The things dad cooked:

[jane_pippin]

My dad invited me over for dinner the other day. (Aww, how nice of him. Thanks daddy.) Summer is his time to "shine" because he loves to grill things. Loves it. He'll grill things starting in March and he won't quit until Thanksgiving. If it's raining, he'll make my mom move the car out of the garage so he can continue to grill in there.

However, his love of grilling doesn't mean he's good at it. So, I was thinking about his love of grilling, and that led me to think of those depressing off-season months where he's denied the grill. That got me thinking to when I was a kid and it was his job to make us dinner.

Memories. So precious.

He has several "signature" dishes, but the best, most disturbing one was when he'd boil a kielbasa sausage, slice it up into little ovals, stick Mr. Salty pretzels in them, and then tell us to "Eat up, dammit! That's good eats!" The "best" part was when you'd hit the intersection of sausage and pretzel, because there'd be a little nub of nasty, soggy Mr. Salty embedded in the sausage. DE-lish! (Please note: the Mr. Salty kebabs were all we'd get. No side, no nothin.' Just those things, and a glass of milk--you know, to complement the meal.)

I know he's not the only dad to get creative with dinner, so spill it--what did your crazy dad subject you to?
(I know many dads are very good cooks. Hooray! But I want to hear some horror stories so if your dad is Wolfgang Puck or Rachel Ray, I don't want to hear it, you lucky bastard. I want to hear about the time your dad made you eat scrambled eggs that he failed to scramble--things like that.)

GO!

[lost-in-nj]

1. Not my Dad

he didn't cook. But my father in law used to cook for DH and family
and he would make macaroni and cheese then put ketchup on it and VOILA! you had
spaghetti!!




lost

[jane_pippin]

5. Bleh! I mean, of *course* that's spaghetti

:rofl:

And welcome to DU to you, too. :toast:

[Chan790]

2. My Father can't cook

*Chili Pie: Exactly what it sounds like. Hormel canned chili with beans dumped into a Keebler (thus, obviously sweetened) pie crust, topped with cheese and baked until either the pie crust or the cheese caught fire. This was actually the best of show of his repetoire.

*Porcupine Balls: These might have been more desirable if they were what they sounded like, scary as that thought may be. Ground pork balls coated in uncooked, dry beef rice-a-roni and then baked or grilled. One lacerated my larnyx once.

*Scorched Flour Gravy: This is an old southern recipe and he actually got it right...then he poured it over a Duncan Hines yellow cake and served it with bacon.

*Heart Attacks: bacon and cheddar wrapped in bologna, then fried.

*Bacon: pretty self explanatory...except that it was a food group to him. Usually served to his 7 and 5 year old sons with Miller Lite.

*Chocolate Omelet: Chocolate and eggs with American cheese and M&Ms.

He wonders why I'm a vegetarian/trying-to-be vegan.

[seemunkee]

8. You mean bacon isn't a food group?

[jane_pippin]

9. Oh dear god! Porcupine balls?!!

:rofl:

Those are hilarious! And the chili pie! On fire! Hahahaha! You poor thing.

I think my dad would see your dad as some kind of mystical, learned, guru! (Except he'd use Bud instead of Miller.)

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

21. My grandmother calls tuna casserole "Slops"

I swear my sister & I would have grown up liking tuna casserole had she referred to it as having "slops for dinner." Granted, this woman figured out hundreds of ways to torture us via our taste and olfactory senses. She was really into trying to feed the family assorted organs. She'd try to hide it, too. Tongue or tripe soup wasn't tongue or tripe soup. She'd call it beef soup...she just happened to use the fucked up parts of the cow for it. Guess what? There is no mistaking tongue, tripe, kidney, liver et cetera for standard cuts of beef.

Long before I gave up eating meat, I had given up veal. She tried to feed me veal once by telling me it was the baby cow kind of veal. It was a special kind of veal from the veal animal. I was a sophomore in HS when she did this. It didn't work, but to this day, it's a running joke with my HS friends about the majestic veal animal that comes out of the Canadian wilderness once but every 10 years.

[LeftyMom]

10. Oh geez, that sounds as bad as my Dad

That man never met a processed or canned meat he didn't like. Vienna sausages, spam, spicy canned sardines, fried bologna sandwiches, pimento loaf? He'd eat any and all of it.

The wierd thing is when he wasn't unleashing the food from hell on his kids, Dad worked as a professional chef for most of my childhood. He could make good food too, he just really likes heavily processed meats.

