My dad died today

[EstimatedProphet]

Congestive heart failure, coupled with a pre-leukemia condition and pneumonia. He wasn't producing white blood cells. This has been going on now for a couple months, and then he came down with pneumonia last week. That was pretty much it. He was 73.

I'm not very torn up about this. I guess it's been in the back of my mind for a while that things were going to end soon. So, there's no shock, and not much pain. I'm crying a little bit and I'm a little hurt but that's all. Maybe it just hasn't set in yet.

My father was abusive and a pedophile. He was prone to sudden violent outbursts, often dangerous, where something as small as an incorrectly set dinner table would make him fly into a rage and throw the table across the room with no warning. He was disturbingly addicted to pornography, to the point that he used to go to sex shops for hours and leave me in the car when I was 8 to "watch out". He also was a fanatic attention-seeker and delighted in loudly interrupting people's conversations whom he didn't even know, even though it was embarrassing to be around. My most common memories from childhood were of trying to hide from people's laughter or anger, or hoping to God that a tranquil situation wouldn't suddenly erupt into violence.

It took a long time for me to move on from the abuse, and frankly I wouldn't have been able to do it without the Prophetess. She helped me let go of my anger so that I could see clearly, and look at who I am now and how to live my life. I couldn't, and never did, do it without her. I've been able to step back a bit now. I can now see that my father was just a man who had his own problems. He was trying to make sense out of a life he didn't understand, and he really didn't want to cause us kids pain. The childhood I had was painful in many ways, but I've been able to come to terms with it now, and move on to taking advantage of the time I have on earth.

Rest in peace, dad.

[KitchenWitch]

1. I am sorry for both of your losses

First the loss of your dad. Second the loss you suffered during your childhood, by not having a dad who was mentally healthy and responsible.

:hug:

[Radio_Lady]

2. Dear EP... I could have written most of what you wrote. My father

died in 1988, and I never shed a tear.

It's a long story and I've posted about it before. Suffice it to say you are free of the obligation to deal with this man anymore.

"Try to remember the good times..." is what a psychologist said to me.

I hope there were some.

RIP to your father.

In peace,

Radio_Lady in Oregon

[ohiosmith]

3. Peace to you and yours.

[Bunny]

4. I'm sorry. I hope your father is at peace.

And I'm glad you've been able to move on. :hug:

[Skittles]

5. I'm with you, EP

it is very, very hard growing up with a mentally ill parent

[av8rdave]

6. So sorry for your loss

[RevCheesehead]

7. I am so very sorry.

A loss is still a loss. And you have two: the loss (death) of your father, and the loss of having the kind of dad you hoped you could. The death of a dream is still very painful.

My prayers are with you. :hug:

[graywarrior]

8. So sorry for your emotional conflict and loss, EP.

[brook]

9. I'm sorry

for a childhood that was so blighted by your father's behaviors. I admire your honesty and the effort you've obviously made to come to terms with it and him. And I'm happy you share your life now with someone who has been so nurturing and loving. :hug: Peace to you and yours.

[crispini]

10. .

:hug:

[Fenris]

11. I'm terribly sorry on many levels.

:(

I am glad you have come to terms with it. I'm not sure I could do the same.

[trof]

12. Pneumonia: "the old man's friend".

I'm sorry for your loss.
One of my physician friends calls pneumonia "the old man's friend":

"Pneumonia is called the old man's friend because, left untreated, the sufferer often lapses into a state of reduced consciousness, slipping peacefully away in their sleep, giving a dignified end to a period of often considerable suffering."

Peace

[BarenakedLady]

13. I'm so very sorry

For everything you have gone through. :hug:

[SPKrazy]

14. Wow, I'm So Sorry

both for your loss of your dad, but for the trauma you experienced as a child.

Sounds like he was full fledged sexually addicted and a pedophile and you had some horrendous things happen.

Good vibes to you and healing from it all!
edit: just sorry man


:hug:

[greatauntoftriplets]

15. I am so sorry for your loss....

and for what he put you through.

:hug:

[bigwillq]

16. I am sorry for you.

I am sorry you had to go through what you did as a child.

But as you have written, it seems like you were able to deal with the situation as you became an adult and moved on from it. Good for you. Some people can never do that.


Sorry to hear about your dad's passing.

Take care.

:hug:

[flamingyouth]

17. I'm so sorry - for everything.

Your dad sounds a lot like my grandfather.

I really feel for you. I'm glad you were able to write about this, and very glad you have your dear Prophetess to share your life.

