A Contest---Who can write the worst opening to a story?

[Zuni]

It could be up to one paragraph. Make the worst intro youy can possibly think of. I will start with an example. You can submit as many as you like. Make it as funny as possible.

Here is an example:
It was about 6 in the evening as my white Chevy Bronco pulled into the gates of the Neverland ranch. Beside me sat Sister Henrietta, the Nun from England. The smell of the hamsters in the back seat was stomach churning. I turned on the car radio, and waited with the gun in my hand.

[AlGore-08.com]

1. George W. Bush won the election on November 9th, 2004.

(I'm pretty sure I win now... )

[SheilaT]

22. The election had been delayed

a week while the nice folks at Diebold fixed some problems with their voting machines.

[CO Liberal]

2. It Was Shortly After Noon On The East Coast......

as the balding, overweight junkie removed the smelly cigar from his vvulgar mouth, popped in a ahndful of prescription painkiller pills, washed them down with a long swig of vodka, turned on the microphone, and said "Greetings, conversationalists all across the fruited plain - this is Rush Limbaugh on the Excellence in Broadcasting Network..."

:-)

[RandomKoolzip]

3. "As the poprocks and coke made zany cartwheels in my gullet...

I decided that NOW was the time to untie my son and wipe the clown white make up from his crotch."

[Zuni]

4. excellent

That was really good.

[Zuni]

5. Another one from me

I lay still in bed for an hour or two after it hit me. I now knew what I wanted to do with my life, I now had a purpose. That day I was going to give my life to the carnival---I was now a carnie.

[Rabrrrrrr]

6. It was a cold and wet evening. It was raining.

The kind of a rain that just comes down and down and gets you really wet, soaked right down to the bones, even through my raincoat, which is a really good raincoat, the kind that pretty good private eyes wear, like me. I'm a private eye. And tonight it was raining. A lot. I was so wet, I was cold and shivery as I entered my office and spoke to my secretary. "Cold out?" she stupidly asked me, like a small child asking a tall adult "what's the weather up there like?" I hate stupidity, and she was stupid, and I can't stand her any more. So I'm standing there, all wet and stuff, trying to get my coat off because it was wet from the raining that was happening outside, and I'm dripping all over the floor now, but I get it off and manage to hang it on the coat rack I bought just so that I'd have a place to put my raincoat, or other coats I might own, which I do own several of different colors, too, and so there it was, and there the coat went on. Hanging there, dripping on the floor, drip drip drip, like some slanteye's water torture test, except without the bamboo, and without the chink, or the torture part. "What do I have to do tonight?" I asked that stupid secretary I don't know why I hired. "How should I know, you big galoot?" She had nice legs, but she was as dumb as the kind of person who would do stupid things, that's how dumb she is. I mean, really. So I sat at my desk, after moving into the room my desk is in and closing the door behind me between me and the stupid secretary, and I looked out the window that my office had and I'm watching it rain now, wondering if anything will happen tonight, case-wise, or if I'll just end up sitting here twiddling my thumbs like some poor old stupid old private eye who never gets business or something. But now, the phone rings! So I answered it. I might be a case! I don't know yet.

(bad on so many levels, I'm proud of myself!)

[Zuni]

8. first rate

this is really good.

[RandomKoolzip]

11. You sure that's not an unrecorded Nick Danger radio play?

You actually emulate Phil Austin's style amazingly well...

[Rabrrrrrr]

23. Could be! I was thinking in terms of really bad detective fiction

and also people who speak constantly on tangents and have a hard time getting to the point.

:-)

[gator_in_Ontario]

66. 3rd eye!

[gator_in_Ontario]

67. 3rd eye!

[BrotherBuzz]

82. You win...

Two olives for your 'tini!

[Rabrrrrrr]

98. I thank you!

And my 'tini thanks you!

I'm especially proud of my inability to pick a tense. :-)

[kymar57]

102. We have a winner n/t

[underpants]

7. It was a dark and storming night and his rash had become unberable....

What could he do? He thought to himself.

