Advice: Never date someone you met in court or doing community service

[Crazy Dave]

That's good advice folks. Take it or leave it.

Of all the dumb things you've done in the past, what advice would you like to give to others in hopes that they can avoid making the same mistakes?

[Phillycat]

1. Don't put a sweater on over your head with a lit cigarette in your mouth.

Seriously.

[Richardo]

3. .

:spray:

[vickitulsa]

5. !

:spray: :rofl:

BTDT, not fun, and not funny! Unless you're watching someone else do it. ;)

Also never accidentally knock the cherry off a lit cigarette when you're driving -- VERY dangerous!

Don't fall asleep smoking, don't even smoke in bed, don't buy name brand cigs at twice the price of the same thing in generic, and don't ever give up on quitting smoking if you're a smoker!

Actually -- JUST DON'T EVER *START* SMOKING! :D


But my #1 important thing I would advise people is something my mom told me when I was coming of age:

NEVER marry someone thinking you can change him (or her); you can't, and you'll just pay for it in spades later.

Another similar bit of great advice from Maya Angelou channeling through Oprah Winfrey:

When a person you meet WARNS YOU about himself (or herself) in a moment of utter honesty, LISTEN TO THEM.

I think this is clear, but for instance, if a guy you meet tells you he can never seem to stay with the same woman over the long haul, don't fall for him thinking you can win his heart and loyalty forever. HE WARNED YOU.

And finally, never let yourself believe that you absolutely NEED someone else in order to make your own life complete. Others can enhance our lives, make them brighter and bigger and happier, yes. But you can be complete, happy, and content without having to add-in qualities from a partner. The best people are the ones who know themselves and like themselves and don't exude neediness like a starving child. We should feed starving children and help them, but adults of any age who remind you of children all the time need something besides you to help them find what will best serve them in the long run.

Excellent OP. :) :hi:

[LostinVA]

8. I've done that before -- sober

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

88. Same here.

Except it was a hoodie. I don't wear sweaters.

[asthmaticeog]

19. *meekly raises hand*

Done that. :blush:

[calico1]

2. Never go out on a blind date...

ESPECIALLY if the people fixing you up say the other person is "exactly your type." Trust me, it will be the opposite!

Never stand in front of someone with a cigarette. I lost two jackets that way.

Never try to get the plastic off the top of a wine bottle with a sharp knife! I had to get stitches for that stupid stunt.

[datasuspect]

4. don't try and buy heroin on the internet

E-MAIL TRAIL
Internet exchanges discovered by Chicago Police:
"do you still have needles?''

"i have a couple used . . . i need some i guess''

"ok, then dont bring anything . . . we'll buy some, and i have spoons here"

"i have all the necessary supplies.''

"wonderful"

"i had laid out everything on my desk''

"i thank you . . . from the bottom of my addicted heart"


"so i will get 2 total?"

"yeah just try not to take the biguns"

"i wont get high off 1"

"is it caps?"

"no, foils"

[cobalt1999]

6. Learn what poison ivy looks like

Then watch for it when setting up a campsite. That's my good advice.

[LostinVA]

7. Never date a cop who has serious emotional issues

Stemming from sexual abuse as a child. You can't help them, and they went into that profession for a reason. REMEMBER THAT.

[Crazy Dave]

9. Disturbing and scary

:scared:

What a great psychological and emotional screening process that police department had.

[LostinVA]

10. Want to hear what a joke it was?

ALMOST EVERY SINGLE ONE of the people who entered the PD in her class, were divorced, etc. in less than a year -- and two had been arrested for domestic violence. I should have had her arrested for it -- although I was never touched, I was threatened with her 9mm more than once. I also looked down on women who "allowed" themselves to get caught in such a relationship... until it happened to me. I had family support, was educated, intelligent, etc. Oh boy.

Their psych screening was (seriously) talked to a non-licensed person about what animal they were, and why. WTF???

Seriously: if the person you're with has legit problems, great health benefits, and refuses to see someone -- LEAVE.

It makes you really wonder how many cops you see are either sociopaths or have severe issues.

[Blue Diadem]

22. .

It makes you really wonder how many cops you see are either sociopaths or have severe issues.

Most that I've known would fit into those categories.

Sorry you experienced that. Sometimes I blame myself for my daughter's marriage..I always told her to never get involved with a cop because I witnessed so many problems in a majority of the cops(that I knew) marriages. Maybe somehow she wanted to see if it was true because she married one..now they're divorced. Suffice it to say he's got some deep problems.

