I sent my niece a "get a job" email. Ever had this experience . . .

[bertha katzenengel]

. . . with a slow-to-start new adult?

She's 18. My sister is drowning. My niece does not accept reality. :mad:

Ever had this experience?

[belladonna]

1. I had it with my oldest daughter

I finally told her that, unless she WILLINGLY got a job and WILLINGLY contributed a small token amount, I would make her get a job and contribute at least 50% towards the household bills. She got a job and moved in with her boyfriend soon thereafter :shrug:

[bertha katzenengel]

2. my sister has an advantage in that at least my niece doesn't have a

boyfriend. In fact she hasn't shown any interest one way or the other. Suits me. I've always been terrified she'd get pregnant.

[K8-EEE]

28. My Friend's 26 y/o Son Is Still "Unsure Of What He Wants To Do"

OMG I just want to shake him because his dad is really working himself into an early grave and has killer financial dilemmas, works so many jobs, the "kid" keeps changing schools & directions etc.

[Omphaloskepsis]

3. Welcome to her spam filter.

18, shit, how long has she been out of school? Three months? Finding a job can be a bitch with a blank resume.

[bertha katzenengel]

4. Three years she's been out. She has her GED. She lives in a coccoon.

I told her "no excuses are acceptable." We shall see.

You may be right about the spam filter. :eyes:

[belladonna]

5. It CAN be a bitch but she can TRY

That was the difference between my daughter and son. He tried... it took him awhile, but I knew every day that he was trying. My daughter? She only wanted the job SHE wanted and very rarely bothered to put in applications other than for jobs she knew she couldn't get.

[Omphaloskepsis]

7. How do you know she isn't trying?

Maybe she feels, fat, ugly, has bad clothes. Job hunting is a mental bitch. With a GED you are starting with a leg cut off.

[belladonna]

8. Well, considering who is writing the OP

I guess I assume the best of BK and doubt that she would just go off on a wild tangent and write this e-mail without good reason :shrug:

[Omphaloskepsis]

9. A reasonable person wouldn't write about a family members...

mental health problems on the internet without consent. I would never talk to my aunt again if I found out she had done that.

[skygazer]

11. Mental health problems?

Where does it say anything about mental health problems? Besides that, give me a break. Everyone here has vented about a family member at one point or another. We're supposed to get a signed release first?

[Omphaloskepsis]

14. A person living for three years without getting a job.

might have mental health problems. I'm not saying it is bad. Maybe something to look into. Depression. I'm saying this from experience.

[skygazer]

19. Yeah, and a person sitting in the Oval Office might have them

What's your point? My son in law (from whom I've received a signed release allowing me to discuss his case on the Internet*) hasn't held a job in years. His only mental problem is that he's a lazy fuck.

Is this like the Bill Frist Internet version of the long-distance diagnosis?





*obligatory disclaimer

[belladonna]

22. Snicker

Good one :applause:

[Generic Brad]

36. ROFL!

:rofl:
That's the funniest thing I have heard all day. I just worked 65 hours this past week. Let's see a lazy fuck do that!

[kedrys]

44. On the other hand, a person living 3 years without a job might just

not be able to find a job in a shitty IT job market, without depression or any other mental illness/problems. Also saying from experience.

On edit: I'm not grouchy, although I should prolly go have breakfast before I *do* get grouchy.

[bertha katzenengel]

46. This person "living for three years without getting a job" has been

18 for only a few months. You should've read my previous reply to you more carefully.

You assume a great deal, and perhaps are projecting, since you're speaking from experience. I have experienced horrendous problems due to my own depression - problems I created but didn't know I was creating. Yes, it happens. Where did I write that this is the case with my niece? :grr:

[belladonna]

12. Um, where does she say she has mental health problems?

Geez, I bitch all the time about my family members... sure hope one of them doesn't get wind of it and sue me or anything :eyes:

[Name removed]

17. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[belladonna]

23. I really don't see how I could find out who her niece is with this

Enlighten me, please?

[AirmensMom]

16. How would she know

that her aunt is bertha katzenengel? (Pssst! It's not her real name.)

Anyway, I don't remember reading that the girl has mental health problems. It's something about a job, I think ... maybe I need to pay closer attention next time I read the OP. Unless you're referring to her description as a "slow-to-start new adult". I wasn't aware that was a mental health problem. More like growing pains.:shrug:

[bertha katzenengel]

45. BD, I missed this post yesterday.

This is exactly what my niece is doing: "She only wanted the job SHE wanted and very rarely bothered to put in applications other than for jobs she knew she couldn't get."