The options ran threw his head and he finally decided that the answer may vary well lie in excessive drinking, mustard pacts, and something involving a Coleman habachi. He set off for the night's work.

[Zuni]

10. I cannot believe how good these are

yet another one that had me howling

[muriel_volestrangler]

56. you've come very close to the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

"Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. The contest (hereafter referred to as the BLFC) was the brainchild (or Rosemary's baby) of Professor Scott Rice, whose graduate school excavations unearthed the source of the line "It was a dark and stormy night." Sentenced to write a seminar paper on a minor Victorian novelist, he chose the man with the funny hyphenated name, Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who was best known for perpetrating The Last Days of Pompeii, Eugene Aram, Rienzi, The Caxtons, The Coming Race, and--not least--Paul Clifford, whose famous opener has been plagiarized repeatedly by the cartoon beagle Snoopy.

Conscripted numerous times to be a judge in writing contests that were, in effect, bad writing contests but with prolix, overlong, and generally lengthy submissions, he struck upon the idea of holding a competition that would be honest and -- best of all -- invite brief entries. Furthermore, it had the ancillary advantage of one day allowing him to write about himself in the third person."

The main site is down at the moment, but here's the Google cache, 2002 results and 2003 results

[Zuni]

71. The Bulwer Lytton Contest is where

I got this idea. I have an old book with some of the entries in it. It is hilarious.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

99. I won First Place in the SF category back in 97...

A dubious honeor if ever there was.

A great endeavor and a lot of fun.

[BrotherBuzz]

104. Well, Well...

Post it for our pleasure!

Thank you in advance...

Hey, it beter not involve the planet Tralfamadore ... and mating with the beautiful Earthling movie star Montana Wildhack....I saw her first and came up with the idea, Kurt only borrowed it from me (with my blessings of course). Wait, that was only a dream...Ahhh, dreams...

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

105. LOL... Here it is:

The cells divided at an alarming rate as Dr. Bob gasped in amazement and told his lovely blond but intelligent assistant, "Eureka! this is really neat, a baby monster is now growing in out hi-tech, whiz-bang laboratory... I wonder if our hi-tech, whiz-bang containment field will contain this new, monstrous, really ugly, man-eating being so it can't get out and destroy the world when it gets real big.



(Hats off to Melville for the inspiration of the run on sentence as an art form.)

[Beetwasher]

9. Zak yawned as he

affixed another white, ridged screw-on top to the tube of toothpaste. There were hundreds more tubes on the conveyor belt and thousands of tops in the bin next to him. It was going to be yet another long, boring day in the factory. This is the story of that banal day.

[Zuni]

13. good one BW

these are serious contenders for the prize. I am LOL!

[terrya]

12. Here's mine...

I was sitting at the bar, late one Saturday evening. The air was redolent of mystery and danger, not to mention cigarettes. I was a nursing a bourbon. And then...through the smoky haze of a bar that's seen better times...she walked in the room. Long legged, blond...and a woman who hasn't seen solid food in quite some time. She sat next to me, turned and said "My name is Ann. Liberals are worthless scum and traitors". She then knocked back shot after shot after shot of booze, all the while conducting a non-stop harrangue of nonsense...it was if she never left her own crazed world. Right then and there I knew it...she wasn't just a woman...she was more man than I could handle....or stomach.

[RandomKoolzip]

14. "The night was dark. The rain was wet.

There were three three books on the nightstand: a bible, a PDR, and G. Gordon Liddy's latest. He masturbated, furiously."

[Zuni]

15. The truck's tire popped loudly on the gravel road

Sam, the driver grumbled as he stepped into the warm afternoon sun. He better get the truck into Des Moines quickly, or all the polish sausage in the back might spoil.

[Loonman]

16. Marvin Spunkmyer

Marvin Spunkmyer liked sawdust. He liked it a lot. He liked it so much he used to put it in his underwear. He would sleep that way, with sawdust eventually covering his bedroom floor.