[LostinVA]

26. It was really, really... interesting seeing the people in that culture

It's like, the "normal" ones in her academy class went to work as wildlife officers, campus cops, etc. And, the ones that wound up having some issues became regular cops and deputies. WEird.

[Blue Diadem]

42. interesting is a good way to describe it.

I just sit back and watch most of the time..unless I'm calling the cops on a cop. That's always fun. Haven't had to do that in a couple years now..hope I don't have to do that again.

[LostinVA]

75. Ha! I've had to do that, too!

[Radical Activist]

11. along those lines

dating any woman who was sexually abused as a child can be a very difficult experience. I wouldn't advise it unless she had enough time to deal with her issues in therapy and has already done the shitty evil stuff to some other ex-boyfriend.

[LostinVA]

14. Or ex-girlfriend

I didn't know about all of this until the relationship had reached a certain emotional level... I was hesitant for the reasons you stated in your post... but I felt crummy just breaking it off. Plus, my Myers-Brigg damns me: INFJ. The Counselor. I think I can listen and fix things. Empathy can be an albatross in certain situations.

Oh, the anger thing was just soooooooo much fun, and we won't even get into talking about any physical relationship stuff.... *sigh*

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

18. That's really the hardest part, isn't it?

I mean, you don't exactly get into the relationship knowing all of those problems exist. You don't learn that stuff until after you've made a commitment, and then feel like a jackass if you try to break it off solely for those reasons. After all, they haven't done anything to YOU yet, have they? Isn't it cruel not to give them a chance?

In my opinion, I still hold that it is wrong and cruel. Unfortunately, that logic leaves you with a ticking time-bomb. Something almost inevitably will happen.

Fortunately, I'm not in that situation now and hope to be with my current SO for a very, very long time.

[LostinVA]

20. OMG -- your first paragraph is spot-on

And yeah, it is wrong and cruel... and yeah, you end up with a ticking time-bomb.

That's 11 years in the past, and thinking about it still kinda gives me THAT feeling in the pit of mys stomach.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

21. It's really hard.

:hug:

[LostinVA]

25. I know

And, you still feel like a jerk when you finally leave.

:pals:

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

29. Yes and no on that last part.

There's no way I can justify being treated the way she treated me, which made it a lot easier for me to leave. Still, knowing that she was essentially a good person that got fucked over and that's what caused her to act the way she did made it difficult for a while.

[LostinVA]

33. You said it better than I did -- that's what I meant

Even though she used her cop access to get my unlisted number and address after I moved out and away.

She also got into another relationship almost immediately after I left -- only a few weeks.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

34. And you know why that all happened, right?

Because she's such an emotional trainwreck that there's no way she could stand to be alone for very long. My ex followed yours' pattern almost exactly, except she wasn't a cop and can't get my now-changed phone number.

They'll both continue to latch onto someone until they uncontrollably fuck up the relationship and then immediately latch onto someone else as soon as possible. Or they'll find someone more fucked up than they are and find it impossible to leave.

Either way, it sadly won't end well unless they get serious counseling.

I'm just so glad that you were able to get away from that. :hug:

[LostinVA]

35. Glad you were too, bud

Yup, I realize that's why she jumped into another relationship ASAP... Jeebus.

She's still a cop btw. Well, as of a few months ago. I keep tabs. Hell, I moved to a different state because of her.

I did everything I could to get her to go to therapy, but she never would. She set up a few appointments, but then never showed up. You can be as loving and as supportive as it is humanly possible to be, but...

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

37. Our situations sound like mirror images.

Mine refused therapy too. Set up appointments, but then backed out.

It's truly amazing how people react nearly identically to a common set of events. And then people say psychologists are quacks... :eyes:

[LostinVA]

38. I know! (re: calling therapists quacks)

At least yours didn't have a 9mm, or a bunch of cop friends who followed you all over time waiting for you to "break" a traffic law. My Dad finally called up her Commander, and at least that stopped.

[Radical Activist]

64. I can understand that.

I'm naturally empathetic and come off as a non-threatening man who would never hurt a woman, which is true. After ending the third relationship with a woman who was sexually or physically abused as a child I finally started to realize why women who have been through that might be drawn to me, how their past related to the way I was treated badly by all three, and I finally decided I wasn't going to allow myself to be treated that way again no matter how much I cared for someone or felt bad about their past. The lingering question is whether I am somehow attracted to women with that kind of past without realizing it and why...hmm...