I strongly suggested she take a job at a place where being hired is practically guaranteed, and work there while she looks for the "perfect" job.

[philosophie_en_rose]

6. Would that motivate her to get a job?

My little cousin looked for a job for about six months and couldn't even get a minimum wage job in my small hometown. Nothing wrong with him at all, but he had no job experience whatsoever. And when he had to compete with college graduates and people with years of experience - I don't think less of him for not having a job right away.

(And the job was through nepotism - friends of our family - so it is very possible that he would have been unemployed for much longer)


I understand your frustration, but I wonder whether your neice feels like she could get a job or whether your email would motivate her to get a job. Maybe taking some classes or volunteering would help her gain confidence and job experience.

You obviously know her better than I do, but I think it is fair to remember that finding employment is in many ways not in our control.

[bertha katzenengel]

27. "not in our control" -- good point, en rose...

She needs a big fat kick in the ass, but ultimately, I know I have no control. That sucks, I admit.

[philosophie_en_rose]

33. and you create an excuse for her to not look - albeit a stupid excuse.

too much pressure!

[bertha katzenengel]

42. No kidding. As I wrote I realized that. I fully expect that to be thrown

back into my face. But what the hell? Both my sisters have always regarded me a kind of second mom to their kids. The kids and I are all very close. My niece may shut me out for a while because of this, but I have to try.

[Sen. Walter Sobchak]

10. my brother,

He works part time as an extreme bush leauge hockey coach, unwilling to take a real job because he has to keep himself open for hockey oppertunities. Yeah, better hang by the phone bro, Team USA could call at any minute. What little money he does make he just wastes on bimbos, videogames and hockey. Obviously he is still at home and unfortunately our parents are way too supportive of this endevour.

He is like a real life Happy Gilmore - except he isn't stupid, he could apply himself at anything, he just can't get over this fantasy that he is going to be a real hockey coach... he would be a great teacher, but can't give up on the hockey Wayne Gretzky might call tommorow!

[Lisa0825]

26. Welcome to DU policypunk!:-)

:hi:

[bertha katzenengel]

29. yep, sounds familiar

:hi: welcome to DU, policypunk :)

[bertha katzenengel]

47. BTW, I grew up in Huntington Beach

:hi: neighbor

[skygazer]

13. Yes, with my eldest daughter

From whom I've received a signed release allowing me to discuss her situation on the internet*

Yeah, she was not enthusiastic about getting a job. I think she always wanted to get married and have kids and be taken care of by a husband a la June Cleaver. Which doesn't happen much to people in our tax bracket.

So I wanted her to get some job experience. A friend offered a job at their diner and she did nothing but complain. "I don't like it." "They're mean to me." "It's too hard." etc.

She ran off after high school and married a moran from Kansas (from whom I've received a signed release allowing me to discuss his situation on the internet*) and they both proceeded to get and lose jobs at an alarming rate.

She has two kids now. The husband has held a job for maybe 6 months total in the entire time they've been together (nearly 7 years). My daughter smartened up and has kept her decent job for several years now, earning a couple of promotions.

Glad she figured it out but it wasn't from anything I ever said or did.











*Obligatory disclaimer

[Kali]

15. My son who turns 21 tomorrow, finally took a night dishwashing job.

I really don't mind him being around though, he was helpful around the house/ranch...the worst part is everybody and their brother always asking about the kids...OK so he is a bit of a bum, at least he isn't in trouble, addicted or have three kids already...I can handle a bit more time till he figures out something (hopefully more education)....

[ScreamingMeemie]

18. I really don't want my daughter to get a job at 18.

I don't want her working while in high school. She does babysit (we even pay her when she watches BabyG) but that's it. If she opts for college, I don't want her working then either. Education is key...and then on to the real world.

OTH, my father is dating a woman with two boys (30-ish) and a girl. The guys are constantly asking for money for rent/groceries (all the while going golfing and drinking) and the girl is the only one gainfully employed. It blows my mind. I would hate myself if I was 36 and had nothing to show for it. :hi:

[bertha katzenengel]

48. I agree with you re: education

And I'm glad you feel that way about your daughter's future path. I wish this could've been my niece's experience, but she is not interested in education. She already knows it all. :rofl:

[AirmensMom]

20. Some kids have a hard time getting started.

And the longer they wait, the harder and scarier it is. My kids have worked since they were 14, so I never had to have the "get a job" conversation with them. But I did notice their hesitation to move out. They felt better about themselves once they did, though.