All my best to you. :hug:

[EstimatedProphet]

18. Thank you everyone for your kind words

[GoddessOfGuinness]

19. I'm so sorry, EstimatedProphet...

I'm sorry that your childhood was clouded with such painful events. :hug:

I'm glad that you've been able to put things into perspective, and let go of your anger. Having had similar issues with my own father, I know how important that is. I wish peace to you and all your family. :hug:

[xchrom]

20. sorry estimated prophet -- life was not kind to you as a child.

and that's really sad.

sorry about dad --

bless you and all in your house.

[peacefreak]

21. I wish you peace.

May you find happiness & fulfillment in your life. If you ever decide to have children, I know you will be loving & nurturing. I've read your posts over the years & you seem to be a very kind person. Your core is pure. You will be in my thoughts.

[Zomby Woof]

22. May you find peace from this

I am very sorry... I cannot imagine what you endured growing up, and the conflicts you feel. May peace be with your family.

[dolo amber]

23. ...

:hug:

[asthmaticeog]

24. ...

:hug:

[Shell Beau]

25. Wow!! I am just sorry! Sorry for your loss and for some of

the things you went through! You are definitely in my prayers! :hug:

[Catfight]

26. I'm really sorry, my condolences. nt

[Magrittes Pipe]

27. That's a lot.

Knowing you, I'm very impressed at how well you've turned out. You're quite a man, and you've overcome a lot. Now that your dad is dead, it's another thing to overcome. I have no doubt that you'll come out of this loss even better than before. Funny how we can live in such fear, yet still have love in our hearts... it's just so human of us.

Take care, buddy. I'm sorry for today and for yesterday. :hug:

[Blue-Jay]

28. EP, I'd like for you to come visit us in Lake County some day.

I'm not sure whether to offer my condolences, my understanding, or my "good vibes" (whatever that means).

[slj0101]

29. I am very sorry to hear that.

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

30. My dear EstimatedProphet......

I am sorry for all your losses.......

But I feel that you have made the best of a very bad situation.....

And I am so glad you have the Prophetess to help you get through all this....

May your dad rest in peace, indeed......

And may you continue to enjoy your peaceful days.........:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

31. *hugs* May both of you now move on to better things

[EstimatedProphet]

32. Again, thank you everyone

I would have liked to put more effort into watching this thread and responding, but I have to make arrangements and it's taking up my time. Short notice for flights, and we're still not over Christmas spending yet.

All of your words have been kind. It's helping me think clearly. Thank you

[JVS]

33. My condolences

[Hugin]

34. Maybe now you can find some closure...

I'm glad you've moved on with the help of the Prophetess.

There is a sadness which comes from the passing of anyone and especially
a parent even if their effect on your life was less than beneficial.

You have my sympathy and may time heal your wounds and your memory.

Take care.

[ellisonz]

35. RIP Father of EstimatedProphet.

n/t.

[johnnie]

36. Please accept my condolences

You are a great person with a wonderful heart. I am surprised to read of your childhood, but it says so much about you as a person. I am sorry for your loss, and that you have come to the conclusion that your father was just a man with his own problems. Many people live their whole lives without realizing that.

Take care my friend.

[Burma Jones]

37. I'm sorry for your loss and I am happy for your life

I've been there, but it was Mom......

[NC_Nurse]

38. I'm so sorry for your losses...

today and yesterday. I am glad you have the support of the Prophetess to get through it all.
RIP, EP Dad.

[ronnykmarshall]

39. Love to you!

:loveya:

I'm so sorry.

Stay strong baby!

[bridgit]

40. all our best to you EP, and to Prophetess...

:hug:

[lavenderdiva]

41. I am so very sorry, EstimatedProphet for your loss

and for all the years of hurting you have experienced. Your insight into your father and his behaviour is remarkable, considering what all you have gone through. You will be in my prayers... :hug:

[liberaltrucker]

42. Condolences

To both the young and mature EP. Our prayers are with you.

:hug:

[jarab]

43. My condolences, EP.

...O...

[gemdem]

44. Peace to you. n/t

[SeattleGirl]

45. My condolences, EP

My dad had a lot of problems too (mostly springing from his alcoholism), and we had a love/hate kind of relationship. But when he died at the age of 43 (I was 21), I was devastated. Over the years, I've learned more about him, and I understand him better, as well as understanding my relationship with him in a new, clearer way. I miss him, but I'm glad the bad stuff is no longer in my life.

I wish you peace. :hug:

[tigereye]

46. oh

hugs for you, EP. :grouphug:

[Midlodemocrat]

47. EP, I'm so very sorry for all your sorrow.

I am equally happy that you have dealt with your pain and are having such a wonderful life with the beautiful Prophetess.

Much peace to you. :hug:

[lizziegrace]

48. I'm sorry for your loss

now and as a child. May this put a final closure on your childhood.

:hug: to you and the Prophetess. You're a very special couple.

