Have You Ever Stopped Moving Long Enough And Realize

[SPKrazy]

that you don't know what the hell happened to your life?

That you don't really know what you are doing, or exactly why you are doing it?

That the people that surround you, no longer seem to be the people you thought they were?

That you can't seem to reconcile your views and memories of the past years with those of the people you've shared them with?

That you have no idea where all of this is going, but that there is also a feeling of excitement about the fact that you are realizing something DIFFERENT than you did before?

I have been snatched from my cozy hole of denial, and the world has begun to be revealed to me in a new light. This is not some sudden psychotic episode, it is in fact a slow process of awareness, and the peeling away of layers of denial and fear.

There is much more to do, but the reality of it is, that there is something that is changing and transpiring to create a different life for me. Trying to do this in the least (hopefully) selfish of ways is also important to me.

I just wondered if anyone has any idea what I'm feeling or saying, and if you do, reply to this thread.

:hi:

[wildhorses]

1. did you see your therapist today?

just kidding;)

but, really...deep shit man...i'm gonna go get my boots:P

:hi:

[SPKrazy]

2. Actually, I did

and i dunno if it's deep or shit, but bring your boots if you want to! :D

[wildhorses]

60. this song expresses my thoughts more poetically than i ever could

Permanent change
JOHNNY RIVERS

I’ve been sitting here for days
Thinking of different ways
To change my life so I can start a new
The one thing is not clear
What is this sound I hear?
Is it me or maybe is it you?
I see colors everywhere
People who just don’t care
Knows……they can change the world
Looking back on all the years
Of happiness and tears
I’ve found now there’s only thing that’s for sure
You only give what you give
The way you die is the way you live
And what you want is not always what you need
‘cause you might want it today
but tomorrow you’ll throw it away
and the only thing that’s permanent is change

I see colors everywhere
People who just don’t care
Knows……they can change the world
Looking back on all the years
Of happiness and tears
I’ve found now there’s only thing is for sure
You only give what you give
The way you die is the way you live
And what you want is not always what you need
yeah you might want it today
but tomorrow you’ll throw it away
and the only thing that’s permanent is change
oh, the only thing that’s permanent is change
the only thing that’s permanent is change

[SPKrazy]

73. Thanks sweet horses!

:hug:

that's cool!

[Deja Q]

3. Yes:

The reality is, I will never have the life I dreamed of. Thanks to ambient factors, half that life has shown itself to be a lie and has given the detractors a reasonable retort. Further reading solidified my own feelings too well not to ignore.

But it doesn't matter. Either way I will always be single. Note to Mitt Romney, it's not out of conscious choice. Some of us are just too] unique for others to like. It's funny how oddballs are awesome on tv or other forms of media... but in real life it's vastly different, and people really do not understand. Indeed, I am far more moral than what some people would think I'm not. For what it's worth.

But I have a productive, useful life right now and it ain't so bad.

Though I wish my employer, despite giving me high review ratings, would prove they have a vested interest in me. All I know is, I'm not alone.

Gotta ride it out.

And the day they fire us, I will have some words to say.

Which is for the best, my next job (there's no such thing as a career anymore anyway) will have nothing to do with servers or workstations. It'll be creativity-based. Nobody wants Americans' intelligence, so what the hell. I've nothing to lose in the attempt to jump careers when the time comes.

[SPKrazy]

4. Interesting Toad

I don't know how you know that you are just too weird, there's a lot of "weird" people out there, trust me on that.

I'm weird, and there's nothing wrong with being "weird", another definition might be unique, or an individual

Hang in there d00d, I always like reading your posts, yeah, some are a little out there, but some of mine are too, for that matter, all of mine may be.

:hug:

[Deja Q]

5. Weird...

In a good way. I have been told what "weird in a bad way" is, and that I am not. But my eccentricities, which some claim are good, are still too much for any given person to tolerate for more than a limited period of time. I must be a sitcom-character trapped in reality and don't even know it.

Just knowing the faux sense of appreciation I get at work, which I consider my life, has only made me feel empty the last few months. I still do the best I can (my own moral code), but I don't feel appreciated.

But that isn't entirely true. I did get some emotional support this morning when I nearly had a nervous breakdown... and I'm not the only one being given the cold shoulder there.