Does your niece drive?

[bertha katzenengel]

30. no, she doesn't drive

Her mom can't afford the auto insurance. You see? . . .

:hi: A.M.

[AirmensMom]

38. Yes, I do see.

She's old enough to get her own policy (and her own car), so it doesn't have to be her mom's headache at all. Wanting to drive is usually a good motivator for kids, assuming the parents don't hand it all to them on a silver platter. But they still have to find their way and sometimes need a little push. Have you heard from her yet?

:hi:

[bertha katzenengel]

43. No. I requested a return receipt, and she hasn't read it yet.

Maybe I shouldn't have entitled it "hard-ass message." :dunce:

[DawgHouse]

21. I have not had this experience but maybe you could help more

by sending links or ads? Many companies accept resumes online. Anyway, yes, some are slower starters than others and need a little extra motivation.

[Wcross]

24. Some young people need a kick in the butt to get going.

I suspect she is the type who expect to live at the same standard of living she has enjoyed at home. Somebody has to tell her that the house isn't provided, its earned. The food on the table doesn't just "show up". The lights just don't run forever for free.
The best thing her mother could do is force her out on her own. Nothing beats a dose of reality to wake someone up.

[bertha katzenengel]

31. "Nothing beats a dose of reality to wake someone up." -- I hope that

this boot I'm trying to give her from across the country is the only bit of reality she will require. But somehow I suspect that worse things are in store for her.

[China_cat]

25. My youngest son.

We finally had to throw him out...after him telling us that our only place in his life was to pay his bills, buy him what he wanted and otherwise leave him the fuck alone. He was 20 at the time. Now he's almost 35 and he's still trying to get others to take care of him.

At least he finally realized that we really ARE off that particular list.

[bertha katzenengel]

32. damn, Cat

I'm sorry to hear it. :hug:

[China_cat]

37. I used to be. Not any more.

We never realized just how bad he had made things until he was gone.

[Floogeldy]

34. I wouldn't do that to my niece.

I would leave it to her mother and father to handle.

:shrug:

[K8-EEE]

35. Well She Indicates That Her Mom Is "Drowning"

I guess she is trying to help the mom who is in distress paying for everything....I have known people to intervene with the sibs' kids and once in particular it really turned everything around. This kid was being SUCH an ass to his mom, his parents were recently divorced & the mom didn't want to tell him all this shit about the dad. But the dad was blaming everything on the mom! His uncle sat him down and went I'M GOING TO TALK AND YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN! this was after he called the mom a "bitch." When the kid realized everything the mom's gone through he changed his attitude and PRONTO!

[bertha katzenengel]

41. good for you, Floogy, dear

:hi:

[NC_Nurse]

39. I know lots of parents who allow this.

That's the bottom line. Your sister has to take control of this situation herself. For whatever reason, she has decided to let this continue. Hard to watch, I know.
Actually, she hasn't even hit the big leagues of enabling - at least your niece is only 18. Many kids do the same thing for YEARS beyond that and the parents act like they are powerless. They are actually doing their child a disservice, IMHO.

[calico1]

40. I totally agree..

There are kids who are hesitant to grow up but then there are also kids who "grow up" but still feel their parents owe them. An example is my step daughter. She envies a lot of what her aunt does. Aunt has a good, high paying job and has her kids in private school. Well, she got in her head the idea that her little daughter just had to go to this same private school even though the public school system here is just fine. She works but she can't afford to send her there. So she asked Dad and unbeknownst to me, he shelled out the money for her first year of school. :mad: I am a believer in helping out family when they need it. But I also believe in living within your means and not wanting higher things than you can afford and then expecting mom and dad to pay for it if you can't. She has hinted a few times on getting her little girl a pony. (She used to ride horses herself when she was young). But I firmly put my foot down and told him no way are we getting a pony! There is a horse barn a few houses down from us and she can ride ponies there without having to own one. Besides, every pet she has had since I started dating her dad either ended up with her mom or with us, after she tired of them. And I told him I am not taking care of a pony. He means well and she is his only child but I try to tell him he is not helping her in the long run because she is never going to learn to live within her means. I don't think that's a good thing to do to a child. What do they do when mom and dad are no longer around if they have grown up expecting mom and dad to pay for the difference in what they can't afford but want, or in some cases pay for the whole thing?