My last night with Dad, dying of congestive heart failure with Altzheimers

[skip fox]

I wouldn't call him Daddy from the age of seven
at least in anyone's hearing including his if I was that kind
of poet this would be that kind of poem but neither of us
believed the other knew what was or wasn't the operative
intelligence in whatever anyone might call a life and actually
live "Your head must be swimming" he said the last time I
showed him work he was my first pronoun why not my
first question last night the lonely and most lovely of my life
I helped my mother wipe his ass held him up damned near
carried him from recliner to wheelchair then to bed stroked
his hand and cheek rubbed his shoulder helped my sister change
him enlarged the hole in the retractable penal catheter massaged
his abdomen until the helmet appeared pulled it out checked
for redness at the slit and on the other spot placed the head
and as much of the cock as I could through the hole and into the bag
pressed down on the adhesive round the base "window-paned"
the diameter sat there and talked to him listened carefully down the well
of his distress as he responded in gasping exhalations of from one-
to-four syllables to voices or shapes out of mirror-glossy horror in long
hours after sundown and pill-induced initial sleep tossing tossing in sleep-
distress his head rolling up blankets pushing his pillow to his side then
pushing it over the rail grasping my hand with surprising strength
scratching his head or the backs of his hands with eyes barely closed
and jumping to voices out of the glossy darkness telling him in effect
that it was all over except for the laughs twisted into misery like
the fabric of existence is a ghastly joke tossed into a cosmos
spinning itself apart no that's not it what did he say "No no no
(gasp) no no" "Oh my God, (gasp) oh my God" once "Forgive
(gasp) me Forgive me" and an "Okay (gasp) Okay (gasp) Let's
go (gasp) Let's go" multiple "I'm ready's" once "I wanta (gasp) die
(gasp) I wanta die (gasp I just (gasp) wanta die" twice "I don't (gasp) know
(gasp whether (gasp) to shit (gasp) to shit (gasp) or to get off (gasp) the
pot" at least one time of which he could actually have been referring to
what he was doing as we found out later once something like" I'm stuck
(gasp) I'm stuck (gasp) I can't go (gasp) forward (gasp) and I can't (gasp) go
back" all this time I sat in the wheelchair beside him or occasionally
in the living room's recliner and tried to sleep in the four-to-ten-minute-
interval outbursts or bizarre activity with pillow and blankets I remember
Nan coming up the stairs saying "Poor Daddy" so sweetly sad and soft we
changed him and then she sat with him until nearly five when I relieved
her until six-thirty during period which his cries and pleas and groans
of despair came in supplements of approximately three every five
minutes sometimes more in the hour and a half before we got him up
an hour out responding to his cries I said "It's okay Daddy I'm here"
and he said "That (gasp) helps That helps (gasp) Really (gasp) helps"
thinking the tone sarcastic I said "Well I am"or maybe "Regardless" and he
looked at me and said "No no (gasp) I mean it Skip (gasp) It really
(gasp) helps (gasp) I'm (gasp) glad (gasp) you're here" gasping for breath
congestive heart failure and Alzheimer's the wicked double whammy
profound physical breakdown and sudden decline may be a mercy to be cast
into a disease terrible to die from in lieu of an existence worse than living
lost to his life himself not to put too fine a turn on it forty minutes out he
asked demanding agitated "What are we doing (gasp) What are we
(gasp) going to do" and "What are the plans (gasp) What are the plans
(gasp) I just wanta (gasp) know (gasp) what are (gasp) the plans" "Well Daddy
in forty minutes Nan and I will get you up and into to your chair and cover
you so you'll be warm and we'll get you tea" all of which with Mom
and Judy's help we did and more and he responded calmly "Forty minutes
(gasp) I can do (gasp) that" and twenty minutes out in response to general
agitation probably moaning something like "Oh shit (gasp) Oh shit (gasp) Shit"
or "No (gasp) No (gasp) No no" such flashes every minute or so I told him what
we'd do in twenty minutes using the same formulation and again it calmed him
fifteen minutes before we got him up I asked him to be patient and he said
"I don't wanta (gasp) be patient (gasp) I don't wanta (gasp) be patient" I said
"You can try to be patient Remember the patience we had when we used to
fish" and he nodded his head so I went on into the cleaning bench by the pump-
shed two guys scaling two filleting and one running about cleaning carrying
packs to freezers and pulling more fish off the lines such sometimes was the
magnitude of our catch rock bass and perch and he said in his short bursts "We
sure had (gasp) some good times (gasp) didn't we (gasp) didn't we (gasp) Son" and
I said something like "We sure did" and he said "And there'll (gasp) there'll be
(gasp) be more (gasp) in (gasp) the future" weakly waving his hand and falling into
a sleep that lasted over three minutes as I turned and tried to suppress my sobs

[myrna minx]

1. As I wipe tears from my eyes, I want to wish

you my deepest sympathies.

[gWbush is Mabus]

2. I am so very sorry for your loss.

[GOPisEvil]

3. That was a very moving piece, Skip. My condolences to you and your family.

[Fovea]

4. You are what every sick and frightened person

dreams of.

Thank you for that.

[xchrom]

reminds me of my guma

it's how she died.
brutal and very real --

[BigBadDaddy-O]

5. I lost my father about six months ago.

I think of him everyday, but it is time for me to be strong like he tought me to be.









But I still miss him, even if he did give me a hard time.
Love you Dad!

[greatauntoftriplets]

6. Great piece, skip fox.

I am very sorry about your loss.

[commander bunnypants]

7. Take care my friend

DDQM

[skip fox]

8. He's still barely hanging on, but

this was my last night with him (ended yesterday morning) because I had to head back from North Carolina to Louisiana to teach some classes &c. I might have to head back tomorrow morning. I don't know. So damned sad.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

9. I am in tears reading this

Not just for the impending loss of your father and your passionate communication, but because I relived my own father's last night in his body reading this. It was very much like this and your words put me in that space.

Skip, I am SO sorry for all you have been through. It is hard but opens a huge space in one's heart. I have always felt a fondness for you but am closer through reading this.

I have been where you have been with the feeding, changing, toilet stuff, transfers to the wheelchair and the finale.

Your father got to feel the ULTIMATE respect from you. The respect that goes with knowing his son could give him what he needed when he needed it most.

My heartfelt condolences. When he finally goes, it won't be any less of a loss.

You have been in my thoughts this whole time.

Peace...Teena

[diamond14]

10. many people turn their backs on their own dying relatives...you are

strong, and you did the right thing...and you can always be proud of that....knowing that your actions comforted your dying father...

I cared for my dying mother in the last 9 months of her life....it was the highest mountain that I ever climbed....I held her in my arms as she checked out....all of my brothers and sisters had abandoned her....there was just me and my Dad....we both prayed together, each holding one of her hands as she got colder and colder...I spoke to her continuously...and then I told my Mom...that I had to let go....that I was putting her hand...into the Hand of God, who was reaching for her at that very moment....


my condolances are with you...but like my Mother, I'm am certain that you realize his death takes him to a better place, and out of his misery....you gave your Father the most wonderful gift that a son can give...DEATH with DIGNITY....

[cosmicdot]

11. . . .

:hug:

[asjr]

12. I lost my mother to

Alzheimers in 1994 and was 900 miles away when she died. I only wish I could have been there with her even though she had long forgotten who I am. My heart goes out to you.

[Mikimouse]

13. Beautiful sentiments, very sad to lose your Dad...

I am sending you the only thing I can, my very best wishes and condolences. You would be the kind of son any father would be proud of. As the son of an elderly father, I know that I will probably have to face a similar scenario pretty soon, and my hope is that I will have one tenth of your strength and compassion.

[nini]

14. HUGS to you - I can hardly see through my tears to type this

This sounds just like my dad's dying. My God, the lines about not wanting to be patient sound just like him. He was ornery up till the end :-)


It is so freaking hard to watch someone you love have to suffer and endure that 'wait'.

I can't even think of the right words to attempt to comfort you as it's the one of the most agonizing events of your life. I wish you peace as you walk down this path and know your dad will be forever in your heart as my dad is in mine.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

15. All I can think of...

:hug:
I lost my dad when I was 16. It was sudden. Skip, at least he knew who you were. And he knew you were there with him, and hopefully that thought will get you through. And those memories of him fishing with you, and you calling him daddy again probably made it a better moment for him.
:hug:
Duckie

[PopSixSquish]

16. Bless You Skip

you and your family are in my prayers.

[regularguy]

17. Skip that was sad and beautiful.

Like life: sad and beautiful.

[areschild]

18. I just don't know what to say.

I'm am so sorry. It's been awhile since I've cried like this. My prayers are with you and your family, and may your dad find peace soon.

[no_hypocrisy]

19. Skip, I am very sorry for your loss. You have a good heart. I'm proud

of you because you stayed with your father. I know it made it easier for him. It was your finest moment.

[tom_paine]

20. I am sorry for your loss

Your Dad sounds like he lived a full life with much joy and happiness.

[radwriter0555]

21. Every father should have such a good son as you...

what a good man your daddy raised.

((((hugs)))

[ewagner]

22. Great piece skip

I'm sorry for your loss.

Take heart, my friend, you did good.

[blondeatlast]

23. (Wipes tears) I know your loss, SF. My dad died in May

and watching him slip away was the hardest, yet most rewarding ting I've ever done.

May God lay his soul to rest.

And may God grant you peace and comfort in your loss.

I am so sorry, my friend.

Edit: The day before my dad died (I knew it wouldn't be but a few days by then), he asked if I would please wash his hands for him. I can't tell you what a marvelous experience that was. I can still feel his fingers weakly clutching mine. It was absolutely stunning in its simple beauty.

[nini]

28. sorry for your loss..

what a beautiful memory you have of washing his hands.. brought tears to my eyes as it reminded me of my dad too.

:hug:

[onethatcares]

24. I don't have the words

to tell you how much good you're doing standing and holding his hand.Serious, tears are rolling and I think you are a fine person. What ever you believe in, you are doing the best. words are insufficient, God bless you.

