News From the FUTURE!

[GURUving]

Hello! And welcome to "News Live on Channel 2466532-A, Sector C! I'm your anchor, Freemah Peoples. Have we got some stories for you!

Topping the list so far in this sector is a breaking story from Earth's Moonbase. Hundreds of moonborigines are protesting their inability to obtain adequate oxygen supplies from the private air supplier, Halliburtonesque Industries. They say they have documented proof that the price they are paying for air is more than 10 times what those living in clusters other than the moonborigine colony pay. In fact, they report that those outside the moonborigine colony sometimes even received free air in the form of official, government sponsored "Air Enhancement" programs. A spokesman for the company said he had no comment, then went on to say he felt this group of troublemakers should move to Pluto if they thought they had it so bad. The dictator of Pluto reportedly said he would welcome the inflow of labor from moonborigines as there were numerous jobs that Plutonions simply would not do anymore.

Next up: The weather!

Oh yes! Did all of you see those gorgeous chemtrail clouds this morning? Let me tell you, if you didn't put on your antiradioactive fallout and toxin sensors and step outside, you truly missed something.

Researchers have discovered an artifact hidden deep in a Martian cave believed to have been from Earth's 20th century. While scientists have translated the text of the document, they are baffled as to its meaning. Some of the words released whose meanings are unknown are:

Peace, Freedom, Liberty, Integrity, Honesty and Liberal.

Government linguists request that anyone with information regarding these words report for duty in the Western War Zone.

That's all for now! Have an average day!

just a thought.............(edited subject line for spelling)

[FDRrocks]

1. doubleplus good! n/t

[jogi1969]

2. what no sports?

no Survivor 'rings of Saturn'?
no 'who wants to date an andriod'?

how else will i be brainwashed- i mean -entertained?

[baldguy]

4. Rollerball season hasn't started yet.

and the Deathrace Tournament is on a break.

[sasquatch]

10. Here's Sasquatch the XXVIII with sports

Hey sports fan!

The World Series begins today with the Chokes(formally the Braves) facing off against the Athletics. The Chokes hope to improve on their 1-40 world series mark.

Football season is in full swing with a bit of contreversy. Eagles quarterback Darwin Bendsejikolop, a martian transplant and three time pro bowler. Was criticized as being "overrated" by contreversal corpratist commatator Pigman Oxycontin. According to him "Darwin is hyped up by the socalist byased media so they can have a Martian athlete in the leader position." The corpratist commantator later resigned after getting his ass beat by Michale Pedgitlinof a fellow Martian athlete as Darwin. The Bengals are off to a great start 2-0 after wining three straight Super Bowls for the first time since Marvin the First coached the team. Marvin the XVIV said his acestors would be proud of the fact that he rebuilt the franchise they took over in the old millenium. The Indianapolis Ravens today hired their new coach Steve Spurrier XXIX from the military school ranks today. He hopes to improve on their one thousand year playoff drought. The Baltimore Colts are happy with their new rookie QB Unitas XXXVI after his 400 yard passing game on Sunday. The Colts are happy with his progress so far and hope he's as good some day as Carson Palmer or Craig Krenzel the ancients.


In rollerball hot stove league the New York Emperors hope to make a deal with the East Chicago Cubsfans on Ali Emphoreim the MVP wing back. The Emporers are hoping to make a deal that is under the salary cap. The Cubsfans hope to get two defenders and a player to be named later.

That's all for the sports report.

This is Sasquatch the XXVIII telling you. "No matter what you do or where go, always kick your opponet in the balls and taunt his fans."
:evilgrin:

[GURUving]

3. NEWSFLASH!!!!

The Council Overseers have proclaimed this "Inter-Galactic Day of Hunger". They have requested that anyone who notices what appears to be someone eating more than their fair rations of food report this individual immediately for retro-biological-deactivation.

Also, please remember, you may push any button on your touchtext screen to re-select our Great Imperial Misunderestimated One! (of course, I am referring to our infinite leader, "Jeb'sDNA-right large toenail". You may also vote for "Jeb'sDNA-nostril hair", but be advised that "Jeb'sDNA-right large toenail" has a tendency to be devious. Please note, therefore, your vote may not be recorded.

[Bombero1956]

5. and sadly

the Red Sox still haven't won the Galactic Series even though there's only one other team.

[GURUving]

6. Cheer up!

The Cubs can't possibly win it EVERY year, or CAN they?

[GURUving]

7. Entertainment Update!

Though she by far holds the record for "Most Admired Spiritual Leader",Britney Spears (clone #7), says her "music" will not let her go. Millions have gathered annually for her Give It Up To The Sky Chief concert, and still millions more visit weekly the many shrines across the known universe dedicated to re-creating what has become known only as "The Asparagus Miracle".

In her most recent interview, from deep within the walls of Earth's most prestigious "mental" home, she stated with conviction:

I AM so innocent!

[GURUving]

8. This day in History News Segment!

On this day in history, the following statement was made by the then leader of Mars:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=630972

Sure, we can all have a big laugh about it now, but read your history books! That Dubya was (to use the terminology of the times ) one tough-clint eastwood-charles bronson-bronson pinchot-andy dick-kinda guy. He wouldn't back down unless he had to. And now you know why Mars is the way it is.

Note from the editor:

Are there no freelancer reporters out there?

[7th_Sephiroth]

9. and this week at war

Galactic Dominator Bush has ordered every civillian with less that 1,000,000 credits on thier card to go to war against the marauders on Alpha centauri, the marauders are 20 ft. tall beasts with giant claws, teeth and psycho kenetic powers.

[7th_Sephiroth]

11. and now news of hope

today is being called hope day in this the year 2020, as lots of good stuff happened all that the same time, first of all war criminals Beorge W. Gush, Chick Deney, John Asskroft, Snarl Drove were executed for committing the worlds most horrible crimes, and 150,000 counts of capital murder, along with the self proclamed master of evil Ken lay, at the same time earth's first manned mission to mars was launched, and all forms of the cannibis plant are made legal, now we return you to reality

[GURUving]

12. kick it

because they told me to.