[swimboy]

49. I'm sorry, my friend.

His life gave you so much to try to deal with and his death gives you so much to reflect on. I hope he has found peace.

I'm sending good thoughts out to you and the Prophetess.

[Swede]

50. Condolences EstimatedProphet.

Peace to you and your family.

[Haole Girl]

51. Sorry, EstimatedProphet

Your post was very moving.

You should be extremely proud of yourself, for being able to move on from the abuse.

Take care. Hugs to you and your family... :hug: :hug: :hug:

[JCMach1]

52. So sorry

:(

[Brewman_Jax]

53. My condolences

I'm sorry to hear. Good thoughts to you from me and the cat.

[Phillycat]

54. I am sorry for the loss of your childhood.

I grew up in very similar circumstances, and that hypervigilance you describe (waiting in terror for the mood to explode and being aware of what mood they were in even when they were across the house) actually serves me very well in life. I hope you have found similar gifts from the tragedy of your childhood.

RIP to your father. And peace and healing to you. :hug:

[myrna minx]

55. I am so sorry for your loss.

:hug:

[Zavulon]

56. I'm sorry to hear about all of this.

I hope everything from this point on goes well for you.

[Left Is Write]

57. I'm very sorry, EP.

:hug:

Much love to you and the Prophetess (I miss her!).

[Call Me Wesley]

58. Safe passage to your dad,

might his suffering have come to an end. Peace and comfort to you and yours. :hug: You should read Sartre's biography, especially the part when his dad died - it's totally honest.

[EstimatedProphet]

59. Thanks all

We were fortunate to be able to find a flight this weekend which isn't going to break us. That is a blessing.

[NewWaveChick1981]

60. I'm sorry, EstimatedProphet...

:hug:

[proud patriot]

61. Oh man

I'm here if you need anything .

[mdmc]

62. sorry to hear this

peace

[TheProphetess]

63. Thought I'd make an appearance to say thank you to everyone in this thread

It warms my heart to read all of your kind words to EP. It helps (both of us) more than you could know.

Those of you who have met EP in real life have mentioned what a great person he is and you are 100% right. I often tell him how truly amazed I am that he turned out to be as wonderful a man as he is, given his male role model growing up. This is a man with incredible integrity, passion, intellect, and humor. He is honest and straight-forward; a genuinely nice guy.

Something EP didn't mention in his post is that his parents had an awful marriage (lasting 20 years before they finally divorced). He was shown everything a marriage should NOT be and, instead of imitating it like many people do, he learned from it what not to do. Something that really struck me happened at our wedding - his sister broke down in tears because she said it's a true miracle that EP and I were able to build a healthy and happy relationship despite the odds. I can honestly tell you that EP is an incredibly giving, compassionate, and loving husband. I could not imagine a better partner than the one I have in this man.

We don't have children yet but we both want to have a family one day. I've watched him interact with his nieces, who are grown women, and with my niece and nephew (who are much younger) and he is inspiring as an uncle. He's so real and honest and fun with them that I know he'll be a great father. EP is one man who will not repeat the cycle that his father and his father's father began. I love him with every ounce of my being.

Thank you, again, for your kindness and condolences. You prove over and over that DUers are the greatest people in the world. :grouphug:

[u4ic]

64. I'm so sorry, EstimatedProphet

You must be going through so much right now.

I hope you both are at peace now. :hug:

[madrchsod]

65. you have found your peace

and he has found his. that is the natural order of things.

[leftofthedial]

66. I'm sorry for your loss, EP

Best wishes and condolences to you and yours.

[calimary]

67. Bless your heart. My condolences.

My mom died last November, and I was SO comforted by the many posts from people here at DU.

Rest in Peace to him, Peace of Mind to you.

[DainBramaged]

68. My heartfelt condolences EP

My Dad died from congestive heart failure at 64, 22 years ago. He also was abusive and violent. I never cried at his passing. I only wish he had played catch with me when I was growing up.


Be well my friend. :hug:

[lildreamer316]

69. Oh. oh dear.

Oh very dear.

I sense that what you are feeling is closure--this lesson, for both of you; has finally ended. I am sorry that you had to go through it; but am admiring at your strength of soul for experiencing this in this lifetime and coming through it as well as you have.
I am glad that you have been able to put some perspective on it.
Don't worry; I had the same kind of grief; or lack of; at my mother's death. She had suffered and I was glad she was out of her pain more than I was sad she was gone from this dimension.
Hugs; and peace to you and your family.

[Callalily]

70. So sorry EstimatedProphet

Sending prayers and support for you and your family.

[donheld]

71. I'm so sorry

:hug:

[atommom]

72. So sorry to hear about your loss, and especially about your childhood.

:hug:

[blondeatlast]

73. You are a wise and compassionate son. I'm sorry for your loss but it takes a

strong person to find the good in someone who has harmed him.

