Grammar whores, check in. I need a little sentence structure advice...

[Writer]

Here is the sentence, as it now stands. It is the lead sentence to a paragraph addressing both of these issues:

As an undergraduate, I encountered how an individual's perception of political bias can cloud one's judgment of the media, as well as a small example of the power struggle between politicians and the media.

Should I:

a) Keep it as is.

b) Keep the wording, but remove the comma following "media."

c) Completely reword it... suggestions?

Thanks very much! :hi:

[billyskank]

1. You should take my advice with a pinch of salt

because Brits seem to have different tastes regarding puntuation to Americans. That said, I would actually keep the second comma but lose the first one, and also I would be tempted to replace the word "encountered" with the word "observed."

:hi:

[Writer]

2. Observed

Very good suggestion. It's much more precise a term. Thanks!

[Oeditpus Rex]

3. One can't encounter 'how'

One could encounter "examples of how" or "reasons."

I've also got a bit of a problem with "an individual's" and "one's" referring to, presumably, the same person, as one is definite and the other isn't.

The comma isn't grammatically necessary, but it separates two ideas. STET.

[Writer]

7. Thank you.

[sarge43]

4. Change

"When I was an undergraduate I learned .... learned makes it a more personal statement.

End the sentence at media. Perhaps "I also encountered a small example .....

FWIW

[Writer]

8. More great suggestions.

Thank you. This will be the best lead sentence to a paragraph - EVAH!

[seemunkee]

5. sex thread

Sorry I thought the title was Gramma whores.
I think I'll go fix a drink.

[gr8dane_daddy]

42. Damn, I thought we were gonna talk about my favorite subject too!

[skygazer]

6. I find the wording a bit awkward

I would state it more like this -

As an undergraduate, I saw how an individual's perception of political bias could cloud their judgment of the media. I was also made aware of the power struggle between politicians and the media.

edited to change "can" to "could"

[Writer]

9. All right, very cool.

Thanks.

[skygazer]

11. I like sarge43's suggestion as well

Perhaps, "As an undergraduate, I learned that..." rather than using "how."

[MonkeyFunk]

41. no!

"an individual's" with "their"? How many individuals are there? One.

[Dora]

10. Awk all the way around...

Could you reorganize the ideas?

"As an undergraduate, I had the opportunity to observe a small example of the power struggle between politicians and the media, and in doing so I discovered how an individual's perception (assumption?) of polticial bias can cloud one's judgement of the media's behavior."

[Writer]

12. Well that would set up a contingency that wouldn't reflect the rest...

of the paragraph. But maybe I should consider reordering my thoughts. Thanks!

[Dora]

14. Yeah - it was hard to revise w/out knowing more.

But you see what we're getting at. There's just something not being said that needs to be said, I think.

[montanto]

13. Drop the first comma.

Plus I'm a little unsure about the part after "as well as." Has something to do with what you observed. If you observed how judgment is clouded and a power struggle between politicians and the media,you may want to say "and the power struggle" and leave the "as well as a small example of" out of it.

[Writer]

17. Okay... I see what you mean.

Thanks!

[benny05]

44. I agree...

does this really mean I am a grammar whore though?

What happened to the word "consultant"? :-)

[trof]

15. Short sentences are 'better' than long ones with clauses.

You can read Strunk's "Elements of Style" here:
http://www.bartleby.com/141/
Better yet, buy a copy.

It's still the writer's handbook, almost 100 years later.

Is it important that an undergrad is the observer?
It could be, depending on context and circumstances.

[Writer]

16. Actually I have that on my shelf, darn it.

Why didn't I grab it?

Thanks for the reminder. :hi:

[Coyote_Bandit]

18. I would reword it

As an undergraduate, I encountered how an individual's perception of political bias can cloud one's judgment of the media, as well as a small example of the power struggle between politicians and the media.

In my mind that would become something like:

I have observed that assessments of the media are influenced by perceptions of political bias and that there is an ongoing power struggle between politicians and the media.

[bridgit]

19. "...of political bias 'may' cloud one's judgment..."

:)

[Deep13]

21. "may" indicates discretion, "can" simply ...

... acknowledges the possibility. I'd stick with "can."

[bridgit]

22. 'perceptions' regarding 'bias' are oft times understood as discretions...

in & of themselves, or the exercise thereof; where 'can' can imply that it may be the case...in more cases than not

dis·cre·tion /dɪˈskrɛʃən –noun

1. the power or right to decide or act according to one's own judgment; freedom of judgment or choice: It is entirely within my discretion whether I will go or stay.

2. the quality of being discreet, esp. with reference to one's own actions or speech; prudence or decorum: Throwing all discretion to the winds, he blurted out the truth.
—Idiom3. at discretion, at one's option or pleasure: They were allowed to work overtime at discretion.

[Deep13]

20. dump the comma, replace encountered with experienced

Maybe break it into two sentences.

[Shakespeare]

24. I think "observed" works better than either word. And, further thoughts....

The dependent clause that makes up the second half of the sentence doesn't make much sense as is. Here's how I'd do it:

"As an undergraduate, I observed how an individual's perception of political bias can cloud his or her judgment of the media. This perception is often further influenced by the ongoing struggle between politicians and the media to interpret/control the/a message."

(former freshman comp instructor here; that's just what I'd do with it)

[Deep13]

45. Observed is too passive. This is a resume or application of some kind.

The poster wants to give the impression of being in the thick of it, not just observing as a detached spectator.

[marzipanni]

23. I vote for #1 + #6 n/t

[Writer]

25. *** Okay! Here is my next revision. ***

As an undergraduate, I observed how an individual's perception of political bias can color his or her judgment of the media. I also witnessed a small example of the natural tension between politicians and the media.

What do you think? I really need to get ready for my spinning class tonight. I'll let you have at it, k?

[Shakespeare]

27. That second sentence is still awfully awkward and unclear. n/t

[Writer]

29. How about this...

I also witnessed the natural tension between politicians and the media.

[Shakespeare]

32. That works much better.

:-)

[Hosnon]

28. Should there be an "an" before "individual's"?

And I also vote for dropping the first comma.

Other than that I like it.

[Writer]

30. Yes, there should be.

It was a typo. Fixed! :)

[Maddy McCall]

31. Here:

As an undergraduate, I observed the manner in which an individual's perceptions of political bias can color his or her judgment of the media.

[liberal hypnotist]

33. Much Better

Your own the right track. Simple and with as few words as possible to convey your idea.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

26. I like billyskank's

"observed", but I think it should be "observed that", not "observed how".

Edit ... deleting a bunch because it was about the original wording, not the recent one.

Then, is it the individual's perception of bias that clouds, or is the individual's bias itself that clouds? Or does the bias affect the perception, thus altering the clouds?

I think I need a beer.

Regards.

[sweetheart]

34. sweethearted

Is it the individual's perception of political bias, that colour's one's judgement of the media;
doesn't this brain cloud from the corporate media ring as an omen of the struggle between corporations and liberty.

[Writer]

38. LOL

Oh, the infirmities of those institutions plaguing us! They have besmirched the sacrosanct dictum of freedom.

:P Where's Walt Whitman when you need him?

[Spider Jerusalem]

35. Edited:

As an undergraduate I observed that individual perception of political bias may colour one's opinion of news media (or perhaps "the press", which carries a specifically journalistic connotation; "the media" is too vague); at the same time, I saw the antagonism inherent in the relationship between politicians and journalists.

[Writer]

39. Beautiful. I could kiss you.

Wonderfully written!

[Ms_Dem_Meanor]

36. b n/t

:hi:

[sir_captain]

37. Your tenses don't agree

encountered/observed versus *can* cloud

[reyd reid reed]

40. Change it.

As is, it's kind of cumbersome and the wording is awkward. "I encountered how an individual's...." I'd take a close look at that. Perhaps, "I became aware of how..." or "I observed political bias clouding individual perception..." Personall, I prefer, "I became aware of..."

[grasswire]

43. I agree. Start over.

Active voice, clear meaning, short sentences or clearly marked clauses.

Are you saying that you learned two things? Then say so. "As an undergraduate, I learned these two specific lessons: A person's perception of political bias can cloud one's judgment of the media, and a struggle for power exists between politicians and the press."