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The Merits of Lying
Have you ever watched an ABC After School Special or installment of Beverly Hills 90210 that focuses on a compulsive liar who finally hits rock bottom? Friends are lost. Reputations shattered. Lives ruined. I love those episodes. Maybe I’m a sadist but that moment when the unsuspecting subject is finally confronted and their world of illusion and deceit comes crashing down around them….that’s my favorite part. I like watching people squirm.
My sole complaint about said shows is they really don’t understand the nature of lying. They spoon-feed us our lesson on dishonesty with the words of a weepy 17 year-old uttered just before she’s carted off by men in white coats: “Lies just sound better than the truth!” I like that phrase. I wonder if that’d fit on my headstone. Problem is, that’s only half the point. What they don’t tell you is that lying is fun.
Now, mind you, I don’t really lie about important things (except when the police are involved). Most of my lies are aimed at foisting an alternate reality onto the listener. I enjoy telling people I’m 7 inches tall, or than I’m made entirely of clay. Why, just this morning, I confessed to a fellow Myspacer that I’m actually a robot raised by humans and programmed to feel authentic human emotions. I explained my real name is “X235-56e” and my life’s ambition is to be accepted by humankind as one of its own. Think she believed me? I doubt it, but it was fun at the time.
Some people claim lying is wrong. These people are wrong. And stupid. And probably gullible. Maybe it’s unfair to people like my friends and grandparents, but if I stopped lying, it’d be unfair to me. See, as a songwriter, I view lying as an exercise that flexes my creative muscles, challenging my brain to pursue its fancy to illogical extremes. Keeps me sharp. You wouldn’t deprive me of that, would you? Thanks, Grandma.
Here’s the central tenet of lying, the one thing all aspiring liars need to know: Don’t Get Caught! I speak from personal experience when I say there is nothing more humiliating than getting caught in a lie, especially in court. Below are some options should your friends or family get wise and decide to confront you in an intervention, for instance.
1) Run Away: I’m in good shape, so this works for me. I recommend New Balance sneakers or perhaps a sturdy pair of hiking boots, depending on your terrain. Bring plenty of money and water with you. You may be on the lam for a while and you want to be prepared. This tactic works best for gypsies or hunter/gatherers following a herd of caribou.
2) Stick to Your Guns: Nothing is more compelling than an actor lost in a role who has conceived a character so richly textured you feel like you’ve borne witness to the creation of life. This is your goal. Never break character and never back down if your lies are called into question. Hint: Turn on the water works and let the tears do the talking. Worst case scenario, your audience will think you’re delusional.
3) Prior Admission: Yes, you can admit prior to commencing a “yarn” that you’re about to utter a falsehood. This method, while highly effective, is also highly unfun and not recommended by this writer. Apply this preemptive tactic and you might never glimpse that look of shock, like when you tell a ranking PETA member you recently dined on braised giraffe shanks, served hot at the Smyrna Family Festival. It’s a priceless moment of supreme social discomfort and is not to be missed.
Employ these and other tactics and you’ll quickly see lying is not only easy but also perfectly manageable.
So, where is this all going? Glad you asked. Songwriting is a lot like lying. Some people call it “creative license.” I call it lying, especially since my songs are semi-autobiographical. Sure, I’ve had some melodramatic moments in my time. I’ve made a few late-night, tearful phone calls to uncaring women who wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings of love or my affinity for Magic: the Gathering. I’ve pounded on a few doors, compiled some vitriolic mix tapes, defamed a few worthy victims by spray painting libelous claims about their sexual indiscretions on the doors of their places of employment. On the other hand, the drama I create in my own life seldom fits neatly into a 3-minute ditty and oftentimes makes me look a little maladjusted. Hence I lie. I cast myself as the hapless romantic and my foil as the unfeeling ice queen. This fits more snuggly into the common themes of our genre, and—I know I’m beating a dead horse with this, but--it’s more fun. Play your cards right, and you might even convince a few guileless women that you’re a broken man who just needs to be held….if only for one night. Possibilities abound, but not if you stick to the truth.
Another common distortion found in songwriting is over-the-top machismo and swagger exhibited by rock writers and performers. Just like the man with oversized tires on his already enormous pickup truck, or the 60-something, balding ‘dude’ with a ponytail, any man clad in a skin-tight shirt and leather pants (who is not a burlesque performer) is obviously trying to distract us from one or more shortcomings.
Remember those hopeless social outcasts from high school parading on the football field during halftime? Remember the 18-inch tall fur hats and uniforms fabricated from industrial purpose wool? Now picture Bono in one of those suits. Nice, cozy fit, huh? Know why? Because Bono was the drum major for East Dublin High. Can I prove this? No. Is it true? For the sake of this essay, let’s say it is. My point is merely that guys in bands hardly live up to the alpha male personas we portray in our songs. My finest moment on the gridiron came when I made my debut on first trombone. Moreover, if I lived the rockstar life I sing about, do you think I’d have time to write this drivel? Do you think I’d have time to triple check for subject/verb agreement? Doubtful. I’d be too busy sexually harassing the 20-something blonde I would likely pay to ghostwrite this essay for me. In other words, my songs are lies with a backbeat, and for the sake of my sanity and my sex life, I intend to perpetuate the illusion for as long as possible.
Okay, let’s recap. The pros of lying:
1) You’ll hear people say “It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.” Bollocks. Lying is fun before AND after someone gets hurt, but only if that someone is not you.
2) It challenges the creative mind…and the conscience. It’s like multi-tasking.
3) It’s easy and manageable, especially if you can survive in the wild.
4) If you’re a songwriter, you’re probably a reclusive grump and lying might be your only means of writing something remotely interesting.
The cons of lying:
1) Boring!
Seriously, if you want to know the cons of lying, I recommend renting “A Time for Truth: An ABC Family Moment Movie” or Episode 6, Season 2 of Beverly Hills 90210 “A Way with Words.”
That about wraps up today’s lesson, kids. I hope this wisdom reveals to you a new world rife with opportunities for the fast talker who carefully treads the line between truth and fiction. Take my advice and I promise you’ll see your realm of influence expand and your quality of life improve. Really. Honest.
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