My wife left today

[jmowreader]

She wrote me a note and started driving to Tennessee, where her sister lives. Then she'll go to Illinois to see her mom, and finally look for work in St. Louis.

I'm bummed.

[Mz Pip]

1. So sorry.

Was this a surprise? Hang in there.:hug:

Mz Pip
:dem:

[jmowreader]

7. It was a definite surprise

I'll tell ya: either she just woke up this morning and decided to leave, or she needs to drive past St. Louis and head straight for Hollywood because she's the best actress of our generation.

We own a trilevel house. On the lower level is where I've got my computer, woodworking equipment and drums. Last night she came downstairs all friendly, talking about where we were going to go to eat tonight, what she wanted to do to the top level (we have three bedrooms up there now; she wanted to tear out the wall between the two smaller bedrooms, build two closets at one end, and use that as our bedroom while she moved HER computer (which she threw on the concrete carport to smash it before she left), TV, stereo and the like into what's now our bedroom), jobs she might want to look into, jobs I'm looking into, just normal stuff. No indication whatsoever that she was going to leave.

[Redstone]

24. Schizophrenia, much?

Hang in there, OK? I know it's tough, but you can't let her looniness ruin your life.

Redstone

[pitohui]

25. jeebus is she bipolar?

get a lawyer now to protect your rights, esp. since you are the innocent victim who was abandoned

a friend's wife went kookie like this out of nowhere, it turned out she had multiple schlerosis of the brain and she died in a year or so after acting increasingly bizarre and deceitful -- a very sad situation for all concerned

i would be closing my bank and brokerage accounts NOW and putting them where she can't get to them, but she's probably way ahead of you, the friend's wife did things like spend all the money on some kind of SUV or Hummer they couldn't possibly afford and that was destined to be repo'd in a few months time

also contact all your credit card companies and tell them to either close your account or you can be responsible for your own charges only

you might really truly need a lawyer fast

[jmowreader]

43. I checked the bank balance

On Monday I'm either going to have her name taken off the account, or set up a second account in my name only with automatic transfer of the amount needed to pay an automatic draft we've got set up. So far, though, she has kept her word that she wouldn't draw any more money out of the account--the full amount I deposited in there on Friday is still there.

I'm wondering: should I be an asshole and have her car taken off the insurance policy, effective 1 November? I've got to pay for her car this time because the bill is already here, but what about next time? I do have a forwarding address.

You folks who've been through this, tell me: is it possible to have one name removed from a credit card account? She ran up ALL the debt on those, and I'm kinda reticent to pay it because if I even thought about using a card I'd get my ass chewed. (Yes, she's been this way for quite some time.)

[yewberry]

52. I'm really sorry to hear about this.

I don't think removing her from your insurance would make you an asshole-- I think it's completely reasonable.

About the car: whose name is on the loan? (I hope it's not yours.)

I don't know if you can remove one name from a credit card account; I do know that you are legally responsible for any & all charges made to the account while your name is on it regardless of who made the purchases. I have a dear friend whose ex ruined her credit and put her thousands of dollars in debt that way. I'd call the credit card co immediately and find out.

Best of luck to you.

[jmowreader]

58. We paid cash for the car

Thanks (I guess) for the information about the credit cards.

[speedoo]

55. Re. credit cards...

My bank would not remove my ex's name from a joint account. Had to close it and open up a new one. I suspect it's the same elsewhere. Remember that when you do this, you'll have to adjust any automatic payments you are now making from that account.

Good luck, and I'm sorry. :hug:

[hfojvt]

60. if you are the primary on the credit card account

then you can dump any secondary people you have added. If you are the secondary, then you can run up her bills without legally having to worry about it (except that if you are married it will come up in the divorce proceedings and it is a burning bridge kinda thing. Is it possible that her family will talk some sense into her (and granted that is a perpective I am not qualified to make. Perhaps she was right to leave you since you ignore her to spend ALL your time on DU instead of washing dishes or helping with laundry)).

Joint accounts are trickier, and citibank quit doing joint accounts for that very reason. And since I worked for the Citi, I cannot tell you how that would work. I would think you could take your name off of it at the very least, and if you have joint accounts I would call them ASAP - the numbers on the back are usually 24 hour service.

Not to shaft her, but I would drop her from any accounts where she is secondary, because otherwise she can max out those cards, if she chooses, and leave you liable. If you still trust her, or love her, then you may want to let her, but from what I can see, she has broken the trust.

[Straight Shooter]

69. Probably too late to reply about the insurance, but here goes ...

You two are still married. If she gets in an accident and is uninsured, you'll end up paying for it just as much as she does, maybe more.

So, notify her that it will be cancelled before you do it. But protect yourself, and talk to your agent about it first. See what your rights are, and potential liabilities if you do cancel.

