I think my marriage is coming to an end

[scottcsmith]

Some of you may have read my post on struggling with mental illness. And now it appears that my mental illness is affecting my wife. I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. She wants the "old" Scott back, the person I was when we started dating in 1997. I guess I was a different person then. My mental illness was in its very early stages. But over the years I've gotten worse and now I'm a "new" Scott, someone who is emotionally distant and sometimes emotionally unavailable. I've been trying hard to recreate the "old" me but I guess it's not working. I know mental illness is hard on a marriage -- my ex-wife struggled with a mental illness, and I ended up feeling more like her caretaker than her husband.

I don't know what's going to happen. I hope we can work on the relationship and maybe re-capture the feelings we had in 1997.

I know this is a downer subject for the lounge, but I really needed to do this. I don't have anyone else to talk to right now.

Scott

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. I wish you all the best

I don't have any answers.
Maybe the trying to hard to recreate the old you rather than allow who you are to shine through the "new you" is getting in the way.

Is she willing to do counseling with you? Is that an option?

[rhino47]

2. I can`t imagine what kind of pain you must be in.

I think that its very hard to be in such pain on a daily basis.Mental illness in my opinion is the most insidious of diseases.That there are not open bleeding visible wounds makes it so easy for those surrounding the afflicted to lose sight that its a very destructive disease.Its hard not to lose sight that you are dealing with the disease not the person when a person with such a disease is shouting and ranting or quietly sinking deeper into themselves.I however do not think its totally unsurmountable either.My husband is a manic depressive.It was extremely painful to watch how he suffered through the med changes the therapy and extreme highs and lows.It was very hard not to take things personally.I feel in love with one Dan but he turned into another per say.But I`ve come to realize that his illness was part of Dan too.I came to accept and support him through his illness.We now after 14 years are closer then ever.Though the manic depression stole a good 4 years of our marriage.I would`t want to live through it again ,on the other hand it`s made me a better person too.I don`t think theres recapturing old feelings.But I do believe that you and your wife will make stronger more lasting bonds that surpasses beginning feelings.I hope truly that you get through this !!
Sincerely Lindy

[commander bunnypants]

3. Good Karma my friend

I work with those with MI. It can be heartwrenching. Do what you must do to keep your self healthy. I wish you well


DDQM

[wryter2000]

4. Are you seeing a therapist?

I went through my husband's manic episode. It was hell. The two of you should go to couple's therapy.

[Jack_Dawson]

5. Scott,

I missed your earlier post. May I inquire as to what mental illness is particular is ailing you?

[scottcsmith]

13. My long list

First of all, thanks to everyone for your kind words of support. I am seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist. Recovery is happening, it's just a slow process. Sometimes it's one step forward and two back.

I'm being treated for severe depression with psychotic episodes, different forms of anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. With medication and therapy I do okay, but I'm not the same person I was in '97 and I don't think I can be that person again.

I'm not working right now because stress tends to trigger psychotic reactions. For me psychotic is being paranoid and hearing voices. It doesn't take much to put me in that state.

I do have hope for my marriage, but I can't really be angry with my wife. I know how hard it is, I know how stressful it is, and I know what's it's like to watch someone you love suffer and not being able to do anything about it. I don't expect her to spend the rest of her life in a loveless marriage, that's just not fair to her.

At this point I don't know how much I can change. All I can do is try and change what I can change. I don't know if it will make a difference, but I'm not ready to give up.

[Catfish]

14. Good

never give up, as you say it might be two steps back sometimes but over time it will be forward progress.

[Lefta Dissenter]

6. Oh, I'm so sorry

I haven't read your earlier posts, so I don't know any of the details, but are you BOTH getting counseling? 'His, Hers and Ours' - it sounds like you each need someone to talk to alone, along with relationship counseling. You may be doing this already, so I'm sorry if I'm stating the obvious.

It would be so sad for the marriage to fall apart if there's some way to help you through your illness and enable the relationship to thrive again.

I really am sorry. I wish you and your wife both the very best.

And hey, the Lounge isn't just for fun and games. Sometimes we all need a shoulder, too. :pals:

[cally]

7. I hope you both get some counseling

Many marriages go through rocky times and come out OK. I am not the same person I was when I started dating my husband nor is he. I wouldn't want to be the same. Sometimes it takes some evolving to appreciate the new you. A counselor can help. For now, why don't you try setting a timer and just listening to each other without interruption for 30 minutes each for a few days. It's amazing how rarely each of us just listens without getting defensive and pulling away. It has helped us in tough times. :hug:

[populistmom]

8. I'm very sorry

Actually, I'm in a position somewhat similar to your wife, but I have given it way more time (married almost 13 years, big problems for 6) to get better before I began considering alternatives (and I still haven't ultimately decided). Since you haven't been married all that long, I agree that trying counseling would be a good idea.

[Killarney]

9. If you're not already...

try to take advantage of any help out there. Therapists (for you alone or with your wife in marriage counseling), medications, and more.

Don't give up on yourself or your marriage. Try everything.

I hope that things look better soon for you.
:pals:

[Catfish]

10. You have my sympathy and maybe I can offer hope.

I had a 7 year relationship end a few months ago. We never married because we were waiting for him to "get better". When he was first diagnosed with a behavioral addiction, I was advised to get counseling. I refused, insisting that it was his problem. Well, that was not the right course. Over time, I became very angry with him about his behavior and not very supportive as I was in the beginning. I developed my own problems as well, not coping in a healthy way. So, looking back at my errors, I would advise that your wife get counseling on her own and maybe some joint counseling as well. I hope it can help. Not every relationship can be saved but she'll benefit from the help whether you two work it out or not. Good luck to you, I know you are hurting now.

[TrogL]

11. Seven years is a magic number in relationships

I'm seeing a counsellor/psychologist because my current relationship has been rocky and the rockiness started in its 7th year. Enquiring on previous relationships, it became evident that THEY began to go sour in their 7th year. She then pointed out that many relationships go sour in their 7th year.

They don't call it the "7 year itch" for nothin'.

I did NOT see your previous post, but I also have issues with being emotionally unavailable/distant that turned out to be something very strange indeed.

Maybe we should talk.

[Deja Q]

12. Be careful as to the help you seek

Be careful which counselor you see. Every one of them will label you with something different...

Did you just end up with this illness, or did one of society's little foibles get at yBe careful as to the help you seekou too much? You need to diagnose the problem before you can fix it. If it is a societal problem, then you have to try to fix society.

And never forget, our western society prefers to alleviate symtpoms rather than fixing problems.

I wish I could say more. I've never been lucky or talented enough to be in a relationship.

[aQuArius]

15. 1997 too... things not going well...

Neither of us, as far as I know, have a mental illness. But the same story is going over with us too, so that may not be the only factor in your case. I know I am NOT the same person I was almost 7 years ago and neither is he. We want different things now and we have different goals and views of what the future brings. There's not a lot of room for compromising in our situation, so we're not sure what the future will be for us. Just hold tight and let her know you do love her. Take care.

[Catfish]

16. Yes

I found that the most important reason that I don't regret the end of my relationship is that it was sad to realize that we did not share values, ethics or goals in life. It's not that two people must be in complete agreement on these issues but when there is none, I don't think there's a basis for love. It's difficult to respect each other in those circumstances.