I've posted horror stories on here before about my encounters
with medical debt collectrolls (collectors), whom I consider
to be the lowest form of scum on earth, as well as regular
debt collectrolls, who are only slightly higher on the lowest
form of scum on earth scale. The medical ones are still
harassing my terminally ill uncle and his wife, my aunt, btw,
since his insurance doesn't cover a whole lot. Like the most
important thing on people minds when they or a family member
is seriously ill is whether or not insurance covers something
and the collectrolls get their fancy commission. These people
prey and make their living off of the misery and misfortune of
others, they don't care if you've suddenly lost your job and
can't find another, or you or your wife/husband/child/, etc.,
etc. are seriously ill, or anything like that. They still make
you feel like the scum of the earth while trolling for as much
money to squeeze out of you as they can so the hospital CEO
and doctors can still make their BMW payments and pay their
country club memberships.
Anyway, this suddenly came to me in a dream last night and I
wrote it down this morning. I just had to share it with you
once I did, so enjoy!
The Official Guide to Debt Collectroll-Speak
Now you, too, can "learn the lingo" and speak like
a debt collectroll, and thus foil them at their own game, by
using this handy translation guide.
What they say What they really mean
1. Yes, I need to speak to 1. I know John/Mary is
there, so
John/Mary, please you'd better put them on the
phone
now.
Alternate Translation: I
know YOU
are John/Mary, so there's no
use in
pretending John/Mary isn't
there.
2. It's very important/urgent/ 2. If you don't return my
call, I
imperative/critical that you won't be able to
squeeze/coerce/
return my call bully/harass money out of
you and
I won't get my commission
for doing
so, which means I won't be
able to
take my fancy vacation while
you're
stuck here on your
sick/unemployed/
broke ass
Alternate Translation: If
you don't
return my call, you're a
criminal,
low-life, pond scum
inconsiderate
bastard who doesn't care if
I end up
in the same position as you,
and who
doesn't care that my clients
won't
be able to make their BMW
payments,
or will have to pull little
Johnny
or Susie out of the fancy
private
school you wish YOUR kids
attended.
3. How do you want to pay/ 3. I know you have the
money, you're
what are you going to do about just deciding not to give
it to
this debt? me and my agency so we
can take
our substantial cut
before giving
the rest to our client
Alternate Translation: We
have ways
of making you pay if you
don't
voluntarily give up some of
that
huge pile of money you're
sitting
on, even though you don't
have a
job or you're too sick to
work.
4. I understand your situation, 4. I don't give a flying
fuck about
but.......... what you're dealing
with, just
find a way to give us
the
$&#*(%&*(*@)*)(%& money it's our
God-given right to have!
Alternate Translation:
It's your
own damn fault you lost
your job/
got sick/or your
wife/husband/
child is seriously ill,
it's not
my problem and you're a
selfish
pig if you don't buck up
and find
a way to give us the
money!
5. Do you have any other source 5. I know you have plenty
of money
of income? and/or ways of getting
it, and
we will find out every
single
detail of your finances,
you
lying scumbag!
Alternate Translation:
Sell the
house, sell your car,
sell all
your furniture and
personal
belongings, sell
your/your
wife's body, offer your
kids as
slaves, THEN you'll have
the
money!
6. I understand you have expenses 6. Who gives a shit
about any of
as well, but......... your expenses, I have my
own
expenses, like that
Hawaian
vacation I'm planning,
which is
far more important than
feeding
your family and keeping
your
house.
Alternate Translation:
You
shouldn't have lost your
job/
gotten sick, etc., so
your
expenses are your own
damn
fault.
7. Surely, you want to do the right 7. See no. 3.
thing and take care of your
obligations?
8. Paying this obligation now will 8. We will hunt you
down and
prevent any further collection take everything you own
and
action on our part garnish your wages
until you
drop dead of
exhaustion, and
we will get our
commission
despite your
selfishness and
lack of consideration.
Alternate Translation:
You
really don't want to
test us on
this, do you?
9. This will affect your credit 9. If it affects your
credit
rating for the next seven years, rating, you won't be
able to
do you really want that? get another job, which
means
you won't be able to
pay us,
and we will NOT be
happy!
Alternate Translation:
If we
don't get our
commission, it
will affect OUR credit
rating,
which means we won't
be able
to harass dumbfucks
like you
anymore, and we will
NOT be
happy!
10. We will, of course, report your 10. LIKE HELL WE WILL!
account to the credit bureaus as paid Alternate
Translation: If you
in full if we receive payment by ___ believe that, I've
got a
bridge in Siberia you
might
be interested in
buying!
Second Alternate
Translation:
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah,
you dumb idiot, you
actually
believe that?
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