Marvin was an unassuming character. His interests outside of sawdust included fanbelts, edible underwear, Bleu Cheese dressing and Aardvarks. Once he considered owning a hamster, but changed his mind.

He used to drink water. Occasionally. Every now and then he would enjoy some Macaroni and Cheese washed down with a luke-warm Moxie. But not today.

He was out of Moxie. Marvin went to the supermarket.

[Zuni]

20. far out

I like to put sawdust in my underwear. Fanbelts, blue cheese, and aardvarks. That is too much.

[Loonman]

24. I just love that name

Spunkmyer.

[Zuni]

27. aren't there cookies named Spunkmeyer?

Like otis Spunkmeyer or something?

[Loonman]

28. That's the one

Spunkmeyer.

[Zuni]

30. I think I'll say it again as well

Spunkmeyer.

[Beetwasher]

17. Once Upon A Time

there was this guy that did some stuff. The end.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

18. 'But you don't understand, Ann' said Rush, a truly breathtaking man

'Talk Radio is the future. It's the new way of getting the truth out there to the honest-to-goodness working class folks of America. When I'm on air, piercing the moist wall democrat of lies with the giant virile lance of truth, I get such a rush knowing that I'm doing some good in the world. It's the best high there is, honey, there is absolutely no drug in the world that can beat it...'
'Take me now, Rush, you marvellous god of a man!'

[Rabrrrrrr]

19. I fi hadn't been totally and suddenly overcome by painful rectal itch,

maybe I could have saved that child. But I couldn't. I was so obsessed with scratching, the child died, with his family. But that's beside the point, because this is a novel about me, John Smith, a simple everyman, and my last days as an accountant just before retiring on an annuity earning almost 9 percent. I call it, "That's My Pencil, You Green-Hatted Albatross".

[Loonman]

21. Bill O'Reilly's tanned and tight body....

.....looked so damn fine to Ann that she could hardly contain herself. She undressed quickly....
-------------------------------------------------------




I just can't do it.

[RandomKoolzip]

25. "Ever since the wife taped over my collection of "Charles in Charge"

episodes, I found that the only thing that could get me off was to strap our shar-pei puppy to the top of the fridge with a strip of leather as I spat pistaschio shells at my autographed picture of Joe Lieberman.

As the hulls flew, I stopped in my tracks as the phone rang. I picked it up. It was Judge Scalia- AGAIN.

"What are you wearing," he muttered under his breath..."

[Rabrrrrrr]

29. ROTFL!!!

:bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

[Zuni]

26. All of my life

I have been fascinated by two things: Telephone books and foot/toe fungus. Now I finally had a dream job that enabled me to pursue both interests as a career.

[EarlG]

31. Here's mine....

Oograh woke and scratched himself. Today was the second day since the noise god had come from the sky and made the fire which he, Oograh, had captured. Living, breathing fire, flickering and hot, now trapped on the end of a stick which he was carefully shielding from the wind. Oograh was keen to show his tribe the marvels of the hot thing that could cause pain; yet also pleasure, in the form of cooking animals, creating light, and so forth.

Oograh was a caveman, and in a direct parallel to his own awakening that morning, it was also very much the dawn of mankind. Also, the trip he was about to make across the dusky and dangerous plain to return the fire to his tribe was not dissimilar to the journey mankind itself was about to begin. The plain was filled with sabre-tooth tigers and other deadly dangers and dastardly deeds were sure to await him. But Oograh trusted his caveman instincts and his faithful wolfhound, Gruff.

[ScreamingMeemie]

92. You are related to Jean M. Auel are you???

:thumbsup:

[markses]

32. Here's my try

Marshall loved cheese. Loved it. His friends would say "Here comes the cheese man" when he walked into rooms. He especially liked nacho cheese, and those pre-shredded "Mexican taco" cheese packages you get in a supermarket, which he would open up and dig into with thumb and forefinger as he walked down the street. Sometimes Marshall thought his love of cheese was truly his downfall, because without his Mexican-taco cheese packages, he would never have met Delila.

