewhere in a parallel universe, you either have a little devil goatee or are a total lesbian nymphomaniac.

[Yavin4]

13. The Prime Directive Is Always Ignored

Like Bush saying that he was against nation bldg in the debates.

[TOhioLiberal]

14. Here's a few...

- Always keep your phaser set on stun.
- Humans are highly illogical.
- There's no such thing as a Vulcan death grip.
- Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is not logical but it is often true.
- Infinite diversity in infinite combinations (IDIC).
- Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).
- Enemies are often invisible - like Klingons, they can be cloaked.
- Don't put all your ranking officers in one shuttle craft.
- If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty.

[SeattleGirl]

15. More:

~The Borg have some sexy women, such as The Borg Queen and Seven of Nine.

~Klingon men like Worf are sexy as hell.

~Inter-species relationships are the norm.

[MilesColtrane]

16. What I learned....

Leonard McCoy is a doctor, not a Moon shuttle conductor, bricklayer, mechanic, engineer, physicist, escalator, miracle worker, coal miner, or a psychiatrist.

James T. Kirk must have some kind of Penile Universal Adaptor, because if an alien has a vagina, he will find a way to tap it.

Vulcans never lie. Spock, on the other hand, could tell T'Pau that her dress doesn't make her butt look big because he's half human.

Scotty was a lush, but good with his hands.

Walter Koenig has the greatest scream in the history of television.

There's good overacting (Shatner), and bad overacting (Avery Brooks).

Sulu was totally gay.

[Richardo]

19. Great list

:rofl:

[China_cat]

34. Yeah, but Avery Brooks voice makes up for a lot.

[Kutjara]

35. It should. It cost him a fortune at the...

..."James Earl Jones College of Portentious Diction." He had to take all those extension courses in long pauses and piercing gazes too. That stuff quickly adds up.

[Rabrrrrrr]

18. That RIck Berman is the anti-Midas -- everything he touches turns to shit.

Fucking criminal.

[BlueIris]

20. 1. If you're an impregnable humanoid, consider sleeping with a diaphragm in every night,

(or whatever the 24th century equivalent of a diaphragm is) or else you might wind up getting inseminated by an alien that grows 1,000 times as fast as an offspring of your species then have to give birth to it with armed guards and an android hanging around staring, only to find yourself in charge of a full grown adolescent by the end of the following day. That'd be messed up, man.

2. Holodeck addiction is real. Make sure you know how to find some sort of Holodeck Addicts Anonymous group before getting on a starship or else.

3. The only stupider plot device than an ugly, precocious pseudo-genius is an ugly, precocious pseudo-genius with "'acting ensign'" status and way too much screen time.

4. Replicators rule. Starships are paradise for people who don't like to cook.

5. If you are female, make sure you choose the most elaborate and impractical hairstyle and hair adornments possible before leaving your cabin each morning. You know, because it's important to look hawt for all those exotic asteroids out there in space and stuff.

[Kali]

21. You sure as hell don't want to be the one irregular crew-member

to beam down or guest on the show 'cause you gonna be daid.

[idgiehkt]

38. oops posted in wrong place

[GoddessOfGuinness]

22. Never trust a guy named Mudd.

[Swede]

23. And,oh yeah,set phasers on caress.

[Blue_Tires]

73. alien sex rocks!

[MrScorpio]

24. Even more...

- Incredibly powerful alien creatures think of human beings as quaint little toys... Until we find a way to fuck their shit up.

- Those green bitches are a addictive as heroin

- Going back in time is as easy as heading down to the 7-11

[skygazer]

25. If you really need warp drive, it's sure to go down

If you really need the transporter, it's either not working or "the metaphasic radiation coming off the planet is interfering with it."

Ditto with sensors or any other ship's systems.

In fact, the ship can take an incredible pounding but one small jolt will kill most crucial systems.

[BlueIris]

26. 6. Chessboards are more fun with layers.

7. Run, do not walk, away from hypersexual middle-aged Betazoids.

8. The dumber an alien seems, the more trouble it will cause you.

9. Never get involved in a turf war in the Gamma Quadrant.

10. Vulcan mind-melds aren't for sissypants.

[SeattleGirl]

27. Another one:

Vulcans CAN get emotional. However, when that happens, it turns out they have a disease.

[Richardo]

28. ...or, it's mating time

:scared:

[SeattleGirl]

29. Isn't it the Klingon's who get REALLY intense when it's time to mate?

I actually rather like that intenseness......

[Richardo]

31. I don't know - I only watched the 60's version

:shrug:

[SeattleGirl]

32. My fav is The Next Generation.

And Worf is my kinda guy! :hide:

[Richardo]

30. If it's seemingly an omnipotent energy being, it's really a 13-year old with a nagging Mom...

:)

[flying rabbit]

33. There are strange dynamics everywhere...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uxTpyCdriY

[GaYellowDawg]

36. Gas is bad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcwOuaJ_fSw

[krispos42]

37. Khaaaaaaaan!!!!!!

http://www.khaaan.com/

[idgiehkt]

39. even though there is no air in space there is plenty of turbulence

somehow. :shrug:

(oh we are supposed to believe that the enemy spaceship just unloaded it's weapons on enterprise and only managed to rock it back and forth a bit....



also if there is a compromise in structural integrity you have plenty of time to discuss it and yell about it before the spaceship implodes.

