Man, I feel like a chump.... BIG chump

[HEyHEY]

So, I just spoke to the Ex. We have decided to remain friends and what not. She was acting kind of strange all weekend. I had a feeling I knew what was up. So, rather than sit around guessing, I just flat out told her I knew she was seeing someone else. I did this because, rather than us being wierd with each other I figured we had best get it out in the open so we can get used to it.
She admitted she was.
That's fine.
But, then this fucking anger took over me, not jealousy... I don't care about the new guy as I myself have dated since. But, when we broke up it was because she was having serious problems, which, granted she is still having. And that she couldn't be with anyone right now. And if she was going to be, I'd be the first on the list.

So, here we are a couple months later and she's seeing someoone? I feel like such a fucking chump. When she told me about all the problems she was having and the like I got so emotionally wrapped up it that it started fucking with my life. I even had to pull myself of a story I was covering at work.

Then to hear this from her? SHe's seeing someone? After all that I put myself through for HER?! All the support I gave her! But it was all for bullshit. Never again. It took me years to let my guard down and let someone in and look what happened. So, I sent her an email saying I don't want to speak to her for god knows how long. I explained why in a cordial way.

I never thought I'd think this... but, "Fuck you, Amy. You little lying piece of shit."

[Droopy]

1. Sorry to hear that, man

Tie one on and listen to some death metal. That always works for me.

[HEyHEY]

2. sans the death metal, I'm there

[Zookeeper]

3. Ouch!

All I can offer is a hug. :hug:

[Wetzelbill]

4. you know, people are unpredictable

Who knows why should would do that? Probably she didn't mean to lie to you. I guess at the time her problems were so serious, in her estimation, that she had to be alone. Then for some reason, she began seeing somebody else, obviously not you. Maybe it's an attempt to move on, from her past altogether. Maybe she sees this guy as something new, someone who in no way reminds her of the beginning of her problems etc. You were part of her life when she first started getting her problems, not that you had anything to do with them, but you were there. Her problem is she is still having them, and if she can't get over that stuff, well, this other guy whether he gives her the same support you did or not, isn't part of the solution.

But yeah, you were put in a bad spot, and are rightfully angry. She definitely hurt you. I would think unless she resolves her problems she is going to have trouble with any relationship. She seems confused though and it's good that you were cordial about it.

Just take care of yourself, man. Do what you need to do to feel happy again. The important thing is that you know yourself, you know who you are and that you are a good guy and all, and that you can move on and heal after this all.

[KG]

5. might be a good time to reconsider the 'remaining friends' thing.

[HEyHEY]

7. Already done

In fact, I'm considering never speaking to her again.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

6. I know exactly what you mean about being first on the list ...

because I was in the same situation. My recent asshole of an asshole broke up with me (took away my stress and headaches is what I called it) over some stupid shit. He told me I was the best girlfriend ever (Bullshit) - I got dumped for a ho who flirted with him (and every guy , she is promiscous) and apparently he believed that he had a chance with her. So he dumped me (his friends would ALWAYS try to sneak behind his back and talk to me but being the good girlfriend that I am I told them HELL NO). So the punk calls me up and tells me everything is not working out (he did'nt want to try lazy bastard) and blah blah. I find out months later that he asked the ho out , because he thought he had a chance but she turned him down. That's what he gets. For a while I thought I could actually be friends with him but I don't think its fair ... you treated me like shit and you want me to treat you nice ? Hell no. I tried to be friends but he kept fucking up. We were fine for a long time, even getting back close to each other putting the past behind us. But then another ho comes into the picture , she turns him down - he looks stupid again. So I said you know what "If you can't see the good woman that I am then you will never see it - fuck you , I don't want to talk to you. You bring me down more than you bring me up. When I talk to you , I don't have anything to say. You are just not a person that I need in my life. You are the one negative thing in my life and its too much . I am burnt out. I am not saying that I don't want to talk to you ever again, I am saying give me some fucking space. Everyone tells you that you should have stayed with me and you are stupid for breaking up with me and deep down inside you know it , that's why you want to keep me near , that's why you still kiss me and I feel stupid for letting you but not anymore. I am a DIAMOND - I have my own place , my own car , a steady job, I am beautiful ,smart and I am doing something with my life. I got 2 promotions within 1 year ! What the hell have the hos done besides spreading their legs getting more baby daddies ? Forget being modest, I am SEXY ! Fuck you if all you do is talk to trash!Be a garbage man all your life playing captain save a ho. I am Superwoman and I don't need a Batman!" And I walked away ...

