Give me some lies for my resume

[Orrex]

I'd like to pad my educational and work experience, and I'll take all the help I can get.

[redqueen]

1. You have hugged the redwoods...

You have heard the song of the ocean.

(Actual lines from a real resume!)

[Orrex]

5. Ooooh! Trippy!

And yet vaguely spiritual-sounding. Perhaps it'll ingratiate me to my prospective eco-friendly employers?

[LynneSin]

2. Shook Al Gore's hand while at the Live Earth Concert in East Rutherford New Jersey

Hey, it was my experience but you can use it if you like

[Orrex]

6. Nice!

It's always useful to appropriate other people's cool experiences.

[lost-in-nj]

3. Graduated

com Laud from Yale....
after only 2 years......

Harvard was to boring......


:shrug: :shrug:

lost

[Orrex]

7. That sounds like something they wouldn't bother checking.

I'll do it!

[Joe Fields]

4. Mine is a work of "faction"

:toast:

[Orrex]

8. Perhaps I'll just include some clip art in lie of employment experience

What's the worst that could happen?

[Joe Fields]

11. Really. What's the worst that can happen?

Make the clip art the best they've ever seen. And, if you get an interview, ask for the impossible. They will be impressed, and think you're a bargain at twice the price. lol

The way I see it, if you're not willing to lie your ass off, you don't want one badly enough.

[Connonym]

9. you the only male escort I'd ever use and you can reference me if you like

:-D

[Orrex]

10. Sweet!

Of course, I asked for lies, not flattering and poorly-kept secrets!

[EstimatedProphet]

12. You invented the Wankel Rotary Engine

That always sounds impressive.

[Orrex]

13. Any opportunity to say "wankel" in a job interview must be seized

Wankel wankel wankel.

[DS1]

14. spent a year taking dictation for Paris Hilton's phone text messaging

[Orrex]

15. I recently had a vacation lasting about three weeks, in fact

It's so hard to find steady employment while working for the savagely overprivileged.

[Debi]

16. You invented Post-Its?

:shrug:

[Orrex]

17. While I'm at it, I should demand royalties for each one used

I'll be rich before you know it!

[Debi]

32. Grab the pad of Post-its from their desk during the interview and sign it.

Tell them that you won't charge for the autograph :evilgrin:

[Orrex]

37. I should just print out my resume on Post-its, then!

Putting my money where my mouth is, so to speak.

[Debi]

50. OMG - number each page and place them through out their offices

Then send them on a resume treasure hunt!

[LaraMN]

18. You once stayed up and worked without food or sleep for eighteen days.

At the end, you were a *little* bit tired.

[Orrex]

21. I could claim that sleep is for wimps and that food is a self-indulgent luxury

How could they not hire me?

[NewJeffCT]

19. Graduated from Beijing University, and you're fluent in Mandarin Chinese

both written and spoken.

You were also a Rhodes Scholar and spent a decade working in Central America, the Middle East and Africa for the Peace Corps where you became fluent in both Spanish, Farsi & Swahili.

[Orrex]

24. With my luck, my boss will be from Iran, and he'll bust out some Farsi on me

But other than that, that's a great suggestion. Color me super-lingual.

[NewJeffCT]

27. OK then

instead of the middle east, use Southeast Asia and fluency in Vietnamese, Thai and Lao

[Orrex]

29. It's a deal!

I'm sure I can pick up the basics in all of those languages in just a few hours anyway.

[JVS]

20. You spent the two years after college as a Helpingham Scholar in England

[Orrex]

25. Ham needs all the help it can get

From scholars and otherwise.

[TZ]

22. You spent time as a professional beekeeper

because, IIRC, you just LOVE to post on bee threads in GD!!!;-)
Well either that or you could put down that you are a professional "smart ass" too.....:evilgrin:

[Orrex]

26. My first attempt at beekeeping wasn't very successful

But then I really broke out in hives.

And "smart ass" is more of an avocation, to be honest.

[TZ]

31. Oops,

Professional smartass would be me...:D
I have another suggestion too...How bout something I can qualify for myself..vaccine "tester". I have had a whole bunch of that untested stuff put in my arm.......:rofl:

[Orrex]

34. Sounds like a euphemism for "illicit IV drug user"

But if it gives me better job-cred, I'll do it!

[LeftyFingerPop]

23. Your lovemaking skills inspired Mike Nesmith's mom to invent liquid paper.

[Orrex]

28. I don't know if that's just so wrong or just so right

But if it lets me rub elbows with The Monkees, I'm all for it.

[pagerbear]

30. Employee of the Month at the A&P in 1980

Actually saw that on a resume.

[Orrex]

35. Was it John Updike's resume, by chance?

It's a shame how he just walked off the job that day.

[underpants]

33. You used to kickbox bears

in your sparetime

[Orrex]

36. That's a good one--it would be hard to verify

And simultaneously makes me a very attractive employment prospect. How can I lose?

[underpants]

40. oh add in that you were undefeated!

:bounce:

[NoPasaran]

52. Well duh!

Since the losers end up eaten!

[baldguy]

38. In 1958, you helped develop the ALGOL programming language for the Univac 1170.

[Orrex]

39. Wow. Forty-nine years go by so fast

Seems like only yesterday that I wasn't even going to be born for another 23 years.

[northzax]

41. I just use the jummiy buffet version

I ate the last mango in Paris
Took the last plane out of Saigon
Took the first fast boat to China
And Jimmy there's still so much to be done


or, you could steal some things from my college application essay. (yes, I got in)

I am a five time Jeopardy champion
I invented cold fusion
I am a nationally ranked chutes and ladders player
I once won third place in a chili cookoff
I can name 852 uses for duct tape
I have climbed a tree wider than I am tall, and cut down a tree taller than I am wide.
I am fluent in klingon
I have been a nude model
I am an award winning painter
I am a professional chef
I have sailed around the world
I am worshipped as a god by people from New Zealand
I have a perfect career record in Jai Alai.
I have never been arrested in Mexico.
I have a 80% approval rating among members of my immediate family.
I have a 90% approval rating among people.

see? it's easy. only one lie in the whole list, from a certain point of view. At 17, every single one of those points could be defended, (and I did, in my essay) as true, from, as obi wan would say, a certain point of view.

[LynneSin]

42. Never been arrested in Mexico - so much as for respect for you

:hide:

[northzax]

46. well, I didn't say they were all still true

but this was at 17, I'd never been to Mexico to be arrested there. now it's a different story, of course.


I believe my exact words were something like, "I have been to Moscow, Tokyo and Vancouver, but I have never been arrested in Mexico."

[Orrex]

44. If I quote Jimmy Buffet, he'll sue me. The litigious bastard

But some of those others are golden. The one about the two trees has a nicely metaphysical vibe to it, so maybe I'll lead with that one.

[northzax]

47. well, then go with...

I have been sued for copyright infringement by Jimmy Buffett.

[DS1]

43. You won first place medals 3 years in a row during the

National Combat Pistol Shooting Competitions, specializing in the 'cubicle farm' obstacle course

[Orrex]

45. That would indeed make me eminently employable

Especially if I maintain a crazed look in my eye throughout the interview.

[martymar64]

48. You used to get coffee for Penny Marshall

I did that once.

[mzteris]

49. you don't have to lie, you know -

creative framing and selectively grandiloquent wording usually works pretty well.

Writing a good resume is like creating a work of art.

[rug]

51. You're required to register so the army can recall you to fight terrorists.

[Wcross]

53. We had an intern that left her computer on one time....oh boy!

I didn't see it but it was the talk of our department for a while. She had her resume open and she had put "Business consultant for Bridgestone/Firestone" as one of her previous jobs. Now who would believe we needed a "consultant" who was 21 years old and hadn't held any serious employment prior to he "consulting" work for our company? I sure hope she didn't try to use that!

[Fire Walk With Me]

54. "My heart is pure, so I have the strength of ten men."

[sniffa]

55. you don't need Lies

the bottom section of my resume is titLed, "potpourri" which just Lists a few random nuggets about myseLf, which aLways incLudes some reference to goLf. aLmost every interview i ever had, focused on goLf because of it, and i was abLe to controL the interview because of it, and have never, not been offered a job afterwords.

the onLy interview i had that did not even touch goLf (or anything eLse in that section) ended amicabLy, and the job was mine up untiL the subject of money came up. since we were $15,000 apart, the interview went on for another awkward, 30 minutes... which was weird since we aLready went back and forth for 1.5 hours. anyhow, my point is that you shouLd add a section Like that where you're confident, etc, and can steer the conversation if necessary.

[Seashell Eyes]

56. You built the pyramids

by yourself :applause:

[jmm]

57. You worked for the International Arabian Horse Association

You may even get a job with FEMA :D.

[XemaSab]

58. You can type 150 wpm

:P