|
It's election year. It's Olympics year. And it's predictions time.
In politics...
President-elect Wesley Clark, the first general officer to be elevated to the chief executive since Eisenhower, will become the first newly elected president in history to begin his acceptance speech with "Marshals, take that man into custody." He'll be referring to George Bush, the last member of his administration to remain at large.
Three major scandals will collapse the Bush administration. The first is the conflict of interest inherent in a vice-president receiving a million dollars a year from Halliburton, then awarding huge no-bid contracts for the reconstruction of Iraq to the same company. The second is the outing of CIA clandestine service officer Valerie Plame, while the third is the multitude of lies and fabrications the Bush administration used to lead America into war with Iraq. Once all is said and done, only the kitchen staff will escape long prison terms.
Further, control of Congress will change massively from the GOP to the Republicans. To thank current House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for his bipartisan attitude toward the Democrats when they were in the minority, the new Democratic majority has already selected the perfect office for him. His desk will be between the water heater and the mops.
* * * * *
In business...
Wal-Mart will remain the top retailer in the world. They will expand their product lines, adding real estate, forklifts and marijuana to their broad product portfolio. Said a Wal-Mart spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, "someone in Bentonville realized that we were missing out on a whole market. After all, if we can walk into a major American manufacturer, tell them to shut down every stateside factory they have and move all production to Vietnam, and they'll do it, we figured we could walk into Congress and tell them to legalize our selling marijuana because we can put every pot dealer in America out of business tomorrow. And they did it too, but only for the high-quality marijuana we sell." The editor of High Times Magazine, not speaking on condition of anonymity, said "this shit ain't shit, man, it's all seeds and shake, who told these people they knew anything about grass? A dealer would get shot trying to sell this." You have to smoke three bags to get high, but Wal-Mart's terrible cannabis, priced at a market-leading five dollars an ounce, completely eliminated the illegal pot trade six weeks after weed showed up in every Wal-Mart store in America.
Wal-Mart will also begin selling lumber in all of its stores, attempting to crush Home Depot, the second-largest retailer in America. Home Depot will retaliate by purchasing Kmart and introducing the new "Super Home Depot" concept. A Super Home Depot will be formed by building a second story onto an existing Home Depot store and constructing a parking deck, then adding huge freight elevators at strategic locations throughout the complex. At Super Home Depot you can go downstairs and purchase everything to build a home, then go upstairs and purchase everything to fill it, including groceries. Said Super Home Depot customer Mary Francis, "I love Super Home Depot! It's so convenient! I can get everything I need at one stop, from towels to DVDs to a 4x4 timber for the new mailbox. I can do my grocery shopping and buy clothing all in one location. And my husband doesn't mind the weekly shopping trips anymore. The only problem I have is that last time we came to Super Home Depot, John bought two new toilets and a whole bunk of plywood--and our car is a Honda Civic."
* * * * *
In health...
A total of twenty cattle will test positive for Mad Cow Disease. Twenty thousand dairy cattle in the Northwest will be euthanized and cremated to stop the spread. Farmers in Wisconsin will supply the Northwest with milk, while Danish farmers will sell uninfected cattle to the United States to help rebuild the herds. All cattle will be fed a strictly vegetarian diet consisting of grasses, hays and grains instead of the animal-protein-containing feeds believed to be at fault for Mad Cow Disease. Downer cattle will be routinely shot and cremated, not butchered for consumption. Liquid milk supplies will take precedence over the production of converted dairy products, meaning neither cheese nor ice cream will be made from cow's milk until the end of the crisis. Ads similar to the World War II-era "when the war is over, you can buy this again" campaigns will instill the desire to eat yogurt into the hearts of Americans, and Gelato Tours to Italy, where ice cream is readily available, will become the rage among the rich. At the end, the security of the American food supply will be ensured. However, the drive to do this will be initiated, financed by and led by the American Dairy Farmers Association, since the Bush Administration will continue to insist that the American beef and milk supply is safe even as stories of mercenaries being hired by farmers to gun down entire herds of dairy cattle take over the evening newscasts.