I very much admire that.

Take care, friend.

[buddhamama]

74. I am sorry, EsitmatedProphet

Peace :hug:

[MikeH]

75. I identify with you about your dad

First of all, hugs and condolences to you, both about your dad's death and your childhood.:hug:

I myself had a very difficult dad, who died of leukemia in 1985 at the age of 63.

My dad was far from being the worst father or worst parent anybody ever had. He did many very nice things and many very good things, and I had many good times with him. He could be quite pleasant and fun to be with when he was in a good mood.

He worked hard all his life, and was an excellent provider for his family. Before the onset of his disease he had looked forward to retiring when he would have turned 65. He took an early retirement because of his disease, and I had some good times with him during the last few months of his life.

He was in a terminally ill state for about a month before he died, and spent the last three weeks in a hospital. It was very sad and heartbreaking to see him in a hospital bed, and seeing his condition grow worse until he lost consciousness and died. It was very sad that he had so looked forward to retiring at 65 and enjoying his retirement after working hard all his life, and it didn't work out that way.

However, all that said, my dad was many times very difficult, and sometimes bordered on being abusive, especially emotionally and psychologically (though I and his other children did receive our share of spankings as children).

He was very judgmental, and he often decided in Godlike fashion that I (or any of his other children) needed to be yelled at or otherwise treated like I had committed a crime or a heinous sin when I had honestly forgotten something, made an honest mistake, or something was not quite in accordance with his standards. And he would always say he was doing it "for my own good", and with the best of motives.

And he was many times very poor at understanding some difficult or sensitive issue from my point of view, and would say things in scolding me, lecturing me, or bawling me out, that showed a complete lack of understanding of what I was struggling with, or what was really bothering me, or how I really felt.

And to him it was always a problem with me if I were upset or angry at something he said or did.

I had problems with my dad well into my adulthood. It was one of my biggest frustrations and disappointments of my life that I was not going to be able to stand up to him or deal with him the way I would have so badly wanted to.

I came to realize the full extent of my anger toward my dad, and the abusive nature of some of his behavior, a little over a year after my dad's death, after the normal grief at the loss of someone close to me had worn off. And it helped a lot, in coming to the full realization of my anger, that my dad was not around any more to talk me out of my feelings, something he was so good at doing while he was alive. And also that I did not have anything to fear from him any more.

I spent a lot of time in therapy dealing with the many issues regarding my dad, and my feelings toward him and my relationship with him, and how that affected my life especially when I was young. I many times wondered what it would have been like if my dad had lived longer, and what it would have been like if I had really confronted him and stood up to him, and if I would have had to do, for instance, without any more financial help from my parents (either my dad's choice or my choice).

It has taken a long time, but I think I have been able to do a lot of things that have helped me to be able to be at some kind of peace about the difficulties with my dad.

I have done many important things I had long wanted to be able to do, both personally and professionally, in the years after my dad died.

I have a much better sense of my own thoughts and feelings, and what I am willing and not willing to do for or accept from other people. I now have my own feelings about political issues, for instance, which I did not have as a young man when my dad was alive.

I had thought at times about telling my mom about how I feel about my dad, but never felt quite right about doing so. I have always been polite when my mom has mentioned my dad in conversation, but have not wanted to really talk about him, and my mom has not pressed the matter.

I had been a Christian before my dad died, and along with my realization about my anger toward my dad after he died, I also came to realize that Christianity had never been of help to me in enabling me to deal with my dad. I stopped going to church at that time, and over a period of time I came to realize that I was not a Christian any more. I have said a lot about my feelings about Christianity, especially fundamentalist or evangelical Christianity, here on DU. I think that has been an important part of the process for me in dealing with my issues. I am no longer intimidated by the fundamentalist Christian God who sends people to hell if they haven't accepted Christ, or don't adhere to the right version of Christianity.

[bullwinkle428]

76. I'm very sorry for your loss and experiences...

...I'm glad to know that you've been able to find peace after all of these years.

[uppityperson]

77. My condolences on his death,and congratulations on coming to terms with his life

Peace to you and RIP EP'sdad.

[redwitch]

78. I want to add my best wishes to you.

What a good person you are! I wish you peace. I am so sorry you have had so much pain. Some people seem to get more than their fair share.
I am sorry your father was such an unhappy person and I wish him peace at last.

[Taverner]

79. My condolences for everything....

:hug:

[ikojo]

80. EP, wow! You are quite the man.

I don't know what kind of relationship you had with your dad after you were able to get over your anger.

Whatever terms you were on with your dad, may the memories you have of him be for a blessing.

My condolences.

:hug: