I put my foot in it again. I must be silenced!

[crim son]

Long story short, I invited for Christmas dinner a single woman I know who had nowhere else to be. She is educated, intelligent and has a good employment history but for some reason a business she was involved in went sour and she became unemployed. Rather than pick up another job which didn't pay what she was accustomed to, she took State aid for rent and food. Having no money, she couldn't maintain her car payments and as of today (she informs me) she is losing her telephone service. She "needs $300" (hint, hint). I told her to get a temporary job for the time being - because she is qualified to do an awful lot - and naturally she got very annoyed with me. She seems to be upset that none of the many well-employed men she knows haven't given her a job or married her or whatever and I told her that it was ridiculous to expect somebody to come to her rescue any time soon, and that she must do something now.

I'm in the doghouse. I know I'm right, but I should have kept my overlarge mouth shut. THIS is how to lose friends :(

End of rant.

[some guy]

1. if it's any consolation

that woman sounds like an okay friend to lose. Life is hard enough without having someone draining your emotions, finances and time without giving much in return.

:hug:

:hi:

[crim son]

2. On the one hand you are right.

On the other, I still should have been a bit more diplomatic. But thank you for the hug! And :hi:

[KitchenWitch]

3. Sometimes diplomacy does not get you very far...

Just sayin'

Who knows, maybe what you said to her will be the motivating force for her to take control of her own life.

[crim son]

5. It's a good thought, KitchenWitch.

I wouldn't have been so blunt had I not been witness to her bemoaning her situation many times, while doing virtually nothing to improve it. It's hard to see somebody struggle when it seems obvious that the solution is rather easily attainable.

[Lethe]

4. who comes over for christmas dinner and demands $300?

except Randy Quaid?

damn, just be glad you got a good meal from a friend.

She is probably right to take state aid though, because it would pay more than just a part-time crappy job.

[crim son]

6. I'm one of those freaks who doesn't think it's better to take

State aid than to work. And she is healthy and able to work full time and the money would be better spent on somebody else IMHO. But I knew what kind of person she was when I befriended her and so I'm not overly surprised that she's asking for money. In fact, she has hinted about her need for various amounts since I first met her and usually I avoid the issue.

[SPKrazy]

16. She Looks Around And Says Hmmmmm

how much can I get out of this one....

I don't know that, but could be..

Believe it or not, this liberal social worker tends to think that people are able to feel productive are better off than those who are takers and don't have any ambition to change.

I've seen people drink themselves to death receiving disability for alcoholism back when that still happened.

Hey, crim son, could ya loan me.....

or better yet, give me....

Run- I know people like that

[crim son]

17. She's like that, which is sad.

Especially because she has some really good personal qualities that are sometimes overshadowed by the not-so-good. Then again, so do I!

[SPKrazy]

21. I'm Sure Goebbels Had Some "good personal qualities"

at some point

Not that she is Goebbels, she sounds like someone who has been enabled to not have to do anything- maybe her looks got her by?- or something and now she is having to deal with the reality that she has to get a backbone and take care of herself.

Being her friend doesn't mean that you have to support her bad decisions. In fact, saying something and being honest with her is the sign of a really good friend IMO!

She may not want that kind of friend because it doesn't fit what her agenda is right now.

:hug:

[crim son]

22. Being a friend I thought I had to speak up.

But as you know I tend to cast myself in the role of counselor and sometimes it's not appropriate.

Don't worry: she will not take advantage of me and if she is willing to speak to me again, I will be very civil.

[SPKrazy]

23. You're A Good Friend

and if she can't see that then she doesn't want to see it

if she sees it she will talk to you again and you should be yourself

although unsolicited advice can be hard to take

:pals:

[crim son]

25. You oughta know, because I'm always handing it to you.

Which brings me back to the notion that I need to keep my mouth shut :P

[SPKrazy]

28. If I Didn't Want To Hear What You Thought

I'd not put you in a position to know kind of crazy BS is going on.

and I'd tell you I didn't want to hear it.

I haven't told you that because I appreciate hearing what you have to say because I value your opinion!

so there!

:hide:







:hug: :loveya:

[Danger Mouse]

7. You did the right thing.

In the end, it's better that you were blunt with her. She needs to start helping herself. I know how hard it is, though...

[crim son]

8. Thanks, Elrond Hubbard.

I sincerely hope you're right.

