So I'm pulling out of my parking space at the grocery store

[crim son]

and I'm a complete wreck, bawling as usual. I don't see a car behind me and I almost ream him with the back of my car. He gives me the finger as I slam on the breaks. And we continue on our merry way. But it occurs to me, WHAT THE FUCK? How FUCKING long am I going to be crying over the proverbial spilled milk? Is ANYBODY worth what I've gone through??? Should I just give up on ever being happy again? Should I resign myself to being alone? Was this "man" the love of my life and it's over and THAT'S IT!???? And suddenly I am furious, and crying, and furious and crying more. JEEPERS H. CREEPERS (in deference to the christians among us) what can I do to get over this guy? I'm in therapy, I'm taking my meds like a good little girl, I'm exercising, I've improved my diet, I'm going to school. I don't sleep all day. I do what I have to do. Is this it? Is this as good as it's ever gonna get? Crap. Just CRAP!

Thanks for listening.

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. Time, crim son, time...

Allow yourself that time, okay? I'm so very sorry. I wish I could take your pain away. :hug:

[crim son]

2. It's been six months.

And most of the time it feels like it was yesterday that he left me. But thank you for your hug. I needed that.

[1gobluedem]

3. Time is the great healer

Even though it doesn't seem that way now, things will get better. The man I thought was the love of my life broke up with me irrevocably about fifteen years ago and I was sure it was the end of the world. Our relationship had been on and off again for six years. I knew nothing good would ever happen to me again because he was the only one for me. I cried every day for almost a year.

Then one day about a year after I was dumped, I met my soul mate in a case of mistaken identity. I never thought it would happen but it did.

Please, please don't give up. Things will get better.

Edited for a hug: :hug:

[crim son]

7. I guess I'm half way through that year then.

It is hard to understand what I'm supposed to learn from this experience. But if you survived, so will I. Thank you. I'm glad you found your soul mate. I think that's who I've lost.

[1monster]

46. One day, some fantastic guy will flirt with you and let you know that

he's really interested. It might end up being a short and sweet fling (you are probably going to be cautious and wary; he will probably very sought after, too, by other women), but you will know that you are attractive to other really cool men.

And you will learn that you CAN breathe without the lost love and life is good again. And you will be happy with yourself by yourself.

Then one day, when you least expect it, you will find another love. You won't give yourself heart, mind, body, and soul to him. Instead, you will share your heart, mind, body, and soul with him, and he will do the same for you. And it will be a better relationship than the one that has been broken off.

What you will learn from this experience is to love yourself enough to never let any man treat you with less than complete respect and who will appreciate you for who you are.

And that is a lesson well worth what you are going through now...

[NewWaveChick1981]

4. You're still grieving, sweetie.

:hug: :pals: It takes a long time to get over what happened. It's not the same thing, but when I broke up with my first love, who I was involved with for almost five years, it was very difficult for me and took me a long, long time to get over him. I moved on with my life, but that didn't mean it didn't still hurt.

I know it's been six months, but it'll take some more time. You'll know when you're ready. :) In the meantime, vent to us---all of us have been in the same or similar situations. :hug:

[crim son]

9. I don't want this any more.

This isn't my first man, this isn't my first love. This was something completely different and completely doomed. I think I grieve for the man, but also because I had "it" and now it's gone. Oh I know... there will be somebody else. I know. I just don't care.

And I do vent. You KNOW I do! Thank god for all of you. I swear I feel better after venting here than I do after therapy.

[ThomCat]

5. Grief is important.

If you let yourself cry now until you're done then you won't have pent-up issues later.It's healthy to think about it, feel bad about it, and deal with it now.

:hug: I hope it all starts to feel better soon.

[crim son]

8. Thom, I cry every day. Every fucking day.

It can be mighty inconvenient, like today, for example :(

[ThomCat]

10. It has to get better.

At the very least, the impact of loss and change fades with time. I know that isn't necessarily consoling, but once the impact fades enough you'll be able to build new things in your life.

In the meantime, there are people here who can relate and understand. We can help you hang on.

[crim son]

12. And here come the tears again!

You have helped me.

I'm going to go to bed now. If nothing else, sleep will help pass a few hours. :hug:

[idgiehkt]

6. It sounds like you are being too hard on yourself.

I once heard that pain is like when you throw a stone in the water and you watch the ripples spread out and they get further and further apart the further they are from the point of origin but they are still there, just with decreasing frequency as time goes on.

