Keeping your children safe.. Hints for the younger parents here

[SoCalDem]

The pedophile thread started me thinking about this..

Often , parents give either Too Explicit or Too vague information to their children..

As someone who has raised 3 boys and who also was a victim of a pedophile, I have something to contribute.. Others may have advice too..


What to tell them.... What we told ours...

Any adult who Looks at, or touches ANY area on your body that would be covered by underwear specifically or clothing in general,Or if they ask YOU to look at or touch them, is to be reported IMMEDIATELY...to your parents or to another adult nearby who is NOT with that person..

If you have a choice, tell it to a woman...

You will be believed, so do not ever let "that person" convince you that no one will believe you..

Never ..EVER go ANYWHERE with someone who is not your parent or your caretaker.. Your parents would NEVER send a stranger or casual friend to tell you about family business...

Never EVER help someone look for a lost pet without going home and getting your Mom or Dad to go with you...

If you get a "creepy feeling" in your stomach, that's your personal RADAR trying to tell you that something is not right.. LEAVE immediately..

[patdem]

1. Many years ago when I was young

a man had a very unusual car whose doors opened like gulls wings. He stopped my sister and I walking home from church and said our parents sent him to pick us up and bring us home. I was about 6, my sister 8. We were very intrigued because of the design of his little car, but we knew we should not talk to strangers and said, no, we would walk home since we were almost home anyway. Needless to say, my parents sent no one to pick us up!! I do not know if they called the police..we were never questioned. That was when it was NOT heard of..but happened!!

We never felt 'afraid', but we knew we were not to speak to strangers and it was NO STRANGERS...not 'unless they touched us'...or 'they appeared threatening'....we were to talk to NO STRANGERS.

[SoCalDem]

2. We always said ANY ONE ..not just strangers.. we included

teenagers and adults.. whether or not they knew them.. There are predators within families.. That's what makes it more difficult for kids to figure it out.. If the person is a relative, they are doubly afraid to tell..

[Heddi]

3. You're right, but

I was molested by a family relation for many years during my youth.

No one beleived me when I told :(

Not my family. Not the teachers. Not the police.

No one believed me.

I even started doubting myself as I got older.

I don't know why no one believed me. This guy had a rap sheet a mile long for various sexual offenses against minors and adults. He molested other children while I was being molested, and molested more after he was through with me.

If/when I have children, I don't know hwo to approach this with them, because sadly, people don't always believe you.

And just for the record, I'm 27, this happened when I was about 12 or so, fully within the recent time frame of parental awareness, sex crime registries, etc etc.

:(

[radwriter0555]

5. The key is to establish open communication with your kids. Let them

know you WILL listen if they have something to say.

My parents didn't listen either about things going on in my house. So my kid gets constant reassurance that if she ever has to talk to me, I'll always trust her and listen to her and believe in her.

What else can we do as parents?

[SoCalDem]

7. Just so they know that YOU would believe them

Our kids did not know about my experience until they were in their late teens, and we did not try to scare them.. Only to get the message to them about "appropriate vs inappropriate".. A toddler does not know that word, but they do know about underwear.. The underwear analogy hit home with them.. Adults who are interested in what's in a toddler or small child's pants, does NOT have their best interests at heart..

My own mother , sadly, did not believe me either...

Your kids have to know that YOU would always believe them, and they will feel free to tell you..

[Heddi]

12. You're right

It's so tough. You don't want to scare kids, but you don't want to be complacent about it either. I'm sure it's a really tough road to hoe because you don't want to be alarmist and make them paranoid of everyone, but you don't want them lacadasially running through the park talking to every grownup they meet.

It's particularly tough because pedophiles aren't mean old men in trench coats hanging out in the shadows. They're gym teachers. Sunday school teachers. Little League Coaches. Uncle Jim who lives next door. A sibling. A parent.

The thing with Pedophiles (and I learned this through the one who abused me) is that they go where the goods are (sorry to use a crass term). They tend to live near schools, or in neighborhoods where there's alot of kids. They work at schools or around kids. They're good people. They're nice neighbors. They don't do anything out of the ordinary. Why would he do something like that? He's got bar-b-q's every Fourth of July. He's got cookouts and a swimming pool and a trampoline. He's a hallmark in the community. he's a nice guy that would never hurt a kid. :eyes:

Sadly, I think alot of parents are so paranoid of every neighbor and teacher that they fall into a sort of dull lull when it comes to seemingly good neighbors. A friend of mine was molested by a guy who lived in the neighborhood for YEARS. He was loved by everyone, which is exactly how he got away with molesting children in the neighborhood for 2 generations. He was the last person people suspected. And when a kid did say something about him, the KID was suspected of lying because this guy was such a great neighbor.