In the wake of new discoveries that soybeans, lettuce and carrots are actually bad for you and bourbon, prime steaks and fine cigars contain life-sustaining compounds, the Center for Science in the Public Interest disbands. "It was three of us at the beginning," said one of the founders. "We did it as kind of a joke--you know, see if you could get people to voluntarily eat things no one likes. But then it backfired--people thought we were serious, and started actually living like we told 'em to. It was great, y'know? But in the wake of these discoveries, we've regrouped. John and Sydney are opening a steakhouse, and I've just purchased a cigar bar right next door. But it was fun while it lasted."
* * * * *
In engineering...
A 15-kilowatt natural-gas-powered fuel cell is introduced. The device produces clean 220-volt AC power and can be plumbed into residential gas lines. The CEOs of Lowe's and Home Depot see this device at the Chicago Merchandise Mart, get contracts and start selling it as a standby power source. Over 25,000 are sold in the first year as a non-polluting, noiseless way to survive a power outage. Congress gets involved when the 30-kilowatt version is introduced; by using this machine, you can produce all of your electricity for a nickel a kilowatt and starve the power company.
A two-tone green/gold paint scheme becomes the popular color for new cars, showing customers' rising affluence and affection for the environment. Unfortunately, Faith Popcorn's trend company BrainReserve had previously identified brick red, a color associated with home, as the hot color for cars in 2004, causing manufacturers to paint 65 percent of all the new cars that shade even though about forty people like that color, and they all bought Honda Elements which really do look like bricks. BASF stock rises fifteen euros a share on the news that its Glasurit Performance Coatings division received an order for enough materials to repaint thirty million cars.
* * * * *
In entertainment...
We won't get a Schwarzenegger film.
We will get Die Hard 4. (It's listed on imdb.com as "in production.") However, it will be a romantic comedy.
We won't get Star Wars on DVD.
We will get the second South Park movie.
We will also get 300 "romantic" movies. There will be 175 romantic comedies and 125 romantic dramas. This is because it's not politically correct to do a movie, book or song with any hint of violence in it after 9/11.
Which is probably why I shouldn't write that book about someone taking a Wal-Mart hostage because there are 250 people in line for the one open register with 65 associates looking at the customers going "sucks to be you"...
* * * * *
In sports...
There will be no college football playoff system. Instead, we'll receive Bowl Championship Series Version 4.0a. In BCS4, conference championship games will be abolished. This will prevent arguments such as "Oklahoma didn't deserve to be in the Sugar Bowl because they lost their conference championship." Drop out the Big 12 championship game and Oklahoma's a 12-0 team. The beloved seven computer rankings will remain in effect.
NASCAR is changing their scoring system for one that looks primarily at the last ten races. The intent is to make sure the guy who won one race this year while another guy wins eight doesn't win the Nextel Cup. (It's no longer the Winston Cup.) However, it's going to look at the same thing 2003's system looked at: position at the checkered flag. I can design a better system, and over the course of this year you will see it in action. Look for the description in a Rant coming soon to an e-mail message near you.
Now, who's going to win the first Nextel Cup? Ryan Newman. Eight wins in 2003 were no fluke.
Pete Rose admitted he bet on baseball. He still won't get into the Hall of Fame.
The National Basketball Development League will expand into ten more small markets. Arena owners like the NBDL because it's a way to sell another night's use of the building. The WNBA will fold as America comes to grips with the fact that there are exactly five sports women play in that people will pay money to watch: golf, tennis, bodybuilding, bowling and drag racing. Sad but true: Women can play basketball or soccer well, but the only people who watch are other women who play those sports themselves.
In NHRA Pro Stock Motorcycle, Reggie Showers will have his breakthrough year and win the championship. Showers is listed as the "world's fastest amputee"--the man lost both of his legs while still a child, and he still has at least one national event win.
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