Some times I think I will never be over my ex, and it's been over five years with her. I think it's taken so long partly because I took time off from relationships in general for a long time, trying to get my head straight. It's just better to remember it's one of the ripples in the water when the pain comes and just don't fight it but know that it will pass...you just kind of have to breathe through it. Beating yourself up over having pain about something in addition to feeling the pain you are already having seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me, though.

[crim son]

11. That souds wise,

but I can't help but hate myself for this weakness. If he can move on, then I should be able to do the same.

My mother always told me that no man would ever be interested in a weak woman. There's probably a connection. Ya think? It's hurting my kids too. Another issue. I need to make it go away.

[idgiehkt]

15. it's not weak to feel pain

people who don't feel this kind of stuff are called sociopaths. It's part of being human. Thank God you are able to feel it and don't stuff it down and then flip out and beat your kids...repressed emotion almost always comes out inappropriately. What you are doing is the more mature, adult thing to do, and it's the harder thing to do, too. It's easier just to stuff it down or medicate it.

It's so funny what you said about what your Mom has told you about weak women because I was raised in the south and given the impression that men aren't interested in anything but weakness and fragility in women (which may be some of the reason I wrote them off, since acting weak is just boring to me). Strange we got opposing ends of the broad brush...I think men are complex and unpredictable and have their own personal preferences just like women do. It's probably best not to grieve in front of the kids but sometimes you can't help it. Of course you are modeling an appropriate reaction to loss, so that's good. My mother just numbed out and completely shut down when bad things happened, she had no emotional response whatsoever and that is crazy-making for a kid to witness. I think you are just being way too hard on yourself.

[RebelOne]

13. Been there, done that. Believe me, it takes time.

It took me a few years to finally recover from a breakup.

[wovenpaint]

14. My advice-Read this thread

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=245x22589

Then go to Google video and watch it....I hope you feel better
:hi:

[crim son]

28. I'll do that. It looks interesting (based on the thread).

Thank you.

[IdaBriggs]

16. My mother told me, "the best cure for an old love is a new love."

When I had a particularly bad break-up with a loser of a boyfriend who I was convinced was the "be-all and end-all of the world," I cried for a month plus, and lost fifteen pounds. I couldn't even remember how to laugh or smile; it seemed as if all joy had been sucked out of my world.

I hung out with friends to distract myself from the pain, and this one guy became "my best friend." Of course, there was no chance of a relationship, because he was "best friends" with my ex, and, as I haughtily told someone else, "what kind of woman do you think I am that I would date my ex-boyfriend's best friend?", but he was a good guy, and he listened to me cry, and had an off beat sense of humor. I remember the first time I realized it was okay to be happy again -- that I wasn't "betraying my grief" if I wasn't miserable every moment -- and it involved a snowball fight with this guy (when he wasn't expecting it, and a lucky shot that I would never be able to duplicate again if I tried).

He ended up being a rebound romance, and then he ended up being a real romance, and he's now been my husband/best friend for ten years.

As for "loser ex-boyfriend," well, he's a good guy, and we made peace; he stood up in our wedding, and my husband was his best man at his. His wife is a sweetheart, and I sing praises to the Almighty on a regular basis that she's got him and his "can't hold a job to save his life" issues instead of me -- I'd have strangled him the third or fourth year where he spent nine months in a row unemployed.

My advice: find something that brings you joy, and then DO IT. As long as he has custody of your laughter, you aren't going to heal. Frankly, he doesn't want it, so take it back -- you deserve it! :)

Best, Ida

[crim son]

26. I lost eighteen pounds!

But I'm back to normal now. You are right about his not wanting what I wished to be his but that of course is what's hard. I need to find something that makes me happy & that isn't ice cream. A good story, yours. Thank you for sharing it.

[Haole Girl]

17. Hang in there!

I felt like you did, especially around the time I was 26 years old. It is a time when you are drifting away from college friends, but haven't yet found the next set..and possibly even your soul-mate and best friend ever (like I did)! Hold on...things do get better! Keep your chin up, ok? Enough cliches for one day. Here's another hug...:hug:

[mdmc]

18. this, too, will fade, my friend

I'm still gettin over something that happened 6 years ago (I lost the love of my life), and it still hurts. Deal with it, and, it too shall pass.

It has taken me some time cause I got high instead of dealing with it. I should have dealt with the pain straight on.

ps- wear your seat belt.

pss- peace and low stress. give care, take care.

[crim son]

35. I'm sorry.

Six years is a long time. I can't imagine living like this for that long. Guess that's why we aren't given the ability to look into the future. Many of us would opt out. :hug:

P.S. seat belt always on. I've already had one accident (my first) since the breakup.

[mdmc]

51. well, just hang in there

time alone, time will tell...

