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well, yesterday, august 14, 2006, was without a doubt the single most painful day of my 42 years of life.
and let me tell you, i'm no stranger to pain. i get chronic intractable migraines. i was in a car accident that nearly killed me. i've had multiple surgeries to reconstruct my shoulder, nose, remove wisdom teeth and remove an impacted baby tooth. and i was unable to chew my food for over a year.
but yesterday,....
it began at the sleep-depriving hour of 4:15am (for an already sleep-deprived new father) in order to get ready for an early morning surgery. prep included giving myself my first enema. for those who are blissfully unaware, this involved lying down and sticking a tube up your butt and squeezing in a solution of water and various salts.
now, first off, anal stimulation and i do not get along well at all. way too many nerve endings down there. as mrs. unblock says, i could NEVER be a "power bottom".
second, as soon as a small amount is in, the bottle becomes impossible hard to squeeze. eventually, i figured out that i needed to remove it, open it up to let some air in the bottle, and re-insert and squeeze some more (being careful to ensure that i'm squeezing in liquid, not air. in the end (groan) i had to re-insert it 6 or 7 times. worse, within half a minute of the first squeeze, i started sweating profusely.
i decided that i do not like enemas.
so at 7:30 i am a go for surgery. the phlebotomist gives me the most painful stick i've ever had, and i'm no stranger to needles. usually they are nothing to me. must have been a newbie.
surgery is a hemorrhoidectomy. they put me out and slice up my rectum. i am minus three internal hemorrhoids, and hopefully, in the long-run, my quality of life will be much improved. but for now, they leave me with a pile of 4x4 gauze piecea taped to my butt, and some cigar-shaped packing IN my rectum.
i quickly discover that anytime someone jostles me or startles me, i have an uncontrollable reflex of clenching hard against this packing -- which is not altogether soft. this is indescribably painful. fentanyl helps, but wore off quickly -- before we could fill the scrip for percocet....
the ride home? you got it, new jersey's finest collections of potholes, bridge joints, railroad tracks, and spot road repairs. and or course, stop-and-go traffic, which delays getting to the pharmacy on top of startling me....
mrs. unblock leaves me along with my 11 week old boy and 3 year old dog to get the percocet and other post-op supplies. after enough of the clenching and lack of pain-killers and the most painful climb up a flight of stairs ever, my little boy wakes up and starts crying, still downstairs in his car seat. i can't move at this point. i could struggle downstairs and change him, but i know he's hungry and by the time i could get the bottled breast milk defrosted, mrs. unblock would be home. i can't move.
our basset hound, who's a very good big sister, starts whining, to make sure i'm aware of the baby's crying. i lose it, and start wailing. i'm in so much pain and can't help my boy. our dog has never seen me cry, and goes crazy, trying to lick my face and comfort me. eventually, i calm down and am able to make it downstairs and change the diaper. mrs. unblock gets home and feed him. i take a percocet and head for bed.
now, let me tell you about "falling" asleep. this expression originates because there is a distinct sensation of FALLING just as you nod off. you got it, this is accompanied, in my case, by a tight clench and after about a nanosecond of sleep, i bolt up awake with a start and a scream of pain. this happens 3 times before i realize that i am not going to get any sleep for now....
so natually, i get a migraine. you know you're having a really bad day if this barely register on the list of painful times of the day. i take my zomig and the migraine actually goes away in about an hour.
now comes going to the bathroom. i can't pee. it's like the door doesn't know how to open. i assume this is normal for a while as the anaesthesia wears off. apparently, it isn't. by mid evening, i still haven't been able to go, so i call the doctor on call, how says get thee to the e.r. stat.
and he says the two words that anyone, particularly, men, dread -- "foley catheter".
now, the e.r. is PACKED to overflowing. fortunately, the triage nurse realizes that it's probably not wise for me to wait 6 more hours for my catheter, so she shuts the blinds and does it right there in triage.
once again, for those blissfully unaware, a foley catheter is a tube (that feels like a needle about a mile long) up the urethra and up the wrong way through the one-way door out of the bladder. once again, the pain is indescribable, but suffice it to say that this was once an aztec form of torture. at least, if it wasn't, it should have been.
but wait, this isn't all the fun. the insertion takes about 20-25 seconds, during which i, once again, cannot resist the need to clench against my rectal packing. so i now have immense pain simultaneously at two of the highest concentrations of nearve endings on the body. worse, the squirming makes the catheter insertion more painful yet, and the cycle continues.... normally i'm extremely still and compliant during medical procedures, but i can't hack the double threat.
i pee out half a liter. i think i would have been in very great pain from the full bladder were it not for being in even greater pain from the rectal packing.
unfortunately, i'm not done at the e.r. the doc has to see me and give me my discharge instructions and a leg pouch for my foley. that's right, i have to keep the catheter in for at least a couple days. i'm on the "fast track" for this but it's still a 4 hour wait.
i'm in a wheel chair, but each doorway in the e.r. has a small threshold that means at least two bumps and clenches. now this triggers massive pain in my butt AND in my urethra.
eventually i am discharged and drive home more road repairs, although traffic is smooth in the wee hours of the a.m., and i have learned to life my butt off the seat if i see a bump in the road.
i get home and am, at long last, am ready to put this most painful day ever behind me. but my dog has other plans.
you got it, she greets me at the door with a very excited front paw smack on my naugthy bits.
YYEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
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