Worst thing , we work at the same place. Everytime I am talking to a male, no matter who it is and I am never talking about anything but work or world related, here he comes. He does'nt want me but he does'nt want anyone to have me. Leave me alone - go chase your hos. I only have to see him for 2 hours but even that is too much. Everytime he sees that I am over him , he comes back around again and I used to fall for that shit. Not anymore. Now he is trying to be nice again - whatever. I don't trust him and I wish I never went out with him. A part of me feels stupid for still loving him but now I don't know how I feel. I love myself more than letting someone get the best of me. And I want him to hurt so bad - he feeds his ego by getting attention for stupid things and all I can do is ignore him ... he brings out the bad sides in me. We were together for 6 months and it seems like a damn century ... I was too good for him.

He actually told me that girls are scared to talk to him because they are intimidated by me, thinking I might beat them up. Ummm no they know an asshole when they see one. Damn misfit.

His male co-workers tell him all the time that giving me up was a mistake ... I am so glad he set me free. I don't know if I feel hate or neutrality to him . Its not important. He does'nt care so why should I.

[emmajane67]

9. Can I quote you to someone???

Ha ha.

Yes, the trying to be friends thing is hard...very hard.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

13. Sure LOL

Why exactly ?

[emmajane67]

14. Trying to be friends with the ex.

6 weeks after breaking up. Were together for 6 1/2 years.

The friends thing started off okay but seems to be taking a slide toward the septic, at least at the moment. Maybe some time would help.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

21. Time helps.

But when the other person starts acting like an ass all of sudden for no reason, it gives me more ammo and question myself why I am still friends in the first place.

[northzax]

23. i don't think it can be done well

unless it really is a break up of equals (or there are reasons to remain in contact, like children) without those ties, it is better to go scorched earth for a time, be civil, but ignore them and build your own life without them. if you then later become friends, it's all good, but time and space are really needed, I think.

of course, if there are children involved, you have to be friendly and civil, you've lost your right to go away.

[Name removed]

17. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

22. I am not answering that.

[hfojvt]

24. hey now

Didn't you once tell me you were playing hard to get, and did I say I thought that was a bad idea? I may be thinking of somebody else. I am not gonna do a search.

I still remember an ex was talking to me once and said she was gonna be working around my area so 'you will see me alot this summer' and I quickly said 'it's gonna be a good summer then' and she shot me this look of surprise. I was thinking 'What? I never stopped loving you. You broke up with me.'

Except she didn't, sort of. What happened was that I told her I was gonna stop chasing her since it was clear to me that she did not want to be caught, at least not by me. But that look of surprise made me wonder if she had a different take on things. Did she think I broke up with her? I was the one who walked away (although I would say I was pushed away) It would have been so easy for her to have said "Stop! (In the name of love)" I think it is a tragedy if that is what a person wants to say, but instead they are afraid, or their ego is hurt, and so instead they say 'well, FU then! Good riddance' even though that is not how they really feel.

What I am saying is if that your ex feels like his relationship with you is going nowhere and that you are not really interested in him, can you blame him for moving on? As Tracy Chapman sang so horribly out of tune 'Give me one reason to stay here, and I'll turn right back around.'

[JVS]

8. I just knew the be friends thing wouldn't work! It sucks to be used for support like that

[Callalily]

10. So sorry . .

:hug: And you're not a chump. You took the high road, you did what you felt in your heart was best. Take comfort that you are the type of person that supports his friends, that stands behind them. She is the one who lost out here. Lost your trust and lost your friendship. Try not to dwell on the situation. Just one of those "chalk it up for experience" type things.

[bicentennial_baby]

11. ....

:hug: Word.