[Rabrrrrrr]

19. I don't get it.

You broke up, but he still gets to control your life? I think you're better than that.

[crim son]

27. That is exactly why I'm angry.

He is gone and I'm alternately clinging to and spitting mad at a memory. It makes me a fool. Who knew? Ha.

[cobalt1999]

20. You know what....

It sounds like you are already well on the road to recovery, even if you don't feel like it yet.

At first it is a grief reaction only, then it turns to anger and shame at the grief, later the grief gives way to the anger/shame, then you're done! The first stage is the hardest and it sounds like you are entering second step already. That's progress, good for you.

What are you supposed to learn from this? Well, lots actually. One day one of your children will go through this too (everyone does eventually). You'll be able to relate for one thing and help them, (2) you'll realize you CAN get over something like this and that is very empowering, and (3) you'll realize that being in love is still worth the potential pain - okay, you are not here there yet...but you will be. :)

One additional thing...stop sticking this guy on a pedestal. "Should I just give up on ever being happy again? Should I resign myself to being alone? Was this "man" the love of my life and it's over and THAT'S IT!???". He wasn't that special. He wasn't you "one and only" or "soul mate". It's that kind of thinking that makes people do dumb things (we've all been there too).

Stay furious girl. You'll be fine.

[crim son]

29. You're right.

If he was my soulmate then I wouldn't be crying over being dumped now, would I? My husband (yes, this is very complicated... I live in bizarro world) comforts me with that one and tells me not to give up.

[crim son]

21. To everybody who replied:

Many, many thanks. All your perspectives and advice make a difference. I slept and feel better. Huge hugs to you :pals:

[WCGreen]

22. Ah Chickie poo.....

It will get better...

You are going through the stages of grief.....

Let it happen....

And then, one day you will wake up and it will all be over...

Hint....

Don't dwell so much on "is this it?"...

That can only lead to, for lack of a better term, stinkin' thinkin'....

Never wrap your identity up with someone else's...

You are who you are regardless of who is sleeping next to you....

[crim son]

30. Tireless supporter.

Thanks Chris. It's the stinkin' thinkin' that has me down again. I'll try harder. :hug:

[progmom]

34. very well said, WCG

especially this:

Never wrap your identity up with someone else's...

You are who you are regardless of who is sleeping next to you....

:loveya: very well said.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

40. This is soooooooo right on.......

You have put your finger right on the central issue!

Especially those last two lines.........:hug:

[MichiganVote]

23. Aren't you just pissed off it didn't work out?

[crim son]

31. The extenuating circumstances...

they make it very hard to establish in my mind how I should view the relationship. Besides "over," that is. I'm not angry in that way though. Wish I could be.

[MichiganVote]

43. I think everyone feels some anger when they lose something

or someone important to them no matter what the circmstances are. There's no law you can't be angry. Be angry! Something about the whole thing is/was unfair. Find it and protest it. Maybe its just that you can't figure out how to view the relationship. That's got to be hugely frustrating!

[Deja Q]

24. You sound like me.

:hug:

Keep doing what you are.

And, BTW, he doesn't sound like a guy who's right for you.

[crim son]

32. Well, he's somebody else's guy!

Definitely not mine any more.

[wovenpaint]

48. Please see post 14 n/t

[u4ic]

25. You're doing good, sweetie

If you couldn't cry at all, were just numb...that would be concerning (though it's entirely normal to go through phases of it).

You're feeling rejected, hurt, sad, angry, unloved - quite possibly having an identity crisis...(who are you now that you're not so-and-so's wife?) Your whole world has been turned upside down, destabilized. That's a lot to deal with.

Grieving is a personal experience. It can take a bit of time, it can take a long time. You can think you're over it, and then BAM! (apologies to Emeril), it hits you again.

Just know you're on the road to healing. Take care, and lots of :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: to you.

[crim son]

36. You make me feel much better.

That's what it is... have a good day, or maybe two, and I get to thinking I'm on my way back to the sun. BAM! Ah well.

[Jamastiene]

33. Now, now.

:hug:

I assure you it will get easier in time. I am so sad to hear that you are hurting and feel all alone. I have felt that way most of my life. I can really sympathize with you. It does get easier though. You just have to muddle through it and try to heal. You just want to throw things and scream part of the time because it hurts so bad. And at other times you will feel so sad that the tears will not stop flowing. What has worked for me is to just keep trudging along and try to take up something new and different (a new hobby or activity) that will not trigger memories and painful emotions. I am sure it will not work for everyone, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to suggest it.

