I just freaked out and blew up at her.

[Robb]

She's leaving me, faithful readers will recall.

She came over tonight, we were just supposed to have a nice night and watch a movie, and try to remember the good times. And I lost it.

I've been thinking only of her for two years, and suddenly I wanted to be in control. I said horrible things.

The amazing part? Ten minutes after she left, she called to make sure I was going to be OK. She said what happened scared her, but she knew it wasn't me.

God. Now I know I don't deserve her. :cry:

[Floogeldy]

1. Looks like you fucked up.

[Robb]

3. Keen grasp of the obvious

Of course, really it's her that fucked up, as I am so grand. You know. :D

[bicentennial_baby]

2. Ok, if she's leaving you for good...

Why are you hanging out? That's no good for either of you. I know that from experience....and, what happened is just...what it is. Let it go. Move on, if you can, my friend. :hug:

[Robb]

5. I know, it's classic

...She's dragging her feet getting her stuff out, because she's taking on more and more work to prove the point that she's too busy for a relationship. And, of course, I'm letting her drag her feet, because I don't want her to go.

It's so amazingly clear. It's too bad it's not someone else instead of me, because I'd know exactly what to say.

[bicentennial_baby]

7. You'll be ok, I know it....

Go hang with the pups, and breathe....It will pass, and you'll come out of this ok. And Huskies are marvelous for giving emotional support, this I know. :)

:hug:

[Robb]

13. Yeah

The old girl has a hitch in her get-along right now, I can't figure it out and we're hitting the vet Saturday.

Always count-on-able, those pups. You too, by the by. :hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

18. They're amazing....I'm going home to see mine Saturday. Pics:

My Siberian girl, Stripe:



And my Alaskan baby boy, Buddy:

[Robb]

20. Here's the whole pack

The dark red fellow in the middle of everything is Rojo, who I rescued from a life of certain heat in Oklahoma. My other is the light red in the back, Krishna, an AK native. The rest are the "cousins" on the nearby mesa we run with in the winter. Which is coming soon. :)

[bicentennial_baby]

21. OMG!!! They are SO beautiful!

I'm dying over here!!! *swoon*

Stripe is a veteran racer, and Buddy is a pound puppy the I rescued a few days before death...I love them so much. and I miss them terribly...Take care of you, and hang with the pups...They'll take care of you :)

:hug:

[Shine]

4. First off, forgive yourself for having blown up

and then "clean it up" with her, by apologizing. We've all said things in anger that we sometimes regret. Be willing to get outside help if you need it.

Be gentle with yourself. Everyone deserves to be loved, including you.

:hug:

[Robb]

6. I did apologize, at least

It was an awful thing to do, especially considering the hurtful and abusive relationships she's been in. She has every right to be freaked out completely.

It's just amazing. The whole time I've always been thinking of her. She's thinking only of herself now, and I follow suit and it's ugly as anything.

But yes, I did apologize when she called. And we're having coffee in the morning... although not here, because she doesn't want to come over to my house -- first time in two years it hasn't been "our" house, as I think of it.

[Spider Jerusalem]

8. I agree with post #2...

You can't be blamed for being in some emotional turmoil. Especially if this was something rather sudden and unexpected. That close proximity brought some of that to the surface is only natural; really, you shouldn't be spending time with her right now anyway, since she's evidently made her decision and you're evidently not happy about it...that can only lead to bad things. A clean cut heals quickest.

[Robb]

10. Hey, I can know that's true

...and right, and still abandon it for some clinging. :eyes:

God. She fell asleep on the couch as soon as the movie started. Like she always did. And I got the blanket and covered her up. :cry:

I'm such a fucking schmuck.

Fortunately she's off for a two-day street motorcycle ride, guiding some model dudes through the Rockies for a photo shoot. Hey, that's great! :eyes:

I'm such a fucking schmuck.

[Spider Jerusalem]

16. Well, you know...I can sort of relate, in a way.

I've been where you are, sort of, and I know the feeling; it's like you've been sucker-punched in the gut, having that sprung on you. And you don't know why, because you didn't really see it coming, and all you want is the chance to make her change her mind...but she won't. And you feel stupid for not picking up on the little signs...a slight passing irritation or distractedness on her part, a little bit of distance...easy to know what the best thing to do is in that situation, but it can be goddamned hard to do it.

[Robb]

17. Bingo

Fortunately, she's been telling me all the times in the past few weeks I've screwed up. Quite helpful. :eyes:

[Spider Jerusalem]

22. Yeah...that's always nice...

and I'm sure you can only think 'well, if you'd mentioned this THEN, we could've worked through it, but you didn't, so what the hell was I supposed to do? I'm not a mind-reader.' Always easy to drag that sort of thing out long after the fact when it really doesn't matter anymore.

It'll get better...the best thing you can do now is give yourself time and distance.

[bicentennial_baby]

11. Wise words....

"A clean cut heals quickest"

Man, that's the truth....

Hey you... :loveya:

[Spider Jerusalem]

19. Hey...

:hi:

How goes it?

[bicentennial_baby]

23. Pretty good!

At a new skool, tons of work, but otherwise I'm quite content...thank you for asking. How are you, my friend? :hi:

[Spider Jerusalem]

24. Doing pretty well...

been easing back into writing (tricky after an extended period of writer's block), managed to cut my cigarette consumption in half in the past month (don't really want to QUIT, but at 5-10 cigarettes a day it's more of a pleasure than an addiction), and I'm currently planning a trip to Amsterdam with my best friend in December (he's looking into grad school there; this is my second trip there this year and I'm already looking forward to it).

Glad to hear you're well. :)

[flamingyouth]

9. Try to forgive yourself

People say things in the heat of the moment that they regret, and I think in this situation anyone could have done the same thing.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. :hug:

[Robb]

12. FY, how many times have you been my

...clear voice in the desert now? :hug:

[flamingyouth]

14. Just trying to return the favor

Believe me, you've been there for me, friend. :hug:

[Robb]

15. Aw

Great, now all you bastards have me crying again.

I just HATE being a sensitive guy. Why, dear lord, was I not born a prick? I'd be so self-absorbed I'd never feel like this. :)

[Placebo]

25. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah....

ya blew it.

Ah well. At least you didn't kill her!

So lets drink to that, shall we? :toast:

[Evoman]

26. Can I give you some advice?

I don't really know you, and I have no idea what your temper is like under normal circumstances, but there are many ways of controlling your emotions. I was...ahem...somewhat "volatile" in my younger years. I've completely done a 180 since then...I NEVER lose it now, because I've completely learned how to control my emotions. Its helped me immensely...power, love, work, seduction. Control over your emotions is essential in succeeding in these things. Like I said...I don't know your situations, I don't know why you guys split, but ask yourself...could my life be different, if I had mastered my emotions?

If it was, then there are several options. There are several websites on how to control emotions...although the best is cognitive therapy. You control your emotions by controlling how you think. David Burns' "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" is a good place to start.

Whatever you do, know that I feel for you. None of us are perfect. We have all done things we regret, and about 100 percent of us are likely to fuck up in the future. Its part and parcel of being human. I don't want to give you false hope..but..don't assume things will be dead forever. Chances are you blew it...most of us don't get second chances. But if you change who you are, and how you react...if you improve yourself, you never know. Its time to split from her, and work on yourself.

Evoman

P.s. Lol..I hate to think I sound like a therapist or motivational speaker. Just take it from a guy whose been there, huh?

[hfojvt]

27. time to say goodbye?

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=4644315#4644405

Males in our society are taught to convert hurt into anger. Apparently she knows that too.