---snip---

I think we can all see where this one is going...;-)

[Rabrrrrrr]

33. I had closed my door just before the neighbor's apartment exploded.

The echoes of the explosion rattled through our building. Glass, furniture and body parts were flying out the window and landing in the courtyard. People were screaming all up and down the block. The mayhem, the horror, were extreme. I waited, quietly, in my bathroom, for it all to end. When it was silent, I took my phone off the hook so as not to be disturbed, went into my den, and continued working on my passion: a 1/25 fully-detailed scale model of the Shire with working fireplaces, hinged doors, and grain of wheat light bulbs representing hobbit holes currently being used. I would go down in history!

[Zuni]

34. So far i see a number of potential winners

a couple of these were real gut busters. I am at work now, and laughed out loud several times, quite inappropriately.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

35. The Zzzgaarrthantran death-beast inched ever forwards.

Jack Jackson knew his time had come. The lives of six zillion innocent Flarkqins depended on him. Jackson went rigid, hoping to distract the hideous seventeen legged slimecrab by playing dead. Would it work? If not, Jackson was deader than the dead sand sea of Yerfillag. In other words, pretty dead. Jackson aimed his megablasteroid ray. His last thoughts were of the beautiful Princess Th'narhagag. It was time to meet his makers.

[bif]

36. As he pulled himself up to his knees

and crawled out of the pool of vomit, he smiled suavely and blew his dreamangel a kiss.

[EarlG]

37. Ooh, I've got another one

Turmoil had engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems was in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation had stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo. While the congress of the Republic endlessly debated this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...

[Zuni]

42. wait!

That sounds vaguely familiar. Wasn't that an episode of Third rock from The Sun? Alf? Night Court?

[Robb]

38. Hell, I'll write the whole book.

"Fuck 'em," I said, dying.

THE END

###

[RandomKoolzip]

39. "Stately, plump Buck Mulligan...."

Oh. Wait, that's already been used.

[ronnykmarshall]

40. Suicide hotline

It was late at night, the times when a phone rings your heart leaps out of your chest. It was my job to help some lost souls who reached out in the darkness. I loved my work. It was hard and trying at times, but when know you've help save a life it was worth it.

My co-worker asked me to pick up line 7, the caller was very disturbed and my co-worked was worried that we might lose him.

"Hello, sir" I answered in a calm soothing voice. His tears almost came though the phone. You could feel the pain in his voice as he told his story.

"I can't believe that I am calling here. B, bu, but my life seems to be in a tail spin and I don't know what to do!" he sobbed

"Don't worry, we're here to help you. We can get through this. Can you tell me your name, sir?" I asked

"It's Fred. Fred Phelps." he responded

"Can you, hold for a minute?" <click>

[kmla]

41. "Geezly crow. This has to be one of the worst parades ever"

said the grizzled old private eye, as he sat on the curb in the comforting shadow of a dented mail drop box. "I haven't seen that first Shriner on a mini-bike. What kind of town is this?"

He looked fleetingly like Sam Elliot, but had a slight paunch and his right eye always seemed to be looking over your shoulder when you made eye contact with him. Which hardly anyone ever did.

He was there on what could loosely be called business. He wasn't getting paid for this job. It was a freebie. He was tracking down the ex-fiance of an old army buddy. He said she would be easy to locate, for she had only one eyebrow, and a monochromatic tattoo of Caspar Weinberger on her left forearm.

"Amazing what a bottle of Wild Turkey will do to your vision," he thought as he looked at her faded photo again. How could his buddy have chosen this woman?

As he gazed into the faces of the approaching marching band members(which was a little heavy in the tuba section, by the way), he saw her on the other side of the street. She had tried to conceal her identity by dyeing her hair and wearing a long sleeve shirt in the middle of the August heat. But there is only so much tweezing you can do to one eyebrow...

Howzzat?

[Zuni]

44. Caspar Weinberger

that was a great reference

[Screaming Lord Byron]

43. Richard III was mad. He was mad at Virton for resurrecting him from

the sweet sleep of death. He was mad at Edward VIII for turning him over to the maniac Himmler. He was going to get even. Strapping on the Panzerfaust rocket launcher to his malformed shoulder, Richard aimed the unwieldy Nazi weapon at Genghis Khan's fast approaching Sherman tank. Richard had one chance to defeat the Mongol / Soviet hordes, to break into the Schloss Adler, kill Nostradamus and rescue Princess Diana. The plan had to work.

[Zuni]

45. Byron

that was just silly.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

49. Come on, I thought it stunk.

Perhaps I should try worse next time.

[underpants]

46. There it was before him in the forrest clearing a young doe.....

surely as tender and juicy as they come. But he had no gun: they were too poor to afford a gun let alone the ammunition that was why he was standing in the middle of a snow covered forrest in the middle of the night and not at a supermarket or doing cheese and chili shooters at the 7-11 and it was raining. Luckily his pet duck was with him; it was wet and cold, the kind of cold that had frozen it to the consistency of a bowling pin. He knew what he had to do so he lept at the doe and mercilessly began smashing it about the head and shoulders with the duck. The doe was felled but he now was saddened by the loss of his great friend and pet so he sliced open the doe and crawled inside it's warm belly to spend the night. Suddenly alone he realized that the cold wet duck would be of little assistance in making a fire as smashing it against the frost covered rocks would produce no spark to start a fire, as it had before.

[Zuni]

51. I am a sucker for a good duck story

and this was a good duck story.

[Beetwasher]

47. Ferd Blerman Loved Numbers.

There were no two ways about it. Numbers numbers numbers! They floated through his head like stuff that floats through your head. His whole life was numbers and he liked it that way. Yup, he was an accountant and damn proud of it. The list in front of him was and endless stream of black and white figures and he was going to diligently make his way through the whole list checking, double checking and yes! even triple checking all the figures. He started at the top:

$21,433 plus $419.22...

[Blue-Jay]

48. "It was the best of times,

it was the blurst of times?!?!"

[Dookus]

50. Jack Patter stumbled through the thicket,

rifle at the ready. It'd had taken 12 years of bureaucratic wrangling and about a thousand lies to get to this point, but now he was drawing near to his dream.

The sharp bamboo cut at his legs as he wandered forward, stopping to listen every few minutes. "The little bastards really ARE elusive," he thought to himself. It was his 17th straight day on the hunt, but today he was more optimistic than ever before.

Soon... maybe today.... he'd prove to Marla, that stupid bitch of an ex-wife of his, that with enough will and fortitude, it really IS possible to hunt pandas.

[Zuni]

53. pandas

good one

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

52. OK

It was a day. It was just a day. It was just a day like any other day unlike the day before which was not like any other day. Then it slowly turned to night. A night which was like any other night following a day just like any other day. The next day would be different. I didn't know why, I just knew. I pulled the covers over my head.

[scottcsmith]

54. My entry

The freezing rain stung my face like an angry bee with a good dozen angry bee friends with him, all aiming for my eyes. As I wiped away the blood from my face I cursed God for my misfortune. I removed a revolver from my pocket, put the barrel to my chin, and pulled the trigger. When I died I realized that I was no longer alive, but the bees continued to sting me. But now, as a ghost, I could not swat them away. The afterlife would be difficult. I began to hum the Dutch national anthem. Then I realized I could not hum. But that didn't stop me. Soon, I thought, the King of Siam would grant me a wish.