IT's really saddened me lately, reading the disparaging comments in the Michael Jackson and Kobe Bryant threads--how the accuser MUST be lying because the accused is rich and famous and certainly would never do anything bad.

Those were the arguments used against me. *I* had a grudge. *I* was lying. *I* was trying to get attention.

Sadly, there are millions of children every year who are sexually assaulted or molested. Very few of them ever come forward, and of those that do, there are so many who aren't believed. Who are ignored. Whose parents, otherwise well meaning, ALLOW the abuse to continue. Maybe it's a survival mechanism--it's easier to prentend that your otherwise good kid is a lying sack of shit than to realize that they're telling the truth and that THEY weren't the only ones who had their trust broken. To admit that a family friend, or relative, has done such a horrible thing means that EVERYONE was lied to. It's easier to pretend that the victim is non-existent and live a fantasy life than to face the reality of the situation.

I can tell you that if my (nonexistent) child ever told me that they were touched inappropriately, or spoken to inappropriately, there would be no doubt in my mind. Children rarely lie about these things. When they DO lie, it's because of a far more complex problem than 'just looking for attention'. It's a cry for help.

I can also say that if anyone did such horrors to my child, they'd better pray for swift death. Very swift death.

[teach1st]

24. Older children can and do lie about these things...

Ask male teachers. I was falsely accused because the fabricating student (elementary) was unhappy about a grade on his or her report card. The student got two friends to agree to support the story about me. Fortunately for me, the kids quickly admitted to lying. The parents of these students, believe it or not, supported me all the way.

It's a complex matter - it's vital that we let our children know that we'll believe them. Had any of the students been my child, I certainly wouldn't have been so quick to support the teacher. Anyway, I remained friends with the children and the families long after that incident, though I was disillusioned for some time. It doesn't take much to cost a teacher his or her job. I know that this happens to teachers more than rarely. We take steps against this happening, such as never being alone with a child and avoiding touching children, but the possibility of being falsely accused is always there.

Other than that, the advice in this thread is right on target. I would like to point out that in my experience, it seems children are sometimes reluctant to report sexual abuse because (and this is a quote from a very troubled child who told me about sexual abuse and was explaining why he or she took so long to tell somebody): "I thought you'd be mad at me."

[bratcatinok]

11. I'm sorry no one believed you.

I wish someone had been there to protect you and to believe you.

[DuctapeFatwa]

4. Now here is the advice you don't want to hear

This subject has a certain level of damned if you do, damned if you don't. Don't talk about it, and you run the risk of your child NOT telling you when something doesn't feel "ok."

Talk too much, or let them see your emotion, and you run the risk of having a kid who doesn't feel OK about being touched by anyone but you and your immediate family.

Child molestation seldom takes place in public, or even in the presence of others.

Although there may be cultural differences regarding touching kids, even patting their butts or sitting them in laps, ALL pedophiles are sneaky, regardless of their cultural background.

I would worry more about the adult who suggests doing something that would put them alone with a child than I would about one who kisses him, picks him up or pats him touching his butt in plain view of you or the other shoppers in the mall, whatever.

Keeping your child from being ALONE with people is probably one of the best things you can do to keep him from actually being molested.

Now here is the nasty part: Most of the time, the abuser is a relative or "like family" friend. Those are the folks most likely to have the opportunity - namely, time alone with the child.

I don't think there is a one size fits all answer, other than the part about keeping your kid out of "alone with" situations.

Every child is different, some can easily be made neurotic, others you would really have to work at it. And every parent is different. Some are struggling with demons from their own childhoods, and some of those are real, and some are not, depending on THEIR parents' way of dealing with it.

[bratcatinok]

6. It's not just adults unfortunately.

We need to explain to our kids that anyone touching them in places that make them feel yucky isn't okay. When my son was young he didn't understand the term private parts until I explained it to him.

My son was inordinately modest and shy even with me but I emphasized to him the importance of letting me know if something happened he was uncomfortable with. It was important I use words he could understand and relate to.

I don't mean to hijack this thread but your thread brought back a memory. One thing I did was to ask the "What would you do if..... questions. It gave me good insight into his thinking and allowed me to guide him into better responses. One day when he was around 7 I asked What would you do if there was smoke or the smoke alarm went off. He told me he'd hide under the bed. Now I asked this question because they'd had fire prevention week in school and I wanted to find out what he had learned. Needless to say I explained to him why his answer was incorrect! To make sure he 'got it' I would ask the question at a later date.

[SoCalDem]

8. Not hijacking at all.. Fire safety is important too

Kids have a natural instinct to hide, and we had to reinforce the "not hiding" with ours too..