[LostinVA]

77. Maybe you like to try to fix things, to help people

And, it's hard to learn that people have to begin helping themselves before you can lend a hand.

Just my armchair analysis...

[La Lioness Priyanka]

16. thats crap

would leave a whole lot of women out of circulation

[fudge stripe cookays]

23. What do you care?

You said you've messed around on everyone you've dated anyway. Unfaithfulness is incredibly healthy for relationships. :eyes:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

41. how does my sexual behavior relate to not dating women

who have been sexually abused?

and the reason i have "cheated" on most of my partners is that most of my relationships have been open relationships...

not that i see any correlation between the subject discussed any my own life...

[ThomCat]

44. Just because someone really gets off picking at anything

you post doesn't mean that it necessarily deserves a reply. If someone has an obviously irrational dislike for you then you know what my suggestion is.

:hug:

[Radical Activist]

62. Only until

they learn to deal with their abuse in a way that isn't abusive to their partner.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

65. this is true...and can be said for women/men who have been

in abusive relationships of any kind...

[LostinVA]

78. Correct --

[Radical Activist]

63. dupe

damn internets!

[idgiehkt]

84. thanks.

I've never talked about my history of sexual abuse with any of my friends without them eventually sharing an equally horrifying or even more horrifying story of theirs with me. The possible exception is my best friend in college who said the only history of this she had was that time her dad 'only' french-kissed her when he was drunk once. In my experience the worst folks to get involved with are the ones that go around all 'I had a wonderful childhood and all my lovers end up being so fucked up and I just can't figure out why I attract these people into my life'.

It's called codependency and there's a twelve step group for it.

I'd rather be with someone that knows their issues and works on them then someone who is utterly and completely clueless and is a codependent 'nurturer' type. The nurturer/codependent and the designated psycho/addict/whatever in a relationship together are two sides of the same pathology and the only hope for that is counseling to break out of those roles, and that means counseling for BOTH parties.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

86. agreed...i used to say that...and then i got some therapy

and now i am only screwy within realms of normality

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

17. A-fucking-men to that.

Good lord, I can't agree with that statement enough. It's not humanly possible.

[idgiehkt]

85. I can't disagree more.

Yeah, just go for the types that don't remember it, that's always better.

[ThomCat]

49. Women who have been abused

deserve some non-abusive love and affections, just like anyone else. And maybe they will need to learn how to be in a healthy relationship. Or maybe they've already learned. Either way, I hope people ignore your advice. Women who have been abused are just getting abused again if they suddenly become pariahs because of what was done to them.

I agree that it takes a lot of patience and understanding to date someone who is working through the pain of past abuse. I can even agree that some people don't have enough patience and understanding. But the idea generalizing that people should not date someone simply because that other person has been abused seems to me to be very mean and cruel.

And, this applies to the hidden problem of men who have been abused too.

[Radical Activist]

58. You wrote:

"And maybe they will need to learn how to be in a healthy relationship."

I think what I wrote is that someone not date a person who has been sexually abused until she has learned or is willing to learn to do that. Otherwise, their partner is in for a lot of emotional abuse and turmoil of their own.

[LostinVA]

80. I think you two basically agree

And yes, they need to start beginning to heal themselves. I also bet most therapists would tell them not to start a "real" relationship until they can be healthy in it -- for both themselves and their partner. This is what mine told me, in trying to get me to understand it was NOT my fault that I couldn't help her.

[Radical Activist]

59. dupe

[Radical Activist]

60. dupe

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

66. As you can see in my post above...

Yes, they deserve and chance. Yes, it's cruel to ditch them solely because of that.

However, you do have to be aware that there's an extremely high chance that unless they've gone through the proper counseling (and few have, because our mental health infrastructure is non-existent), you are dating a time-bomb that will go off at some point.

It's a horribly, horribly tragic situation that I mourn greatly.

[tigereye]

79. nicely and compassionately said, Thom

:thumbsup:

[ThomCat]

87. Thank you.

:hi:

[woo me with science]

91. I would rephrase this and clarify.

Just because a woman has a history of sexual abuse does not mean that she is necessarily emotionally unhealthy for a relationship. I think you have to distinguish between two groups of women reporting past abuse.

I do believe that it can be a bad idea to date women who are heavily involved in "Survivorship" (with a capital "S") and recovering memories of abuse. There is an almost cult-like subculture of "survivors" who build their lives around recovering and obsessing on "repressed" or "dissociated" memories of abuse (that are very likely to be false). The constant focus on abuse memories and victimhood in this group will be damaging to almost any relationship, but these women are NOT representative of most women who have actually experienced abuse.

There is a famous quote in the abuse literature by a therapist who observed that her therapy groups for abuse survivors almost always split on their own into two subgroups. Those who had always remembered their memories wanted to focus on moving past their abuse and building healthy lives and relationships. They could not tolerate the women with "recovered" memories, who were mainly interested in recounting and obsessing on their memories, and playing the role of victim. This obsessive self-focus is not conducive to the development of healthy, equal relationships with others.

Just because a woman has a history of abuse does NOT mean that a relationship with her will be unhealthy. If she is involved in recovering memories and building her life around her role as "Survivor," however, that is a very bad sign.

[MrScorpio]

12. Never date anyone crazier than you are

I used that as a guideline

[leftyladyfrommo]

52. Well that leaves me wide open. I think I may be crazier than

just about everyone. In my own way.

And then I find out that everyone is crazy in their own way. It is kind of a human condition.

[Dora]

13. Gentlemen: Never Drop the Jay into Your Lap

...when you have a lap full of unstrung Black Cats.

[meegbear]

15. Whatever you do ...

don't fuck it up.

[Ravenseye]

54. Best piece of advise EVER

I actually got that once. A friend of my father's told me that before I went to college. He said "I've got one piece of advice for you, that if you try and follow, you'll probably be outrageously happy. 'Don't fuck up.'"

He was drunk at the time and reeked of old man aftershave. I took it as a 'do as I say, not as do' piece of advice.

[leftyladyfrommo]

24. Also - don't date someone you met in the drunk tank.

You really need more in common than that.

[Crazy Dave]

36. Mine was a DUI (1st and last)

The first lady was in court for drunk and disorderly, wanted to move in after first date.

The second I can't remember what she did, but I met her doing my community service for above mentioned DUI and she had an ex husband with big time issues stalking us all the time.

Lessons learned.

[leftyladyfrommo]

43. Well, that sounds like a good time!

Don't you just hate it when someone is stalking you? That completely creeps me out.

I've never been in jail - except once just to visit. Didn't look like someplace I would want to stay for very long. It was kept very dark - and I just hate "dark."

[NewWaveChick1981]

27. Performing certain activities while driving is not a good idea.

If someone gets their head stuck, you'll have a serious steering problem. Oh, and it'll hurt. :P

[LostinVA]

28. !!!

[NewWaveChick1981]

32. ...

:hi:

[Guy Fawkes]

30. Those moonroofs are dangerous!

[NewWaveChick1981]

31. I've heard that.

:rofl: :hi:

[Shine]

39. I married someone who was involved with the same non-profit

that's kind of like "community service". We're still going strong, 15 yrs and two kids later...:loveya:

My advice: Never cook bacon while naked. :D

[LostinVA]

40. That's a good tip!

[leftyladyfrommo]

45. or hamburgers!

[leftyladyfrommo]

46. or hamburgers!

[Ravenseye]

47. Never Date Someone with SEVERE Image Issues

Most people think they're fat, or hate their hair, or think their feet are ugly. I'm not talking about that. I'm not even talking about people with Anorexia or Bulemia.

I'm talking about people for instance, who are of one race, raised by a family of another, who practically made them feel inferior because of it. I dated a girl who was born in Korea but raised by an American family who adopted her when she was over 2 years old. The next oldest child was over 10 years her elder. She was raised very wrongly by these people, and felt of her family like she was a secondary member of the family...because of her race. Really fucked up situation. Basically she hated herself because she wasn't white...or ranged the complete opposite direction where she hated everyone who wasn't asian. Her mood would swing with wild abandon with these switches from being very nice and friendly to being suicidaly depressed, to being so violent she'd cold cock people for absolutely no reason.

Like I said. SEVERE image issues.