Things will work out. We're told to have faith. So I shall.

[SPKrazy]

6. Faith, Strength,

focus

whatever it is, when you put your attention at a fixed point, then that is where your mind and actions will be.

:hi:

[hippiechick]

7. Every day , my love.

I realized a long time ago that this isn't the life I ordered, but because of a few shortcuts at key points, this is the life I've got. And I'm not at all thrilled about it.

Which is why I am now in therapy. :(

[SPKrazy]

9. yeah, we get to deal with what we've done

and the folks we have done it with.

:hug:

things will change. :)

[hippiechick]

11. ... my case relates to things I chose NOT to do ...

... and people I DIDN'T do them with. :(

[SPKrazy]

12. yeah, well

there's a lot of coulda, woulda, shoulda, in my life, but there's only the reality of what i did or didn't do.

i know you are my friend, and i only hope for good for you.

:hug: (edit for lazy finger, didn't hold down shift for : )

[hippiechick]

13. .. and you as well, sweetie

:hug: you know where to find me ...

[SPKrazy]

14. he he he

been there already!

:pals:

[SeattleGirl]

8. Yes, I know just what you mean; I'm there myself.

That feeling of looking around, and saying, "How did I get here?" And asking, "Where do I want to be?" It's an uncomfortable feeling in many ways, but not all bad. It's like a message from your innermost self, saying it's time for a change. What that change is, of course, is different for everyone, and may be major or minor, but change is definitely knocking on the door.

[SPKrazy]

10. Change is inevitable

the question is what direction that change goes. some aspects of that we have control over, some we don't.

questions, questions, questions.

sometimes i'd like to be given answers.

but then they wouldn't be my answers.

i am making my own answers, i am just still looking at the questions.

answers are not my "final answer" necessarily either, which is good to know.

it's just weird to me to see how my perceptions of what has happened differ from those around me.

:shrug:

we all see things from our own perspective, influenced by experience, information, emotional investment, outcome, etc.

:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

16. What you say is very true, bro.

I think one of the best things we can do is look at what we have, what we want, decide what's important, and then have the courage to make the changes we feel are necessary. (That last part is the most difficult......).

[raccoon]

53. I've had that feeling for the last few years, of "Where do I want to be?"

I attribute it to my age, which is mid-50's.

But I still haven't figured out the answer. I'm working on it.

[SPKrazy]

62. Keep working

maybe the answer is in the journey and not the destination?

[mzteris]

15. oh yeah

I know what you're saying.

I'm in the middle of it all myself. Don't know how it's all going to turn out. Some days it's kinda exciting, but some days it damn scary. Some days I get all turned around and looking in the wrong direction again. I dunno. I just don't know. How the HELL did I get HERE? Where'm I going? WHO the hell am I anymore? Who do I WANT to be? Is that even possible? It's hard. It's tiring. It's kinda fun - a little. sometimes. Mostly it's scary, though. What if it tnever gets better? Sometimes I think even worse would be "better" - anything other than the SAME, ya know? bleh. Sorry. You're so up and I'm so not right now. I feel -- lost. That's it. Just - lost.

[SPKrazy]

21. I'm both lost, and excited

might be a dangerous combination, but it is also a freeing experience, and i've been here before, the worry i have is losing the energy again. having it get sucked back down into the hole.

lots of questions, and never apologize for saying what you think or feel.

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

17. heh

good morning! it's about time you woke up, ya big sleepy head.

:hug:

ya, been there, still doing that. remember me? the one who woke up one morning and said to her husband "Hey let's sell the biz and the house and move to the sticks!" and 6 months later landed right in the middle of the sticks

it's a big adventure dude, enjoy it :bounce:


edit to add, human *being* not human *doing* :evilgrin:

[SPKrazy]

22. ah, the evil one has spoken

let us all heed her spokespersonship :rofl:

:evilgrin:

:hi:

could be the sticks?

[NMDemDist2]

51. at least i'm not beating myself with em anymore

i'm thinking a teepee in the back yard is just the way to 'remix' em


:rofl:

[SPKrazy]

64. Good idea!

and will fit in won't it?

:shrug:

[conscious evolution]

18. Sounds like you are going though

a conscious evolution!

