Is there something wrong with the word "died?"

[BurtWorm]

As in "My mother-in-law died last night"? Is there something gauche about that sentence? Some evidence the speaker is insensitive to his mother-in-law's memory?

I ask because my mother-in-law did die a couple of weeks ago, and I found that when I was telling this to people I know only as co-workers (superiors, actually) that I felt I was taking a risk using that word instead of the now nearly universal "passed," which has taken the place of "passed away." To me, passing is something you do with footballs or joints or gas. But somehow this pseudo-delicate word has become mandatory when speaking of someone who has died. Why? Why not just say "die?"

Any ideas?

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. I always died... i.e. "he died last year..." "She died of cancer..."

I've never used the word passed, maybe passed away...but it's "died" for me. I didn't know htere was something bad about it. :shrug:

[RedCloud]

65. Always died?

What's it like on the other side?

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

2. Yes.

It should read "my mother-in-law got dead last night."

[eyesroll]

3. I don't mind pass away when it's:

"Betty passed away peacefully in her sleep last night at the age of 96."

But when it's:

"Betty passed away in a violent fiery car wreck last night," it's a bit incongruous.

[BurtWorm]

8. "An SUV joined my dog to the choir invisible last night."

That really doesn't have the right ring to it, either.

[Ariana Celeste]

4. I don't know what the deal is with that

I generally say "passed away" if I'm talking to someone I don't know, but with people I talk to on a regular basis I say "died". I think people just feel saying someone "died" is harsh for some reason, they need it sugarcoated. Maybe I'm wrong.

It surely doesn't offend me to hear it, doesn't bother me at all. But then there has been a lot of death in my family, so. Meh.

:shrug:

[Richardo]

5. Already the funniest thread of the day...

:rofl: @ eyesroll and bornaginhooligan

[billyskank]

6. I think it's insensitive. I prefer to say

"kicked the bucket."

:P

[KFC]

9. "Croaked" always worked for me

[BurtWorm]

10. Is there a danger people will start saying, "My grandpa kicked Monday"?

:scared:

[KFC]

17. "Dirt Nap" is also pretty respectful

[pagerbear]

7. Americans are very squeamish with language

We also don't like to say toilet. We say restroom instead.

People seem to think that they are softening the impact of the statement, but often by trying to avoid a word they think is painful or offensive, they've made the statement even more awkward.

[pitohui]

18. no, americans are very casual, blunt, and vulgar

harsh language seems to be pretty much mandatory on almost every occasion

"we say restroom" please, don't make me laugh! i hear middle-aged guys who should know better say things like, "excuse me while i take a leak," like i really need that visual

plenty of people are only too happy to say, "well, your ma croaked this morning," christ, if the minority that wants to be a little respectful is awkward, no wonder, they have no examples of respect and kind language to follow

[ForrestGump]

26. Americans tend to be ever more profane these days, yes, but Down Under

has all y'all beat, inheriting British terms for the noble throne (many American, too) and activities thus related as well as home-grown colloquialisms from the colloquialism-rich environs of both Australia and New Zealand. This is where the English language goes when it wants to get crude.

Well, time to go point Percy at the porcelain...

[pagerbear]

31. Maybe you and I don't know the same Americans

And how does "take a leak" lend itself to a visual any more than any other such phrase?

[Gormy Cuss]

45. Surely you jest.

(I know, don't call you Shirley.)

Announcing one is going to 'take a leak' or a dump for that matter is far too much information. We really don't need to know which bodily function was calling you to the toilet. I wonder what the reaction would be if women routinely announced when they were going to change tampons.

[pitohui]

55. are you a home owner? have you worked on plumbing?

trust me, "take a leak" has a visual it didn't have when i was a young carefree renter

[AirmensMom]

19. We do not!

We say potty. :P

[ForrestGump]

22. When I first came to the US I wondered why y'all called it

"going to the bathroom" even when there was no bath in the room. And I just hoped that, when the bath was in the room, it was the toilet they were using for osmoregulatory purposes.

And then I had the odd experience of being somewhere like the mountains of northern Arizona, with no 'restroom' (ooo...time for a rest!) within miles of us, and having someone say that they had to go to the bathroom behind yonder pine. There's a bathroom back there? Wow, you yanquis have really got your stuff togetehr when it comes to doing the outdoors in style.

I hope I never go to the bathroom in my pants, because they're not big enough to really house a bath, let alone a room.

And then, in the bottom of the Grand Canyon, I actually heard a ranger say 'comfort station.' What...the..hellllll?

[ScreamingMeemie]

"Acky Shack"

That's what we here call them. ;)

[hvn_nbr_2]

47. "Beyond yonder pine"

That would be the "green latrine" in my phrasebook.

Just don't get confused and think that "comfort ladies" work in the "comfort station."

[GoneOffShore]

51. When I lived in the UK

the expression was, " I have to go spend a penny". The reference being to the cost of going to a pay toilet.

I refuse to say "passed" or "passed on" - it's DIED dammit! One doesn't "pass" one "DIES" - ceases to be, kicks, gacks, croaks, stops living. "Passing" implies an afterlife.

When someone asked me when my father passed, I would always ask, "Passed what? A kidney stone? Gas? An eighteen wheeler?"

It usually shut them up.

[pitohui]

56. wow dude you go hiking w. a different crowd

the most "nicest" i heard it phrased -- and usually by me, the mean vulgar older gal of DU -- was "got to water a tree"

it only went down from there

i have only seen "comfort station" in writing

will admit as a birdwatcher MOST people i travel with are boomers or OLDER, so they are a generation where it is a point of pride to use bad language

maybe you younger kids think the bad language is just the ghetto and the teevee, i dunno, but people over 40 are fairly vulgar and have been for all my lifetime anyways, they think it shows their solidarity w. the working folk or somethin?

[CBHagman]

62. And then there's "commode."

I wasn't until I moved back to South Carolina that I encountered a particular bit of delicacy, and that was the use of the word "commode" for "toilet."

That is not to say everyone in South Carolina is gentle. I got the worst cussing-out of my life in Columbia, South Carolina.

[pitohui]

11. after a certain age you don't want to hear it any more

my friends started dying when i was a teen-ager and it has only accelerated, i've noticed maybe especially post-katrina when i've lost a number of people in just this one year that i just don't need to hear the word "die" any more, unless maybe it's "the neighbor's cat died" or "the damn motor died"

i'm tired of hearing about people who died, i've been hearing an awful lot of it over the past few years and i'm still in my forties

i used to be as baffled as you are but i am baffled no longer

how many times do you have to be in hit in the head w. the hurtfulness of how short life is before you need some softening


at least be respectful of older people's feelings and try to soften it a bit

[BurtWorm]

32. I'm also in my forties, and the deaths around me are accelerating.

But I still don't understand why "die" is more hurtful than "pass." I hear "passed" as trying to pretend nothing happened.

[pitohui]

57. it is trying not to create an echo

it is not trying to pretend it didn't happen, it is trying to stop an echo that not only brings the particular death immediately to mind but brings many other deaths immediately to mind

i do not know how to explain this, i only know it intuitively and only very recently -- as i said above, as a high functioning autistic, hence VERY literal, i always used "died" until recently, i honestly did not grok why it was hurtful but finally i am now figuring out that for some people in some circumstances there is an "echo" from previous deaths

don't shout, don't create the echo -- you can't staunch the pain from this death, you are trying not to resurrect past sorrows on top of

some sensitive person, come bail me out here, a HFC should not be flailing around to explain this! i am only just now getting a faint idea of why it is helpful to use euphemism in some cases, so i'm pretty shitty at explaining it!

[raccoon]

61. I'll try.

I'm at the age now when a lot of my relatives are dying or already dead.

Somehow the word "died" or "dead" seems so blunt, when talking about my closest relatives. Sometimes I'll say, deceased, or occasionally, gone.
(Making sure the person understands from the tone/context/expression, what I mean. And I usually use that only with people I'm very close to.)

I'm sure there are many who will disagree with me. So be it. Different strokes.

[BurtWorm]

63. Different strokes, exactly.

I just wish so many folks stroke wasn't "passed."

[NashVegas]

12. I've Begun to Use "Passed On"

There's nothing gauche about 'died.' Lately I've been swining towards the idea, not necessarily of a soul, but some sort of consciousness - even if only electromagnetic waves, I think it's likely that something lingers somewhere.

[Chan790]

13. Not in my opinion

but I'm insistent upon verbal-clarity. I'd probably ask someone who used the word "passed" in the context of someone who they were not close with if "You mean they died?".

A lot of people use "passed" IMO because they're not ready to accept the death yet. It's your mother-in-law, if you want to used "died" as opposed to "passed" it's up to you. If you're going to use it in front of your spouse though I'd ask their opinion as it's their mom and that means their opinion trumps yours.

I personally like "took the last sleep", I think it has an eloquence to it.

[ForrestGump]

14. The first time someone said "crossed over" to me, years ago,

I stopped myself a millisecond shoort of saying "where'd they go?"

Luckily, I realized -- just as my mouth was opening -- what they were talking about. :o

Not that softening the blow when it comes to talking about death is a bad thing, in itself, but euphemisms can sometimes get a little confusing.

[ScreamingMeemie]

20. That happened to me two years ago. My cousin called at 5 AM,

I answered the phone, he said,"Mom's 'gone'." My response,"Where did she go???" :blush: Mind you, none of us had any idea she was going to die. :( :hi:

[calico1]

15. I almost always say "died."

How does saying "passed" or "passed away" ease the grief for anyone? To me they are words designed to make it seem as if the dead person isn't quite as dead. Why pretend it isn't what it is?

[AirmensMom]

16. I use the word, "died".

As a matter of fact, when my dad died almost four years ago, I was pretty surprised to hear my sister tell everyone that he had "passed away". Even to me, she says, "When Dad passed away ..." I mean, this is someone who uses the "F" word in front of my Mom! :shrug: I dunno ... maybe "died" makes it sound worse. But dead is dead -- how can it be made better by using a different word?

Just so you all know -- when I die, I won't be offended if you say "died". :silly: :crazy:

[RevolutionaryActs]

21. I want to know how "passed away" or whatever form it comes in

became the thing to say anyway? It doesn't really make sense, passed what? Passed life? I don't know. I always say my dad died. Never passed away, actually I hate it if people say my dad "passed away". Just bugs the crap out of me, of course, if my dad was around it would bug him too.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

23. My dear BurtWorm........

I think people don't use the word "died" because basically we are a death-denying society.

That word makes people uncomfortable!

And whenever we have discomfort, we use substitutes......

Just my two cents.........:shrug:

[LostinVA]

25. Agree

[BurtWorm]

29. But it's just a tiny, one-syllable word.

It takes less time to say it than to say "paaaassssed."

I do know how euphemisms are supposed to work though. They supposedly step the speaker and listener clear of referring directly to the ugly situation by using a word that usually means something else (like "pass" for "die," or that is dressed up in academic clothing (like "micturate" for "piss"). But I can't help but think that the real effect of euphemisms is that they infantalize both the speaker and the listener. We know that the cowardly "pass" means "die" as soon as we hear it, but we pretend we're too delicate or innocent to say it or to inflict it on anyone else. And now "die" has actually acquired the taboo about it. Strange...

[LostinVA]

24. I agree -- just say die

[ForrestGump]

27. No, never say die

:D

I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...

[Rabrrrrrr]

28. Americans are afraid of death. I use "died", esp. in clinical situations.

Using euphamisms helps no one, such as "Passed on".

The one I particulary hate is "lost" - as in, "We lost grandpa last year". No, he's not lost - he's dead, you idiot. You know where he is.

[BurtWorm]

30. Actually, we have lost grandpa.

My mother doesn't remember where his ashes are buried. For real!

[Chan790]

34. Well...

My family had a similar situation. For 4 decades nobody could remember where great-grandma was buried. We were at my great-aunt's funeral last month, in the middle of the service my brother grabs my mom by the sleeve and conspiculously whispers "I found it" and starts pointing across the family graveyard, much to everybody's horror. Well, he'd found great-grandma...right next door where nobody had ever thought to look for her.

[zanne]

35. The last funeral I attended was my mother's.

I was the only one crying. Apparently, you not only have to say "passed away", you can't cry at a funeral, either. We're in deep denial about death in this country. When I see an Iraqi funeral on the news with women dressed in black with veils, people wailing and keening and throwing themselves on the coffin, I think "Now that's a funeral"!

[ForrestGump]

36. Well, yeah

"Transcended" probbaly doesn't go over too well in medical reports.

"Patient experenced his transition at 3:26 PM"

And I have to say that, rather than "pass on," I think I prefer "move on" -- it implies that there's something good out there that's worth a bit of a journey.

[BurtWorm]

37. How about "Show's over"

My mother-in-law's show was over, so she moved on.

[ForrestGump]

42. As long as there's some kind of room for the possibility of

an encore. :-)

[RevCheesehead]

54. The medical community hides from it, too....

saying "the patient EXPIRED at 10:32 pm"

Geez, why didn't anyone renew their subscription? :banghead:

[Haole Girl]

33. Not to make light of your question, but...really-- saying "passed"

reminds me of gas. I usually say died, even though I believe in an afterlife. But, people often accuse me of being blunt, too.