[GirlinContempt]

12. Never again?

I understand you're upset, honey. And I'm sorry. You have a right to be. If I knew her, I'd probably egg her house :P

But don't let a 'little lying piece of shit' control your life any further.

[hippiechick]

15. Had something similar happen to me once ...

... dude I was seeing who dropped the L word on me a few times, then things went to shit, and we proceeded to fight alot. Finally just gave up. He told me that he was just 'going to be alone' because he couldn't imagine being with anyone other than me ... less than 3 months later he was seriously involved with another woman and LO! he ended up marrying her.


WTF?


I feel for ya' ... people suck sometimes. :pals:

[eyepaddle]

16. Funny you should mention that,

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=6420839&mesg_id=6420839

Misery loves, er well appreciates company. This round's on me. :beer:

[NewJeffCT]

18. I'm not defending her, but

Most likely, she is not a good person but sometimes, just a change in scenery can give a person a different perspective. Maybe she needed some time alone to clear her head, and in that time alone she discovered the new guy - who seemed to be what she thinks she needed at this time. If she really did have some serious problems, sometimes just that different perspective can change a person's whole attitude.

While one of the first responders said start drinking heavily & listen to death metal... when I got divorced, I spent a lot of time getting lap dances at a local strip club. But, as soon as my ex filed for divorce, it was like a huge weight was lifted from my back and I was very quickly out getting those lap dances and also dating like crazy...

Coincidentally, my ex is also named Amy.

[BlueIris]

19. Ouch. Poor HEyHEY.

Well, think of it this way--she probably doesn't have the same powerful feelings for the other person that she did for you if she's actually managing to have some semblance of a "relationship" with him. My guess is that the reason she started freaking out when she tried to get something started with you was because there was something real and substantial there. Hence, the reason she felt she wasn't "good enough" to be with you. 'Cause, you know, ISSUES. Which she STILL hasn't tried to resolve, I take it? Methinks the other guy is just another replay of her other dysfunctional entanglements. You may be better off.

[hunter]

20. Ouch. I'm sorry.

I have two exes I never talk to. Hell, I even crossed paths with one recently, more than twenty years later, and if she saw me, she also pretended not to recognize me, just as I pretended not to recognize her. I'm pretty sure we've both forgiven ourselves and one another, but that doesn't mean the burning scars go away. I feel sorta like Harry Potter -- the scar's right on my face.

The damned thing is that if you want any sort of deep relationship with someone you have to keep taking risks. I was bloodied and broken twice before I met the right person.

One ex also met the right person, and in a detached way I can be happy for her, but I'm not so sure about the other. I think she just resigned hope and settled for a life that wasn't at all what she'd dreamed of, and that makes me sad.

[Robb]

25. Yeah, you're a chump

I kid of course, having been exactly there. It doesn't help to blame yourself for being a good guy, however. THAT much I can promise.

[LibraLiz1973]

26. The girl is toxic

I know you had good intentions, but, she was ruining your life. You took wayyyyy too much responsibility for her & her emotions. Sorry you got burned.
I also hope you don't start wondering what this guy has that you don't. It has nothing to do with that.
It's about keeping her comfort zone on a string. She was very confident you would never go anywhere.
DO NOT ANSWER HER PHONE CALLS OR EMAILS. You've been treated horribly and many, many people have tried to tell you
to run from this girl before. I hope you don't waffle on this and go back to the buffet of pain shes been serving to you.
Let your guard down again with someone who truly values you and doesn't need to keep you miserable to feel happy.

[HEyHEY]

27. Oh, I don't worry about this other guy

"I also hope you don't start wondering what this guy has that you don't."

I'm a hell of a good guy, have a nice career and am slightly famous. Whoever this guy is I just hope he's an asshole. I hope she doesn't burn another good guy is all.

[LibraLiz1973]

38. Thats the way to go!!

You can do this.

[hunter]

28. "...keep you miserable to feel happy????"

Usually they keep you miserable because they are miserable, not to make themselves "happy."

If they push you off a cliff and are truly happy to see you tumble down in misery, that's pretty obvious. You either run for your life or you go back because you yourself seek to be miserable.

Your emotions always belong to yourself. Most people try to place themselves where their emotions are comfortable -- in happiness, misery, whatever... It would make better sense if all of us were always seeking happiness, but obviously, looking at people, that's not the way it works. People all around are deliberately doing things that make them unhappy.

[BlueIris]

39. Thanks for that. I agree that the situation was making HEyHEY nutty,

and I think he was right to break it off, but my take on this woman is that she is mentally ill, warped by SA issues of all manner of grim and totally unable to believe herself worthy of feeling healthy and being loved. I don't think she did this to hurt HEyHEY intentionally or did so in a consciously malicious manner. Right now, she's at the mercy of her disorders. This isn't to say that HEyHEY should take her back (don't do it, H!). Too sick to see she needs help is WAY too sick to be involved in a relationship with another human being who has issues. But I can't see her actions as those of a woman who is purposefully hurting others.

Still sorry that you're hurting, H.

[Debi]

29. Probably heard this a dozen times - just on this thread - but

you deserve better than that. Reading what you write (at times :P) here in the Lounge, you are a sweetheart.

Oh, to not be married and in :loveya: with Mr. Debi and I'd be flirten with ya!!! :hi:

Big :hug: to you, hope you get over your anger soon.

[jpgray]

30. Doing good things for someone always is valuable in and of itself

Even if the person doesn't appreciate it or if you receive exactly zero tangible rewards for it.

[HEyHEY]

31. Just spoke to her

She called, I figured I could at least not be a total asshole and I spoke with her. Told her I felt she'd been manipulating me the whole time and basically everything in the post up there. She got defensive and denied that. And said she isn't really interested in this guy she just wants to move on and casually date(Real nice for him, eh?) and I must have told her three times I don't give a shit about this guy and it isn't jealousy, it's objecting to basically being used.

She swore up and down she loves me and didn't mean to do this blah blah blah. Her entire life is one fucking apology after another. You'd think she'd get the fucking hint.

Hopefully that's the end of it.

[pitohui]

33. so what's the deal here?

she wants to keep you for ex sex or as a fuck buddy while she dates other dudes? is that the long and short of why she wants to "still be friends?" i think since you clearly have emotions involved you need to make a clean break so you can put her in the past

block her phone calls, block her email, if she shows up on your doorstep, tell her to leave, if she won't leave, call the cops/restraining order

she can't use you for cheap sex or whatever if you break off all relations


you can't just be friends when you have so much emotion involved

there's nothing wrong w. ex sex/friends w. benefits if you are both in it for the same deal, but you feel used and exploited, and that can't be healthy for you

run for your life!

[HEyHEY]

37. deal - from her is this

She needs to casually date as part of figruing her shit out. And she can't casually date me because she loves me and doesn't want a relationship. This guy the other night is just a dude she knows... they were drunk, she kissed him. She doesn't want to sleep with him or anything like that.
But, she doesn't seem to get what I was saying about why this would piss me off.

[BlueIris]

40. "She needs to casually date as part of figruing her shit out."

Oh, my GOD. No therapy? No acknowledgment of the I.S.S.U.E.S.? I mean, I still feel bad for her, in the way I feel bad for anyone who has that many serious mental health problems, but--run, HEyHEY, run.

[HEyHEY]

41. HEyHEY is running

She says she's still looking for a therapist... but really how long does it take? I know she is looking... but she best buck up and pick one.

Either way, I'm done.

[Evoman]

32. Stop being so nice.

Block her number, don't go anywhere with her, and if she sends a letter, tear it up before throwing it in the garbage. Life is too fucking short.

[pitohui]

34. yeah what evoman said EOM

,

[XemaSab]

35. People are crazy and stupid

How do you know this new relationship of hers is in anyone's best interest?

Maybe it's just her acting out crazy drama. Maybe she said she couldn't be with you because you're too stabilizing and she "needs" chaos.

:shrug:

[XemaSab]

36. People are crazy and stupid

How do you know this new relationship of hers is in anyone's best interest?

Maybe it's just her acting out crazy drama. Maybe she said she couldn't be with you because you're too stabilizing and she "needs" chaos.

:shrug:

[LaraMN]

42. It sounds like cutting her off would be a VERY good idea.

For your own sanity, at the very least.