[Danger Mouse]

9. I hope so too...I just know that...

not too long ago...I was like that...not helping myself...sponging off of other people...and I was just begging for someone to finally tell me to wake the hell up and stop destroying myself.
Took a long time, and I did a lot of damage...but I came out of it alive.

[crim son]

10. I'm so glad you did!

It takes courage. :hug:

[Danger Mouse]

13. It's hard, but I didn't do it on my own...

...I had a lot of support from friends and family...still...I lost a lot...felt like I lost a part of my soul back there...ah, c'est la vie, if it's easy, it isn't interesting!

[crim son]

14. Then I hope you're not easily bored :)

I've been through a rough time this year myself, and have since actively recruited friends and family for love and support. It has made the difference between sanity and despair, success and failure.

[Danger Mouse]

20. I'm glad to hear that you have pulled through as well...

and hope that better times are ahead for you.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

11. My dear crim son!

You did exactly right!

Your friend is a free-loading moocher........and you did her an enormous favor by revealing the light to her!

You say you must be silenced?

I say not!

:hug:

:loveya:

[crim son]

12. But don't you hate it when somebody tells you something

you already know but have chosen not to address? Sigh.

I luv you Peg! :loveya;

[SPKrazy]

15. On The Other Hand

it sounds like she didn't want to hear what might otherwise be the obvious thing to do.

A $300 phone bill. Sounds like she needs a little tightening of the budget there. Making a lot of phone calls or something.

You are right. Doghouses are warm. Some are big enough for two, I'd join you in one if you need warmth. (self sacrificing guy that I am)

:hug:

[crim son]

18. Yes, you're a thoughtful one, you are.

My doghouse comes with three kids and two cats. I suspect I'm going to have trouble finding somebody who is willing cuddle alongside us all.

[SPKrazy]

19. Wooof Wooof!

:P

I like kids and cats

it might have to be a bigger doghouse though

:rofl:

[BarenakedLady]

24. You did the right thing

:hug:

[crim son]

26. You as a loyal friend to me, must say so!

:hug: :pals: :hug:

[gr8dane_daddy]

27. Is she hot?

Sorry, I'm a gluten for punishment from golddiggers. :spank:

[SPKrazy]

29. Bawhaaaaaahaaaaaa!

Now that sounds like something I'd at least have thought if not said

hmmmmm

I didn't even think of it

:rofl: :rofl:

[crim son]

30. Well, for one thing, she's 55.

Hot is in the eye of the beholder I guess, but as she has been actively on the lookout for a man like yourself and not yet found him, I'd say she might not be your type.

A "gluten"? :rofl:

[SPKrazy]

31. She's Within Range!

might be hot

or not

:rofl:

[gr8dane_daddy]

33. out of my range...

damn near 20 yrs my senior...guess I gotta keep looking!

she's all yours, southpaw....no competition from me.

[SPKrazy]

35. ...

just what I fuckin' need though

a mooch who lives in Maine

I can find a mooch in Arkansas no problem

:rofl:

[billyskank]

32. Well SOMEBODY needed to say it

:hug:

[Guava Jelly]

34. She needed to hear the truth and you told her the truth

Someday she will understand.

[hickman]

36. I your place I might have had her clean my house,

catch up all my back laundry(wash, dry, fold) wash my car and babysit my cats for a weekend. Then I'd pay her phone bill.

[crim son]

37. That would have been something I'd have done

when I myself was employed. At the moment we are so short of funds that we are keeping the heat at 65, the lights low, and the meals all at home. I'm going to school right now and things are difficult.

[Whoa_Nelly]

38. Hey, crim son

You were spot on

Have opened mouth and inserted foot with a couple of very close friends...and they always came back.

gotta keep it honest, or it just ain't freindship :pals:

[crim son]

43. Well, she hasn't responded to my emails

so I guess it ain't friendship. I will get over it. Hi, my dear! :pals:

[Whoa_Nelly]

47. Hey, crim son!

:hi:


...and sometimes it takes years for the friend to come back

:hug:


And, if my little sister is checking in...PM me...it's been too long.

[hickman]

39. And she had the nerve to try to hit you up for a mooch?

What an entitled bitch! This was not a loss.

[crim son]

41. Well, in her defense, I live in a massive house

and it looks like we have money. But my husband and I are separating and our finances are already somewhat separate. The big house is for sale because we can't afford to pay the taxes, heat and maintenance on it (long story... failed investments... grrr). So, despite the fact that I've told her my predicament, she may not believe it. Sigh. When she sees where I am going to move, she will realize she's been deceived! Not really; I've been truthful with her.