===================

Maybe she just needs a break. I gave up on trying to figure people out a long time ago. :shrug:

[jpak]

49. I agree - my ex-SIL took out a second mortgage on my bro's house

and cleaned out the checking and savings accounts the day before she filed for divorce.

It was a real mess...

[insane_cratic_gal]

65. She left for some internet person?

Who smashed their computer unless they don't want you snooping?

[Lars39]

2. I'm so sorry, jmowreader!

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. My dear jmowreader........

My deepest condolences.......:hug:

[Kajsa]

4. Oh, jmowreader, I'm so sorry to hear that.

It's the pits.
I know, I've been there.

Hang in there. Do whatever you need to
do to feel better.

:hug:

[Left Is Write]

5. I'm sorry.

[bigwillq]

6. That's awful!

Did you see this one coming or was it a total shock?


I am sorry. :hug:

[jmowreader]

9. It's not a TOTAL shock, but the way she did it was

I kinda figured she was going to leave. We're completely broke all the time and her favorite thing in the world to do is spend money.

[bigwillq]

10. Maybe that's why you're broke!

I say you're better off. It sucks for now but I'm sure you will be able to pick up the pieces and move on.

Good Luck. :hug:

[Syncronaut Seven]

51. That right there is the problem friend!

Uncontrolled spending in the face of poverty is a telltale of Compulsive/Obsessive disorder. Also, one rarely achievs a depth of soul or substance when obsessed with aquiring material goods. All part and parcel of a society which worships at the alter of consumerism i suppose.

Protect yourself first. Then write the experience off as a lesson learned. There are bright, well centered women out there, just look below the surface.

I decided long ago not to bed women I wouldn't call a friend first. Better results that way.

Peace.

[LeftyMom]

8. I'm sorry.

[Haole Girl]

11. Did you argue last night?

Do you think maybe she might calm down after a break?

Sorry you have to go through this. :hug: :grouphug: :hug:

[jmowreader]

38. Actually quite the opposite

She was acting all calm and friendly.

[av8rdave]

12. So sorry to hear...

Been there, done that. One of two things will happen: Either things will ultimately work out and you guys will have a better relationship for it, or you will wind up with a new and better life. #2 can be a tough journey, but it DOES get better.

All the best

[Mike03]

13. Truly Sorry

I don't know the circumstances or anything, but divorce under any circumstances is just horrible. Nothing in my entire life was worse than my divorce. My heart just goes out to you, regardless of the situation.

[SeattleGirl]

14. Yikes! I'm sorry to hear this.

I hope things turn out for the best for you. Hang in there. There are lots and lot of shoulders her in DU to lean on. Believe me, it can help one to get through something challenging.

[jmowreader]

15. To all

Thanks for your support.

DUers, I think I'm going to have to do something that's totally non-progressive, but I gotta live. Apologies in advance.

I think I told you about this guy named Gabe that I know from a job I had a long time ago. Gabe now works at a place on post, working as a Humvee tire specialist for $18 per hour. Many moons ago Gabe said he could get me a job out there working with tactical communications equipment or fixing Humvees for at least as much as he's making and probably more. I didn't take him up on it at the time because I couldn't get on post with my non-inspected car, but now it's inspected so I can get on just fine.

Here's my train of thought: The two of us were making around $19 per hour. For that we had to buy gas for two cars, food for two people, cigarettes for her, all her miscellaneous discretionary spending...if I can make $18 with one less mouth to feed, I should be okay. If I can make $20 per hour, that's even better.

Plus, when I leave the Home Depot I will get to cash out about two and a half weeks worth of vacation and about twelve days worth of personal time. With that I can definitely afford to replace my lathe and start back making bowls to sell.

The total goal is to pay off everything I owe to everyone, sell the house, buy a Volkswagen bus and move out west. I'm thinkin' California, which we SHOULD have done in 1994 when I got out of the army. I did a compilation of all the things I know how to do, and about the only place I can use all of them at once is in a special effects house in Hollywood.

The one thing I am NOT going to do just yet is attempt to find female companionship. I don't think I'd be much good to her in the shape I'm in.

[SeattleGirl]

16. There is nothing non-progressive, or un-progressive about

working for a living. Yes, lots of people around these parts love to Hummer-bash, but in my opinion, if you need to make more money, and if that will help you get things turned around, that's more important than being "progressively correct." Good luck to you. Sounds like you are ready to get it together and move on. All the best to you.

[jmowreader]

39. The Hummer bashing seems to regard ones in private hands

The non-progressiveness I was thinking about was "supporting Bush's war."

I'm going to frame it as "supporting the troops, not Bush's war." Besides, those companies were there, doing logistical support for the military, long before the war started.