[bratcatinok]

13. I also used the

What would you do if.... line of questioning for just about anything where I needed to see how he'd respond. I'd ask 'What would you do if (insert name here) wanted to pick you up from school? or What would you do if a nice lady wanted to take you to get a happy meal at McDonald's? Asking the question was non-threatening to him and allowed me to see what he thought. I also didn't tell him he was wrong so I didn't make it negative.

Oh, and I also would use the What would you do if ..... as a fun thing too where it didn't feel like an inquisition. I got some really interesting answers when I asked What would you do if the cats grew up to be as big as lions.

[TrogL]

29. Feeling icky

One time on vacation in Dover England we got off the ferry at night. My parents went into a little shack to arrange for a hotel room. There wasn't enough room inside for all the luggage so I was left outside to guard it. Being a growing boy (13?), I was wearing pants that were a little tight because i was growing out of them. A young man came up and started talking about my pants and stroking the fabric near my crotch. I became uncomfortable and pushed his hand away and he disappeared.

[NashVegas]

9. I'll Add This

When your child is old enough to ask where babies come from, tell them and tell them in their own vocabulary. Don't hide the mechanics of sex behind biological/medical terms that fly over their heads.

[Heddi]

14. That really pisses me off

Teach your children the appropriate words from birth. Then you're not talking over their head.

If out of the blue you start using the word PENIS instead of Willy or Winky or Hinky Doo or whatever, then they're going to be confused. But use the appropriate words from birth. Teach them Penis as you would Ear. teach them Vagina as you would toe. Teach them Anus (or butt) as you would eyelashes.

I have a friend that uses the term "Waa-waa" "toot-toot" and other such nonsense when talking to her daughter about her vagina and anus.

what the fuck is a Toot-Toot? And why is that more culturally acceptable than VAGINA?

We don't use 'code' words for Elbow. or Ear. Or Toe. Or Eyeball. Yet we're SOOOO afraid of supposedly hypersexualising our children that we can't dare utter the words PENIS VAGINA ANUS TESTICLE SCROTUM CLITORIS LABIA (but feel free to have them spend more time watching television than they spend in school, and to oversaturate them with violent images and oversexualized teenagers acting inappropriately as rolemodels).

Maybe it's because i'm venturing into nursing, and am really big on Anatomy and Physiology---maybe it's because when I asked my moms where babies came from, she told me the ins and outs (age appropriate) and used terms like VAGINA and PENIS and SEMEN (maybe sperm) and EGG.

There was no toot-toot or wee-wee or na-na or hoho or whatever other fluff words are used to describe body parts. I think the only word like that I used was BOOBIES, and it's a word I still use today.

A friend of mine who works at a hospital laughs b/c she's in pediatrics and gets a kick out of parents who come in and say that her daughter's Ho-Ho hurts when she goes winky...she's like WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Or parents, when asked to clarify, have to whisper "penis" or "private parts" as if you'll get your kids taken away from you for merely uttering those words.

On that note, I have to go winkle-tinkle. Be back in a 'mo

[NashVegas]

19. Even Then

maybe it's because when I asked my moms where babies came from, she told me the ins and outs (age appropriate) and used terms like VAGINA and PENIS and SEMEN (maybe sperm) and EGG.

My mom only got as far as "seed" and "egg," when I asked. I really don't care what words people use, as long as they instill the concept these are things adults do with adults.

[TrogL]

30. My parents could never talk about that stuff

At one point, when they thought one of my teachers was a bit "light in the loafers" they said I should tell them if he "tried anything". Problem was, they never explained what they were talking about (and no, there wasn't a problem).

[put out]

10. Very good advice.

Plus:

That radar is invaluable. There are caring touches, someone helping you dress or take a bath when you need a little assistance. Someone providing some health care, such as looking at a rash or wound under your clothes. This is OK.

But, when someone wants to look under your clothes for no good reason, or wants to be with you when you are changing or bathing and you haven't asked to be helped, that is not OK.

No grown-up is going to ask for directions from a kid. It doesn't make sense.

No older child, several years older, is going to approach a kid who's a foot shorter for a competitive pick-up game of ball. It doesn't make sense. If you don't have friends with you, say "no thanks" and get home.

If asked to do anything you don't feel right about, say "my mom/dad won't let me".

You don't have to do everything an adult tells you (hard to explain). Say,"NO I won't" or "you have to call my mom/dad". I promise you will not be in any trouble at all.

and finally, I believe you, I believe you, I believe you.

[southerngirlwriter]

15. Several things to add....

I, too, am a survivor. (Please note the word "survivor," as opposed to "victim." We are survivors. Some people don't survive it.)

1. My mom didn't believe me. This was every bit as damaging as the abuse itself, and the scar from that runs even deeper. Your child may try to tell you in some half-baked way -- that a big purple monster touched them while they were sleeping or something -- but it's their way of trying to have the guts to tell you. Take every bit of it seriously.