[SPKrazy]

42. Moooooch!

you keep defending her

she's a mooch looking for a handout and you don't have it to give her, but she doesn't have a clue

Run I tell you

[crim son]

45. I've run from giving her money!

I'm not defending her so much as acknowledging her perspective. However maybe you're right. Perhaps I've been used. We'll see.

[SPKrazy]

48. ...

Truth is I don't know

it's your friend

your situation

your prerogative to do what you want

I think that you handled the situation well in the first place

and if she comes back, it's because she is a friend

if she doesn't then she was a mooch

or at least a wanna be mooch

"if you loan somebody $20 and you never see them again it was probably worth it."

[crim son]

52. I've already loaned her that much and more, but with no

expectation of getting it back. Don't think I resent your advice because I don't. :hug:

[SPKrazy]

55. Okay

I don't remember who that quote was from, maybe Will Rogers? Anyway, I think it is a personal choice as to what you are willing to put up with.

I've given people things without expecting something in return because I knew they didn't have it. Even a few that could have gotten it. Somewhere I got burned by a "friend" who was a roomate long ago and was supposed to pay the electric with the money I gave him for the bill and he didn't and then HE LEFT TOWN and left me there and they shut off the electric! I was livid. He had essentially stolen my money and left town. I called him and he had no solution, just said I was right and he was wrong and he'd pay me back as soon as he could LOL Never saw a dime of it.

Somehow he was still my friend up until the day he died. Friendship can endure a lot of things. If she is your friend then it may. If she is a moocher and you told her how the cow ate the cabbage, then she may not be back.

:hug: :hug:

[Redstone]

40. "How to lose a friend?" She's no friend of yours is she can't take some well-meaning

advice. Friends like that you don't need.

Redstone

[crim son]

44. Perhaps not. I think it was more a case of her needing me

and I didn't mind being in that position. I'm going to try not to worry about it any more... I haven't heard back from her so she's either going to give up on me completely or wait a while and see how it goes. It's okay.

[Redstone]

46. There are many more important things in life that people like her. Puppies, for example.

Mine is welded to my leg and having those puppy dreams in which she chases the squirrels and catches them and the squirrels want to play with her.

Redstone

[crim son]

50. It has been a rather one-sided relationship.

Whereas with your puppy, or my kitten Benny, we get love in return for tending to their needs.

I wonder if I can get Benny to go down to the bar with me this Friday? :P

[Briarius]

49. sounds like you told her what needs to be said

hopefully she'll see that.

[crim son]

51. I'm hoping

although as usual all the DU responses to my posted situation have me seeing things from a different angle. Hmmm.

[S n o w b a l l]

53. I think maybe....

...she resented your advice because she views you as a "kept" woman with no financial worries, a husband, a nice house, etc. There's envy involved and she probably doesn't respect your advice because she sees you as someone who can't relate. In her eyes, it's easy for you to tell her to go out and get a job when you're comfortably taken care of and don't have to worry about such things.

As far as mooching money off you though, there's no excuse for that.

[crim son]

56. I think you're exactly right!

Although she knows that, until he invested it unwisely, it was my money that "kept" my husband. But I have been in her position before and with less employment experience to back me up, yet I was able to pay my bills and buy my own food. She knows that too, but it might be hard for her to imagine. You can see why I'm not really angry at her.

[SPKrazy]

58. ...

probably true Engi

how's it going?

:hug:

[S n o w b a l l]

59. .....

I'm doing good Southpaw! I'm finally working full time so things are looking up.

Hope everything's good with you!

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

62. ...

A-okay

glad you are working and things are looking up!

:woohoo: :hug:

[NNadir]

54. Fuggettaboutit.

Take the "doghouse" as a sign from God.

[crim son]

57. That's the new plan!

Thanks.

[hickman]

60. To play devils advocate,

She's getting older(I believe you said she was about 50), and her life has gone south through no fault of her own. She's scared and was brought up to believe that if she did everything right life would turn out right. You were her first wake up call. I very much appreciate your defense of her. Unfortunately you can't save her. She's got to do that. She was probably never trained in basic survival but if she gets down enough she'll learn.

[crim son]

61. You're no advocate, you're the Devil herself!

Kidding! Thank you for your thoughts. I honestly hope you're right.

[ashling]

63. if its any consolation,

There are worse things than being untactful and socially inept. You could have had Barbara Bush with you. :evilgrin:

[crim son]

64. Or I could BE Barbara Bush!

:scared: I'm consoled.