[hfojvt]

48. all the dating advice in this thread

seems pointless to me. As if I could get a date anyway.
Then again, maybe I should be thankful for that :scared:

[Ravenseye]

50. Always Take Photographs of an Apartment Before You Move Out

Don't skimp. Buy a newspaper. Take pictures of every wall, every inch of floor, every window. Everything. If you have a digital camera, take hundreds of photos of everything. Closeups of window latches. Vents. Everything. It might take you 15 minutes or so, but it'll help immensly if your crappy landlord refuses to not only give your security deposit back, but actually counter sues you for additional damage to the apartment.

Always take photos of the place, with the day's paper in the photo (on the floor or whatever) to protect yourself.

[myrna minx]

61. Good advice. Also,

just because something is written in your lease, doesn't necessarily make it legal. If you are being jerked around by your landlord about something like your notice to vacate, consult your state's Attorney General. In Minnesota, if you are on a month to month lease, you cannot be expected to give a 60 day notice, because you are on a month to month lease. 60 day notice would be considered a 2 month lease.

Also, at time of move in, chronicle anything wrong with the apartment such as missing storm windows, stains on the carpet/vinyl etc. so you cannot be blamed for the damage when you move out.

[LostinVA]

82. Excellent advice about the apartment!

I paid a photographer $50 to do that when I moved from one state to another... they were sucky and evil landlords, and I KNEW they would do something to me. They did -- they sued, saying I had trashed the place, and owned them over 1k. Not only did I have photographs, but the photographer had went with em when I turned in my keys. When I informed the landlord of that, the suit was dropped and I got my deposit check Fed Exed to me.

[Ravenseye]

51. Always Have an Independent Mechanic check out a Used Car before you Buy

Never buy it straight off the lot without taking it to a different mechanic first to have him check it out. Also do the carfax thing to check on the vehicles history. Never skimp on this.

[Ravenseye]

53. Don't be a dick to a waiter before you get your food

You should try to avoid pissing off the people who handle your food. Goes for husbands and wives as well. ;)

[Ravenseye]

55. Don't Cut Your Own Hair

Trust me. You'll miss something and end up looking like 'Lunk' from the movie 'The Goonies'.

Even if you buzz it yourself, get someone to check it out afterwards to see if you missed anything.

[Ariana Celeste]

56. Especially if you have shakey hands :)

I cut my own bangs when I was in 6th grade.... hooboy. Waaaay too short. It was so bad even my teacher asked about it. Sigh. :7

[Ravenseye]

57. I tried to trim my hair once by myself

I ended up with a buzz cut eventually. I kept making it uneven and shorter and shorter. EVentually there was nothing else that could be done without me looking completley idiotic.

[ScreamingMeemie]

67. ...unless you are licensed to do so.

:hi:

[kwassa]

74. Don't cut your own hair if you are in a hurry.

I botch the beard trim if I do. My wife cuts her own hair all the time, I do the back for her. Looks fab. She cuts mine.

[ScreamingMeemie]

68. Don't buy the foot locker full of army guys out of the back of a comic.

That's good advice from my dad. :hi:

[ScreamingMeemie]

69. Don't hit the PM button instead of the "alert" button when you are

going to alert on someone. :hi: :blush:

[LostinVA]

83. I've almost done that about 100 times

I know I will screw that one up one day!!!

[myrna minx]

70. Do not taunt happy fun ball.

:hi:

[AngryAmish]

71. Don't decide to get a haircut when:

1. You have been drinking beer and smoking pot all afternoon.
AND
2. Let a buddy of yours who also has been drinking beer and smoking pot all afternoon cut it for you.

You will end up with a haircut that makes you look like Hitler.

[Le Taz Hot]

72. Never eat cherries, bean dip and a bran muffin

within a 24 hour period.

[Phillycat]

89. HA!

I have the same problem with cherries, which sucks because I love them. I can only eat about 5-10 before I start to have problems, though...

[kwassa]

73. Don't hold hot styrofoam cups of coffee between legs while driving

Somebody slammed on their brakes in front of me, I slammed on mine and had a very hot, wet, and incredibly painful experience. And a loud scream.

[cwydro]

76. never date your boss

or anyone with more problems than you have....:banghead:

[fudge stripe cookays]

81. Don't iron naked.

Don't get a giant sized Jamba Juice before making the drive between San Jose and Santa Cruz unless you have an industrial size bladder.

Don't date lawyers. They lie for a living. And they do it very convincingly.

Don't take Vicodin then eat anything with peanuts in it. If you're like me, the Vicodin will make you very sick, and peanuts HURT coming back up.

[JVS]

90. DUUUUHHHHHH!