[Solly Mack]

55. just cuz

I just wanted a Pepsi. All this because I was thirsty. Never before in the realm of human consciousness has so much been given for so little. A Pepsi. Something wet to cool my throat and give me a boost. Now I'll have to settle for R.C...Oh, the humanity.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

57. Here's a sequel.

Frodo reached into his pocket. "What have I got in my pockets?" he though vaguely. Pulling his hand up to his face, he was shocked to discover a plain gold ring. "Oh shit" was his last though as the Balrog fist smashed through his skull.

[kmla]

58. "Crap. I'm really bad at this inner dialogue stuff", he said aloud.

People looked and stared at him, much like they stare at people who admit that they actually collect chia pets. "I oughta learn to shut my pie-hole."

He was in a queue. A long queue. There looked to be at least 350 people in front of him.

"Are these tickets really worth it? A Milli Vanilli reunion tour?" he asked the girl next to him. "It's not like it's gonna be real, you know. Rob died a few years ago. It's just Fab, and that guy who used to be know as Vanilla Ice." But his remarks didn't register with her. There was no response.

She was completely deaf.

[Zuni]

70. excellent

good one

[SOteric]

59. I submit a reasonable facsimilie of my students' work BEFORE

they take my courses:

It was like Monday morning and Patty was still, like daydreaming about this guys she met, Ted. So she's all like, she goes to work, ya know... and it's like nine o'clock, ya know... and so she goes to her friend Trixie and she goes, "Like this Ted is soooo coool." So then it's like, lunch time, and like she's still tripping on Ted, and she like goes to the same cafeteria where they met, and she like order the same thing they had before, a tuna fish on rye, with a side order of french fries smothered in turkey gravy. So like then it's after lunch and she's like, thinking about Ted again while she's sharpening pencils and stuff and on the bus home she sees this guy that looked a bit like Ted but didn't have Ted's twinkiling eyes, and it made her wonder, like, if Ted ever took this same bus. She went to bed that night, still thinking of Ted.

[kmla]

60. That is such a bitchin' story!

Like, ya know?

[On the Road]

61. How About This?

"Mister Leopold Bloom ate with relish the inner organs of beast and fowl."

Oh, wait, that's been used already.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

62. Tom's blind date piled into the car.

Her perfume hinted of paperwhites with overtones of piss. The scent intertwined with the odor of the oil of clove-drenched cotton ball jammed into his broken bicuspid, making the air thick and sticky. It made him think of sex. Of course, almost everything made him think of sex; but luckily for him, on this particular occasion, it made his blind date think of sex too.

[TreasonousBastard]

63. Dirk knew...

that his career as an automobile insurance underwriter was going to take an exciting turn today.

[TreasonousBastard]

64. As the tumescence grew...

Albert knew that, once again, he would feel the anguish of unrequited love and would bury his sorrows in his pillow again. The pillow of sorrows, the pillow of desire, his comforter, his lover, and the only one who understood how much he desperately wanted to be in that movie. With her.

[Dookus]

65. Miranda crawled into bed...

and curled up against Jake as if nothing was wrong. She was good at hiding her feelings from him after all these years. Or perhaps he was good at ignoring them. Either way, she lay there next to him, listening to the rhythms of his breath until she was sure he was asleep. She tried to piece together everything that had gone wrong in the last two days. First, the hair on his shoulder that definitely wasn't hers. The smell of another woman on his clothes, and now, she could sense, in their bed. THEIR bed.

When she heard his first light snoring, she got out of bed quietly, softly walked over to his bedroom slippers, and managing to maintain dignity in this most undignified of positions, took a dump right in the left slipper, then just as quietly, crawled back into bed. If he thought he could screw with THIS cat, she was going to make sure he paid.

[patdem]

68. Zuni...this is a REAL contest with REAL prizes for 1st Place...are you

trolling for entries? Just asking

[Zuni]

69. no

but that is where I got this idea.

