The Matriarch is dead.

[Karenina]

The moment I recognized my sister's voice, I knew the energy shift had finally occurred. She was en route and unable to reach our brother due to the time zones, so she delegated the task to me. Well, I couldn't reach him either (surprise, surprise) but he picked up on the energy and got up to speed as soon as he woke up. He was there last week and had an "experience" with Mom after discovering her unresponsive. Perhaps now he'll better understand my father's attempt to choke me before he killed himself. And maybe he WILL understand that I'm not taking any planes to anywhere at this time. I worked out my truce with Mom before her dementia kicked in and am at peace with how our relationship ended.

The weirdest thing is fielding the projections of what condition I am expected to be in at this time. I'm simply RELIEVED. I prayed for her to make her transition in peace and she passed in her sleep. Her stated threat of staying alive long enough to bankrupt my sister unless I were forced to return so she could "finish her business" with me now rings hollow, as well it should. ("WE need to VANQUISH her!" Mom was mad I won 2 Scrabble games...) She left the contents of her house to me and my only thing is, if there is someone who can make good use of it, LET HIM HAVE IT! Her chair lift will go to the managed care facility she jerked around after they made space for her. THEY NEED IT AND WILL MAKE GOOD USE OF IT. LET THEM HAVE IT.

I have a new space. My mother's energy held so much in place, over the next days and weeks that "hold" will dissipate. I welcome the change.

[SOteric]

1. I wish you peace, Karenina

:hug:

It's not an easy place to be in one's life. Some part of you will grieve as much for what could have been between you, as others do for the loss.

[Karenina]

12. Ya know, SOteric,

I did the best I could. My relationship with my mother ws ALWAYS adversarial and 2 years ago I got it together to confront her about it. I told her I realized she'd done the best she could, that her best was pretty damn good and I held NO BLAME toward her in my heart. For 18 months I spoke to her weekly and we shared stories and laughed together.
During this time she was the "MOM" I'd always craved, TOTALLY on MY SIDE and scoping out the details with me. Whenever I called her she snapped back into lucidity and we chawed da fat.

Then came the "break." I KNEW it was over. All the while my siblings had spoken of her "ways." When I got that oh-so-familiar feeling of a sharp object piercing my gut, I knew it was over. I did my best.

[arwalden]

2. My Heart On You...

I hope it all works out well.

-- Allen

[underseasurveyor]

3. I'm not sure what to say..

except Karenina,
Peace be with you :hug:

[BurtWorm]

4. Karenina

All I can say is, I wish you peace. Sounds like a complicated relationship, to say the least.

[Mikimouse]

5. Wow! I can understand and empathize with some of that...

I am glad that your mother passed in her sleep. I still have that hope for my father, even though our relationship ended (finally) in 2003. As the 'black sheep' in my family, I was always threatened with being disowned (only one male child is necessary in my family, and I have an older brother). I finally signed the papers, in 1991, and was legally disowned. Following that, my entire life improved by leaps and bounds. It continues to improve, and I suspect that it will continue to do so. I admire you for your clear thinking, and wish you the very best. :toast:

[Karenina]

13. Thanx for posting, Mikimouse!

I do so appreciate it! I, too, am the "schwartze Schaf" in my family. The "unsuccessful one" raining down shame. Never mind my lack of success includes being the first and only to... My mother "disowned" me when I refused to return to the States and take over her care and her house. She left me its contents.

Thank you for saying so, the "power vacuum" provides a space for improvement. I hesitated to say that so clearly, lest I be criticized for not "mourning" appropriately. I lit candles that my mom find herself in a place where she can drop all the negativity. And now that she is dead I drop a SHITLOAD of mine.

[The Zanti Regent]

21. Been there and done that Karenina

I know what it is like to be disowned and unwanted. I pray that you find comfort.

ZR

[ScreamingMeemie]

6. You will be in my thoughts. I hope you can find peace now.

Hugs, Laura

[Loki]

7. How often this story is told

but the family names are slightly different. My husband's mother passed away in October, and finally after years and years of her anger, resentment and pathological need to injure emotionally, we are at peace as a family. We are free and all the emotional baggage has been packed and put away. I wish you peace Karenina in this life, and may they find peace in the next.

Lee

[Kanary]

8. My thoughts are with you

I went through much the same thing with my father.

I thought after he died that I'd have some grief. I kept waiting for it.

I finally realized that all I felt was Relief... and grief has never come. I worked through it all before he died, and there was nothing left by the Relief.

I'm sorry you didn't have the mother you needed. There are so many of us in that situation.

Kanary

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

9. I love you

that's all.

[Cleita]

10. Peace Karenina.

May your future be happy. You will not have that burden anymore. That is a certainty.

[Kellanved]

11. My condolences

Auch wenn Eure Beziehung nicht einfach war, mein tiefstes Mitgefühl.
:hug:

[Karenina]

15. Ich bedanke mich, Kellanved!

I shall scatter my mother's ashes on the Rhein. It runs south to north! A fitting tribute, denke ich.

[ewagner]

14. Karenina

I wish you peace...and a big hug to go with it!

[Karenina]

16. I SOOO need the hug

and thank you for it!!!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

17. Sounds tempestuous to say the least...

I'm sorry for what you've suffered, and glad you are now relieved. ~hugggggggggggggs~

The stories I've read about people who've died and been revived all mention similar experiences...seeing a light, having numerous moments in their lives flash before them, and suddenly understanding the impact they've had on the lives of others.

At least she's aware now, Karenina.

Peace to you and your family...

[Rabrrrrrr]

18. Forget about what anyone says you *should* be feeling

When my mother died, after a year or two of slow death by cancer, for the frist few months, all I felt was relief. I'd spent to much time in mourning before she died, that when it happened, all that stress from waiting was gone, and it was, for me, only a feeling of relief.

I had some moments of grief and mourning, yes. But it took a while to get to the point of it just being grief and for the mourning to begin.

So feel whatever you feel. Anyone who tells you are feeling 'wrong' is utterly unjustified and 100% wrong.

My condolences and sympathies to you and the family. Sounds like you had a real humdinger of a relationship between you all.

[Karenina]

19. We have SUCH a "window of opportunity"

to chuck a shitload of nasty family karma, so I wait for the dust to settle- standing by with 100% cotton cloth to wipe the sills. I'm in no hurry and enjoy Putzfrau mode. Depressed? Clean the kitchen, then the bathroom. Whistle while you work, like Zappa's "Brown Shoes Don't Make It" or "Brain Police."

Mom held a particular configuration together. There's a huge power vacuum, offering an opportunity to examine our family "myths," theatre pieces and directives and come to a better understanding between us.
In the famous words of Judy Tenuto... IT COULD HAPPEN! :silly:

[Rabrrrrrr]

20. Ah - I like what you said about examining family myths!

family myths - for those who have the courage to admit that families have them - are incredible areas of exploration and communal growth, especially as the eldest generation has entirely passed away. A "window of opportunity" as you say, and I applaud you, and send you thoughts of support, as you explore your own myths and create a new set from them and your own collective experiences.

Recognizing, naming, and re-creating the myths can be a very liberating experience - hopefully for the entire family, but if not, at least for the one who is willing to do it.