[arwalden]

38. I See Nothing Wrong With The Word "Died"...

... but do try to avoid using 'crossed over' (for obvious reasons.)

[BurtWorm]

39. Has that show crossed over?

:eyes:

[arwalden]

40. I Think So... Let Me Check...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0292776/

Yep! It DIED in 2004.

[RebelOne]

41. I have no problem with "died," but I would prefer

passed away because a good friend of mine just passed away a couple of days ago.

[u4ic]

52. Condolences to you, RebelOne

:hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

43. I have the same reaction -- 'passed' just sounds weird to me.

'Passed away' is fine, it's when someone uses only 'passed.' I use 'died' whenever I can but if I'm replying to someone who used a euphemism I try to use the same phrasing.

[BurtWorm]

Right. It's "passed" by itself that really grates on me.

It's like when weathermen started saying "precip" instead of "precipitation." Not only is "passed" a euphemism, but it's an abbreviated euphemism, as though the speaker didn't have time to say "away." Perfect for the age of IM-talk.

[BurtWorm]

44. .

.

[Merrick]

46. Refuse and resist euphemisms

"Died" was fine for awhile until someone decided the dark connotations of what the four little letters strung together made people a little too uncomfortable, so now they say "Passed"... that is, until the expression is around long enough to attract enough of a shadow around it that it starts making people nervous, at which point we'll probably start saying something like "became living impaired".

And besides, what if they died in a fashion that could in no way be accurately described as "passing away". I mean, it's one thing if someone dies in their sleep or succumbs to a long illness, but how can you say someone who was hit by a bus or slaughtered by a pack of wild dogs "Passed away"? Those people fucking died.

[ashling]

48. I remember a case from law school

which said that the victim was found on the sidewalk "in a dying condition."
:rofl:
This has always amused me.

[ChoralScholar]

49. It's our society's

propensity to use euphemistic language. George Carlin has made a career talking about it.

Here is a nice link to some of his ideas/examples:

http://www.iceboxman.com/carlin/pael.php#track15

[ElboRuum]

50. Death...

Possible reasons for euphemizing death:

1) People are superstitious. Mentioning the word death in any form is like invoking the Reaper.
2) People are afraid of death to the point where they don't want to believe it can happen (to them), so they'll do everything to avoid the word.
3) People equate indelicacy with disrespect and see 'die' as indelicate.
4) It's just become the traditional way to say this, and traditions pass away hard. ;)

[pitohui]

58. the most important reason

decent people don't want to hurt other people

something bad has happened, it is hard to talk abt it, don't be cruel and torture people by insisting they just spit it out, some people can't just spit it out

[BurtWorm]

60. If so, there must be a better evasion of fact than "passed."

You pass gas, footballs and peanuts.

Some people (like me, for instance), react just as badly to euphemizers, who can come across as hypocrites or cowards. Especially when a term like "passed" calls attention to itself. At least pick a term that doesn't shout "HEY, EVERYBODY!! I'M NOT SAYING DIED!!!!"

[u4ic]

53. I know lots of older people

who used the term 'passed away'...people who are well acquainted with death, when funeral homes were actually in the family home. :shrug:

I don't think it's fairly recent.

[BurtWorm]

59. It's not "passed away" that bugs me so much as "passed"

which I'll bet is a funeral director's word. It has "marketing" written all over it. ("Don't say 'passed away,' which might make your marks think you're reminding them that their loved one won't come back. Just say 'passed'and let them fill in the 'away' themselves.")

[anarch]

64. people taking that Black Sabbath record title too much to heart

I prefer "My mother in law...oh, you won't see her no more." or "My mother in law sleeps with the fishes." or "My mother in law bought the farm."

[NewWaveChick1981]

66. "Died" is such a stark and final word. I think there are a lot of

people who just find it painful. I have no problem with it, since it conveys reality. However, in the interest of being sensitive to others, I usually use the phrase "passed away" if I don't know the person I'm talking to. In my family, though, the word "died" is perfectly acceptable. For instance, my siblings and I always say, "Granny died in 1991." It's fine for anyone to use the word "died" around me without fear of offense.

[mulsh]

67. "died" is fine and accurate

I've had the unenviable task of informing people of a number of deaths, my mom, my little brother, a couple of good friends, and for a short time when I worked for the county coroner I had to make the calls. There's no good way of delivering bad news I stopped using euphemisms when I was making the coroner calls. It's a lousy task and beating around the bush can be a lot more cruel than coming right out and telling some one "so&so has died".