2. Pedophiles will tell a kid anything to keep them quiet or lure them away to a quiet place. Make sure your child knows what would happen if you were sick or injured. You would NOT send a stranger after them. "If Mommy and Daddy are ever too sick to drive to school and pick you up, we'll send Grandma, Uncle Mark, or Mrs. Fields. No one else."

3. If they have to get away from a bad situation, the safest person to approach is a woman with children, then a police officer in his uniform (including a badge and a gun), then any woman, then a man with children.

4. It is OK to yell at a grownup, to hit them, to scream, to bite, to do anything they have to do to get away from someone who is touching them or trying to take them away. They will not be punished.

5. Most people, including most strangers, are good. But let Mommy and Daddy help you figure out who the good people are until you're a grownup. It's the same principle as driving a car. It's okay for a grownup, but not for a kid. Same for talking to strangers. Just because kids aren't supposed to drive doesn't mean all cars are bad or dangerous -- it's a job for grownups.

[SoCalDem]

18. You are so right.. the word is survivor.. I had a brain fade

:eyes:.. I should have used the proper word.. I think parents are more savvy now than a generation ago.. I too, was not believed and in fact actually was "blamed".. (We all know what temptresses 6 yr old girls are ),, It ruined any closesness I could have had with my family.. From about 12 on, I was in "right foot, left foot" mode.. Years are "gone" from my consciousness, and I never saw my mother in the way a mother/daughter relationship should have been.. The subject just never came up, and I figured out early on, that she was not interested in hearing anything... .. She became the person who gave birth to me, but was not much of a mother..

That fact actually helped me when I had MY kids.. I knew what NOT to do :)

[southerngirlwriter]

26. You reminded me of something.

Like most survivors, I blamed myself for years.

The man who I consider my father now (not my family-of-origin dad, but someone who's actually earned that title) did something for me when I was 19 that changed my life forever. We had been talking about the abuse, and I was crying. He kept saying, "It's not your fault," and I couldn't believe him.

So he said suddenly, "Get your jacket on." I did, and we got in the car and left. He drove to a playground at an elementary school. We got out of the car, sat on the hood, and watched the kids in silence for awhile. I couldn't figure out why we were there. Then he put his arm around me and said, "Now I want you to do something for me. Please point out which of these 6-year-olds is so sexy and seductive that you feel like molesting them."

I wailed for an hour. Because I finally got it.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

20. Yes, a serial child murder was caught in Washington State

several years ago because his last potential victim, snatched in the lobby of a movie theater, screamed for help and kicked and hit, attracting the attention of other movie goers.

[Kanary]

25. I am a victim

I will not be shamed about using the word.

I did the best I could, I still do. I was a victim.

It's not my fault I was a victim.

Being a victim is not shameful. I did *NOT* deserve it.

Victim is a perfectly good word, which says what happened.


Kanary

[Lars39]

16. Not necessarily adults, either.

Teens have been known to molest, too.

[southerngirlwriter]

17. This is sad but true.

There was a case in the local news that was heartbreaking about this very thing.

[rustydog]

21. It is tricky..but you have to explain so they UNDERSTAND!

If you were to go to any daycare and ask the kids to draw a picture of a "stranger" or a bad guy...
would it look like the "grandpa-looking"guy down the street?
Would it look like an abusive babysitter?

A very tough subject.

[SoCalDem]

23. That's why we always said ...ANYBODY..

Even if they knew the person, they had to know that NO ONE was allowed to touch them or make them feel uncomfortable..

[Valerie5555]

22. Tell MJ or Michael Jackson to Beat It

that is if he really is a "kiddy diddler"


On edit I love the Michael Jackson jokes.

[ChoralScholar]

27. I've always felt

that a very important thing is never to create an environment where it is taboo to talk about these things. I grew up in an environment where if I asked questions about sex or sexual anatomy, my parents were angry at me.. telling me "thats not the kind of thing little boys need to know about" Even sometimes there were angry accusations concerning why I would ask a question. Many parents get angry this way out of frustration of not knowing how to communicate with their children, or generally just being uncomfortable with the subject matter (that kind of thing gets passed from generation to generation)

I always swore I would never be that way to my kids.

If you treat sex as taboo, it very well may be your kid that gets pregnant or gets someone else pregnant at age 13. It also may be your kid that gets victimized by a pedophile, and is afraid to bring it up to you.

[Valerie5555]

28. Holy moly another thing to give Bill Clinton credit for

or bringing "ooh la la" or that word that rhymed with "hex" and began with s out of the closet, though oops it was the Retchpubs that were responsible for that whole impeachment brouhaha.