[greatauntoftriplets]

57. I checked your profile and see that you are in Fayetteville....

Fort Bragg must be a major economic engine for that area. It's not progressive to bite the hand that can feed you.

My guy spent significant time there back when he was in the 82nd Airborne 40 tears ago. Good luck.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

18. Do what you have to do!

But if you change jobs we'll miss your Demented Home Depot Customers stories. :)

Good luck, whatever you do.

[petronius]

19. I'm really sorry to hear this...

Your posts make it clear you're a good guy, and you don't deserve this...

As for your plan, it sounds good, and definitely not "non-progressive." There is a huge difference between a humvee on a base and a Hummer in a suburban driveway! Good luck making the changes (although I'm going to miss the HD stories - I hope you've got some saved up!)

[greatauntoftriplets]

20. You need to make money, do what you must.

You also need to get your life back together and if fixing Humvees is how to do it, go for it. I am so sorry about your wife. It sounds like she is flipping out a bit.

[jmowreader]

40. "A bit" ain't exactly the word for it

She is, in reality, just acting like Lori, but it's really expressed now.

Her second-favorite hobby, after spending money, is blaming me for EVERYTHING. Especially things that I couldn't possibly have done.

Water heater goes out? My fault.

Dryer quits working because it's 30 years old and they eventually wear out? My fault.

Can't find a set of knitting needles she wants? My fault.

Timing belt on her car breaks? My fault. And then she decided to give me three hours to fix it--she originally wanted me to fix it along the roadside in fifteen minutes so she could drive the car to her friend's house the night the belt broke; she got REALLY pissed when I told her no, I'd fix it the next day (do you know exactly how many parts you have to remove to get to the timing belt? This is a $350 major repair that requires taking half the car apart). When I didn't get it done in three hours I got my ass chewed royally. I got the covers and drivebelts off the car in an hour, then spent the next two hours struggling with the crank pulley.

When her alternator went out, I got yelled at for three days because I didn't maintain her alternator properly. There is no such thing as "maintenance" on an alternator, but obviously me not doing the maintenance you don't do on an alternator caused it to go out.

The woman scares the shit out of me. The scariest part? There's this big Green/Kidd family tradition of leaving for three or four days then coming back like nothing's wrong.

[greatauntoftriplets]

59. She sounds like she needs help to get a grip on reality.

And I do know how many parts need to be removed to change a timing belt, since I had to have that done last winter.

[alcibiades_mystery]

67. Soiunds like a shitty relationship to begin with

I've been married for seven years, and my wife and I rarely ever fight. The very notion of her yelling at me for three hours is completely foreign to me. I don't even understand how that would work.

[I Have A Dream]

68. Sounds as though you're really lucky that she ended things.

Almost certainly, you'll be much happier without her. If she comes back and you've decided that you've been happier since she left, you have the right to say that you don't want this to be your life anymore.

:hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

22. I was worried that you were being too hasty

until I read the last line. I'm sorry for the way she left you and I hope your new plans work out.

I'll also miss your Worst Customer of the Day stories. Perhaps you'll find humorous anecdotes in your new endeavors.

Take care jmowreader.

[flamingyouth]

23. I too will miss your Worst Customer of the Day stories

After 20 years in retail myself, I can understand wanting to get out to do your own thing.

Do take care and know you've got friends here.

[Redstone]

26. You make woden bowls? When you go out west, go up to Oregon and

get yourself some myrtlewood. It turns like a dream and looks terrific.

And even though it's not considered to be a tonewood, I did make a dulcimer out of it once. It sounded nice.

Redstone

[pitohui]

28. your plan sounds fine

however, as i said upthread, do think about consulting w. a lawyer because otherwise even if you pay off your own debts you may be stuck with hers

[hickman]

29. First get a legal separation.

You could make all this money and pay off everything, put money in the bank for your move, then get slammed in divorce court. She may be piling up debts as we speak, and you'd be responsible for half at least.

[SammyWinstonJack]

34. Great advice!

[idgiehkt]

31. you do what is right for you

I wish you the best.

[SammyWinstonJack]

33. I'd say, do what you think you need to do, and you know best what that is.

And California isn't a bad place to end up, it's my home state and I miss it greatly!

[blonndee]

36. I'm so sorry for what's happened, but we do what we have to do to make it.

You don't need to apologize or justify yourself to us, or to yourself, although I know working out this kind of thing is helpful.

You have to make it yourself before you can help anyone else, right? There'll be time later on to figure out whether or not you can or want to move on to something else. Being debt-free, which is what you're working towards, will be the best thing you can do for yourself as well as others, later on.

I don't know you, but I wish you all the best, jmowreader.

[flamingyouth]

17. I'm really, really sorry.

:hug:

[Fenris]

21. You have my sincerest condolences.

:hug:

Like the man said, keep on keeping on.