God I love saying that!!

[SPKrazy]

23. I'm conscious at the moment...

:P

and I'm not unconscious

so yes, conscious evolution :P

[TOhioLiberal]

19. Amen...

...I have an inkling of what you're saying. It applies to my situation, perhaps not perfectly. I am standing at a crossroad in my life. Stay where I'm at, miserable, sad, depressed. Or step off on a new path which to be honest, scares me half to death. There are no guarantees, no real safety. I can't stand here for long.

I'm no sure if I'm making sense.

[SPKrazy]

24. standing at the crossroads...

oh it makes perfect sense

of course the flip side is that staying where you are has no real safety, no guarantees either

there in fact are no guarantees any which way one looks.

there are only roads, paths, directions, ideas, and there is movement always somewhere

[TOhioLiberal]

30. I know...

...I will make a choice, or one will be make for me. I'm ADD enough to be frozen into inaction currently.

Besides, I have no where to go, really.

[SPKrazy]

48. Yeah, not to decide

is to decide

:hug:

[lizziegrace]

25. My answer came

when I realized I'd rather be alone than stay married to someone who thought so little of me, our daughter and the life we had.

I don't pretend to know the particulars in your situation, I'm just relating my own personal experience.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

27. I read about that the other day

and I admire your bravery and maturity in your situation.

I know that you and your daughter must be the better for it.

:hug:

[lizziegrace]

28. At the time

I didn't think I really had a choice. My daughter needed to know that the way things were was unacceptable. I also hit bottom I guess.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

32. often that's how choices happen isn't it

i'm glad that you had the strength to do it anyway, there are many who don't change even when the bottom is hit, and they instead stay for ______ reasons.

:hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

31. I read that thread you posted...

...you are very brave. I wish I was.

[AlCzervik]

20. my life has changed so much in the past 10 years.

My husband, daughter and I are here by ourselves so we only have us and that requires being able to really trust and depend on each other and 10 years ago i didn't know if that was possible. Also living 3,000 miles away from friends and family has got me dealing with them differently and realizing that i am my own person capable of making good decisions without needing an amen choir and also without their tsk tsking, that for me has been liberating.

i've grown up a lot in the past decade and evolved into i think how i was always going to be but more so, does that make sense? I am who i am but if i still lived in mass i don't know if i would have changed at all, here i don't have the constraints of others opinions of what i should be.

I remember what life was like before, it's a bit hazy but i'm glad i can't go back and i'm glad we moved, it was probably the best thing in the world we could have done.

[SPKrazy]

26. 20 years ago, my life changed one way

it has changed many times since, and before

22 years ago my life changed in a different way as well.

there is always change, family and friends may stay, move, be in and out of our "circle", but we are always there.

moving can take many forms.

:hi:

glad you "decided" to reply

[YellowRubberDuckie]

29. I totally feel you...

And encourage you to do what makes you happy. You deserve happiness, you and your kids.
:hug:
Duckie

[SPKrazy]

33. hey, i only have

one kid!

do you know of others :P


thanks

:hug:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

74. I thought you had two....

Sorry.

[NightWatcher]

34. Been there, done that, lost the tee shirt and have my stuff

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I think that I am the boy of 16 more than the guy of 31 that I am. I dont know what happened to years 16- 30 sometimes. I look back and dont recognize the person or the route that I have taken to get where I am today. I have kinda resorted back to my younger self recently.
Crazy shit man, crazy shit. I feel like a monkey that has been shot out of a cannon sometimes.

[SPKrazy]

37. 16!

damn man! I am at 12! I know that because some of the same issues I'm dealing with today, stir up memories of things that happened in my life at the age of 12.

I'm 45, and I have 45 year old person responsibilities in life; I have a 45 year old body (dammit) and I am expected by society to act my age!

Yet inside, that emotional bridge back in time is wide open. My only chance is to keep the 12 year old in the damned back seat, because when he takes the wheel, he doesn't know how to fucking drive!

of course he thinks he does! that is a problem, 12 year olds don't have a lot in common with 45 year olds. :crazy:

anyway, yeah, ya got it man!

[NightWatcher]

39. has anyone been where we are and gotten through it?

I'm stuck and not progressing forward.

Years ago, me and some friends were talking about the ethics of suicide and suicide bombers and I decided that I'd never kill myself, but instead would dedicate my life to serving a greater good. "One Noble Job" is what I called it. Now I work to help other people. My life is worth shit and I have enough negative karma to fill a tanker, but I will try to work it off by helping others full time.

I've got tons of negative karma, to start, I worked for the evil machine (carlyle group) and have done some real nasty shit in my past life. Now it's all about working off the bad so that when I die I dont come back as an ass blister on a donkey.

[SPKrazy]

40. In the end...

life is what you make of it here

making the effort to change has to be worth something

damn, you were with the evil one though, carlyle group? ewwwww

glad you're on our side now!

:pals:

[NightWatcher]

45. yep, the evil carlyle group

they have infiltrated all kinds of places that used to be sacred. Oh the stories I could tell, but I'd be sent away. let me just say that they control everyone with a government security clearance and leave it at that for now.

Yes, life is what you make it and I am, as I told a friend, an Agent of Righteous Karma. If I can atone for my sins I may make it after all.

Good luck with your struggles, maybe we can both make it to glory.....or a nice mental facility one of these days.

[SPKrazy]

47. i'm thinking there's some pretty nice mental facilities

but probably they've been infiltrated or are owned by the carlyle group as well :crazy:

[Writer]

35. Answers:

Yes.

Sort of.

No.

Luckily, no. But I can see how that would suck.

Oh my, yes!


And I do hope that you follow that new horizon. I have dealt with so many who were unwilling to realize real changes in their lives to know how valuable that process is.

On edit: My personal journey was more like rude shock therapy. Be lucky that you're able to learn this gradually and not in harsh, cruel ways.

[SPKrazy]

36. ha, some of it is gradual

some of it is snatched up from my hole of comfort and thrown out into the bright lights of reality and realize that I a) don't understand the rules of this game; and b) have no idea what the damned game is!

so it's mixed... and matched i suppose.

all tempered with the reality that any and all decisions are not made in a vacuum. changes have to be made boldly, but also with care to realize that it isn't just my life that is affected.

[Whoa_Nelly]

38. If you haven't started reading those books, am sure if you start now you'll really relate to them

We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong.
The amount of work is the same.

~Carlos Castaneda

[SPKrazy]

42. One has to be aware that they are either

before they can even contemplate that choice

awareness came on like a feverblister, then like a fever blister it went away, now it has come back

have to realize the blister is there even when i can't see it, i'm good at hiding from it

ewwww, fever blisters :wtf:

that's a weird analogy but it is what fit

:hi:

[Wapsie B]

41. Oh yes.

Your second to last sentence nails it for me. My feelings exactly dude.

:hi:

[SPKrazy]

43. It's a double edged sword for me

it's also easy to hide behind the notion of not wanting to be "selfish" in making decisions

not to decide is to decide

figuring out what is and isn't "selfish", as in is it more selfish to act, or not to act in a situation, requires wisdom + vision + courage

also, requires getting one's balls off the mantle! :crazy:

[Wapsie B]

49. Yes, getting the balls off the mantle

is what I need. It'll happen for both of us. I don't think one can worry about what's selfish or not but what is the right thing to do.

[SPKrazy]

72. I'm thinking today that the balls aren't on the mantle right now

and I ain't putting them back up there for anyone!

:hi:

[uppityperson]

44. All the time. The only constant is change.

That and uncertainty. I guess that means there are only 2 constants. BUt yes, I know.

[SPKrazy]

46. yeah the only person that likes change though

is a baby with a wet diaper, and hell if they use disposable ones, the baby may never know it is even wet!

:hi:

[raccoon]

54. That one's a keeper!

"the only person that likes change though
is a baby with a wet diaper"

Thanks, South!

[SPKrazy]

63. I liked it too!

:rofl:

[AllegroRondo]

55. "No changes are permanent, but change is."

just a little Rush for your morning.

[SPKrazy]

61. What a Rush!

man, good point

[KitchenWitch]

50. I have been there at various points in my life.

It was truly an electric experience.

For me it was like my passion was awakening, and all sorts of positive things were happening as a result.

I would like to be there again.

[SarahB]

52. Yep.

I had to stop, take a break, look really hard at everything, get depressed for awhile, and then do some hard work to get back to me again. I'm a very happy person at this point in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this. :hug:

[SPKrazy]

65. It's the breaks...

to not be here would mean to be stuck in the hole still

thanks

:hug:

[Dora]

56. All Aboard!

Kundalini Express (Love and Rockets)

This is an announcement
For the transcendental run
The train now standing
Leaves for higher planes
Due to a derailment
There will be no other train
So why not hop on this one?
Hear the porter's glad refrain

Each carriage is connected
As is every single train
The rails all form a track
Which is a link within a chain
The chain's connected to another chain now
You will need no ticket
If you wish to ride on this train

All aboard the express kundalini
All aboard the express kundalini
All aboard the express kundalini

The song is in your heart
Your heart is in the song
The song is of the earth
The song is of the sky

You are disintegrating
Into everything around
Reintegrating
The worm we dug from higher ground
You have let go of ego
Ego is no longer you
Closer to nirvana
Since the porters whistle blew

All aboard the express kundalini
All aboard the express kundalini
All aboard the express kundalini

[SPKrazy]

66. I Think A Kundalini Moment or Two Is In Order

to find my kundalini energy is in fact a big part of this!

cool song!

:hi:

[Burma Jones]

57. This feeling was summed up for me in a Jethro Tull song.......

It came to me while wrapping Christmas Presents..I was 29 and the epiphany hit me right between the eyes.....


Skating Away on the Thin Ice of a New Day.....

Meanwhile back in the year One --- when you belonged to no-one ---
you didn't stand a chance son, if your pants were undone.
`Cause you were bred for humanity and sold to society ---
one day you'll wake up in the Present Day ---
a million generations removed from expectations
of being who you really want to be.

Skating away ---
skating away ---
skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.

So as you push off from the shore,
won't you turn your head once more --- and make your peace with everyone?
For those who choose to stay,
will live just one more day ---
to do the things they should have done.
And as you cross the wilderness, spinning in your emptiness:
you feel you have to pray.
Looking for a sign
that the Universal Mind (!) has written you into the Passion Play.

Skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.

And as you cross the circle line, the ice-wall creaks behind ---
you're a rabbit on the run.
And the silver splinters fly in the corner of your eye ---
shining in the setting sun.
Well, do you ever get the feeling that the story's
too damn real and in the present tense?
Or that everybody's on the stage, and it seems like
you're the only person sitting in the audience?

Skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.

[SPKrazy]

68. Wow, got me some chills there

and it isn't cold

I love that song and it's gone through my mind a lot lately as well

:hi:

[Shine]

58. Sounds like you're goin' through major changes, my friend.

Change can bring up a lot of feelings and questions and it's in those times of confusion we're called to remember the truth of who we are. I find being out in Nature helps me to feel more grounded and connected within myself. It's healing to be out in the elements.

I also think we have to embrace the Mystery and understand we can't possibly know all the answers but that doesn't have to stop us from moving forward in our lives with the deep intention of becoming more aware and compassionate, both of ourselves and of others.

:hug: :loveya:

To me, it's all about being mindful while keeping your heart OPEN.

[SPKrazy]

69. I love the way you put things Shine!

thanks!

:hug:


:loveya:

mindfulness, YES!

[AngryAmish]

59. No

Things are going along more or less as planned and with quite happy results.

[SPKrazy]

70. Great!

that is wonderful and I'm happy for you!

sometime you'll have to reveal the secret!

:hi:

[skygazer]

67. Life is a journey with no road map

Sort of like those hitchhiking trips I've taken where I've stuck out my thumb and just gone wherever the first ride took me. And on from there.

It doesn't mean you can't plan a trip. But it does mean that there are usually a lot of interesting side jaunts on the way.

I don't know if this is the sort of thing you're speaking of but I've discovered it to be true in my life and I embrace it. How much more interesting to keep finding new things around every corner?




Two roads diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less travelled by
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

:hi:

[SPKrazy]

71. Yeah, more or less

the journey is not the destination and the map is not the territory kind of things for sure.

and a lot of other wonderful things people are saying in this thread

btw

:yourock: