A letter I sent my mother (DIVORCE?)

[helderheid]

http://vrijheid.livejournal.com/


I know I sound strong to you, but I am so very sad right now. I feel really alone. I know, I know, GO TO UNITY. I will, I promise. In fact, I will contact them tomorrow even if nothing is planned.

I know you said quit drinking and I know I will but not right now. Not quite yet. Believe me though mom, I am emotionally at the point of no return. I can't live this way any longer and I won't. I have a life I want to live and kids I truly want to raise. I love M - I really do - but I need to love me more and I think I'm getting there. I owe it not only to myself but my kids. Besides, how happy can M be married to someone who has thought so little of herself for so long? If this marriage has any chance, it will only be due to me getting my act together and living again. I know what you're thinking but let me make myself clear - I only have a chance if I get my life together and start living again. I know that. I know that comes before anything else.

I remember when we first got together I said that we agreed on almost everything and thank God because he is such a bastard when we don't. I've always been comfortable stuffing and shouldering emotional burdens, but everyone has a breaking point.

Please have faith in me mom. Your advice is spot on even if things work out for Mars and I - just give me enough time to digest it all - I am walking in the right direction now.

You know I realized tonight how few friends I have. Thanks for being one.

[wildhorses]

1. ..........

:hug:

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

2. Good luck with everything.

Thank care of yourself and your kids.

:pals::hug:

[helderheid]

3. thanks

[helderheid]

4. thanks for the help. I'm off to bed. Love ya

[helderheid]

5. ugh

Start of Maarten & Julia buffer: Sun Aug 20 22:15:08 2006
<21:56> Helderheid Geloof: you around?
<21:56> Maarten & Julia: Yes I am :)
<21:56> Helderheid Geloof: hey you :)
<21:56> Maarten & Julia: Hey how are ya doing?
<21:56> Helderheid Geloof: How are you two doing?
<21:57> Helderheid Geloof: jinx!
<21:57> Maarten & Julia: Not too bad actually :)
<21:57> Helderheid Geloof: that is wonderful to hear! You still in the same place?
<21:57> Maarten & Julia: Yep, for now. We are looking to buy, but the market is horrible in socal
<21:58> Maarten & Julia: And looking to change employment, been with same company for 4 years now
<21:58> Helderheid Geloof: Utah....
<21:58> Helderheid Geloof: :)
<21:59> Maarten & Julia: Nah, not my kind of state, I am way too libaral ;)
<21:59> Maarten & Julia: We're seriously considering Portland, Oregon though
<21:59> Helderheid Geloof: LMAO!!!
<21:59> Helderheid Geloof: http://vrijheid.livejournal.com/
<21:59> Helderheid Geloof: I'm afraid to talk about it
<22:00> Maarten & Julia: Looks nice, yer personal blog?
<22:00> Helderheid Geloof: yes. One I've not posted to for over a year
<22:01> Maarten & Julia: So... I read it, and it seems you and M are somewhat on a rocky path at the moment?
<22:02> Helderheid Geloof: I need to hit the hay but can I call you tomorrow?
<22:02> Maarten & Julia: Well, you can Julia, I will be at work :) Unless you are specifically looking for me.
<22:03> Helderheid Geloof: Maarten I was confused! :P
<22:03> Maarten & Julia: Heh thats ok ;)
<22:03> Helderheid Geloof: Damn you! :P
<22:04> Helderheid Geloof: Please tell Julia I will call her tomorrow
<22:04> Helderheid Geloof: I do need her
<22:04> Maarten & Julia: I haven't changed my ICQ number since 1997, its yer fault ;)
<22:04> Maarten & Julia: Ok I will
<22:04> Helderheid Geloof: heheehhheheh!
<22:04> Helderheid Geloof: Nite
<22:04> Maarten & Julia: She is here right now if you want to talk before you go to bed
<22:04> Helderheid Geloof: That would be great
<22:04> Maarten & Julia: Let me ask, hold on :)
<22:05> Maarten & Julia: Go and call here, she has the phone :)
<22:05> Maarten & Julia:
<22:05> Helderheid Geloof: I will just cry
<22:06> Maarten & Julia: You wanna chat with her?
<22:06> Helderheid Geloof: Please
<22:06> Helderheid Geloof: brb
<22:07> Helderheid Geloof: k
<22:07> Maarten & Julia: hey its julia
<22:07> Maarten & Julia: crying is ok too you know
<22:07> Helderheid Geloof: hey honey -
<22:07> Helderheid Geloof: I can't be weak in front of him
<22:07> Helderheid Geloof: I really can't
<22:08> Maarten & Julia: ok.... in a nutshell. whats happened
<22:10> Helderheid Geloof: In a nutshell... It's hard to say. I can say 6 years of tension blew up in a night. I critisized his reaction to how I marinated steaks. He threw the meat in my face. The same man that makes fun of my weight, cooking, judgement, etc.
<22:10> Helderheid Geloof: I really am thinking we rushed it. I don't know what else to say
<22:11> Maarten & Julia: how long have you been pretending things were ok?
<22:11> Helderheid Geloof: Since Luc was born
<22:12> Helderheid Geloof: God woman
<22:12> Helderheid Geloof: You know the questions to ask
<22:12> Maarten & Julia: does he have regrets of moving to the US claire
<22:12> Helderheid Geloof: no
<22:12> Maarten & Julia: regrets about having the kids?
<22:12> Helderheid Geloof: he loves it here. I've asked him to move back
<22:12> Helderheid Geloof: oh yea. I really think he regrets them
<22:13> Helderheid Geloof: Can we do this tomorrow?
<22:13> Maarten & Julia: yes absolutely i am home all day
<22:13> Helderheid Geloof: I am crying too much with him 10 feet away
<22:13> Maarten & Julia: please go take care of yourself
<22:13> Helderheid Geloof: Bless you my friend
<22:13> Maarten & Julia: hugs to you my little sister
<22:14> Helderheid Geloof: night
<22:14> Maarten & Julia: til tomorrow
End of Maarten & Julia buffer: Sun Aug 20 22:15:08 2006

[Haole Girl]

6. Hope things get better soon

Hug for you..:hug: