Domestic Abuse in the gay community, and overcoming an abusive relationship.

[Lil Missy]

I am fresh out of an abusive relationship that lasted 2 years. I questioned where to post this, as to some degree this falls under Women’s Issues, and to some degree the GLBT forum. Neither are perfectly appropriate because Domestic Abuse usually involves a male abuser in a hetero situation, and Domestic Abuse is not exclusive to the gay community either. So I start this in the Lounge instead.

I am a woman that was abused by another woman, emotionally, and physically for most of the past 2 years. If that is not humiliating enough, she was 17 years younger than me. And half my size! She left this house 15 days ago under the unfortunate condition that she could leave here immediately and voluntarily, or be carried out of here by the Police and in handcuffs. (The latter being exactly how she departed here on 3 other occasions in the past. – kicking and screaming and making an ass of herself)

How in good goddamn hell did I end up in a position like that. I am trying so hard to collect the pieces of the last 2 years and figure out how I allowed myself to be treated like shit, over and over again. It’s not as if I am a sissy or a coward that invites someone to physically abuse me and hold me hostage emotionally so I can blubber and cower. In fact, I stood my ground every time she harmed me and insisted that I wound not kiss her ass and relent to her way. I made it clear that I was not going to back down because of her hysteria or physical threats. And that got me a good beating a couple times too.

Why didn’t I defend myself better? Or just slap the shit out of her in self defense when she attacked or threatened me first?? The only thing I have really resolved about myself in that sense so far is that I simply do not have the mindset to harm her or anyone else physically like that. And really now, I am so not interested in doing stupid immature shit like involving myself in a physical confrontation, or especially a bitch fight.

So I always let it run it’s course with her, as most times she would come to her senses and become remorseful, to the point of suicidal. There were 3 of those times that I saw no end in sight and the Police were involved, and 2 other times where she allowed me to take her to ER for suicide prevention. Oh, and there’s that one time I called her parents in the middle of the night to help me get her under control and not slash her wrists. (Geeze, as I write this out it sounds worse than I realized.)

Why did I allow all of this?? WTF was I thinking?? And that is not to mention all the mentally controlling gestures like my not being allowed to have friends outside of our relationship. The jealousy was so endless and ridiculous. I couldn’t even visit my own sister. And then she was jealous of attention or care I paid to my own fucking pets! Good god, why did I put up with such oppressive shit.

I know why, it’s because I was an idiot. I loved her very much and I have no doubt she loved me too. She is usually the most sensitive, kind, thoughtful and caring person you could ever meet. She did agree to get psychiatric help for a while, and with testing was diagnosed with a myriad of disorders including Explosive Personality Disorder and Bi-Polar Disorder. She took the meds and the counseling for a while and actually did quite well for several months. But then she quit; said it was an unnecessary expense, and then proceeded to take on a mission to control and manage me to fit around her needs and expectations. A futile endeavor, because then she kept changing the rules and expectations for me, thus to make sure that I could never do anything right anymore. I guess that way she could blame me for her faults and failures instead of changing her own behavior.

A couple weeks ago, we had already decided to part ways. So we were biding time and working out finances so that we could have a clean slate on who would pay what and she could save up to get settled in her place. Never wanting to miss an opportunity for drama and control, she sat here in MY FUCKING LIVING ROOM, as a temporary guest at that point, and DEMANDED that I sign some contracts she sat there and wrote out in dramatic and hysterical fashion. Stuff that we had already agreed upon in civil and quiet fashion a couple hours before.

I’ll be goddamned, she got all hysterical and demanded that I sign her written statements immediately, without barely a chance to read them, else she would “beat the fuck” out of me. Told me to take off my glasses so she could belt me. Something in me just exploded. I’ve had enough of this shit. I remained calm, went to take a bath, and came back with a counter offer.

After my bath, I first handed my mother the phone and told her to call 911 if I gave the word, because I was about to get beat up again. (My mate in the other room heard me say that.) Then I sat next to my soon to be ex and plopped my glasses down on the coffee table and told her I was ready for her to “beat the fuck” out of me. She didn’t move, but just glared. I then suggested an alternative that I would be given the opportunity to read the papers, and if it were true to what we had already agreed, I would sign them immediately under the condition that she would pack her bags and stay somewhere else that night and from thereon.

She put up a fuss about not having a place to stay, but I countered that she is too disruptive and just threatened me for the last time and that she is no longer welcome in this house. She could instead “beat the fuck” out of me, in which case I would not sign her note, and she’d be carried out of here in handcuffs again. She took the deal and left crying.

I didn’t want it to end on such a harsh note. I really did love her, and probably do still. And it killed me that she probably had to sleep in her car for a couple days. I was worried sick about her. But I am not her goddamned parent and I am sick to death of tantrums and drama in my own home. I am sick to fucking death of feeling guilty because SHE cannot behave like and adult or a lady and makes poor choices. And I am very done and over being treated like shit over trivial nonsense.

I think I’ll go do that emotionally cleansing bath thing again now. My life is taking on a new mindset from now on. I’ve been in PTSD mode for the lat 2 weeks and I am done with this. Stick a fork in it.

[Bunny]

1. Dear god stop being so hard on yourself.

All kinds of strong women get caught up in abusive relationships. Drop the "I'm an idiot" line of thinking - until you do, you won't be able to arrive at any real answers to your questions. I'm glad that you've escaped that situation, it sounds like it was awful.

[MrScorpio]

2. You're the victim here

Do not blame yourself

Please talk to a therapist soon

[skygazer]

3. I know exactly how you feel

It's all very well for people to point out that you're the victim and that you have nothing to feel bad for. It's another thing to really feel it.

Abusive partners abuse in ways so far beyond the physical or verbal. It's so psychological and you don't see it until it's this huge elephant in the room. And then you feel shame because you know you're a strong and sensible person and this should never have happened to you.

And you love them. You've invested so much in them and you want so badly to believe them when they say they'll change or that they're sorry. It takes a lot to finally do what you've done and I do understand because I spent 8 years with a man who treated me like shit. The first three were spent trying to figure out how I could behave in such a way that he would change. The last five were spent in fear of leaving him.

I spent a lot of time after I did feeling ashamed and guilty for letting it happen. I know now that he played me like a fish. He played on the fact that I'm not like him, and on the fact that I loved him. I still believe that in his odd, warped way he loved me too but I don't need love like that. Nor do you.

I'm glad you did what you did. Remain strong. Some of us do understand. Lots of us, actually. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

6. You know what sky gazer?

I think you have responded and related to every one of the very few threads I have done in my short tenure here. And while my time for participating here was restricted while she was here, I still read often and most of the time align with your posts on other topics. Must be some kind of a cosmic connection.

What strikes me so much about your response is the thing about being affected so far beyond the physical or verbal aspect. It was so gradual for me even though I can look back and see many red flags before she moved in here. I think the CONTROL is what wore me down the most. I didn't have to acquiesce to her crap but she could sure make my life miserable with the fear and anticipation that another "episode" could appear out of the blue and over something that seemed so innocuous to me.

The slightest act on my part could end up in a major explosion or hysterical fit, and I never had any clue beforehand that it would set her off in a tirade or result in a physical confrontation. I was constantly on eggshells and had to weigh and measure my every comment and deed for fear something would set her off.

We even talked about that, and she was always so apologetic and remorseful, but all her apologies were for not because she would do it again and again. There is just no logic or reasoning with someone like that. And the worst part is that I don't think she could help herself or control it anymore than I could. Bi Polar and Explosive Disease take on a life of it's own. I really think she does feel helpless over it and would prefer suicide.

And maybe that is what will happen in the end. Suicide. I just don't want it on my watch anymore. It makes me feel so angry and humiliated to get flowers or a dozen balloons at work when I am sitting there with fresh bruises and can't move my neck or arm because it is so injured and sore. It's embarrassing. People are not stupid - when I just took another vacation day because I am so upset with her hysteria and choking me half to death, and then having the police here to take her off again and then having to call her mother in the morning and deal with her too.

Perhaps you also know the ultimate embarrassment of going to a Judge to drop the restraining order that they automatically file when someone is arrested for domestic abuse. After the last time I had a DA call me and rip me a new asshole because he could not press his case as I had allowed her to move back here after a couple months. He told me I deserved what I got from now on and that he was going to advise the Police not to take calls from my residence anymore. He said she was probably going to kill me next time and it was my own fault.

I can understand the frustration he and other people felt when I would give her another chance. I lost friends over it. But his hostility toward me just made me feel like I had 2 abusers now, instead of just one. But, I know he felt helpless too, because I was preventing him from doing his job after I asked for help by calling the Police when it didn't seem like the hysteria and abuse had an end in sight.

[ismnotwasm]

4. There is not enough support for victims

of Intimate partner violence. I attended a forensic nursing conference several months ago (a branch of nursing I plan on getting to get into) The speakers on intimate partner violence included one from the GLBT community. She spoke of general misunderstanding and lack of support, as well as the stereotypes. For instance, if you look "butch" police are more likely to dismiss the violence. She also said in my community there is NO shelter for Male victims of intimate partner violence, many of who are Gay men. There is actually an "underground railroad" of a sort to save the lives of men who are in imminent danger of losing their lives.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you find the help and support you need. Know that there are people out here who care, and are aware of the violence in the GLBT community, and are working to provide more support, more education, more understanding.

When you measure how much you love by the pain you are feeling whether it's physical or emotional, something is very, very wrong.

[Lil Missy]

8. Rings true, and right between the eyes ....

"When you measure how much you love by the pain you are feeling whether it's physical or emotional, something is very, very wrong."

Interesting comments about violence in the the GLBT Community. I think the issues is much worse and common in the male GLBT Community. And I have met a few male survivors.

[SKKY]

5. Here's the lyrics to a song that reminds me of your situation...

I really hope you're able to turn your back on this person and walk away for good because that's the only course of action that I think could avoid something worse happening. She doesn't love you- if she did, how could she do these things? How can someone threaten to "beat the fuck" our of someone they love? One line of your post strikes me- "And I am very done and over being treated like shit over trivial nonsense." It should read, "And I am very done and over being treated like shit." I would recommend you get counseling to help you with the feelings you're having, and to help you avoid this ever happening again. I think there's also some self-esteem issues working there that need to be addressed. Either way, she's obviously a lost cause, but you've got hope! And you've already taken the all-important first step, but just make sure you take the next step, and the next, and the next. Before long, you'll be running again! :hi:



"Joey" - Concrete Blonde

Joey, baby - don't get crazy
Detours. Fences... I get defensive
I know you've heard it all before -
so I don't say it anymore
I just stand by and let you
fight your secret war.
And though I used to wonder why -
I used to cry till I was dry.
Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside
Joey, if you're hurting so am I

Joey, honey - I've got the money
All is forgiven. Listen, listen
And if I seem to be confused
I didn't mean to be with you
And when you said I scared you,
well I guess you scared me too
But we got lucky once before
And I don't wanna close the door
And if you're somewhere out there
passed out on the floor.
Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore

And if I seem to be confused
I didn't mean to be with you
but when you said I scared you,
well I guess you scared me too
But if its love you're looking for
Then i can give a little more
And if you're somewhere drunk and
passed out on the floor
Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore

[eyepaddle]

7. Let me offer a sympathetic hug (as the first order of business)

:hug:

And also know that you are not an idiot--not by any means While I've never been physically abused by a partner, I've certainly been put through the emotional wringer (you can search my username and the "girlfriend" in the archives from this last spring to see how I had a barely contained meltdown.

It was also the fourth time almost the exact smae thing to me. Why would I keep putting myself in a position to get demolished and humiliated like I did? My first conclusion was that I was an idiot. To be honest I actually wrote an essay about my history of troubles (my girlfriends ALWAYS move on to date one of my best friends--this is a pattern which has gone on for 15 years now.) At any rate, when I read the essay back, it reads very much like you post; a lot of blame and self-recrimination. I think it's only natural to blame yourself when you feel as bad as you no doubt do. I'll wager you will ome to the same conclusion I eventually did--namely you are not an idiot, and you are not to blame.

But don't take my word for it, there are a lot of professional resources to help people in trauma like this--I started with that employee help line, and went on to see a therapist. It helps.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

12. Thanks for the words of advice

I think I will see if they have the Employee Assistance Program at my new job. I used to get all kinds of papers and brochures from that local Domestic Abuse place each time she was arrested. I recall a list of signs to look for in an abusive relationship that fit our situation well.

I think I'll be okay. Making that final decision to get her out of here a couple weeks ago and sticking with it has been very empowering. I need to tweak my self esteem back to my old self now.

[Ellen Forradalom]

9. Well done.

All kinds of people, well people, sick people, and everyone in between, wind up in abusive situations. Your situation did not last a lifetime; you put a stop to it firmly and in an adult manner. You loved her, which is honorable in itself, and you recognize what is
good in her, which is right; you were overwhelmed by the bad, and you recognized it had to end. You have nothing to reproach yourself.

I am very sorry her bipolar disorder is going untreated. That is a real life-destroyer. If it helps, hate the disease but not her.

[Lil Missy]

10. Oh, I don't hate her. Not at all.

She is a very good and tender hearted woman with so much to give.

It's the disease. She can't help herself, but I know there is a good person underneath the disease. Bottom line for me is that she refuses treatment or any form of helping herself. I wash my hands of this. It's not tolerable anymore, and not my problem to fix.
.

[Lil Missy]

11. Moving on ... the positive things I can look forward to now.

I have a new life now, and much to look forward to:

I can now talk or email my own friends. I am now allowed to HAVE other friends.

I can eat when I want, sleep when I want, and get up when I want. My own biological clock was working fine 2 years ago, and it will be just fine again.

I won't have to miss another day of work because of hysteria and crisis under my roof the night before.

I won't have to see the chiropractor periodically anymore because I got my neck wrenched in an explosive fit.

I won't have to ignore my pets that I adore anymore, or sneak them some attention on the side because of jealousy with attention. (That was so fucking childish and immature anyway. Pisses me off)

I don't have to live with 2 different sets of rules for me and for "us". For example, I run all my own errands for myself and my mom, but had to tag along for her to do hers.)

I don't have to walk on eggshells for fear some petty thing will cause an attack, or at the very least an hysterical outburst.

I never again have to endure another apology that I know is only a temporary band aid to allow her to do the same damn thing again.

I will never again be embarrassed with flowers at work after an abusive episode.

I get all my dresser and closet space back soon.

I can watch and follow politics all I want. (She hated politics, and it was forgotten.)

And most especially, I can watch Keith Olberman's Show now!!!!!

Life is good ..

[BlueIris]

13. Please consider long-term therapy.

Emotionally cleansing baths are great, this I know, but you probably do have PTSD from the assaults and other traumas. Also, you have some self-worth issues you need to resolve. The Lounge is a great place to vent but it isn't a doctor's office. Good luck.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

14. contact antiviolence project and see if they can refer you to someone

who is sensitive about violence within the gay community.

my thoughts go out to you.