[Zuni]

72. another from me

It was dawn when Rick pulled into the parking lot, taking one last drag from his Camel ciggarette. The smell of eggs and bacon reached his nose, augmented by the scent of hotcakes and syrup. Yes he was lucky. The good people at the McDonalds had already thrown out the first batch of their breakfast menu, into the dumpster right infront of him. Whatever he did, he would be eating good today.

[Zuni]

75. this is my favorite of my own

I am happy with this one

[Zuni]

73. I am keeping this kicked for latre night entries

based on past expierience, late night is when some of the best discussions come out. Drunks, stoners, porn merchants, the unemployable, insomniacs, pill poppers, career criminals, people with the sleeping habits of cats, compulsive masturbators all need to be heard from.

[neebob]

74. Dad was right—

my chickens had come home to roost. All that worrying? So much interest I'd paid on a debt that had never come due. The only thing left to do was to to hold one hand out in front of me and the other under my ass and see which one filled up first. Then I saw him, standing by the door that might have hit him in the ass if he'd been on his way out. It was Thought, who thought he farted but he crapped his pants.

[BurtWorm]

76. "Hey! Where is everybody!" George shouted to a suddenly empty schoolroom.

"Where's that little colored boy who was explaining how a caterpillar can eat so much different stuff every day of the week? And what happens to that caterpillar critter anyway? I thought I was finally gonna get a answer." Little did George know, he was about to become a 'hungry little caterpillar' himself in the great cosmic boardbook of Our Lord.

[Zuni]

77. excellent juxtaposition of a story and graphic

good choice of graphics. GWB looks like a TV evangelist

[BritishHuman]

78. How about...

Angrily, Bob masturbated the doberman, all the while glancing at his watch. Would his Prince never come?

[Zuni]

86. excellent

just the stuff I am looking for

[BigDaddyLove]

79. It was a dark, stormy night...

and Mother was making cookies........

[guitar man]

80. George woke up slowly........

with a slight throbbing in his temples from all the champagne last night.Barb stirred beside him and rolled over,staring longingly into his eyes. "That was quite a night,George,are you ready to go again?",she purred. "Do we have any condoms left?" "Condoms?" "Uhh,what condoms?" asked George.......

[Dookus]

81. The night Britney and I got married.....

n/t

[populistmom]

83. The first words he said were "You don't know how to sweep"

Annoyed, she got back to what she was doing, unphased by this whack job. Shortly later, their strange neighbor from Detroit, kept bothering her. Suddenly, "Sweeper Guy" became her apartment building knight, saving her, as a young girl, on her own for the first time, from the evil, harrassing trenches of "Detroit Guy", whose famed line "Just anutha mutha f*ckin thang I gots ta deal with" echoes in their minds of a past. It was a past that probably should have ended right then and there given her initial gut reaction of Sweeper Guy. She was so sad though and soon, Sweeper Guy became her only friend. He liked it that way. She needed him. She just needed someone then, not experienced enough to fully investigate, certainly mature not enough to know what she wanted yet out of life, so he'd do (for now anyway). Little did she know where that past, where those decisions would ultimately lead.

(forgive me, yet again, I can't sleep)

[Supply Side Jesus]

84. "God damn her.."

"God damn her" he thought to himself as her snore penetrated the tranquility of the bedroom. "How does she get me to lie in the wet spot everytime, this isn't even my side of the bed!" He looked over at her and in the blue light of the moon every imperfection was outlined perfectly on her ugly face. "Jesus bitch, when are you going to die?"

[neebob]

85. This inspires me

Based on a true story:

She emerged from her bedroom on the morning of the six-hundred-and-seventy-fifth day, hopeful in the strange absence of the hideous, otherworldly snoring. Alas, the horrid creature on the couch was still breathing. Soon, it would awaken and ask her for money. Her chat-room romance had not turned out well.

[Zuni]

87. too bad it is true

it makes a great opening to a terrible novel

[Zuni]

88. kicked

for the voters

[Screaming Lord Byron]

89. A lot of people don't like cement. Jake wasn't one of them

to him cement seemed to be an ideal metaphor for the vagueries of human existence. Some days slowly rotating that thick grey soup through the rusty mixer, Jake's mind would wander, contemplating the inconsistency of the mix, imaging the small nuggets of hard substance as islands of unyielding mortar in a glutinous sea of obsequious life-soup. Jake would often get giddy just contemplating the full universes of thought he could inhabit through his cement work. Jake was no ordinary cement-mixer, he was a true artist.

[Zuni]

90. That is your best entry yet

I like this one

[kmla]

91. Eddie was pleased. He reveled in his accomplishment.

"That has to be the best bust of Elvis anyone has ever crafted out of braunschweiger. Ever." he said to himself. "But I sure could use a refrigerator, though. My art would last much longer, if only I had one."

He was an artist. An obsessive-compulsive one. It really didn't matter what he was doing, as long as he was creating something. He had tried physical arts at one time, but found that people were not receptive to his interpretive dancing. "Fuck those opera people. If they don't enjoy a twirly-swirly dance during the quiet passages, they can just kiss my artistic ass. They're snobs anyway."

The doorbell rang. It was Ned, the delivery guy from the grocery store. An entire case of Underwood Deviled Ham Spread awaited him.
"Excellent. I can now begin scuplting my interpretation of Earl Butz's bust. I have been waiting for this all freakin'day!"

Yes. It's true. Eddie sculpted solely in lucheon meats. Specifically those which could be spread on a cracker.

He was happy.

[Rabrrrrrr]

100. That's wonderfully bad!

I really, really love it when bad authors feel the need to tell us the character's motivations and psychology ("He was obsessive-compulsive", "people were not receptive", "I have been waiting all day", "He was happy"), instead of demonstrating it to us - it's such a horribly awful way to write. Well done!

[picus9]

93. The anal leakage was gone...

but my heartache was just beginning. It takes an unlucky man to catch dysentery and lose a lover in the same month.

My opening for the short, "Love in a Third World Country"

[picus9]

94. Tragedy

Cape Cod in july is not an abandoned place, not anymore, at least. Each year since he was a child there were more out of state cars clogging the once serene and precious roads.

But where were they tonight? The horizon in front of the plane was as dark as the water below was deep. In the distance only one landmark could be seen - the red lights a radio antenna - but what town was that? Harwich? Dennis? It couldn't be Hyannis. For once he wished that he had ventured off the compound more.

Then for the first time in his life he began to be afraid, he thought he may have made a mistake flying tonight. The fear boiled up from his stomach and clenched at his chest. "Calm down", he thought to himslef, "Nothing is going to happen to you... you're a Kennedy, for christ's sake."

[mouse7]

95. You place your hand on Lucienne Goldberg's naked breast...

...and feel her tremble. The sound of lust is in her voice. In her gutteral moans. You squeeze her nipples and play with the hair growing from them. She violently throws you back on the bed. She screams, "I'm taking you now." She leaps toward you.

[kmla]

96. OK.

That's just wrong.

On many levels.

Ewwwwwwwww.

[Deb]

97. Here you go

He was not really sure who he was for sure but she sure really was. It was all she really talked about for she sure didn't stop her talk on how sure she was of him but I sure was sure he sure didn't know how sure she was of him, Shirley was surely sure of him.

[DrWeird]

101. It all started with the massacre of the alien sex orgy.

Bruce von Spaceshipski had just pulled his cruiser out of superhypermega space after his mad flight from his victory against the Space Pirates of Alpha Beta Gamma. Upon viewing the twisted steaming bloody carnage of the royal democratic traditional sex orgy of the princesses of the MegaGlobalCompuCorp prime planet, he knew exactly who we had to get a final climactic revenge upon. And with a steely glare and furrowed brow, he muttered his curse.

"KAHM!, he shouted.:

...

[NightTrain]

103. I stared at the desert sand. My shit smelled like pastrami and looked...

...like an MX missile.


Hey, you wanted "worst!"