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The fifteenth of January, is a very important date in the history of our grand country. Exactly two hundred and seven and two thirds years ago Paul Revere rode through New England warning the good people of our county with his famous cry "The red coats are coming, the red coats are coming." Red coats, the Red Menace, the Marxist, in short Commies!
In our comfortable homes we have seemed to have forgotten his warnings. So I say here and now the Reds are still coming. We cannot afford to look the other way any longer. The communists are everywhere, and there are only two people you can truly trust Joe McCarthy and me. But before we get down to what you can do to help, fellow capitalist here is some brief history on the battle we have been fighting at home.
Big Daddy Joe McCarthy and his fight against the enemy!
"Just because we are lacking in facts, is not an excuse for us not to act." -George Washington*
The rise of McCarthyism began in 1950 when a Republican Senator, Joseph R. McCarthy charged that the state department was full of traitors. McCarthy claimed to know of at least 205 communist who held political positions in the United States government.
Joe McCarthy was a shining beacon of capitalism in a sea shrouded by the evil fog of communism. Some people say he used fear for his own personal gains. People who say this are clearly bleeding heart liberals or commie bastards. As any loyal citizen of our democratic nation knows a true capitalist should use any means necessary to achieve his ambition, fear being one of these tools. The only thing that McCarthy¹s scare tactics proved to us was that he was clearly not a communist, and since all communist are evil then anyone so clearly anti-communist must be good.
* This statement was made by the father of our country right after he finished chopping down the infamous cherry tree.**
** Many historians believe that George Washington cut down the Cherry tree to symbolically represent his life long fight against communism. Notice the cherries were RED.
Now Joe did some great work, but as the average citizen you and I don't have access to his comprehensive lists. To help facilitate the common Joe Blow's fight for the American way I've made a small list of some of the people you can't trust. I would suggest that you carry a copy of this list with you for easy reference. Remember fellow capitalists, just like it's important to eat three servings of red meat a day to grow strong bones and muscles. It is also important for you to be prepared to identify possible communists quickly in an emergency. Here is the List:
Your teacher
Neighbors
Cubans
The Mail Man
Anyone on TV
Anyone on the Radio
Your best friend
French
People wearing red
Everyone from Michigan
People with little yippy dogs
anyone you don't like
People who own Macs
Canadians
Remember just because they don't appear on this list doesn't mean they are not communists so suspect everyone.
Now for a section we like to call ask LC.
Q. Dear LC, When I went to pick up my son at school today his teacher told me that he has been pushing the other kids around to get his way. She also told me that everyday he monopolizes the building blocks for himself, despite the fact that there is a class rule that each child can only play with the building blocks once a week (because they are the favorite toy.) What should I do to stop little Billy’s bad behavior?
A. Lady you sicken me. Your son is practicing what we lovers of freedom like to call “Social Darwinism. By using his superior size he monopolizes the building blocks and accomplishes two things. First he enhances his own understanding of structure and stability, and second he prevents the other children (who will one day be his competitors in the business world) from learning the same valuable lessons, thus giving himself an early lead on the competition. On the other hand this teacher of his sounds like she might be an evil socialist planted by the commies to brainwash our youngsters with filthy ideals like equality and fairness. I would suggest that you ambush this woman in the parking lot of the school and put an end to her treason the good Ol’ fashioned American way (with a brick.)
Q. Dear LC, I am writing from a hotel in St. Paul Minnesota. I am here on a business trip and last night while I was at the bar downstairs I ended up meeting a woman, bringing her back to my room, and cheating for the first time on my wife of 23 years. What am I going to do?
A. My fellow capitalist, I feel your pain. I don’t think there is any red blooded american man that can honestly say that he has never been to “St. Paul.” I would suggest that you light the hotel on fire and both erase your indiscretion in the inferno, and take out some of those “all too polite” mid westerners (who I believe are a secret communist front that plans to attack our nation from the interior.
Q. Dear LC, How can I tell whether or not someone is a Communist?
A. Commie detection is a fine art. Many people study every aspect of the communist psychology for years, and some experts are so well tuned to evil communist that they can spot one up to a hundred feet away. Most of us will never be able to detect communist like the experts do, but we can't let our own ignorance stand in the way of our righteousness. To the common man I humbly suggest that you do what I do. Grab the nearest person and yell at them and call them dirty, leftist, pinko, commie, bastards and tell them that you will drop them out of the nearest window if they don't admit that they are communists. Remember even if they don¹t admit that they are communist they probably still are.
Q. Dear LC, what should I do with people I think are communists?
A. Kill them. I prefer to drop them out the nearest window as soon as they admit that they are communists.
Q. Dear LC, should I wait and make sure they are communists, or should I just kill them?
A. You couldn't guess how often I am asked that question. There is only one way to answer it. If we made "sure" every communist we killed was really a communists, we would never kill anybody!
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