[Liberal Christian]

25. Thank you, Skip

My dad died on November 21, just two months ago today, I guess. I was not able to be there with him, but my brothers and my dad's wife tell me that there were similarities with your experience.

Dad, too, asked for forgiveness. We don't know why. They told him he was forgiven, always. We hope it helped.

May your dad, when it is his time, belie the words of Dylan Thomas. May he, indeed, go gentle into that good night.

Lux eterna luceat eis.

Wyo

[buddhamama]

26. beautiful thoughts

i am so very sorry about your Dad.

i lost my grandfather to Alzheimers.

my thought, my blessing to you and your family.

may your Father be at Peace!

[SammyWinstonJack]

27. So sad

:hug:

[roguevalley]

29. hugs, honey. I am so sorry about this happening.

[DemExpat]

30. I can only thank you for sharing this experience with us, Skip.

It reminds a lot of us of similar deathbed scenes with loved ones needing to go - but everyone dreading the separation...

Such bittersweet moments.

On my Dad's deathbed in 1997 he refused to let his daughters change his diapers....we were amazed at how strong he was in keeping his knees locked together...so we had to call a nurse we knew to come over at 2 am to help us with this...

:hug:

DemEx

[Shakeydave]

31. Love ya Brother!

We're going through this together!

[Limbought]

32. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Your post was very touching.

I think both you & your father are special.

[skip fox]

33. Thanks to all. I return today.

Nan says he can't even get out of bed. Judy says he can't get all the way awake. My mother (80) is hardly eating. All three are sitting around him. They're in North Carolina. I'm in Louisiana (just flew back on Wed.) Gotta drive back beginning in an hour or after my 2 o'clock class. I'm trying to live two full time and devoted lives, and it ain't working. I don't want my students to suffer and I want to be there for my father. I keep saying, "It is what it is," and for some reason that seems to help, as does the sympathy of others and being able to write about it.

[brook]

36. My thoughts are with you.

"It is what it is" - yes. The love, the pain, the questions - the whole damned thing. Your writing of it is remarkable - and a good way for you to come to terms with the impending loss of a man you so obviously love dearly. Your students - who are so lucky to have you - will be there when this is done. And, in a new way - so will your father. In my experience, my Dad sorta took up a new place in my heart and after all these years, he's still there - closer than ever.
Take care.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

37. The whole driving back and forth thing

Just realize he may not want to go with you present. When my dad was dying, the hospice nurse told me to periodically leave the room as my father might not want to hurt me by dying in front of me. Sure enough, I went to call the office to tell them I wouldn't be in that day and he died while I was in the other room on the phone. Don't worry about being right there...he may not want you to be.

[nini]

39. You're right - but my Dad waited for my sister..

it was so weird. He was actively dying - the breaths were farther apart etc... then my nephew saw my sister drive by and said out loud that auntie was coming.. My Dad started breathing normally again. My other sister and I looked at each other in shock. The remaining sister came in, saw what was happening, said her goodbyes and he died a few minutes later. So amazing.

On the other hand, my dad also waited until his brother left to start the dying process. After my uncle left he started the weird breathing with minutes.

[VOX]

42. True! My mom died last year, just minutes before we got to the hospital..

She had been there for two weeks, going rapidly downhill after a heart attack and a bad fall. Everyone who could do so visited her, and the afternoon before she died, her room was full of family and friends, all of whom said their goodbyes, and made a soulful connection with her while she was conscious.

We got to the hospital the same time every day -- 10:00 a.m., and she just "let go" at 9:37 a.m. that final day.

That is just like my mom -- enjoying closeness and companionship, but so intensely private in so many ways.

[OldEurope]

34. have no words.juswanna say :thanks for sharing

and send you all good wishes.

[kmla]

35. My condolences and sympathy to you and your family....

A moving piece. May you find solace in your time of sorrow.

[ronnykmarshall]

38. I am so sorry.

When I read stories like this and recall what my father went through, I ask myself: "Why do we let humans go through this?"

I just read a story about a DU'er that had to put their cat down and I had to do the same in October.

WHY? Why must we let our loved ones suffer like this for their last days and sometimes months.

Bless you and your family. Your father is at peace. I wish peace for you as well in this time.

[skip fox]

40. Gone until next week

when with luck it will be all over. He might be dead before I get there (a 15 hour drive to come.

Thank all of you for kind words. REALLY appreciate, etc.

I hope to be back and CAPTIONing within a week or so.

[bobthedrummer]

41. I pray for strength to accept this

for your family, the post was quite a moving testament.

[VOX]

43. I know that this is a difficult part of the journey for you, skip...

I've been there -- my mom had been ailing for 9 years before she died last year, and it was a long haul -- one with all the conflicting emotions of being simultaneously responsible for a helpless parent, a career, a wife, etc.

I too took the one-and-only-one-step-at-a-time approach to survive mentally and physically. Losing a parent is never easy -- we have to see them in advanced physical decline, and it always leaves the impression that one is an orphan.

You know that this is one of the toughest things you'll ever have to do in life. Hang in there, and keep your artistic sensibility intact.

All my best thoughts to you --