[qdemn7]

40. In Space... no one can see you take a piss

Because there there are no toilets, or urinals.

[Xithras]

56. Of course there were toilets on the Enterprise.

Here are the plans for the bridge of the Enterprise D: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Rampart/5407/deck01_1.htm, and you'll notice not one, but two heads. If you're bored and want to go through all of the blueprints, there are quite a few more throughout the ship.

FWIW, the blueprints were created by the technical advisors to the newer Trek series' to ensure consistency during filming. They didn't want the captains quarters to be on the left side of the ship in one episode, and at the right side in another, so they created plans for the ship and referenced them. There are a whole series of technical guides avaliable to anyone who wants to review any of the ships in the Trek series'.

And they all included heads (it's a ship, therefore the bathrooms are heads).

/geek

[YankeyMCC]

41. "All I really need to know I learned from watching Star Trek"

by Dave Marinaccio

I own this book :)

"Never put all your senior officers in one shuttle craft."

[Kutjara]

42. All major ship systems are powered by steam.

You only have to look at a scene in which the most minor damage is done to a starship, and plumes of steam jet fron "supposedly" electronic, optronic or bioneural gel-paks. No explanation is ever given as to why the bridges of 23-24th Century starships are extensively layered in piping that would have made Isembard kingdom Brunell blush. Maybe some designer at Utopia Planatia had a Jules Verne fixation.

[Richardo]

43. Corrollary: Torpedo hits = Falling plaster dust on the bridge

Star Fleet crews include drywall installers?

[Kutjara]

44. LOL! Indeed, You can just imagine the contractor turning up...

...and sucking his teeth while saying "oooh, I dunno pal. Lot of damage here. You want the clear dome thinging put back up there, right?" "Er, yes, we'd like the ship returned to spec." "Well mate, there's spec and then theres spec." How bout you let a little of this decorative foofery slide and we can set up a very nice sound system in your quarters. Ever had a "babe lair, son?" "No I haven't, but I'm sure it's against regulations." "Tell you what: we'll set up a demo model in your quarters tonight. If, by next Tuesday, you aren't hip-deep in the finest intergalactic totty available, you can keep the whole setup, no charge. Now I can't do better than that. Whaddaya say?" "Yes pleeeeease." "Good lad. So we can forget about all this "atmospheric leak" and "biocontainment breach" nonsense, can't we?" "Ye...Yes, there's no need for any of that to be brought to the captain's attention. How many girls do you think I'll be able to meet tonight?" "Dozens, my son, dozens."

[qdemn7]

48. That's not steam it's PLASMA.

As in Electro-Plasma System (EPS).

[soleft]

45. That I was gay

seriously

[texas1928]

49. Scotty is a big fat liar.

He is always saying he can't give any more power but he always does.
He is always saying she can't take any more, and she always does.
He says he can not fix it, but he always does.

Man can't this man just admit he is a genius.

[Akoto]

55. Scotty mentioned that in TNG ...

He explained to Geordi that you never tell the Captain how much time it'll really take to fix something. That way, it'll look like you got things done way ahead of schedule.

God, I miss James Doohan. He was the best. He was so friendly. At conventions, you could just feel how much he genuinely enjoyed being among the Trekkies. :(

[cloudbase]

62. Stuff like this has been going on in

the merchant marine since the first steamship. The lesson is that while the captain gets the glory, it's the chief engineer that will bail your ass out every time.

If it weren't for the engineers, everybody would be adrift in the dark and shitting in a bucket.

[terrya]

60. "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is apparently in force in Starfleet

300 years in the future and they can't have any gay or lesbian Starfleet personel?

[underpants]

50. Floyd transcends time and space

It's on the last page here.
"Star Trek visits Mayberry"
http://www.mayberry.com/tagsrwc/wbmutbb/startrek/city3.htm

[skygazer]

51. Though Romulan Ale is illegal, everyone has some

The only music anyone will listen to in the future is jazz, or possibly some classical.

There is no such thing as relaxing entertainment, like watching a movie - everything involves elaborate holodeck games featuring characters that will run amuck and take over the ship.

All the senior officers must go on dangerous away missions together.

[Alexander]

66. Was Romulan Ale supposed to be the Star Trek marijuana?

-It's illegal, with no explanation as to why.

-Everyone uses it anyway.

-Even Klingons get fucked up on it.

-McCoy says in The Wrath Of Khan - "I only use it for medicinal purposes".

-It's implied that doctors can get hooked up with the stuff fairly easily.

[Parche]

52. Star Trek

That Gorns cant speak very well..........



Learned how to speculate, but really miscalculated




Learned that Tellerites really like to argue, but make good bacon




Learned how to play chess, but forgot the move queen to kings level 3?

That Sulu was actually born on the planet Uranus

:hi:

[EstimatedProphet]

53. My list:

Red clothing should be made illegal on the grounds of attempted murder.

People can be accidentally split into 2 identical halves using the transporter, apprently just because someone dropped some yellowish dyed flour. The 2 halves will represent the 'good' and the 'evil' of the original person. Apparently better acting ability isn't included in either one.

Spaceships always meet right-side up.

When travelling through space at multiple times the speed of light, if some object/enemy adversary/anomaly runs into or attacks the ship, everyone will be tossed around as if they are only moving at about 1 1/2 g.

Aliens are strangely in the range of human-sized, with humanlike features. Most only differ from real humans by some sort of facial feature, like a brow ridge or different ears.

Planets always look strangely fuzzy and have nondescript geographic features from orbit.

[idgiehkt]

57. Brilliant!

:rofl:

I love this one:

When travelling through space at multiple times the speed of light, if some object/enemy adversary/anomaly runs into or attacks the ship, everyone will be tossed around as if they are only moving at about 1 1/2 g.

Hence no seatbelts.

[liontamer]

75. some of those have explanations

"Spaceships always meet right-side up." We're all using the same coordinate system. Sure you could move a giant inter system ship around in an upside down orientation, but why would you bother?
"Aliens are strangely in the range of human-sized, with humanlike features. ..." Turns out we're all descended from the same organism. We're seeded on different planets and so develop slight variations but all the humanoid species are related. (This does not of course apply to non humanoid organisms such as changelings and Q)

[NaturalHigh]

54. Beverly Crusher is hot...

but her son is a dork.

[GreenPartyVoter]

59. I learned what kind of future I hope for us.. Well, minus the

nuclear war. :)

[Xipe Totec]

61. Revenge is a dish that is best served cold

Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold in space.



- Khan Noonian Singh

[Throd]

63. All women will have pointy boobs for some reason

[Ivan Sputnik]

64. "Things are only impossible until they're not"

and "Sometimes you just have to bow to the absurd."
--Jean-Luc Picard

[Alexander]

65. Every single fistfight involves getting your shirt ripped.

Also, Tiberius begins with an "R".

[KG]

67. alien females have vaginas

[eyepaddle]

71. And How!!!!!

[JTG of the PRB]

68. Time travel is impossible.

UNLESS...

- There is a mysterious gateway that just happens to show you scenes from Earth's past.

- You accelerate to maximum warp (in excess of Warp 9.98) and do a slingshot around the sun.

- You slingshot around the sun AGAIN, go back in time, get some whales, and do the slingshot one MORE time.

- Romulan weapons fire destabilizes the space-time continuum, creating a temporal rift and pushing your ship into an alternate time line created when your ship disappeared into the temporal anomaly.

- You discover a planet on which aliens may be traveling into Earth's past, you use your android's phase discriminator to travel through a time portal and reappear on Earth 500 years earlier.

- Q decides to judge you by flinging your consciousness back and forth through three different time periods to see if you can undo the damage you caused as you were trying to discover the cause of the damage that was only around because Q decided to test you and you went searching for the cause of the damage, thereby causing the damage Q told you to look for.

- A Borg sphere emanates chroniton particles in an attempt to travel back in time to assimilate Earth, and your ship gets caught in the temporal wake.

- Your ship passes through a random field of chroniton particles and when you activate the transporter, your molecules are beamed through the chronitons and you are sent back in time.

- You find a Bajoran orb that sees fit to send you back in time to a deep space station that becomes overrun by purring little hairballs that are born pregnant.

- Some time ship from the 29th Century wants to destroy you, you fight back, and are thrown into a temporal vortex that just happens to lead to the planet Earth and the year 1996.

- You have a temporal-based weapon that can wipe out civilizations because you're a little obsessed with getting your wife back.

- Something else about a 29th Century time ship, beaming through time to find a temporal bomb, and three Captain Braxtons.

- You steal Klingon technology that can evidently send you back in time 30 years so you can get your ship and its crew home earlier because a couple people died. Pfft.

- You are somehow involved in some bullshit about a temporal cold war.

You see? Time travel is impossible*!







*: Impossible is a subjective term and may not be accurate.

[baldguy]

69. Always pad your estimates by at least a factor of 2

If you think a job will take you an hour, tell your boss it'll take two hours. If a part will fail in 20 minutes, tell him it'll explode in ten.

How else to keep your reputation as a miracle worker?

[eyepaddle]

70. 2 things that haven't been covered: first

Worf is tough as hell--unless you really need him. He's the Arlen Specter of hired muscle.

And two; in the 24th century, inertial dampers STILL suck! C'mon, Detroit, where are reliable inertial dampers?

[JTG of the PRB]

72. "... the Arlen Specter of hired muscle."

:spray:

Now THAT'S comedy!

:rofl:

[Smooth Operator]

76. the height of bad form

never fart in the Betazoid communal mud bath. Klingon anal vapors can make dilithium crystals break down to fondue cheese.