Mother in law advice

[malta blue]

Here is some background:

My husband is a caucasian man who hails from California. I am a Dominican woman, albeit, very white of complextion who hails from NYC.


My husband's mother and stepmother are rather freeperish and fundy. He is their antithesis. I think that because I am so fair-skinned, they forget that I am hispanic and therefore feel they can flood my email with all this repuke anti-immigration crap.

Yesterday was the "sign here to protect your social security benefits from the illegals" and today is the "speak up to prevent the national anthem from being sung in spanish" email, which asked me to pass it on, and if I didn't pass it on for fear of offending someone, then I too was part of the problem.

So how do I gently remind these women that I am a child of immigrants and that I really don't want to get these emails without completely alienating them. The mom already stopped calling our house because she thinks I don't like her (and I never did anything to imply that).

Help me out DUers...

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Rather than risking alienating her more, I would simply delete them.

She sounds like she has issues if she thinks you don't like her and you haven't conveyed that.

[malta blue]

2. I have been deleting them in the past, but these

last two really ticked me off.

I guess I should just continue what I have been doing.

Thanks Midlodemocrat!:hi:

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. Send her a note back that says "I wish to remind you that I am hispanic".

Or maybe even "I wish to remind you that your son's chosen life partner and wife whom he loves dearly is Hispanic".

I did something similar at a family gathering once, when the racist jokes came out. I said, "I just want to remind you that two of the people here have significant others who aren't white" and let it rest at that (my cousin, who was there, and I both have non-white, non-American SOs). It shut 'em up, and it cast no moral judgment on anyone. Well, it cast a lot, really, but in a subtle non-casting way. :7

[malta blue]

5. I told my husband to remind her that I am hispanic.

And the odd thing is she sent this crap to my mom, who is constantly debunking her RW emails, and replying to all. It is so funny. My mom lives in the Dominican Republic and uses an internet cafe. I can't wait to see her response to this junk.

Thanks for the input Rabrrrrr.

[Rabrrrrrr]

13. I meant to ask, too - where in NYC did you grow up?

And glory to be to your mom for "replying to all" - After I did that to a cousin twice, by God the bullshit stopped. THe last one was some racist 9-11 holdover about the mideasterner convenience store owner in California being denied by the Budweiser distributor... after my claim of "racist crap", a snopes link, and the authority that comes from being able to say "As a WTC survivor...", that was the last one.

[malta blue]

17. I grew up on Bleecker Street on the 30th floor of

this building right here....


Wow, was I blessed to have a Picasso as my entryway.

Anyhow, our building was blocked off after the WTC disaster, and we packed it in and moved upstate. My mom couldn't handle the upstate lifestyle and decided to move to the DR to be closer to my grandmother's grave (thankfully she died in March of 2001, the WTC would have killed her, she loved those buildings).

Peace.

[Rabrrrrrr]

19. Nice! I spent 6 years in the City College area, west side of Amsterdam.

Lots of Domicans there, and I was very much one of the first white people; though by the time I left (2004), the neighborhood was starting to change to college kids and many Asians and young professionals.

[malta blue]

20. My grandmother lived on the upper west side.

If I had not lived in the village, that would be the other part of the city I would have liked to live. Her neighborhood is mostly Columbia U. students, and she felt very safe there always. Students in her building reaped the benefits of her cooking for them, and on snowy days, they would go get her groceries. There was one guy who lived downstairs who would walk her to the store every saturday night to get the first press of the sunday paper.

[idgiehkt]

16. I was gonna say.

I was thinking hard about this and I don't think there is a way to say other than to just say it.

My mother sends me christian e-mails all the time because she wants to save my soul from hell...the last one was about not 'mocking God'. But I don't think there is much I can say about it.

[Extend a Hand]

4. send her the link to snopes debunking of this email

and title it more RW lies -- here are the facts on the immigration bill
http://www.snopes.com/politics/immigration/socialsecurity.asp

[malta blue]

6. Aha, I will send that right away.

Thanks a million sad_one.
:thumbsup:

[Gormy Cuss]

7. No help from your husband in this regard?

Doesn't he get the same emails? Isn't it his mother? If she already thinks that you don't like her anything from you will just add to that. Her son, on the other hand, may be able to get it through her skull that HE doesn't appreciate those sorts of emails.

[malta blue]

8. Her emails usually go straight into his junk folder

since he tends to ignore her (due to her freepiness) most of the time. I called him this morning when I got to work and saw the emails (yup, she sends them to my WORK email) and told him to remind her that I am hispanic. He said he would call her today.

On edit... I really don't want her to think that I am some weak little nothing that can't stick up for myself either, that is why I am trying to figure out a way to do it myself.

Thanks :)

[Gormy Cuss]

28. I understand wanting to stick up for yourself, but family dynamics

sometimes call for different approaches in that regard. It may be better to present a unified front than for you to address it alone because he's getting the emails too -- his silence can be construed as his approval.

I married into a family with some branches like that so you have my sympathy.

[malta blue]

29. I hadn't looked at it that way.

Thanks. You are probably right.

:hi:

[Avalux]

9. Ignore them. I've been through this.

Any amount of replying or explaining you try to do will only make things worse. Not only is there a political disagreement, but it's compounded by the family relationship, and the two don't mix. I learned through past experience to just simply delete the emails without opening, and refusing to discuss politics with family.

It's not a racial issue in my case but a religious one. Has nothing to do with you not being able to stick up for yourself, or your husband defending you. Sounds as if he's learned the best way to deal with your MIL is to ignore her, and I suggest you do the same. Less stress for you! :hi:

[malta blue]

10. Thanks Sparosnare

I have been deleting them (but also opening them) in the past. They just really get my latina blood boiling sometimes, you know?

Thanks again.
:hi:

[Avalux]

11. I edited and added a bit more to my post above -

for me, got tired of being sent bigoted Christian crap and being treated like a leper because I'm not "born-again".

[malta blue]

12. Yeah well between the two of them

the mother is an evangelical who shares many of the immigration opinions with the stepmothers, phew....

I get the religious stuff thrown at me too. She tried to order me a subscription to a magazine that had a bible story per day. My husband told her not to.

Thanks again.

[Avalux]

14. You're welcome - hang in there!

:hug:

[China_cat]

35. Why not set up a filter

and have your email program (especially at work) dump them right into the trash before you ever even see them?

[malta blue]

36. I could do that, but deep down I feel bad.

Sometimes she just emails to say hi.

Thanks:hi:

[China_cat]

37. Well, I was thinking that you could

just say that personal emails at work were inappropriate. She'd probably accept that quicker than anything else.

[malta blue]

38. That's how I got her to stop sending me the

ultra Christian emails.

Ugh:banghead:

[Writer]

15. My husband is a fair-skinned Mexican...

and has to deal with this from my mother. I have spoken up in front of him before, but my mom has a psychological disorder where she enjoys feeding off of the hurt she causes others. So we just ignore her and spend as little time with her as possible.

I think it's not the emails that are of issue, but respect. In other words, do you respect who I am? If not, take your xenophobia somewhere else. If you can't, then I'll have nothing to do with you.

It's not easy to deal with discomfort, but have you and your husband considered sitting down and having a mature discussion about how their viewpoints affect you? If they can't respect you, then they can't respect your husband. Or try to set boundaries - this discussion should be avoided, because...

Just a few ideas. I'm sorry you're having these problems and I wish you good luck in dealing with them. :hug:

[malta blue]

18. Well, my husband is going to call her about it later

today. It's so odd because she embraced my daughter and tells people that she has a granddaughter (maybe because little MB is blond and blue eyed), but seems really tense around me. I think it stems from the fact that she knows that I am going to disagree with her, and she realizes that her son will take my "side" if there was ever going to be an instance where he would have to.

[Writer]

30. Do you think she's simply uncomfortable around difference?

Is this a person who has a lot of exposure to difference? I ask because if she hasn't encountered much diversity in her life, she's likely to feel uncomfortable around anyone who appears different than she. Especially if you're from that "exotic" place called New York City, if you know what I mean. ;)

[malta blue]

31. I would think that she would be used to diversity

having lived in LA and Atlanta. I don't really get it, to tell you the truth.:hi:

[Writer]

32. Well then maybe your instincts are correct...

she's sending out inflammatory opinion emails about immigration but then has to deal with her immigrant daughter-in-law and is trying to avoid conflict.

[Katina]

21. I'm probably repeating some of the advice you've gotten

but your best bet is to reply all, and just say simply, I the daughter of an immigrant from the Dominican Republic, and as I previously requested, I do not want to receive any more of these mass mails. Please remove my name from your mass list. Thanks.

It won't stop your MIL, but you will publicly state who you are and everyone else on the mass email list will likely think twice about doing a "forward/reply to all."

I get alot of the religious crap from my SIL as well as the immigration garbage. It offends me because I have family members from Haiti, South America and the ME. I delete 99% of whatever my sister in law sends me. If it's family business, she can call me on the phone, otherwise, her e-mails are irrelevent.

[malta blue]

24. I like that reply all idea...

I may have to wait and see if another one comes through.

Thanks for the idea:evilgrin:

[Haole Girl]

22. You could always report those emails as spam!

No...probably a bad idea. Don't listen to me, I married a man from another culture, and his parents refused to attend our wedding at the last minute, and asked us to postpone it. We didn't, but I still have not even met them and we've been married 13 years! It really is a good thing we didn't have children. Anyway, I would not be the one to ask, as you can see.

[malta blue]

23. LOL

Spam...well like I said earlier, her emails to my husband go straight into his junk folder.

Wow, 13 years and never met the parents...
some people
:shrug:

[Haole Girl]

25. Well, they live in another country, half way around the world..

..so it makes it easy to avoid the issue..and any issues they may have.

I'm going to go visit them in January...please say a prayer for me!

[malta blue]

26. January?

I put it on the calendar.

Good luck KC2!

[Haole Girl]

27. Thanks!

Sorry I couldn't help you with your problem. I hate those kinds of emails, too...and I have lost more than 1 friend over them. :pals:

[jobycom]

33. If you plan to be married a while, just ignore them

You aren't going to change her mind, and any reply you send will either make her angry at you or give her an invitation to debate you, which will result in anger eventually. If you plan to be in this marriage for a while, there will always be issues such as these over the next few decades, so you will always be at each other's throats over it. Life's too short.

I never got along well with my father-in-law, either. We have always been awkward together. He says blatantly racist stuff all the time, and he knows I disagree with him. I just let it go (he's the only one who gets a free pass on that, btw). He's even slipped lard into cookies he made, knowing I was a vegetarian, just to "correct" me. There are things we can talk about, and we focus on that. When he goes into a gray area, I just get quiet. He knows I won't respond, so he doesn't talk about it long.

It's just family. Even though his daughter and I have split up, we still get along, because I just don't fight over things that don't matter. If I'd made the situation worse by fighting, we might not get along, and that would make things harder on everyone, especially during the breakup. It's just easier to make peace in the long run. Wish a few nations had that attitude. :)

[malta blue]

34. Very good advice, thanks

lard in the cookies - damn that's cold.