[dolo amber]

3. My dad *is* a very good cook, however there was this one time...

He got the recipe for "Chuck Wagon Stew"...from a Marlboro mailer. That right there tells ya you're in for some good eats. :D

Turns out we were out of chili powder, which it called for a pretty large helping of, so ol' dad in his wisdom substituted cayenne. And then fed it to his 12, 6 and 2 1/2 yr old daughters. I found it unbearable and I LOVED spicy food even at that age. The littler ones took one bite, started crying, coughing, gagging...snot and tears and spit everywhere. But you know how dads are...he just kept saying "Awww, c'mon, it's not that bad" as tears streamed down his own face. My mother wouldn't touch it. :D

[ScreamingMeemie]

7. Ha! The funny thing is we have the Marlboro Cookbook ( I kid you not)

We got it at a garage sale and there are some really awesome recipes in there. It's one of my favorites. :D


P.S. Go, dolo GOOOO!

[jane_pippin]

12. Step 4--Build up 3 inch ash on your Marlboro; Drop ash gently into stew;

Repeat.

I love dad problem-solving methods. "What--it's powder, it's spicy, hell, it's the exact same thing if you think about it...but...try not to think about it."

[ScreamingMeemie]

15. Or allspice....must have "all the spices" so....?

My dad did that once. :puke:

[ScreamingMeemie]

4. Not my dad, but MrG's... My dad was actually a great cook.

But MrG's dad was not only culinarily challenged, he was an alcoholic... which made for interesting meal times.

One time he got a deal on a barrel of pig's feet...yes pig's feet. They had pig's feet every night for weeks.

Another time, it was a bunch of perch that a friend had given him. Half breaded, half fried, eyes and heads still on.

And everything...EVERYTHING dumped in lard in the 12 inch cast iron pot that had been his Mama's. It's mine now and needed a good scrubbing when I got it. :)

My poor MrG. He laughs about it now. :) :hi:


And here's one on MrG. He once tried to make frozen fish filets for the kids while I was working. He saw it said 400 for 30 minutes and decided to crank up the oven to 500 for 15...voila! Quicker! Not... :rofl:

[jane_pippin]

14. Any story that starts "one time he got a deal on a barrel of pigs feet..."

is automatically great. Possible material for later therapy sessions, but still, great. Congrats to Mr. G for living through that delectable menu.

And, haha, Mr. G! :rofl: He meant well.

[seemunkee]

6. My dad was no cook either

Not even grilling. When I was little, in other words before I was allowed to use the stove, we would get boiled hot dogs and potato chips for dinner the nights my mom worked. That was it every time, twice a week. WE didn't get buns either, Wonder bread with the hot dog laid diagonally.

[jane_pippin]

16. Those are great because the wonder bread kind of sticks to the hot dog

and the rest of the wonder bread just kind of flops off to the side. And, if you get the luxury of ketchup, the wonder bread looks kind of like it has a bruise. That's what makes it a fun mealtime treat!

[hfojvt]

11. my dad used to make

"daddy specials" and we all loved them
Maybe it was just the clever marketing
When I stayed in the house alone, I discovered the secret.
A daddy special was simply leftovers.
You take some leftover casserole or spaghetti and leftover peas and corn and put them in one pan. It gives you a meal with vegetables and only one dirty pan. Not tough to make either - all you gotta do is warm it up and simmer it for a while.

[jane_pippin]

19. Aw, that's a nice dad story

Those dads are wiley marketers, aren't they?

[calico1]

13. My dad made stuff like

turkey or ham with all the trimmings, cornish game hens, perfect steak, ribs, marvelous potato salad or mashed potatoes, all kinds of rice dishes. LOL

Now my Mom, God rest her soul was a different story. She was never a lover of domestic things ESPECIALLY cooking. She would much prefer working a double shift than doing stuff in the house. If she was in the mood she could make something good..like when she was in the mood to make fried chicken she made the best. But when she was not in the mood which was most of the time and she cooked she would do stuff like forget to put salt in the rice or potato water, boil vegetables for about a half hour till they were mush or put either too much water in the rice or not enough so it would either be part raw or mushy as hell. And she had a knack for getting seasonings and spices all mixed up or just not knowing which one to use what for. So food would often be oddly seasoned. Two that she often mistook for each other were cinnamon and cumin! I can still remember the time she made the rice pudding with cumin sprinkled on it! :rofl: Fortunately for us my dad loved (and still loves) to cook so we usually had his cooking!

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

17. My mom recently achieved the impossible in cooking fuck-ups....

she FUCKED UP EASY MAC!!!!

Yep, for some reason, she decided to make the Easy Mac, instead of Kraft Dinner as a side. I guess because she figured it'd be easier or something. So anyway, the package says to microwave it for 3.5-4 minutes. She figured that if she was making four packets, then she had to nuke it for SIXTEEN MINUTES!!! The end result was macaroni that was so mushy, I could have drank it through a straw.

She also fucked up my veggie burger by completely encrusting it into season salt and then adding more salt to it. Why I don't know she did this, but I bit into it and it was like biting into a hunk of spicy salt.

[freethought]

18. Sounds like my Dad, except my father's tastes were a little different

My Dad liked to make clam chowder, and for the most part he was pretty good at it. He retired to Maine where it was not a big deal to get good softshell steamer clams.
Except for one day.
He was making up a batch of chowder and looking through the fridge he decided to get creative with whatever was in there. Mind you, the recipe for good New England Clam chowder has been perfected. I do not believe for a single nanosecond that it should be experimented with or improved upon. My father though otherwise. He grabbed a green bell pepper and chopped it up and put it in the chowder.

When it came time to eat, I sat down and looked at the serving in front of me. My eyes bugged out at the green spots in the chowder. Here's what the conversation sounded like.

ME:"What the hell are these green things in my chowder?"

Dad: "What? What are you talking about?"

Me: "There are green spots in my chowder!"
( I take a taste and something is definitely not right)
Me: "What did you put in this? This does not taste right!"

Dad:"I chopped up a sweet pepper and put it in there. Eat up! You can't tell the difference Stop being such a fuss pot!"

Me: "YOU PUT GREEN PEPPER IN CLAM CHOWDER!? THAT'S NEARLY BLASPHEMY! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?"
(Note: I have high standards when it comes to NE clam chowder)

Dad: "Oh, quit your griping!"

Aside from that incident, which I never let him forget, he would often drive me or my two sisters nuts trying to find certain types of ethnic foods that are becoming harder and harder to find these days.

[Fleshdancer]

20. My dad would only make meals that included ground hamburger meat

To this very day I rarely eat ground hamburger because of Dad. That and creamed corn from a can...actually 90% of my vegetable intake as a child came out of a can. Not good.

:scared:

[Jokerman]

22. Scrapple

Didn't know what it was then and I still don't know now, but it was nasty.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

25. This is what scrapple is...

Just be glad you didn't know at the time...

From wikipedia:

Scrapple is typically made of hog offal, such as the head, eyes, heart, liver, bladder, and other scraps, which are boiled with any bones attached (often the entire head), to make a broth. Once cooked, bones and fat are discarded, the meat is reserved, and (dry) cornmeal is boiled in the broth to make a mush. The meat, finely minced, is returned, and seasonings, typically sage, thyme, savory, and others, are added. The mush is cast into loaves, and allowed to cool thoroughly until gelled. The proportions and seasoning are very much a matter of the region and the cook's taste.
Commercial scrapple often contains these traditional ingredients, with a distinctive flavor to each brand, though homemade recipes often specify more genteel cuts of pork, with a consequently blander taste. A few manufacturers have introduced beef and turkey varieties.

[jane_pippin]

27. GAH! AH!

That's just not right. :scared:

[tigereye]

23. my brother is the king of the grill

mixes up his own rubs, and all that stuff. So if you need some tips? ;)

my dad likes fried tomatoes and day old fruit. His "strength" is more in the buying of whatever is on sale!

[momophile]

24. mac & cheese with Spam.

This was his favorite for us.

[azmouse]

26. Spaghetti soup.

I hadn't thought of this in years. Grosses me out now that I remember what it was like.

Dad would cook some hamburger in water, add spaghetti, frozen corn and ketchup.
It was cheap and easy for him to do and we were kids we just didn't know any better than to eat it. Of course, the only other option was to go hungry. LOL

[Jed Dilligan]

28. Chili, rice, salad for the first few years

He got better after that. Growing up half the time in an all-male household taught me to cook--a gift that just keeps on giving and giving.

Which reminds me--time to heat up last night's couscous with free-range chicken, organic crimini mushroom, organic yellow peppers, and rosemary. Yum!

[cobalt1999]

29. now that I'm a dad, here are my recipes

Ham and cheese volcanoes: In the middle of a plate take a big lump of shredded cheese, make a pile, wrap the pile tightly with ham (leaving a little opening at the top. Microwave until you get cheese "lava flows". Serve. Takes me all of 2 minutes and the kids think it's the coolest thing in the world.

Peanut butter and banana sandwich french toast. I let the kids make a peanut butter and banana sandwich, dunk it in french toast batter and into the skillet. They do most of the work and it takes me minutes to cook.

Rice a Roni stir fry. Make Rice a Roni, toss in any available leftover, stir, serve.

Yes, one day my girls will be posting to a thread like this.

[politicat]

30. Early MREs and leftover vietnam era C-rats.

In the late 80s. Some of those rats were 20 years old when we were eating them. I had a fabulous collection of p-38s as a kid.

Dad is scary in the kitchen. Let's just say that even the ham and beans and the five fingers of death (hot dogs in BBQ sauce... at least according to the package) were better than what he whipped up.