[Joey Liberal]

27. Bummer

Hang in there dude.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

30. Well, that was a cowardly thing for her to do

An acquaintance in Portland had her husband leave her like that. He just failed to come home from work.

As another poster said, I hope you've protected your assets. You need to see a lawyer right immediately.

[SammyWinstonJack]

32. Hang in there!

:hug:

[u4ic]

35. I'm sorry, jmowreader

:hug:

[gkdmaths]

37. Whenever I encounter situations like this

I like to take long drives to places I've never been (or been afraid to go to). Sometimes I take my camera. Many times I make it an excursion to try to reinvent myself. It's always a method to recover - and it is certainly always a way to get to know myself again.

Im an adventurer, so I tend to go on adventures that challenge my will: it lets me know who I am again.

Find something for yourself to do (climb a mountain, start swimming or fishing, take yoga classes or join a RC airplane club). You'll become whole again. I've been leading up to this in a planned process for a few years now, so I'm right there with you (in a sense).



:pals:

[Lady Effingbroke]

41. I'm so sorry, jmowreader.

You have such flair for storytelling, and your posts, especially your stupid customer stories, are always a delight to read!

[JanMichael]

42. Have you talked to either her sister or Mom?

I would call them as soon as you read this post and let them know. I know this might sound melodramatic, but if she met a creep on the computer (smashing the evidence on the carport floor-) then SOMEONE needs to be aware of where she is. I understand people take off--but, the smashed computer caught my attention.

Just my two cents.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

[EFerrari]

44. My husband's meds were changed and like clockwork, two weeks

later, he didn't come home from a gig. I'm a bad person, everything in the relationship is my fault.

It was terribly hurtful and created financial HAVOC after I worked so hard to put a little bit a stability in our lives.

His bonds seem to be shallow. We have pets that adore him and he didn't even say goodbye to them.

Lori sounds a lot like my husband. It seems to me as if there's some kind of sociopathology going on in our case, any way. It's not adult behavior, at the very least.

I'm still very upset and still don't really know the whole picture, but I'm thinking, I can't live with anyone that could do that TO MY DOG.

Take good care of yourself.

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

45. oh, god, jmow, I am so sorry

I can't imagine what's going on inside you. I wish I could help. :hug:

[HEyHEY]

46. Holy shit, wow man. Was this a total surprise?

Or did you see it coming?

[wildhorses]

47. fucking bummer...

:hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

48. I'm so sorry...

:hug: :hug:

[FILAM23]

50. Sorry man

something similar happened to me years ago.
Wife got home from work about 1/2 hour after I did, I told her to
get ready, I was taking her out to dinner. She said she had to tell
me something and that after I heard I probably wouldn't want to go
to dinner with her. I asked what was up, she replied "I want a divorce".
Totally out of the blue, we had been having no fights, no problems at all
that I was aware of. Now a little more then 33 years later, I've been
happily married for 30years to wife #2 and the last I heard she is on
husband #5..Leads me to believe the problem was hers, not mine.

[Bunny]

53. I'm very sorry to hear this.

I hope it all works out for the best. :hug:

[buddhamama]

54. i am sorry...

words always seem so inadequate... :hug:

[applegrove]

56. Yes sorry..

[bicentennial_baby]

61. After reading your posts, I think she may be mentally ill

She sounds manic, and possibly OCD...She needs help. Not your fault though. I'm sorry you're going through this. :hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

62. Can you make a living off the stuff you make?

We go to this superb craft fair every year here near WIlliamsburg called Plantation Christmas. The craftsmen are outstanding and the goods are beautiful.

Here's a link.

http://www.shakerwoods.com/news/publish/cat_index_23.shtml

[Missy Vixen]

63. I'm thinking of you

Please know that you have all the good thoughts I can send. I have to echo the concerns of the poster that was wondering why she smashed her computer. If there's a way to harvest that hard drive, you need to do so. There's something on it she doesn't want you to see, I'm thinking, and you may need that later.

Obviously, I don't live your life -- but if she comes back in four days and wants to move back in, I hope you'll tell her "no".

:hug:
Julie

[SlavesandBulldozers]

64. i can relate.

sorry to hear about it. i know the feeling all too well, very similar thing happened 6 months ago. Women. . . lol.

[Bombero1956]

66. dude

she sounds like a nutburger with a side of fries.

[SlavesandBulldozers]

70. lol!!

heyup, I'm not gonna comment anymore on this because of the feelings involved, and love is love - but I agree.

[SacredCow]

71. I know it sucks now...

I was there a couple of years ago. But my life now is MUCH better for it, so keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel!

And for the record, staying out of romantic relationships for a bit is a very good thing. It takes time for most people to come to terms with all of the emotional turmoil of a breakup.