I really wish I was near you so I could try to comfort you or keep you busy in some way through my clownish antics(laughing is possible you know?) I really think you would enjoy watching a person like me who seems to make people laugh by just being my normal absent minded self. I really am one of those people who will stop and smell some roses and will see something new to me and make some silly comment. Today, I was in a building at the college that I am not familiar with. A classmate and I were leaving after class and I noticed a door I had never seen before. My mind immediately went blank and started wondering. I stopped and said, "Wow, that looks like a way out." He laughed and said, "Uh, yeah, it's a door. People use them that way." I could have slapped my forehead. Without even thinking, I had made an incredibly silly funny. I guess the experience of it being funny gets lost somewhat in the translation, but if you knew me, you'd know that is just one more strange way I look at the world. Guaranteed laughs every day with me.

Unfortunately, I am out here in the middle of nowhereland and cannot try to cheer you up. I hope my cheesy advice works if you decide to try it. Otherwise, all I can offer is a virtual :hug:.

[crim son]

37. Of course your advice and your story help!

And I wish you were closer, too. I live in NOWHERE, Maine. All my family but one sister is on the west coast and generally speaking, I am a loner. Honestly that is why this has shaken me so much. I am tough as steel and well used to handling my own griefs and disappointments. That I can't handle losing this man... it has me stunned. :hug: back to you. You remind me of my youngest sister, the way you write.

[Jamastiene]

38. Thank you.

I tend to type tons of words to get what I am saying out. I tend to be a loner too. I think part of me subconciously wishes for companionship, but cannot handle the loss. I'm speaking in my case only here. My last disappointment really threw me. It brought back a lot of teenage angst and fear of being alone forever.

When I took that art class this summer, I regained some of my sense of creativity. It was nice to get reaquainted with art and music this past summer. I had ignored my creative side for quite some time and it felt good to just be me again. It did me a lot of good.

Btw, I live in Nowhere, NC. I understand just how messed up it can be out in the middle of nowhere. We have less choices and fewer opportunities at meeting tons of great people so we tend to get more attached to the ones we do meet. Or at least I do. I tend to take breakups pretty hard in general.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

39. My dear crim son.......

LOTS of good advice here.......

I have nothing to add.........

All I have is........:loveya: :hug: :loveya:

Know that you have my support...always!

[sendero]

41. How long has it been?

Goodness, the grieving process takes time, but time heals all wounds. You can't control your feelings and better to feel them now, that's how you get rid of them - by feeling them. :)

[Guava Jelly]

42. sweetie this is what they call a hard day!!

You will get through this!
you are stronger then you give yourself credit.
We all have bad days. Heck I was in tears one day last week over nothing!
Just try to get through this.
And if you ever need a friend feel free to pm me!
:hug:

[dorktv]

44. Welcome to the club, would you like the official "Still hung up on the

guy" tee shirt?

I am still tangled with my guy and he is my best friend who expects me to set him up with someone.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

45. I've never loved, never lost, but they say time is the element.

Take all that I say with a pinch of salt, though. ;)

A :hug: regardless, fellow Mainer.

:loveya:

[radwriter0555]

47. You need something to look forward to. Something to occupy your mind..

a project, a trip, something fun and adventurous.

A trip is great because you have to PLAN it! It takes time, you can research, look things up, plan your itinerary and so on.

A project, something around the house that makes you feel better, makes it pretty, changes something, is also really good, because you can plan it as well and it diverts the mind.

Find something fun to look forward to and replace the sad feelings with nice, happy, positive feelings. When you find yourself dwelling again on the negative, find a happy thought to literally replace the negative thought with. You have the will and ability to replace thoughts that are going on in your head. You must create a happy thought pattern so you're not overwhelmed with the negative. It's a conscious effort, it takes practice and time. You have to deny the negative thoughts the 'brain time', refuse to let them take over your thought space.

Replace them with a nice thought, visualize a field of flowers, a cool mountain stream, a windy day on a fast sail boat, some thought that brings you joy....

It's a good, effective exercise. You can re-train your brain to focus on happy thoughts to replace the negative thoughts.

Big hugs.....

[Tyler Durden]

49. I'd offer you dinner and the symphony, but I'm taken...

...and she's definitely the smiley jealous type.

[BlueIris]

50. As perverse as this sounds, this will just have to run its course I think.

Your grieving period for the death of the relationship will last as long as it will last. That is the nature of grief. You can't fit it into a specific period of time, or set a date on your calendar by which point it must be "done." And if you try to rush it, it's just going to make things worse.

At least you cut the potential for developing depression in the wake of your loss off at the pass. As someone who...didn't...twice...I can offer LOTS of validation for that. There's nothing worse than knowing that the end of a relationship fucked up both your life AND your health.