What Airlines DON'T Want You To Hear

[Taxloss]

Economist in "funny article" shock:

“GOOD morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is. Please ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and your tray-table is stowed. At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.

The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This is the part of the announcement that you might want to pay attention to. So stop your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance where the exits are makes a dramatic difference to your chances of survival if we have to evacuate the aircraft. Also, please keep your seat belt fastened when seated, even if the seat-belt light is not illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea of how nasty it can be. We don't want to scare you. Still, keep that seat belt fastened all the same.

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's what you've always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn't sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

More:

http://www.economist.com/opinion/displaystory.cfm?story_id=7884654

[bicentennial_baby]

1. wow, that's freaky...

i *just* bought that issue about a 1/2 hour ago, and *just* read that while smoking a cigarette on the porch, while giggling away....weirdness :crazy:

[Radio_Lady]

2. That's hilarious -- really! Thanks for posting. :)

[jmowreader]

3. Flight Safety Briefing, OV-1D Style

I got a chance to ride on an OV-1D Mohawk as a tactical observer once, along the Korean Demilitarized Zone.

This is a Mohawk.



Before we left Camp Humphreys, I jokingly asked the pilot if he was going to do a flight safety briefing like they do on airlines. "Yeah. You see that handle? (points at the ejection seat handle...) If the plane starts to fall out of the sky, pull that handle and you'll be shot through the canopy...unless we're really close to the DMZ, and then you've got a choice: die in a fiery plane crash or fall into the hands of the North Korean Army, who know that you came out of a spyplane. Me? I'm staying with the aircraft. You did practice your parachute landing fall before you came up here, right?"

The plane did not fall out of the sky.

[Radio_Lady]

4. Just sent this to my family and friends list...

[Taxloss]

5. kick n/t

[Lydia Leftcoast]

6. I always sit as close to an exit row as possible and

wear only natural fibers. The reason is that in the event that if I survive a crash and there is fire involved, natural fibers like cotton and wool will only scorch, while synthetic fibers will MELT. Into your skin. :scared:

[LaurenG]

7. Good Find

Now if we could get that same disclaimer regarding the war in Iraq, the real reasons for the high price of gas, the reason for no healthcare for all, corporate welfare...

[alarimer]

8. The day they allow cell phone use on planes

is the day I will end up in jail because the last thing I want to hear is some assholejabbering away about nothing in the seat next to me. We'll see just how far a cell phone will fit down someone's throat. I hope to hell they decide not to allow it; I don't care if it's a non-issue as far as safety is concerned. It IS an issue for sanity and comfort.